BS: Doctor's notes

Subject: RE: BS: Doctor's notes
From: HuwG
Date: 02 Nov 04 - 09:07 AM

Here is a link to a site for Medical Acronyms and Doctors' Slang.

A story told to me by my mother, who once worked as a clerical officer at a District Hospital in Yorkshire. A man walked into Casualty Reception and announced, "I've got gravel !". The nurse on the desk had never heard of this ailment, so she fetched the Registrar, who hadn't heard of it either. He rushed to his office, and after frantically leafing through various medical dictionaries, summoned the Consultant.

The Consultant went to the patient and said, "Now then my man ! What seems to be the problem ?"

He replied, "I told you, I've got this lorry load of gravel outside. Where do you want it put ?"

Subject: RE: BS: Doctor's notes
From: Chris Green
Date: 02 Nov 04 - 07:32 AM

A guy I work with at school showed me the best sick note I've ever seen. It came from a rural family and read "Please excuse Sarah from games because a donkey bit her on the left tit."

I also got one from a mum who had left out the telling word "late". It read "Please excuse Sean for being. It was his father's fault."

And finally, to the downright bizarre, "James was not in school yesterday as he had diarrhoea through a hole in his shoe"!

Parents do this sort of thing MUCH better than doctors!

Subject: RE: BS: Doctor's notes
From: Sttaw Legend
Date: 02 Nov 04 - 05:44 AM

Please excuse Jimmy from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. Words in ()'s were crossed out.

Please excuse Janet, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Subject: RE: BS: Doctor's notes
From: GUEST,Mingulay
Date: 02 Nov 04 - 05:32 AM

Doctors themselves can be funny, I once knew an elderly doctor who smoked like a chimney. When reproached about this his answer was "I'm 75 boy, all the people I went to college with are dead". End of argument.

Another one, a surgeon, described an appendectomy as the surgical equivalent of weeding the borders in the garden.

I also knew someone who, when in hospital, was given an enemy.

Subject: RE: BS: Doctor's notes
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 02 Nov 04 - 04:58 AM

My mother was another one who had one of those 'meals' but hers was, apparently a 'Variable meal'....

When a bachelor I shared a house with, signed up with a new Dr, he had to go and visit the surgery for an initial checkup. His confirmation arrived in the post a few days later addressed to Mrs A Lyons......


LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Doctor's notes
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 01 Nov 04 - 11:59 PM

My dad was deaf, he spent a long time in hospital, one time I was visiting him, when the nurse asked him "have you moved your bowels today", he replied=
"I haven't moved nowt, my wife put all my stuff in that cupboard when I came in"

another time, I visited him, and pointing to an asian doctor he said
"hey son, that darkie over there shoved his finger up my arse this morning"
I did not know what to say to that, so just said "Oh"!

Subject: RE: BS: Doctor's notes
From: Megan L
Date: 01 Nov 04 - 03:43 PM

A friend told us when her daughters baby was born it was so wee they put it straight in an incinerator

Subject: RE: BS: Doctor's notes
From: Jeanie
Date: 01 Nov 04 - 03:36 PM

I had to keep a straight and concerned face when one of my work colleagues told me about her uncle's visit to hospital to check out his digestive system: "They're going to give him a Bavarian meal". A pretty good test, I would think !

- jeanie

Subject: RE: BS: Doctor's notes
From: Cluin
Date: 01 Nov 04 - 03:22 PM

Man goes into a psyciatrist's office naked, but wrapped from head to toe in cling film.

Psychaitrist says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

Subject: RE: BS: Doctor's notes
From: Hand-Pulled Boy
Date: 01 Nov 04 - 03:13 PM

At least you can have a laugh whilst you're dieing.

Subject: RE: BS: Doctor's notes
From: ced2
Date: 01 Nov 04 - 02:56 PM

Muppett, you should have seen some of the ones I got when I was teaching at Buttershaw. These were usually of the form "John has been to the doctors with his nose." "Bloody hell," I used to think " was it normal to take John to the doctor without his nose?"   Still Bradford folk have all sorts of strange powers! Sithee.

Subject: RE: BS: Doctor's notes
From: Sttaw Legend
Date: 01 Nov 04 - 11:49 AM

I'd like my leg over

Subject: RE: BS: Doctor's notes
From: GUEST
Date: 01 Nov 04 - 11:44 AM

I have a range rover.

Subject: RE: BS: Doctor's notes
From: GUEST,head
Date: 01 Nov 04 - 11:11 AM

I have a hange over

Subject: RE: BS: Doctor's notes
From: TheBigPinkLad
Date: 03 Aug 04 - 05:32 PM

A man went into the doc's office and was told he only had three minutes to live.

Patient: "Can't you do anything for me, doctor?"
Doc: "I could boil you an egg."

biddum churrrrr!

Subject: RE: BS: Doctor's notes
From: GUEST,Guest (not that guest)
Date: 03 Aug 04 - 05:28 PM

refreshing random threads for giggles.

Subject: RE: BS: Doctor's notes
From: TheBigPinkLad
Date: 15 Jul 04 - 01:30 PM

I had a great doctor in Newton Aycliffe (Fat B*st*rd take note!) who'd give you a sick note for a broken Thermos.

biddum! chuuurrrrrr ...

Subject: RE: BS: Doctor's notes
From: GUEST
Date: 15 Jul 04 - 11:44 AM

stress!

Subject: BS: Doctor's notes
From: muppett
Date: 15 Jul 04 - 11:04 AM

Actual writings on hospital charts by Doctors

1 Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year
2 On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd it disappeared
3 She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
4 Botn breasts are equal & reactive to light & accommondation
5 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
6 The lab test indicated abnormal lover function
7 The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993
8 Disharge status, alive but without permission
9 The patient refused autopsy
10 Patient has left white cells at another hospital
11 Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only 40 pound weight gain in the past 3 days
12 Patient had waffles for breakfast & anorexia for lunch
13 She is numb from her toes down
14 While in ER, she was examined, X rated & sent home
15 The skin was moist & dry
16 Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches
17 Skin, somewhat pale but present
18 The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor
19 Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree
20 Large brown stool ambulating in the hall
21 Patient has 2 teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Has anyone got any more?