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BS: First Joke thread for 2006

Folkiedave 08 Jan 06 - 05:19 PM
autolycus 09 Jan 06 - 06:06 AM
John O'L 09 Jan 06 - 07:12 AM
Dave Hanson 09 Jan 06 - 09:56 AM
The PA 09 Jan 06 - 10:58 AM
Moses 09 Jan 06 - 11:23 AM
Uncle_DaveO 09 Jan 06 - 01:03 PM
Uncle_DaveO 10 Jan 06 - 09:59 AM
GUEST,Me again 10 Jan 06 - 06:20 PM
The Fooles Troupe 11 Jan 06 - 04:30 PM
michaelr 11 Jan 06 - 06:38 PM
Alba 11 Jan 06 - 09:45 PM
The Walrus 12 Jan 06 - 06:26 AM
Elmer Fudd 13 Jan 06 - 01:28 AM
Wilfried Schaum 19 Jan 06 - 04:55 AM
autolycus 19 Jan 06 - 10:46 AM
HuwG 30 Jan 06 - 02:50 PM
Peace 30 Jan 06 - 03:21 PM
Roger the Skiffler 31 Jan 06 - 09:38 AM
Uncle_DaveO 01 Feb 06 - 07:17 PM
Bunnahabhain 02 Feb 06 - 05:58 AM
katlaughing 02 Feb 06 - 10:40 AM
Wesley S 02 Feb 06 - 11:18 AM
katlaughing 02 Feb 06 - 12:13 PM
GUEST,carter4802@msn.com 02 Feb 06 - 05:02 PM
Cluin 02 Feb 06 - 05:13 PM
Cluin 02 Feb 06 - 05:34 PM
Mr Happy 02 Feb 06 - 08:06 PM
Ron Davies 02 Feb 06 - 10:43 PM
Peace 02 Feb 06 - 10:45 PM
Bert 03 Feb 06 - 02:15 AM
Roger the Skiffler 03 Feb 06 - 05:46 AM
menzze 03 Feb 06 - 06:06 AM
Jim Dixon 03 Feb 06 - 04:50 PM
Georgiansilver 03 Feb 06 - 07:17 PM
frogprince 03 Feb 06 - 09:48 PM
Cluin 04 Feb 06 - 03:56 PM
Cluin 04 Feb 06 - 09:41 PM
Alba 05 Feb 06 - 01:44 PM
Cluin 05 Feb 06 - 07:45 PM
GUEST 05 Feb 06 - 07:53 PM
GUEST,Noddy 06 Feb 06 - 12:01 PM
Folkiedave 06 Feb 06 - 07:48 PM
wlisk 07 Feb 06 - 08:38 AM
Uncle_DaveO 07 Feb 06 - 12:11 PM
Divis Sweeney 08 Feb 06 - 09:16 AM
John MacKenzie 08 Feb 06 - 09:24 AM
gnu 08 Feb 06 - 02:18 PM
John MacKenzie 08 Feb 06 - 02:20 PM
Naemanson 08 Feb 06 - 07:02 PM

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Subject: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Folkiedave
Date: 08 Jan 06 - 05:19 PM

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.

"Are you the owner?"

she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands."No" he replies, "I''m just the manager."

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him."

She asks, running her hands up beyond his ears andinto his hair.

"I''m afraid I can''t," breathes the manager clearly aroused," he''s in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message."

She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'



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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: autolycus
Date: 09 Jan 06 - 06:06 AM

A visitor to Israel on holiday happens to be in Jerusalem when they having the ceremony of unveiling the tomb to the unknown soldier. He has a guide with him to explain proceedings.
After the mayor makes a speech, the unveiling proceeds and the visitor sees that it says on the tomb
                            Isidore Cohen
                            Born Kiev 1893
                            Died Tel Aviv 1953

The visitor"I thought this was the tomb of the unknown soldier.
Guide.      "That's right. It is."
Visitor    "But it says Isidor Cohen Bor.....
Guide.    "Yes,yes. As a tailor he was Very well known. But as a soldier,pht..............nobody'd heard of him.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: John O'L
Date: 09 Jan 06 - 07:12 AM

"Knock knock"

"Who's there?"

"An interrupting cow"

"An inter-" "MOOOOOOOO!"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 09 Jan 06 - 09:56 AM

Q. Why did Jane Russel ?

A. Cos Max Factor.

I'll get me coit, eric


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: The PA
Date: 09 Jan 06 - 10:58 AM

Horse goes into a bar and ask's for a scotch. Barman says 'why the long face' !

Bear goes into a bar and says 'can I have a ...................scotch'
Barman says 'why the big paws'


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Moses
Date: 09 Jan 06 - 11:23 AM

Question:- How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?

