Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Liz the Squeak Date: 21 Dec 02 - 09:29 PM OK, so this is the shortest day... but it's also the longest night.. .where is that mistletoe? LTS |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Cluin Date: 22 Dec 02 - 12:42 AM It's all been hoarded by a disreputable scion of unspecified foreign royalty, who has tied it to his belt, both in front and behind. He is presently standing on a table, clutching a huge stein of ale, three sheets to the hurricane and is incorrigibly belting out dirty versions of songs: But a horny old cuss was he He called for his queen and he called for his ho' And he called for his diddlers three... Of course, the Aberflyhalf RFC are cheering him on and there is talk of a coup... |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Gareth Date: 22 Dec 02 - 05:17 AM Cluin - a calamny, a despicable calamny - I have never claimed to be the "scion of unspecified royalty" Any way the mistltoe is significant at Beltain !!!! Gareth |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Dead Horse Date: 22 Dec 02 - 10:25 AM But why is the mistletoe hung BEHIND! Tis as I suspected. You sir, are a prevert. |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Amos Date: 22 Dec 02 - 02:01 PM It's an ancient Druidic symbolic ritual, the nearest modern translation of which, scholars agree, can only be rendered as "Kiss My Royal Irish Arse". This is not a widely known fact, because most scholars blanch at the very concept, let alone the prospect of publishing it in words. A |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Cluin Date: 22 Dec 02 - 02:35 PM Actually, they hold back on publishing because there is some disagreement on the translation: some think the modern equivalent of the word is "Royal", while others think it is "Wild". More government funding is required to further research the discrepancy. |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Cluin Date: 22 Dec 02 - 02:38 PM By the way, doesn't Welsh mean Foreign? *sneaking out* |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Rustic Rebel Date: 22 Dec 02 - 02:46 PM The long-hair with the loin cloth and tool belt, sat beside me. He wasn't to bad to look at or smell after he had cleaned himself up a bit.He must have been getting a little buzzed though because he starts complaining to me a little.. He says, I repaired the hole in the roof, but do they call me a carpenter? I fixed the leaking faucet in the mens room, but do they call me a plumber? I build a rock wall around the paint truck to stop the wave of the fuschia, but do they call me a mason? No,But I fuck one inflatable sheep... I'm thinking this is someone Gareth, Art, or the bare-chested man in the MacGregor kilt could handle better than myself so I slip off the bar stool and go find myself a bottle of Cuervo behind the bar.(I figure I might as well take the whole bottle since we have no-one to tend bar) I think there is some coconut, lime and salt under the tree so I wonder off that way. |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Cluin Date: 22 Dec 02 - 02:49 PM Yeah, Enkidu always did get rather morose just before he passed out. |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Dead Horse Date: 22 Dec 02 - 03:51 PM If Gareth has a Royal Irish Arse (RIA) he should get it decommisioned at once. |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: SINSULL Date: 22 Dec 02 - 07:11 PM Is a diddler a person or a thing? And why does he need three? HAHA the duck said to put it on his bill. Just got it. I think I will help myself to the bottle of Jack Daniels behind the bar. Saves getting up and down. Put it on the duck's bill...HAHAHA |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Rapparee Date: 22 Dec 02 - 07:34 PM The quiet man simply drank his Talisker, his sixth? seventh? seventieth? He'd quit counting some time ago. Exciting evening, what with the wave of the fuschia and all. He'd gotten pretty disgusted, too, with the various puns engendered: Liz, spying a small puddle of the paint off to one side, had said, "Look! The waif of the fuschia!" Amos, afraid that once the flood was stopped it would return as a ghost, had babbled about the "wraith of the future." He turned his back to the window and called to bartender for more. It was, he knew, either back to the fuschia or he'd be suffering from fuschia shock. |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Cluin Date: 22 Dec 02 - 10:56 PM And thusly did the poor inebriated Taverners discover that both the bottle of Jack and the bartender were no longer on the premises--two of the seven signs that a new gyre fast approacheth. So let it be written... So let it be done. |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Gareth Date: 23 Dec 02 - 02:52 AM Only to the foriegners !!!!! Gareth awaiting the Eweltide festivities ! |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Liz the Squeak Date: 23 Dec 02 - 02:59 AM How do you turn a duck into a blues singer? Put it in a microwave until it's Bill Withers! (sorry duck lovers....) LTS |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Dave Bryant Date: 23 Dec 02 - 10:30 AM What a waste of a duck ! - you don't get any of that lovely crisp skin in a microwave. The one that we're looking forward to on Wednesday will be meticulously prepared before it goes into the oven. There doesn't seem to be much in the way of good, loud singing in the tavern at the moment - so I'll just slip away from Linda's Christmas preparations and find the Greenwich portal - it should be near the market - ah here we are. OK what about "While Shepherds Watched" to the tune of "Cranbrook" ? I'll sing the melody line in the Tenor -Come on MMario they tell me you've got a big voice - you can sing the baritone part. Liz, you've got the Soprano part and Morty can sing Alto. One, Two, Three While Shepherds watched their flocks by night............ |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: MMario Date: 23 Dec 02 - 10:50 AM MMario doesn't have much of any voice at the moment - his identical twin descendant/cousin/twin/ancestor Benjermin Laudley-Bellowes got a wee bit enthusiastic while celebrating Mr. Scrooges 'epiphany' yesterday - and while caroling - gradually lost tenor range, baritone range, and finally bass range - for once (and it don't happen often) MMario is silent. |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Dave Bryant Date: 23 Dec 02 - 11:43 AM Christ - that was a shambles - sorry Roger, I wasn't talking about you. I'll just nip back and print out a load of scores - then we can do some note-bashing and try it again. Do you all think that Christmas is just about getting pissed, shagging any creature that moves, and cooking and eating any that don't. BTW try and sort out who's singing the bass part - it's not difficult - it only goes down to A and up to D on the bass clef. You can find a MIDI of Thomas Clark's score HERE . |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: MMario Date: 23 Dec 02 - 11:51 AM of course not - Christmas is about lots more then getting pissed, shagging, cooking, and eating. those are just incidental functions. that make the holiday more festive. |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Dead Horse Date: 23 Dec 02 - 05:59 PM Christmas is about getting your inflateable bollox blown up, your foreskin ripped off, a tree stuffed up your behind, your best sloe gin used as a fire extinguisher, and your missus rogered by the skiffler! Been a good year, so far. Definately got this place in my calender for 2003. |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Cluin Date: 23 Dec 02 - 06:08 PM Yeah, but what's the soundtrack like for that movie, Dead Horse? |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Yorkshire Tony Date: 23 Dec 02 - 06:18 PM I can probably handle the Bass part. Camo can do the descants. Now how did it go: While shepherds washed their socks by night all seated on the ground The Angle of the Lord came down and paid for pints all round. |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Leadfingers Date: 23 Dec 02 - 07:16 PM To the tune of Ilkley Moor BahT'at |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: GUEST Date: 23 Dec 02 - 07:29 PM Drunken voice at the back of the room says, whoever organised this orgy shoulda be crucified...... |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Dave Swan Date: 23 Dec 02 - 07:52 PM Tony, you've saved Sherburne for me. New meaning. A genuine smile when I sing it. Thanks fo rhte Christmas present. Cheers, D |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Liz the Squeak Date: 23 Dec 02 - 08:21 PM Sorry, thought I was doing bass... not had enough gin for that.... shall we try again? And baggsy I get to sing the line about the angel of the Lord giving them all a scrub... LTS |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Stilly River Sage Date: 24 Dec 02 - 01:24 AM
|
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: mg Date: 24 Dec 02 - 01:39 AM and here is what they sang Jesus our King kind and good was humbly born in a stable of wood And the lowly beasts around him stood Jesus our King kind and good I said the donkey shaggy and brown I carried his mother up and down I carried his mother to Bethlehem town I said the donkey shaggy and brown I said the ox this was my hay I gave him my manger twas here that he lay I gave him my manger twas here that he lay I said the ox this was my hay (I said the sheep with pearly horn I gave him my wool for a blanket warm He wore my coat on Christmas morn I said the sheep with pearly horn) I said the dove from the rafters high I sang him to sleep that he would not cry We sang him to sleep my love and I I said the dove from the rafters high And so every heart by some good spell in the stable dark was glad to tell Of the gift they he gave to Emanuel of the gift that he gave to Emanuel |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Liz the Squeak Date: 24 Dec 02 - 02:18 AM But what happened to the duck? LTS |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Dead Horse Date: 24 Dec 02 - 05:37 AM Bugger the duck. (ooh er) It's them chameleons I feel sorry for. (no flies on them!) Could you all sing faster, please, because they are re-running WW2 on the tele and I want to see how it turns out. We might lose this time, so as to be eligible for reconstruction money. |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Roger the Skiffler Date: 24 Dec 02 - 09:12 AM From:Sue,Grabbit & Runne, Solicitors & Commissioners of bloody oaths. To: Mr Equine Deceased