BS: The P-Vine Strikes Again!!!

Subject: BS: The P-Vine Strikes Again!!!
From: Bobert
Date: 16 Mar 09 - 05:58 PM

Never a dull minute livin' with ol' gal...

So I got this ol' buddy, Johnny, and he is the real deal when it comes to bein' a hillbilly... But we get along good and maybe burn a little evidence now and then...

So Johnny is one of them guys who has connections... Know what I mean???

So the P-Vine likes to cook up somethin' called chicken pastry... Yankess call it chicken 'n dumplin's but either way its cooked with a hen so...

...the P-Vine says to Johnny a week or so ago that she'd like a couple hens to make this stuff with... Well, to Johnny that means means a couple of live hens but to the P-Vine that menas acouple of 'um all dead and pot-ready...

So this afternoon she walks out and there in a 5 gallon bucket er two live hens?!?!?!... No Johnny, just the birds...

Now Johnny ain't all the easy to reach so I took the sumabiches out to the barn where there is an old chicken coop and let 'um go in there... I get back and the P-Vine has got holt of Mr. Kenneth Weakley and made a deal fir him to come and get them seein' as he likes to raise chickens...

So it's back out to barn, this time tryin' to catch the sumabiches and one is like real easy and the other one is all scared and wants to fight and carry on but I finally got it in the bucket without no blood on either of our parts but...

...nevermind...

Everyday is like this living with this woman...

Well, not hens everyday but somethin'...

Bobert (retired chicken farmer)

Subject: RE: BS: The P-Vine Strikes Again!!!
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Mar 09 - 06:13 PM

My granny used a little red hatchet to solve problems like this one.

Subject: RE: BS: The P-Vine Strikes Again!!!
From: DougR
Date: 16 Mar 09 - 06:19 PM

Horrors, Rapaire, your mother was a chicken murderer? Well there probably wasn't a Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals in those days I guess.

DougR

Subject: RE: BS: The P-Vine Strikes Again!!!
From: Desert Dancer
Date: 16 Mar 09 - 06:27 PM

And why is this P-vine's fault??

Subject: RE: BS: The P-Vine Strikes Again!!!
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Mar 09 - 06:32 PM

No, my mother's mother. Although I suspect Mom whacked off a head or six in her time.

Subject: RE: BS: The P-Vine Strikes Again!!!
From: Lox
Date: 16 Mar 09 - 06:54 PM

Whacking off a head means something else where I'm from ...

Subject: RE: BS: The P-Vine Strikes Again!!!
From: Ebbie
Date: 16 Mar 09 - 06:54 PM

See, Doug, it isn't torture when it goes ahead and kills them, if that what you're thinkin'. It isn't cruel. Unlike what our country has done in recent years.

Subject: RE: BS: The P-Vine Strikes Again!!!
From: Amos
Date: 16 Mar 09 - 06:57 PM

See what you do, Bobez-me-boy, is grab 'em just up under the head andmake a whirligig motion with your arm, which flips the hen in a large circle and breaks on them the neck. Thus, dead hen, for which no good use exists except to pluck and feed to them as knows how to eat 'em.


A

Subject: RE: BS: The P-Vine Strikes Again!!!
From: wysiwyg
Date: 16 Mar 09 - 07:08 PM

Bobert sez he a "retired chicken farmer." That means he knows how but P-Vine didn't ask him to kill chix, she tried to get already-dead chix to SERVE; but it backfired back on her and thus onto Bobert who would, if asked in the first place, have done the manly deed she preferred not to ask him to do for her. But loving her as he does, and she is worth her weight in snuggly puppies, it now falls to him to simply do whatever she NOW asks cuz that is the manly deed now in need of doing.

Right Bob?

Bob needs to liberate these chickens to find their own way in the world ("Oh Bob you are my hero, those pore chickens.....") and tell P-Vine a lovely story about their brand new home, and then go quietly call whoever he needs to call to order 2 dead and obviously-fresh-kilt chickens, and bring 'em on home to the P-Vine in a non-squeamish package that looks like home-kilt chix, cuz that is what she really wanted was 2 nice dead-- but not disturbing-- plumpers. So she could make her best, and serve it.

What isn't being said here is that P-Vine could and would throttle/chop, de=featherate, and cook 'em if Bob were sick or laid up, with a pretty scarf tied ovcer her hair, cuz she is a REAL GOOD WOMAN. But she would never de-man or out-man her Bobert cuz he her man.

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: The P-Vine Strikes Again!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 16 Mar 09 - 07:16 PM

My grandmother swung them round and round in circles over her head instead of chopping them.

Subject: RE: BS: The P-Vine Strikes Again!!!
From: Bobert
Date: 16 Mar 09 - 07:32 PM

I'm so confuzed, WYSuzie... Like, huh???

