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BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: MMario Date: 17 Dec 02 - 10:06 PM The roof will fix itself if we reboot the Tavern - we got it from Microsloth Roof and Windows. |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Roger the Skiffler Date: 18 Dec 02 - 04:12 AM The sleeper awakes and belches Metaxas fumes dangerously near to the Xmas tree lights. "Dead Horse is a damn fine triangle player an' that Kay can certainly clog 'em good, let's find my kazoo and clean the cat sh*t off the washboard an' give 'em "Jitterbug Swing". C'm on you women, an' do the jitterbug swing... UMPPH" A timely application of mince pie mercifully cuts short the caterwauling that has the cats climbing the Xmas tree in terror and was in danger of curdling the Baileys. RtS |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Chip2447 Date: 18 Dec 02 - 05:59 AM WHOA!!!! That was kinda cool. I wonder if we can market that shit, hell who needs Middle Eastern oil. On second thought, the environmental impact statement would ruin us. Ralph would love us..."Unsafe at any tavern....Mudcatters" Party on folks, it wont be long until some Politally Correct Wannabee decides that we are the next threat to humanity, cause what we've eyewitnessed here was a weapon of Mass destruction if ever there were one. "They're coming to take me away haha...." Got any of those devilled eggs and the nasty cheap beer left? Never know when we are gonna need another one of those demon fighting flatuence attacks. I'll just wander back to me corner booth, give a shout if'm ya need me. Chip2...24.....24...24kinmuch to drinkkk |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Dave Bryant Date: 18 Dec 02 - 06:06 AM The door which previously led to Hull9 swings open, and it is apparent that the hyperspace link has realigned itself. Visible now is the Cutty Sark complete with a crowd of maritime heritage lovers who are lamenting over it's state. Two suited gentleman walk in, each carrying a briefcase and large clipboard. "This doesn't look like the inside of "The Cricketers", says one. "No it must be some other pub", says the other, "Still the Cricketers has got a PEL now - what about this place". The two of them walk over to the bar where they enquire the name of the establishment. "Mudcat Tavern ?" queries one them, searching through a little black book, "No they don't have a PEL". MMario tries to diffuse the situation by offering them a plate of hot auroch, they both smell it suspiciously and one of them produces a plastic bag into which puts a sample, "Wait till the Health and Hygene boys analyse that he says". The other man from the council has noticed the bearmat demon which is growling menacingly from under a table, "They've even got vermin running around - tch-tch-tcch". "Yes agrees the other, "But look at all this live performance without a PEL - Greenwich council will make a packet out of this". Dead Horse pushes to the front "What entertainment ?" he asks. "God, they've even got female impersonators" says the first inspector, "And Sheep", says the other, "Perhaps we should pull in the RSPCA - that sheep looks copmpletely shagged". |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Dead Horse Date: 18 Dec 02 - 07:31 AM (What's that about Lizzies oversized tankard? Surely a tankard can only be oversized if you can't lift it!!!) "There's still some shaggin' left in that sheep yet, so it aint completely useless, unlike my inflateable nuts. The valve blew off, you know. I've been Bobbitted. And the best years of my life afore me. I'll have to get an im-plant. How about a carrot? Or, better yet, a parsnip?" His missus stops dancing long enough to fix him with a withering glare "That'll be a turnup fer the book, might consider goin' vegetarian" |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Dave Bryant Date: 18 Dec 02 - 07:59 AM More likely "A turnip for the book" ! |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Rapparee Date: 18 Dec 02 - 08:11 AM "Care for a drink?" the quiet one asks the PEL inspectors. "Good 'un," one replied, pouring the liquor from the quaintly shaped vessel into another plastic bag. "Wait, have to get it all," he said, putting his finger inside to wipe it out. "ARGH! Percy! Help me!" screamed the first, as he found himself being sucked into the Klein bottle, first by the finger and then more quickly. Looking up from looking up the basque, Percy seized his co-worker's foot, only to be sucked in along with him. Close examination of the interior of the bottle was a ghastly experience, but the light sparkled off of it in crystaline rainbows. The quiet one walked over and hung it on the tree. "Klein bottles," he said. "Three dimensional object with only one side. Great topology. Just gotta love 'em. Bartender, how about a Talisker? A big one." He pulled out his spoons, and, being considerate, broke into a silent rendition of a medley of stuff from Twisted Sister. He thought the group appropriate. |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: My guru always said Date: 18 Dec 02 - 08:14 AM SPLAT - and the Catters surrounding the tree were glooped with fresh Baileys. Both Cats had belly-flopped in perfect harmony from the top of the tree into the waiting bowl below. Landing on all paws they survey the shambolic scene and decide on who to clean up first. 