BS: Standard experiences you have missed

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 Oct 07 - 01:22 PM

I have done the same with several pillow tags. I am well armed and fortified here, for when they come to get me.

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: MBSLynne
Date: 12 Oct 07 - 02:02 PM

I LOVE the Sound of Music!!!!

Sorry Spaw, I was in Australia 30 to 40 years ago so it can't have been you.....can it?

Love Lynne

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Oct 07 - 02:26 PM

My great-uncle was a cemetery sexton; he lived on the premises and decorated for Christmas with a string of empty wine bottles. Anyway, he found conclusive evidence that young ladies and gentlemen were using "his" cemetery for, ah, purposes more related to life than to death. One night he hid himself behind a large gravestone, and around midnight a young woman and her beau came a sat down with their backs against the stone.

Giggling, they exchanged a few coy smooches, and then he said, "But aren't you afraid of ghosts?"

At which point my great-uncle appeared from behind the gravestone and shouted, "I'll ghost you, you son-of-a-bitch!"

It is said that the couple was still running when they hit the Mississippi River.

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 12 Oct 07 - 02:39 PM

I've never driven anything that could remotely be described as a "sports car". I've also never driven a motorcycle on a roadway, though I've driven off-road dirt-bikes numerous times.

I've never had my pocket picked, but I have been robbed at gunpoint. If I have a choice, I'll take the pick-pocket next time.

Woodstock was too damned far away from Florida, but I did make it to the Atlanta Pop Festival (which by some estimations had more attendees than Woodstock) the following year.

I've never been arrested, though I "passed" a couple of roadside sobriety tests by the skin of my teeth. I'm sure that given the same circumstances with today's lower impairment tolerances, I would have been carted off.

I've lived in Florida my entire life, but I've never seen a rocket launch or attempted surfing or SCUBA diving.

I've never seen a live moose, even in a zoo.

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: Ebbie
Date: 12 Oct 07 - 03:08 PM

Let's see:

I have never

been arrested,
committed adultery,
taken any recreational drugs other than alcohol and tobacco,
acquired any graduation certificates,
been abroad (Been a broad, though, most of my life),
been in a hot air balloon (If I get a chance, I'll go),
rollerskated.

There are a lot of other standard experiences I haven't had; I'll think on it.

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 12 Oct 07 - 03:12 PM

being a pretty ploughboy
getting transported for poaching
getting captured by the press gang forced to plough the raging seas
dancing a jig
being down a coalmine during a pit explosion
being a three loom weaver
hopping on freight train
hunting buffalo
harpooning a whale
not keen on country roads taking me home either - I prefer the M1

no wonder the world of folkmusic is a closed book to me.

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: KB in Iowa
Date: 12 Oct 07 - 03:19 PM

never been arrested but if some things that happened in the 70's happened now I probably would be (times have changed)
never commited adultery (is that a standard experience?)
have taken recreational drugs (see the first line of this entry)
I have roller skated but never ice skated
never been divorced (getting divorced seems to be a pretty standard thing)
I own a cell phone but only because I got a discount through work, my wife carries it
have a TV but no cable or any such thing (I think cable is pretty standard outside of Mudcat)
never gotten a speeding ticket (three warnings)

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 Oct 07 - 03:49 PM

I've never gotten a speeding ticket either. Could have on a few occasions, although I don't tend to drive overly fast...but I was lucky on those occasions, I guess.

How exactly do we define "adultery"? Do you have to be married?

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Oct 07 - 03:55 PM

Does committing adultery with Little Hawk count? I'm just curious, mind you.

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: KB in Iowa
Date: 12 Oct 07 - 03:56 PM

Little Hawk trancends such earthly concerns so no, it doesn't count.

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 Oct 07 - 04:04 PM

Ha! Ha! No, I'm asking seriously here...is it only adultery if you're married? What if one person is married and the other isn't? What if one of the participants is a moose?

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: John Hardly
Date: 12 Oct 07 - 04:08 PM

"What if one of the participants is a moose? "

Just guessing here, mind you...

...but I'd answer: Then the other participant would have to be very tall. I've heard that moose cows can be very uncooperative. That's right isn't it, Rapaire?

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: catspaw49
Date: 12 Oct 07 - 04:10 PM

So one is a Moose........so what? Maybe the other belongs to the Eastern Star. Or maybe the Moose is also a Rotarian while another may be with the Kiwanis. I don't think that has anything to do with it Hawk.......unless of course the Moose is buttfucked by a Warthog as in Gargoyle's case.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: kendall
Date: 12 Oct 07 - 04:27 PM

I guess I did lie a little.