Mr Kenneth come and got 'um and he'll raise 'um up right to be good chickens...

I just talked with Johnny on the telephone and he was tatolly mystified that we wouldn't kilt 'um ourselves... I mean, these guys were like 6 weeks old and were going to the processing plant tomorrow when he got 'um...

I donno... I'd hate to kilt up a chicken but I would do it fir the P-Vine... I mean, I don't really like kiltin' Bambi but if Bambi is in the P-Vine's garden then Bambi is gonna get the lead... One mornin' I was sound asleep and the P-Vine wakes me up and she's got my 22/410 over/under and she's all upset 'cause Bambi is in her azaleas... Horrors... So I get up, not a stitch of clothes on, take the danged gun, step out onto the porch and send Bambi to the big ol' azalea patch in the sky... Then got in another 15 minutes of sleeep...

But kiltin' 6 week old chickens with my bare hands??? Ahhhhhhh, nope... Or at least maybe for P-Vine but I prolly have to go see Dr. Phil, 'er worser...

No matter... Them chickens is the two luckiest chickens in the stete of Virginia tonight... Mr. Kenneth is a good man an' he'll raise 'um up right... Sho nuff will...

B~

Subject: RE: BS: The P-Vine Strikes Again!!!
From: Gurney
Date: 16 Mar 09 - 07:52 PM

My granny picked them up by the legs, trod on their head, and pulled!


Hard to find a housewife like that, nowadays, I guess.

Subject: RE: BS: The P-Vine Strikes Again!!!
From: Janie
Date: 16 Mar 09 - 09:29 PM

Sounds like Bobert has sworn off of choking chickens....

(I'll get me hat....)

Subject: RE: BS: The P-Vine Strikes Again!!!
From: Deckman
Date: 16 Mar 09 - 09:50 PM

BLEED ... Ya gotta' BLEED 'EM! Doncha' know nuttin? If you don't cut off their heads, or at least slit their throats, the blood stays in the body and it rots quicker. SHEEUH! Bob(deckman)Nelson

Subject: RE: BS: The P-Vine Strikes Again!!!
From: Tangledwood
Date: 16 Mar 09 - 10:23 PM

"My grandmother swung them round and round in circles over her head instead of chopping them."

And them chickens got so dizzy the just walked right into the oven without knowin' it.

Subject: RE: BS: The P-Vine Strikes Again!!!
From: Ebbie
Date: 17 Mar 09 - 12:32 AM

When I was a kid, I absolutely hated chicken killing day but was often the assigned without-clout person to hold the chicken by the feet while my mother inserted the neck between the two nails protruding from the chop block and wielded a swift hatchet and then to fling the body off a distance.

Much as we hated the job (the brother just older than I would hide under a building until the job was done), today I think that cutting off the head was the least traumatic death for the chicken.

And of course Deckman is correct - the body has to be bled- cutting off the head served both functions.

Subject: RE: BS: The P-Vine Strikes Again!!!
From: GUEST,Dani
Date: 17 Mar 09 - 05:58 AM

I'm working on putting in a big ol' kitchen garden where I work. I suspect I'll be checking into the gardening thread, soon.

I also suspect that chickens aren't far behind. Ebbie, Bobert, please check in when you see THAT thread started... I'll need your help!

Dani

Subject: RE: BS: The P-Vine Strikes Again!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 17 Mar 09 - 12:11 PM

I think when she swung them like that, the heads came off, and then the chickens would go running around the yard squirting blood for a while before collapsing.

Subject: RE: BS: The P-Vine Strikes Again!!!
From: Ebbie
Date: 17 Mar 09 - 12:55 PM

CarolC, I suspect that unless one wielded a chicken like a bullwhip, the head would not come off. And unless the chicken was a really L O N G one, the chances of its head snapping would be zero to none.

Subject: RE: BS: The P-Vine Strikes Again!!!
From: SINSULL
Date: 17 Mar 09 - 01:01 PM

Almost time to renew the thread about the poor chicked who survived without his head for years...

Subject: RE: BS: The P-Vine Strikes Again!!!
From: SINSULL
Date: 17 Mar 09 - 01:04 PM

http://www.miketheheadlesschicken.org/story.php

Subject: RE: BS: The P-Vine Strikes Again!!!
From: Ebbie
Date: 17 Mar 09 - 01:04 PM

Oh, yeah- I'd forgotten that one. Now that would gross out the P-Vine. And Bobert. And me.

Subject: RE: BS: The P-Vine Strikes Again!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 18 Mar 09 - 07:26 AM

Well, I did a search on that method, and people do swing chickens around their heads to kill them. Swinging apparently snaps the neck, which kills the chicken. I would imagine that bleeding the dead chicken after the neck is snapped would be no more difficult than bleeding any other animal after its been killed.