'Hope someone tells MMario not to pluck the Small Bird of Prey when it finally turns up - it's a hunter, not the hunted'! The ethereal Druidess prepares a manger in readiness for the 'Babe-to-Be' & the RFC members & Morris sides start taking bets on the sex of the awaited MudKitten. |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Dave Bryant Date: 18 Dec 02 - 10:35 AM The UK door opened again and a bearded Ozzie with glasses and three legs carrying a digereedoo, woggle-board and artist's easel. "G'day" he says "yer don't mind if I pop back to Oz for Christmas by this short cut - saves on the air fares". "Jeezus-Bloody-Christ - that sheep looks as though it's got a few more left in it - I mean as though it needs the animal hospital - I'll see it gets the treatment it needs". He slings the sheep over his shoulder and disappears out of the Southern Hemisphere door, whistling "Tie me Kangaroo down Sport". |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: GUEST,CHICKS WITH STICKS Date: 18 Dec 02 - 11:09 AM Hi were lookin for men with brooms! |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Cluin Date: 18 Dec 02 - 12:42 PM And before the South Hemisphere door shuts completely, a tiny termite scoots in. It makes the trek across to the bar and climbs behind the brass rail, up the face and around onto the top. Summoning all his miniscule breath, he squeaks out at the top of his little lungs: "Excuse me, is the bar tender here?" "Balls!" growls the barkeep. "Not another bloody one." *SWAT!**smear* |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Dead Horse Date: 18 Dec 02 - 02:14 PM So the bartender passed the smear test! As the odour of burning melodeon passed into the night, accompanied by several DH Morrismen, all singing *Shag a Wallaby* at the end of every verse of The Aussie Bestial Bondage Song, Dh himself noticed that the sheep was missing. "Bloody hell!" he moaned, "Now I'll have to screw the cats. Which one first? The tabby or the mangey one?" Having decided, he slopes off into a corner, where he rogers the old tom, all the while singing "Away in a mangier, no broom for a chick. The dirty old pirate is dipping his wick" |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: My guru always said Date: 18 Dec 02 - 04:09 PM Shades of Dr Busker methinks.... |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: MMario Date: 18 Dec 02 - 04:44 PM checking the first aid kit to discover the bodhran anti-venom is outdated!!!!! Can't have that! One good bite from one of them baby 'rhans and someone could permanently lose their sense of rythym! |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Noreen Date: 18 Dec 02 - 05:42 PM The cellar door (which apparently leads to Pontefract) squeaks open and a yellow duck waddles into the tavern, splashes through the Baileys puddles and in a manner not totally dissimilar to the erstwhile baby bodhran, leaps onto the bar, and enquires of the tender bartender: "Got any bread?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Cluin Date: 18 Dec 02 - 05:44 PM Oh oh... |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Cluin Date: 18 Dec 02 - 05:48 PM A voice shouts out from the opened north-eastern door: "Barkeep! Catch!" And a small box of 1 1/2" Ardox nails comes flying in. Which the barkeep intercepts nimbly from the air. "What are these for?" he inquires. "Hang on to `em. You'll see..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Gareth Date: 18 Dec 02 - 06:47 PM Them termites is sneaky, as the sacrificial termite Kamikazies to the bar, the Veld door is besieged, and a troup make a line to the Christmas tree ( they have a hankering for resin flavoured wood ) - Oooops - bad call - the Chameleons think it is Christmas, tounges flashing they eat thier fill. The deflated inflatable Sheep re-enters, flacid, she is looking for someone, or thing, to give her a blow job. Gareth |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Noreen Date: 18 Dec 02 - 08:02 PM Nasty Cluin.... |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Noreen Date: 18 Dec 02 - 09:01 PM Not in the least distracted by crunching chameleons, flying nails or the nimble, tender bartender, Bailey-footed duck repeats: "Got'ny bread?