Answer:- Six. One to stir the mixture and five to peel the Smarties.





(Smarties are candy coated chocolate beans for those not resident in the UK)


And yes, I am a blonde!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Jan 06 - 01:03 PM

"Widow"

A widow, recently married to a widower, was accosted
by a friend who laughingly remarked, "I suppose, like
all men who have been married before, your husband
sometimes talks about his first wife?"

"Oh, not any more," the other woman replied.

"What stopped him?" asked the first.

"I started talking about my next husband," replied the
second woman.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 10 Jan 06 - 09:59 AM

"The Blonde and Snow"

One winter morning in upstate New York, the
husband and the blonde were listening to the
radio while eating breakfast. They heard the
announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10
inches of snow today. You must park your car
on the even-numbered side of the street, so
the snowplows can get through." The big chest
blonde went out and moved her car.

A week later while they were again eating breakfast,
the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to
12 inches of snow today. You must park your car
on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the
snowplows can get through." She put on some
clothes and went out and moved her car again.

The next week they were again having breakfast,
when the radio announcer said, "We are expecting
12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..."
Then the electric power went off. The well endowed
blonde was very upset, and with a worried look on
her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do.
Which side of the street do I need to park on so the
snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that
all men who support blonde women, the husband
said, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage
this time?"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST,Me again
Date: 10 Jan 06 - 06:20 PM

A termite walked into a bar and asked "Is the bar tender here?"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 11 Jan 06 - 04:30 PM

Fourth Joke Thread for 2005

Looks like I started a tradition (but then, I used to be in the SCA)!
Do it once - get burned at the stake for doing something different never done before - do it twice - it's Tradition!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: michaelr
Date: 11 Jan 06 - 06:38 PM

(Smarties = M&Ms)


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Alba
Date: 11 Jan 06 - 09:45 PM

Britney is driving down the Highway when her cell phone rings.
It was her Boyfriend urgently warning her, " Listen Babe, I just heard on the News that there's a car going the wrong way on the the Highway your on. Please watch yourself!"
"It's not just one Car" said Britney, "there's hundreds of them!"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: The Walrus
Date: 12 Jan 06 - 06:26 AM

A man walks into the street and the moment he steps onto the curb and raises his hand a taxi swings by and stops. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You just landing a taxi without waiting. Thats the sort of think Frank would have done."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. Now there's an amazing guy who did everything right. Never a foot wrong. Whatever he did, its was perfect, like he didnt even need to try."

Passenger: "Nobodys perfect. Everyone has a few clouds over them"

Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"

Cabbie: "There's more"......."He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out."

Passenger: "Wow, some bloke then"

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. And he drove like a dream, calm, collected and was never late for anything."

"Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong. He knew what a lady wanted in bed too, sensitive. And his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Cabbie: "I married his f***in' widow."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Elmer Fudd
Date: 13 Jan 06 - 01:28 AM

Terrorists capture Bill Clinton, Al Gore And George Bubbya Bush. They sentence them to death by firing squad. First they put Clinton up against a wall. Just before the firing squad shoots him, he yells "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone runs for cover, and Clinton jumps over the wall and escapes.

Gradually, the firing squad reassembles, and puts Gore up against the wall. Just before they are goinig to shoot him, he yells, "LOOK OUT! A TORNADO!!!"

Everyone runs for cover, and Gore jumps over the wall and escapes.

Meanwhile, Dubbya has been watching all this, and thinks to himself, "I get it. Just before the execution, I yell out an alarm of some natural disaster, and everyone scatters, and I can escape." The squad puts him up against the wall. Just before they shoot, Dubbya yells out

















FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 19 Jan 06 - 04:55 AM

How do hedgehogs reproduce?


















Cautiously.
Very, very cautiously


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: autolycus
Date: 19 Jan 06 - 10:46 AM

Got this one from the BBC and I thin......

Did you hear about the chap who looked up "paranoid" in the dictionary?
It said


















What do you want to know for?

Auto


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: HuwG
Date: 30 Jan 06 - 02:50 PM

A man once had his girlfriend's name tattooed on his penis. They split up. She said he was trying to put words into her mouth.

<g>


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Peace
Date: 30 Jan 06 - 03:21 PM

Rodney walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy."

The bartender says, "You want both drinks now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?"

Rodney says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here." With that he pulls out a little 3-inch man from his pocket.

The bartender says, "Wow! And you mean to say he can drink that much?" "Oh, sure. He can drink it all, and then some," Rodney retorted. So the bartender poured the two shots. Sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

"That's amazing," says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?" Rodney flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey Al, go get that quarter!" The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter, and runs back and gives it to Rodney.