Some years ago now, a big woolen mill in Germany went out of business because of foreign competition, and the whole mill complex was purchased by a world famous dog breeder. He raised a special breed of hunting dog, and he also trained them and boarded them for wealthy customers.
Within 6 months his new business had grown so much that it even had an effect on the local economy. In fact, it was such a success, it made the headlines in the local newspaper, which said:


wait for it











THE MILLS ARE ALIVE WITH THE HOUNDS OF MUNICH

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 12 Oct 07 - 05:54 PM

you know what jesus says, if you think about it, you've done it!

its satan! with a red hot poker up the roozle for you!

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 Oct 07 - 06:05 PM

Yes, I know about that, weelittle. ;-) But I think what Jesus had in mind when he gave that teaching was coaching his followers on how to discipline their minds and control their thinking...rather than laying down some specific rules about adultery. That's my opinion. It had to be a parable of that sort...because EVERYBODY has thought about it.

Regarding the moose being too tall, John...ever consider the creative uses of a stepladder?

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: Joe_F
Date: 12 Oct 07 - 08:33 PM

I have never even *used* a cellphone.

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: catspaw49
Date: 12 Oct 07 - 09:06 PM

Maybe not Joe, but have you ever used a step ladder to screw a moose?

(Betcha' never thought this thread would be so weird didja'???)

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Oct 07 - 09:25 PM

Spaw knows whereof he speaks when it comes to screwing moose. I searched high and low, through many a tome of obscure and forgotten lore, and finally located this long-lost picture of Spaw, which was taken immediately after he had "done" an ordinary, average-sized, Ohio moose.

Ha! Spaw, you thought all copies had been destroyed, didn't you? Well, this will teach you to be late with your payments.

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: catspaw49
Date: 12 Oct 07 - 09:49 PM

Yeah Rap.......that's the moose alright, but notice that I, being well equipped, didn't have or need a step ladder. Notice too how satisfied the moose is...........

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 Oct 07 - 10:03 PM

The thing about the stepladder technique is that the moose has to be in a cooperative mood. Otherwise it's almost guaranteed to fail. It helps to bring candy, flowers, that kind of thing. Some of them go for poetry, just like Roxanne on her balcony.

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: John Hardly
Date: 12 Oct 07 - 10:57 PM

I pick my own euphemisms when it comes to screwing moose. My own ladder too.

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 13 Oct 07 - 02:00 AM

I've never seen 'It's a Wonderful Life' either. Leastways, not all the way through. Or even all of it in bits.

I've never read an Agatha Christie book either, although I love that sort of early 20th Century detective fiction.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Oct 07 - 08:09 AM

Remember, Spaw -- the negatives of you and the Bullwinkle the Moose balloon are still in the possession of Certain People. If you are wise you'll make the payments on time....

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: catspaw49
Date: 13 Oct 07 - 08:19 AM

You can't hold that one as ransom anymore Rap. I owned up to the Bullwinkle episode years ago. Yeah, it was wrong but I was drunk and he was in drag.........I mean, whatcha' gonna' do in that situation?   Dressed like he was in that Streisand pussycat outfit while I was being heavily influenced by Mr. Daniel......Well, the whole thing was pretty inevitable..................

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Oct 07 - 08:31 AM

Yeah, but Rocky, Mr. Peabody and, worst of all, both Nell and Dudley's horse? Oh yeah, there are pictures....

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: catspaw49
Date: 13 Oct 07 - 08:53 AM

.............uh, yeah........Well like I said I was drunk at the time and to tell the truth the only one who didn't seem to enjoy it was Nell. I think she was frigid or something.........Mr. Peabody on the other hand was a wild one from years of having more than his belly rubbed by Sherman. And old Rocky was pretty cool too. When you came that damn squirrel would shoot off your willie and go flying off doing loops up to 5000 feet and then a rolling Immelman into his landing......It was really far out.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: Neil D
Date: 13 Oct 07 - 12:23 PM

I always wondered what was meant by "go take a flying f*ck".

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: M.Ted
Date: 13 Oct 07 - 12:33 PM

As for me, I have never told a convoluted story to set up a bad pun;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: fat B****rd
Date: 13 Oct 07 - 12:58 PM

I have never

Seen The Eiffel Tower-but I've been to Paris
Seen The Pyramids-but I've beeen to Egypt
Sent a text message-but I've got a mobile 'phone
Driven a car
Watched "Friends"
Been to Blackpool
Watched "Big Brother"
Laughed at "Chubby" Brown
Been to a Folk Club-but used to know people who went to them
Ben in a real fight-and am glad of it.