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Yorkshire Tony Date: 18 Dec 02 - 10:16 PM For crying out loud - I am not mangey - I am a tortoiseshell cat and all tortoiseshell cats are FEMALE!! (Although in my case not as noticeably as I once was before a trip to the vet). Now you come near me with that and I'll show you that although old my claws are still sharp. OK, you asked for it - rip, hack, slash. Camo returns to her Baileys with her tail proclaiming her victory, while a passer-by turns to the sea dog and says "I didn't know you were jewish". |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Cluin Date: 18 Dec 02 - 11:57 PM Barkeep replies, while putting away the box of nails under the bar, "I just serve drinks. No I don't have any bread. Go ask MMario." |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: mg Date: 19 Dec 02 - 12:19 AM Swedish maidens despair of humans eating the lutefisk so they are prancing all around the bar saying here kitty kitty.. mg |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Yorkshire Tony Date: 19 Dec 02 - 01:00 AM Tony and Camo wander after the Swedish maidens - although for slightly different reasons. If I have to eat lutefisk and drink aquavit to get a grope with something other than an inflatable sheep - well you only live once. I wonder if this place has a Sauna or if the Swedish maidens would settle for a bit of jelly wrestling instead. Hey MMario - have you got some mashed potato and bacon to go with this lutefisk? |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Liz the Squeak Date: 19 Dec 02 - 02:10 AM Oh Dead Horse, if only you could see it properly.... It holds half a gallon and I've never been able to find anyone rich enough to fill it copmletely with Baileys..... but it has been filled with many another liquid in it's time...... but maybe here isn't the place for that. Hey big boy, come and fill me up with that wonderful creamy stuff.... if I can get the bloody cat out .... something seems to have frightened her. LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Stilly River Sage Date: 19 Dec 02 - 03:12 AM The tall Irish/Norwegian woman opens the door a crack and moves in from the cold. She quietly slips into the welcoming warmth of the room and walks toward a corner, until she notices the rocket-propelled darts, and moves toward the southern hemisphere door instead. It's warm there, and as she is wrapped in many layers of clothing, quickly gets too hot. She removes her woolen hat, outer Gortex parka, a down vest, and a flannel shirt, then steps out of her boots and flannel lined snow pants to reveal a jeans and a soft fuzzy sweater. "I thought I smelled some lutefisk, but there's also some boeuf here, I think," she says softly to herself. A quiet dyslexic, she sets her pile of discarded clothing against the wall and glances around to see if there was a monitor where she can catch up with the conversation before saying anything. Several tree ornaments rest quietly in her pocket until she's up to speed and is sure they will be welcome. She pulls a small jar of herring wine snacks out of the pocket of her parka and approaches the barkeep. She twists the jar open and places it on the bar. "A red beer, please" The bartender pulls out a can of tomato juice, pours two ounces into the bottom of the schooner, then fills it with beer on tap. "Thanks," she mumbles, and steps back to the wall to watch the crowd and smell the wonderful aroma of food cooking. She thinks maybe she should go schmooze with the cook for a few minutes, and find out just what all is cooking back there and out front. In the time it took her to decide to enter the building so MUCH had happened. . . |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Rapparee Date: 19 Dec 02 - 07:17 AM Then he heard it, off in the distance at first, a muffled sort of sound which seemed all the world like a thud-thud, thud-thud, getting louder and louder and louder as it came closer and closer and closer. Just as it reached its crescendo, the northernwestern door was torn from its hinges and a balog stomped in, its meter-long tusks dripping black venom, its evil red eyes...no, wait, it was Amos, who'd gotten lost on his way to the men's room...chanting his mantra... FLOOD DICK! FLOOD DICK! FLOOD DICK! (sorry, I can't do the html well or this would get larger and larger) FLOOD DICK! FLOOD DICK! FLOOD DICK! |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: MMario Date: 19 Dec 02 - 08:27 AM In Unison the inhabitants