BS: First Joke thread for 2006

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Jul 06 - 09:24 AM

"Aptitude Test"

Little Johnny wanted to be an accountant,
so he went for an aptitude test:

Tester: If I give you two Rabbits, and two
rabbits, and another two rabbits, how
many rabbits have you got?
Little Johnny : SEVEN!

Tester : No, listen carefully again. If I give
you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and
another two rabbits, how many rabbits
have you got?
Little Johnny : SEVEN!

Tester : Let's try this another way. If I give
you two bottles of beer, and two bottles of
beer, and another two bottles of beer, how
many bottles of beer have you got?
Little Johnny : SIX.

Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits,
and two rabbits, and another two rabbits,
how many rabbits have you got?
Little Johnny : SEVEN!

Tester : How on Earth do you work out that
three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Little Johnny: I've already got one rabbit
at home now!

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Jul 06 - 09:26 AM

"Three Things You Need To Survive"

A Scout Master was teaching his boy
scouts about survival in the desert.

"What are the three most important things
you should bring with you in case you
get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several
hands went up, and many important things
were suggested such as food, matches, etc.

Then one little boy in the back eagerly
raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are
the three most important things you would
bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of
water, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is
to find the right direction, the water is to
prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?"
asked the Scout Master impatiently.

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing
Solitaire, someone is bound to come up
behind you and say, "Put that red nine
on top of that black ten!"

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Amos
Date: 02 Aug 06 - 07:22 PM

"The Purina Diet"

I have a Golden Retriever & I was buying a large bag of
Purina at
Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told
her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I
probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that
the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina
nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry
& that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to
try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line
was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was
behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that
condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it
was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and
a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

---

(Author unknown)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 03 Aug 06 - 10:33 AM

Monica Lewinsky took her blue dress to a dry cleaner, and told the clerk she needed it by Friday.

The clerk was hard of hearing, so he asked, "Come again?"

She said, "No, orange juice."

—told by Phyllis Diller in the film, "The Aristocrats"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: wlisk
Date: 03 Aug 06 - 01:28 PM

LIVING WILL

While watching a football game a couple weeks back, my wife and I were
discussing dying. I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in
a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

Some days I hate being married to a smartass.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Aug 06 - 03:13 PM

The following were (supposedly) answers provided by 6th graders during a history test. Some of the best humor is in the misspelling.

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.

9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper.

11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies,and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple.

12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits.

Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.

Madman Curie discovered the radio.

And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Aug 06 - 03:24 PM

TAE A FERT

Oh whit a sleekit horrible beastie
Lurks in yer belly efter a feastie
Just as ye sit doon among yer kin
There sterts tae stir an enormous wind
The neeps an tatties an mushy peas
Stert workin like a gentle breeze
But soon the puddin wi the sauncie face
Will have ye blowin all ower the place
Nae matter whit the hell ye dae
A'body's gonna have tae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle
It's like a bullet oot a rifle

Haud yer bum tight tae yer chair
Tae try an stop the reekin air
Shift yersel fae cheek tae cheek
Pray tae god it doesnae reek
But aw yer efforts go assunder
Oot it comes like a clap o thunder
Ricochets aroon the room
Michty me a sonic boom

God almighty it fairly reeks
Hope a huvnae shit ma breeks
Tae the bog I better scurry
Aw whit the hell it's no ma worry
A'body roon about me chokin
Wan or twa are nearly bokin
I'll feel better for a while
Cannae help but raise a smile

Wis it him I shout wi accusin glower
Alas too late, he's just keeled ower
Ye dirty bugger they shout an stare
A dinnae feel welcome any mair

Where e're ye go let wind gang free
Sounds like jist the job fer me
Whit a fuss at Rabbies perty
Ower the sake o' wan wee ferty

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Aug 06 - 03:25 PM

Did anyone notice that an anagram of George Bush is "He bugs Gore"?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 04 Aug 06 - 11:16 AM

Since cod-Scots dialect hus intirrrd ra threid, whit aboot this ane:

Wee wifie tellin hurr pal that she's wint tae the Doacturr, an he's tauld hurr she's pregnunt. Hurr pal asks hurr,
"Huv ye hud a check-up?"
"Naw," wis the ansurr, "it wis a wee Glesga fella."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 04 Aug 06 - 11:17 AM

Hear about the Policeman that married a Prostitute?
He dragged her down to his level.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 14 Aug 06 - 12:18 AM

Second Joke thread for 2006

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 14 Aug 06 - 07:20 AM

Breaking news.............A two seater Piper Cherokee has crashed into a cemetary just outside Dublin.............so far the emergency services have recovered one hundred and three bodies.

eric