Re: Allegations made against our client Roger aka The Skiffler, hereinafter referred to as the party of the first part (second hand and worn out parts) My client feels your allegations are an unjustified slur on your lovely lady wife, Kay, aka Clogs of Fire, but flattering in regard to his own appeal to, and performance with, the opposite sex, so could you please publicise them as widely as possiblt to enhance his street cred down the day centre and NYCFTTS. Yours etc... RtS |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: SINSULL Date: 24 Dec 02 - 09:33 AM (aside) Lovely, Mary. Thank you. Now back to the frivolities. To My Duck "There were three little ducks And they did go Wibble Wobble Wibble Wobble Down to the pond. But the one little duck With a feather on his back He'd lead the others With a "Quack quack quack" If the ocean were whiskey And I was a duck, I would dive to the bottom and never come up. But the ocean ain't whiskey And I ain't no duck So I'll drink the Jack Daniels And not give a ... Yellow bird Up high in the Christmas tree. Yellow bird Escaping the reverie. Would you like some Dew? It's my favorite brew. It's from Tennessee Where the grass is blue And the banjo rules And a twang is cool. They are more lucky than we. |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Dead Horse Date: 24 Dec 02 - 08:33 PM Xmas calypso music eminating from the bar.(the bar where Messers Sue,Grabbit & Runne, Solicitors & Commissioners of bloody oaths practise, no doubt.) As for the rogering, look mate, she's my wife, I have to, fer gawds sake. Wots your excuse? Seein' as how we is singin' agin', an' we got a theme of *whisky*, I reckon I might do a shanty if only I could think of one............... nope. Don't suppose there can be any, seein' as how all sailors was tea total. I dreamed a dream, the other night Tea bags, Tea bags away, my John Make me a cup, and make it white My Tea bags, haa-way Now, don't forget to warm the pot, Tea bags, Tea bags away, my John I likes it warm, but not too hot My Tea bags, haa-way And there's more where that came from, so let that be a warning. |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Rapparee Date: 25 Dec 02 - 02:21 PM It was time. More than time, in fact. He took out The Trumpet. This one was midnight blue, with silver -- stars, were they? -- in the bell. This one you couldn't hardly keep in sight; it tended to vanish with vision, like something seen only in the corner of the eye. He put it to his lips, then put in a mute and blew one crystal clear note. It hung in the air like a star. No one noticed. The quiet man put the trumpet away, muttering to himself, "No, it's not time yet. I'll let Gabe do it; it's his job after all." He looked over the crowd again, and sighed, "They do a lot more good than ill. And this planet needs all the good it can get." He picked up The Trumpet, pulled the mouthpiece, and put both back into his pack. He drained the Talisker, shook his head indulgently, and with a faint "pop" vanished, leaving in the air only a "Merry Christmas and Peace On Earth" shimmering like thousands of tiny stars. |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Stilly River Sage Date: 25 Dec 02 - 02:44 PM Sage looked up, with a niggling little feeling, like she almost just remembered something--it was like a scene from a Jack Benny movie--The Horn Blows at Midnight, sans the coffee cup. |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Liz the Squeak Date: 27 Dec 02 - 02:56 AM There was the most delicious sound in the air... The band in the corner petered out to a gentle harmonic, even Morty looked up from her Baileys, and Liz stopped chomping on the sprout sandwich..... Suddenly, it felt as if someone had opened a window onto heaven, the air freshened, the sweet pine scent of the tree overpowered the fug of booze, farts and the jello pit. From far away, there came the sound of an ancient clock, chiming with the sound of silver bells, midnight. The duck, the chameleons and the donkey turn to the east, kneel down, and the air is filled with light from a source no-one can tell. 'Blessings on you all' they say, 'even you with the orange sauce'. Like the realisation that it's end of term or free drinks at the bar, every face is smiling, serene or beautiful. Gaudete, Gaudete, Christus est natus, Ex Maria, virgine. Gaudete! Pax vobiscum LTS |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Dead Horse Date: 27 Dec 02 - 07:22 AM I see the whist drivers are back, and trumps are in the air. (goes over to corner, hangs sou'wester over web-cam) Chameleons having settled down to a mahogany hue, are now flicking their tongues out in turn, playing at catching bar flies. Morti appears to be the favourite target. There is a knocking at the front door, then a bunch of hoodeners enter, saying......... Here comes bludger and his motley crew, They've come to see what they can screw out of you. Open your wallet, dig into your pocket, Then we'll be off, just like a rocket. It may not be traditional, but it is blessedly short. Not at all like a mummers play, really. |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Liz the Squeak Date: 27 Dec 02 - 05:59 PM Come on you lot, Christmas isn't over for another 9 days yet!!! LTS |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: MMario Date: 27 Dec 02 - 06:28 PM But the place is a WRECK! Maybe we need to phase it into a new incarnation for New Years and Hogmany - then celebrate Old Christmas and Epiphany too! |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Stilly River Sage Date: 27 Dec 02 - 09:47 PM