So I see no reason to doubt what I was told about how my grandmother butchered her chickens.

Subject: RE: BS: The P-Vine Strikes Again!!!
From: Ebbie
Date: 18 Mar 09 - 10:51 AM

Do you know, CarolC, I think I mistook the statement. If one grasped the chicken by the head and swung it around that way, it would indeed kill the chicken.

I pictured it swung by the feet.

Either way, I don' lak it.

Subject: RE: BS: The P-Vine Strikes Again!!!
From: Amos
Date: 18 Mar 09 - 12:04 PM

WHen I lived in Gudalajara, my housekeeper explained that was her technique for converting a live bird to a food source. Swoosh! Snap!



A

Subject: RE: BS: The P-Vine Strikes Again!!!
From: Fortunato
Date: 18 Mar 09 - 12:09 PM

Tell Miss Peavine for me that under no circumstances is she ever to mention she'd like to have had more children, or a horse. Or that a stack of hundreds would be nice.

I get the feeling Johnny might get them for her.

And, yes, give her my best.

chance

Subject: RE: BS: The P-Vine Strikes Again!!!
From: Bill D
Date: 18 Mar 09 - 12:30 PM

Carol is correct about the basic technique and results...when I was in 4th grade, (in an urban setting), I walked down the alley behind our house to the house where some kids we knew lived. The mother raised a few chickens in a little backyard pen, and was just planning supper.
Being only about 9, and being a city kid, I was not prepared for seeing her grab a hen by the head and do this motion like cranking an old car. Traumatic to a 9 year old....even more to the chicken.

I'd say it took 20-30 seconds before it quit flopping. I think an axe would not have bothered me.

Subject: RE: BS: The P-Vine Strikes Again!!!
From: SINSULL
Date: 18 Mar 09 - 12:41 PM

The new law in South Portland allows me to raies chickens in my yard. I was counting on having the cat kill them.

Subject: RE: BS: The P-Vine Strikes Again!!!
From: Bobert
Date: 18 Mar 09 - 12:51 PM

Funny thing about cats, Sins...

Our four cats were scared to death of these two chickens in that bucket???? Not one of them even wanted to jump up and look inside...

Bunch of pussies, I'd have to say...

B;~)

Subject: RE: BS: The P-Vine Strikes Again!!!
From: maeve
Date: 18 Mar 09 - 01:44 PM

Hey Sinsull- How much do you have to pay per chicken to keep them according to the new law?

maeve

Subject: RE: BS: The P-Vine Strikes Again!!!
From: GUEST,Dani
Date: 19 Mar 09 - 09:28 AM

Yeah, I wouldn't count on the cat for more than just pissing them off. SEAMUS, on the other hand, given half a chance...

One of the most magical things I ever saw was on the farm of a friend I was doing some work for. His chickies were graduating up to the yard, and to move them, he showed me how to put their feets two at a time between our fingers, holding them upside down like I would carry a dozen wineglasses. They relax immediately and go peacefully wherever you want.

Whereupon you gently flip them over onto their feet, they shake off and run around like they just had a nap!

Dani

Subject: RE: BS: The P-Vine Strikes Again!!!
From: SINSULL
Date: 19 Mar 09 - 09:50 AM

I have known men like that...

Subject: RE: BS: The P-Vine Strikes Again!!!
From: frogprince
Date: 19 Mar 09 - 10:30 AM

"...feets two at a time between our fingers, holding them upside down like I would carry a dozen wineglasses..."

"I have known men like that... "

Sins, you must be one strong lady...: )

Subject: RE: BS: The P-Vine Strikes Again!!!
From: Amos
Date: 19 Mar 09 - 12:01 PM

I think she was referring to the flipping them back onto their feet part.


A

Subject: RE: BS: The P-Vine Strikes Again!!!
From: gnu
Date: 19 Mar 09 - 02:52 PM

Squeamish warning.

Carryin by the legs, well.... if ya never seen it done, don't try it. Cause if ya don't grab em right so ya lock and fold their leg joints proper, ya can get some nasty wounds. AND, if ya grab a rooster like that and he tries to peck ya, ya gotta give him a good downward shake as many times as it takes to explain to him that you want some coop-eration. Just don't let go.

As fer the killin, I was taught to grab em twixt the index and middle finger, lock em in with the thumb, twirl em quick to break the neck, then a hard downward snap to take the head off, and, most importantly, step on the head firmly with the heel to ensure as little suffering as possible IF (but not likely) the brain was still functioning.

Of course, I'd rather take em out of the plastic bag.

Subject: RE: BS: The P-Vine Strikes Again!!!
From: gnu
Date: 19 Mar 09 - 02:53 PM

Oh yeah... chickens got feet?