The bartender is totally amazed by this display. "That's a hoot," he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"

Rodney looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks, "Talk? Sure he talks --too bloody much. Hey Al, tell him about that time we were in Africa on safari and you told that witch doctor to go fuck himself!"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 31 Jan 06 - 09:38 AM

"Daddy, do all fairy stories begin :'Once upon a time' ?"
"No, son, they can also begin: 'If you elect me, I promise....'"

RtS


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Feb 06 - 07:17 PM

"Moses Behind Enemy Lines"

Ten year old Mikey, was asked by his mother
what he had learned in Vacation Bible School.

"Well, Mommy, our teacher told us how God sent
Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission
to lead His Chosen People out of Egypt. When he
got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a
pontoon bridge and all the people walked across
safely. Then he used his cell phone to call
headquarters for reinforcements. They called in
an air strike of the Israeli Air Defense to take out
the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Mikey, is that really what your teacher taught
you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher
did, you'd never believe it!"

Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 02 Feb 06 - 05:58 AM



    "Who's there?"

    "Man with a limp."

    "Man with a limp what?"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: katlaughing
Date: 02 Feb 06 - 10:40 AM

LOL!!

George Carlin is still spot on:

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where
she sleeps in the state of Washington And they tracked her calves to their
stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering
around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just
give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked
for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse!
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall
Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates
a hostile work environment!


AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST
George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart . "Boy, I feel a lot safer
now that she's behind bars. O.J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking
around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the one woman in America willing
to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and haul her butt off to jail."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Wesley S
Date: 02 Feb 06 - 11:18 AM

I doubt that George Carlin wrote any of those things Kat. Check out his website - he gives the lowdown on how often he is misquoted.

But whoever wrote it - it's funny stuff.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: katlaughing
Date: 02 Feb 06 - 12:13 PM

I did search his website, Wesley, thanks. Found one reference to his ten commandment piece, but could not find the text. I've written back to my friend who emailed it to me, a fellow Texan, btw, and asked for his source. He is not the type to send out spam and/or unsubstantiated quotes, so I believe it is Carlin. We'll see what he says.:-) Glad you liked it, anyway.

kat


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST,carter4802@msn.com
Date: 02 Feb 06 - 05:02 PM

3 guys get stranded on an island with a tribe of cannabals. After struggle they are all caught. The leader says "I will grant each of you one wish and then we will kill you and turn your skin into boats."

The first guy says "I want a gun." The leader gives him a gun and he kills a couple of them and they catch him and turn his skin into a boat.

The second guy says "I want a grenade." The leader gives him a grenade and he throws it and kills a few of them and they catch him and turn his skin into a boat.

The third guy says"I want a knife." The leader gives him a knife and he repeatedly starts stabbing himself saying "screw your boats, screw your boats."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Cluin
Date: 02 Feb 06 - 05:13 PM

Two old guys are pushing their carts around WalMart when they inadvertently collide.
The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I was looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The second old guy says, "What a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?
The second old guy says, "Well, she's 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big breasts and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"
The first old guy says, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Cluin
Date: 02 Feb 06 - 05:34 PM

Every set of funny quotes sent around in e-mail seems to be attributed to George Carlin, usually falsely.

I'm pretty sure those ones above are from Lewis Black. I know for sure the "constitution" one is.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Mr Happy
Date: 02 Feb 06 - 08:06 PM

I asked the waiter
for a chicken Tarka
he said do you mean
a chicken Tika
I said no Tarka
it's like a tika
but "A little otter"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Ron Davies
Date: 02 Feb 06 - 10:43 PM

This year, both groundhog day and the State of the Union address occur on the
same day.

As Air America Radio pointed out, "It is an ironic juxtaposition of events: one
involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little
intelligence for prognostication while the other involves a groundhog."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Peace
Date: 02 Feb 06 - 10:45 PM

LOL

That is very good, Ron.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Bert
Date: 03 Feb 06 - 02:15 AM

The courthouse here in Colorado Springs has a false front to the building. But they'll still make YOU swear to tell the truth.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 03 Feb 06 - 05:46 AM

An ecumenical joke stolen from Barry Cryer:
On a train in Ireland, man comes down the aisle
"Is there a priest on the train, it's a desperate emergency?"
No response.
Comes back the other way. "Is there a vicar on the train then, it's really serious?"
No response.
Tries again. "Is there a rabbi on the train, we can't hang on much longer?"
No response. A man puts his hand up. "I'm a Methodist lay preacher, can I help?"
"No use to us, man, you won't have a corkscrew!"