Knowing that a tip might well be offered by the customers, many now childlike in their sleep, the elves each help themselves to some of MMario's auroch and a roll each of Liz the Squeak's duct tape, left over from her early adventures in the tavern john. They depart merrily into the sweet-smelling night, knowing the revellers (who possess quite a bit of magic of their own) are all set to celebrate the New Year. Mmario and the barkeep begin to rouse first, and turn to tend their meat and drink for the stirring revellers. |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: mg Date: 27 Dec 02 - 10:28 PM I sure hope they didn't use up all the lye in something so mundane as cleaning, seeing as it could be used in next year's lutefisk, thought the Swedish matron who had been given the chore of chaperoning the young maidens with flammables in their hair. mg |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Liz the Squeak Date: 28 Dec 02 - 04:41 AM Hmmmmmm... wonder if they'd like to come home with me.... I could do with some extra help with the cats and around the house, especially that little one with the hairy chest, the one who listens to the same radio station as me...... bet he'd be good with the pussies. Have the duct tape and welcome... and if you come back on New Years' Eve, the usual will be in the garden, under the pitsiporum. LTS |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Dead Horse Date: 28 Dec 02 - 07:03 PM Bloody hell! I've woken up in the wrong place! Get me outa here, and back to the tavern, I left something there....(forget what. Bars open. Staying.) |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: SINSULL Date: 28 Dec 02 - 10:19 PM Wow! They even shaved my armpits and waxed my legs. Flossed and brushed as well. I haven't been this shevelled in months. Wonder if they would be available for some light house cleaning on a bi-weekly basis???? Would like a bikini waxing for the new year too. I will have to check with the shoemaker next time I get re-soled or sold or souled... |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Gareth Date: 29 Dec 02 - 04:33 AM And with a gentle sigh of escaped air the inflatable sheep settles down, and is rolled up and packed away into storage for the next opening of the Mudcat Tavern. The Monkey, dressed in its Sailors Uniform departs, it has an inkling to depart for Hartlepool, it's heard that Monkeys can have a swinging time there. Throats sore and bleeding the Aberflyhalf RFC depart at a swaggering stagger, thier jollility dampened by the thought of post Xmas training sesions, and hoping against hope that the Scrumage Training machine will not continue to win the ball in thier practice sessions. As they depart through the door leading to thier little valley the croaking strains of "Cosher Bailey" fade into the bible black darkness Have you ever saw, Have you ever saw, Have you ever saw, Such a funny thing before ... Into the void drifts a tinkling of Morris Bells, as always the Morris Dancers are the last to leave The drays arrive to collect the empties. Silence, decorum and sobrity settle over the tavern, like Van der Dekker, it exists in its own niche of unreality, awaiting revival when the festivities commence. Gareth |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Liz the Squeak Date: 29 Dec 02 - 07:15 AM BBrrrrrrrrrrrruuuuuuuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaapppppppppppppphhhhhhhhh! that's better... always more effective when there's no background noise... Silence, decorum and sobriety my arse!!! BBrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmpppppppppppppppphhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Listen how it tinkles off the tree ornaments... or is that the empties.... LTS |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Gareth Date: 29 Dec 02 - 09:22 AM Into the void drifts a tinkling of Morris Bells, as always the Morris Dancers are the last to leave Correction - Delete Morris Dancers - Insert LtS Meantime the Chameleons turn a brown, sludgy colour. A learned scientist writes a paper on "The Olefactory Input of Chameleons". Gareth |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: My guru always said Date: 29 Dec 02 - 12:21 PM Well-groomed & dusted off the little Tabby on the bar yawns, stretches & looks around for her new-found friends. 'Damn, I've lost them all again..... and just when I was starting to feel at home! Maybe they'll be back for New Year, there's just time for a quick singaround before New Year's Eve. Maybe it was all just a dream.......' |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Noreen Date: 29 Dec 02 - 12:59 PM Small yellow Pontefraction duck awakes, nail holes in beak and webs also mended by shoemaker's elves. (Wonder if they've done the same for Oakley's parts too?) Feeling peckish, as ducks are wont to do, hops around on pristine bar: "Got'ny.... |
Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Cllr Date: 29 Dec 02 - 02:07 PM Hello got any port? Cllr |