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: Rog Peek
Date: 13 Oct 07 - 01:10 PM

Been to Cuba.

Wanted to.
For the music?
Maybe.
For the Old Cars?
Absolutely!

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: Little Hawk
Date: 13 Oct 07 - 03:41 PM

Yeah, Cuba is pretty cool that way, and in some other ways too.

How about that woman who sang "I've Never Been To Me"?

After you listen to the whole damn thing through, you can sort of understand why. They used to play it on some local radio station here. It has to be heard to be believed.

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Oct 07 - 09:23 PM

I've never visited the island of Cuba, but I've been to Havana, Illinois. Likewise, I've been to Dingle, County Kerry, Ireland several times but never to Dingle, Idaho.

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: GUEST,Ed
Date: 13 Oct 07 - 09:50 PM

Hitting a home run

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: Little Hawk
Date: 13 Oct 07 - 10:02 PM

Wow. Now there's a memory. I did hit a home run just once...back in '73. I was very, very surprised when it happened too.

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Oct 07 - 10:54 PM

I once threw a baseball through a window and ran home. Unfortunately, "home" and "window" referred to the same house.

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: Little Hawk
Date: 14 Oct 07 - 03:48 AM

I have never been kicked in the balls by one of Mick Jagger's bodyguards. A casual acquaintance of mine, however, did have that very experience back in the 70's sometime, and he has hated Mick Jagger ever since. I don't know what he did to provoke the bodyguard, but I'm quite sure he must have done something. Whatever it was, he would never admit to it.

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Oct 07 - 09:09 AM

Standard.

one man's standard is another...

I have never piloted a plane or been to the tropics anywhere on the globe including Madagascar.

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 14 Oct 07 - 12:51 PM

There used to be a newspaper called The Lincolnshire Standard. As I recall - it was quite good for lighting the fire, but it got newsprint on the greaseproof paper your chips were wrapped in. And that didn't please everyone.

I bet many people outside Lincolnshire missed out on that Standard experience.

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: Little Hawk
Date: 14 Oct 07 - 01:21 PM

We have a paper like that here in Canada. It's called the Toronto Sun. Excellent for wrapping fish, starting fires, plugging leaky spots around your windows, giving the puppy something to pee on...

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Oct 07 - 02:53 PM

I've never served in the Navy, Marines, or Air Faorce.
I've never climbed the highest mast or even the lowest mast, but I can tell the difference between a ship being schooner and junk rigged.
And I've never had sex with Little Hawk and don't plan to do so.

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: TheSnail
Date: 14 Oct 07 - 03:14 PM

Rapaire

I can tell the difference between a ship being schooner and junk rigged

Perfectly possible for a schooner to be junk rigged. Schooner is about masts; junk rigged is about sails.

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 14 Oct 07 - 03:32 PM

a trick question...?

a schooner is a large glass of sherry

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: Ebbie
Date: 15 Oct 07 - 12:35 AM

Query: Why were the big canvas covered wagons of early US settlers headed west called 'prairie schooners'?

('Cause they couldn't be called 'rowboats'?)

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: Barry Finn
Date: 15 Oct 07 - 01:18 AM

Funny how some things come about (sailor's pun). I believe Naemanson was raised on a junk rigged schooner, not a standard experience.

Barry

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 15 Oct 07 - 02:40 AM

I've never kicked anyone in the knadgers (deliberately) although the number of deserving candidates I know is legion.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: GUEST,The blavk belt caterpillar wrestler
Date: 15 Oct 07 - 07:43 AM

I have seen the Eifel tower but never set foot in France (flew over Paris on way back from Malta).
I have never been drunk or had a hangover (I can't stand the taste of alcohol, and don't tell me it has no taste, some people just can't taste it).
I have never had even a drag on a cigarette (just in case I liked it).
I have never broken a bone (that I know of) except for some small bits of tooth sockets that have been broken off by the dentist during extractions.
I have never been on any two wheeled motorised transport.

I did see a Crosti 9F in service!

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Oct 07 - 08:55 AM

Yeah, I know. That's how I can tell the difference. I can also tell the difference been one, two, and three masted ships...which is pretty good for someone who grew up around motorboats, rowboats, and canoes.

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: Little Hawk
Date: 15 Oct 07 - 09:04 AM

That's brilliant, Rap! ;-) Can you also tell the difference between a pear and an avocado?

Subject: RE: BS: Standard experiences you have missed
From: TheSnail
Date: 15 Oct 07 - 09:09 AM

You don't get one masted ships and...

I'll get me sou'wester.