Rts


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: menzze
Date: 03 Feb 06 - 06:06 AM

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins,
cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick!:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table eating. Jack asks, "Son. what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken Coffee Table $39.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins 38
Saying the right thing at the right time . . Priceless


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 03 Feb 06 - 04:50 PM

Google's Quote of the Day, today, Feb 3, 2006

"The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side."
- Hunter S. Thompson


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 03 Feb 06 - 07:17 PM

Or as Ozzie Osborne said..."Christmas is a time for all the family to be together...but there are some good things about it as well"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: frogprince
Date: 03 Feb 06 - 09:48 PM

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside a dog, it's too dark to read. ---Groucho Marx


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Cluin
Date: 04 Feb 06 - 03:56 PM

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to have to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and artificial fluids to keep me going. If that ever happens, just pull the plug and let me die with dignity."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV, threw out all of his beer and called the undertaker.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Cluin
Date: 04 Feb 06 - 09:41 PM

What's the difference between a regular rodeo and a gay rodeo?

At a regular rodeo, people yell, "Ride that sucker!"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Alba
Date: 05 Feb 06 - 01:44 PM

refresh...some fresh air up at the top is needed me thinks:)


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Cluin
Date: 05 Feb 06 - 07:45 PM

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She moved around to see each child's work. As the teacher got to little Sally, who was working away diligently, she asked what the drawing was going to be.

Sally replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher asked, "But don't you know that nobody really knows what God looks like?"

Without looking up from her drawing, Sally replied, "They will in a minute."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST
Date: 05 Feb 06 - 07:53 PM

Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Patrick, age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him
Heather, 16

Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
Michael, 14

Stay away from prunes.
Randy, 9

Don't squat with your spurs on:
Noronha, 13

Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to:
Emily, 10

When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
Taylia, 11

Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. --
Traci, 14

Don't sneeze in front of mum when you're eating crackers.
Mitchell, 12

Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tictac
Andrew, 9

Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
Kyoyo, 9

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Armir, 9

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
Kellie, 11

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
Naomi, 15

Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
Lauren, 9

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
Joel, 10

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
Alyesha, 13

Never try to baptize a cat.
Eileen, 8


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST,Noddy
Date: 06 Feb 06 - 12:01 PM

A driver is pulled over by the police.

"You were speeding there sir" says the oficer "that was 31 in a 30 limit"

Oh is that bad" Says the driver.

Yes sir I m writing you a ticket.

You know says the driver I tried to join the police force once but wasnt allowed in.

Oh what happened you failed the medical or what.

No my parents were married.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Folkiedave
Date: 06 Feb 06 - 07:48 PM

The alternative version goes:

"Why were you speeding?"

"My wife left me for a policeman and I thought you were giving her back....."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: wlisk
Date: 07 Feb 06 - 08:38 AM

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says,

" I just let a silent fart.
         What do you think I should do?"

He replies
       " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Feb 06 - 12:11 PM

"The Lament Of The Second"

The grief-stricken man threw himself at the
grave and cried bitterly, "My life, oh how
senseless is it! How worthless this carcass
about me, because you are gone. If only you
had lived, if only fate had not been so cruel
as to take you from this world, how everything
would have been different!"

A clergyman nearby overheard him and said,
"I assume the person lying beneath this
mound of earth was someone of great
importance to you."

"Importance? Indeed it was," wept the man.
"It's my wife's first husband!"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Divis Sweeney
Date: 08 Feb 06 - 09:16 AM

How are gypsies and cigarettes similar ?
They come in 10's or 20's and are barred out of every pub in the Irish Republic.

The M2 motorway out of Belfast is being named after George Best.
It's always blocked.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 08 Feb 06 - 09:24 AM

Could this turn this into a music thread?
Giok


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: gnu
Date: 08 Feb 06 - 02:18 PM

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice: "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 08 Feb 06 - 02:20 PM

I didn't realise I'd sent that one to you too gnu.
Giok


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Naemanson
Date: 08 Feb 06 - 07:02 PM

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Roger the cookieless Skiffler - PM
Date: 10 Aug 05 - 09:21 AM

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
   *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*! ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I have heard this same thing from many different sources. It seems to be a very popular myth. In fact there was a writer for ESPN who made the mistake of believing it and mentioning it in a column on the internet. He got into big trouble with the Government of Guam. The senatorial representative wrote to ESPN and demanded an apology. She got it. Believe me, this one is a myth.

How do I know? I live on Guam. I have friends in the community. Some of those friends are experts in the history and culture of the island, past and present. This was never the case and it certainly would not be allowed now. Guam has been a Christian society, mostly Catholic, since the 18th century. The priests would be horrified and the parents on this island would be outraged at the idea.

Makes a good story but be careful who you repeat it to.


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