of the bar rise up and throw things at the spammer. Sharp pointy things. Heavy blunt things. ERASERS! |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Dave Bryant Date: 19 Dec 02 - 08:39 AM Dead Horse looks cautiously round the room - there's no sign of Kay - and he doesn't get offers like that from ladies (let alone LTS) every day. He staggers over to her, "OK - GET EM OFF" he shouts seductively. He strikes what he thinks is a manly pose and removes the last tatters of the basque. It is only at this point that he realises what the ravages of the Bearmat Demon and Camo the tortoiseshell cat have done to him. He is quite unable to raise a stuttered monologue - let alone anything else. Liz takes one look and a high-pitched squeaking sound of incredible volume fills the room. All the animals rush out of their nearest doors, several patrons fall to the ground unconscious, and the Klein bottle hanging on the Christmas Tree explodes releasing the two PEL inspectors. "Christ" says one "What was it that Mr Howells said about the racket that one unamplified performer can make ? - we better get the environmental people down here as well". They rush out of the southern hemisphere door straight into a christmas convention of funnel-web spiders. |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: MMario Date: 19 Dec 02 - 08:44 AM Good thing too - they were out of their jurisdiction. Who wanted the mashed with bacon? ORDER UP! BTW folks - the dessert buffet is in the biliard room. |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Dead Horse Date: 19 Dec 02 - 09:08 AM Big Boy! Jeez. I ain't bin called that since I tried to sneak on a kids ride at Disney World. I got a tankard that holds 7.5pints (why aint there no fractions keys) and before that damn mangey cat with the kung-fu claws got at it, it had a lid. Hinged. Right! Where's that feline Rabbi? Come and see what ya can do with a gall-bladder, and save the National Health time & money. If it's got to go, then it might as well end up in a Yorkshire cat. Hope the stones choke the varmint. If Cheshire cats have smiles, what do Yorky cats have? Maybe their anal sphincters enlarge to a point where they completely vanish in a cloud of feline fart! Mustn't get too regionalist: I once knew a gal who gave a whole new meaning to Flamborough Head! |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Dave Bryant Date: 19 Dec 02 - 09:12 AM Liz, still laughing, turns to look at the plate which MMario is proffering. The plate seems to be getting hotter and MMario jumps back and drops it as sparks start arcing from the decorative gold rim. Up to that point no one had realised that the most powerful part of Liz's notorious laugh was in the Microwave part of the spectrum ! |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: MMario Date: 19 Dec 02 - 09:21 AM Cats on the rooftops, cats on the tiles! Cats with the clap, and the crabs and the piles! Cats with their butts all wreathed in smiles; As they revel in the joys of YEeeee-OUCH! How'd that thing get so hot! |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Rustic Rebel Date: 19 Dec 02 - 09:29 AM a long haired, foul smelling, dirtier than dirt man dressed in a loin cloth and tool belt, equipt with hammer, walks into the tavern from the eastern door. Barkeep, please tend to my thirst with a Johney Walker Red and a Guiness shooter, for I have been walking the desert for fourty years when suddenly, my father from an alien ship beamed down and told me, "there is a little tavern to the west that has a hole in the roof and the rain is coming in." I have a hammer, but I have no nails. I'll just sit here and get wasted, if all else fails. |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Noreen Date: 19 Dec 02 - 10:37 AM "Got'ny bread?" (Glad to see those nails have all been used to mend the roof- thanks for that, Rustic Rebel!) |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: MMario Date: 19 Dec 02 - 10:43 AM uh-oh don' let the rain, come down, uh-oh don' let the rain come down! uh-oh don' let the rain come down - the roof had a hole in it but it's all fixed... |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Noreen Date: 19 Dec 02 - 10:55 AM Yellow duck licks the last of the Baileys from his webs, sniffs diparagingly (as only Pontefract ducks can) at the roast aurochs and singed mashed with bacon, and dodges a sly side-swipe form a not-very-interested tortoiseshell. "Got'ny bread?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Cluin Date: 19 Dec 02 - 12:43 PM Suddenly there is a huge *THUD* on the roof, followed by a splintering/crashing sound and a new hole in the roof has been formed. Right over the bar and the hapless duck. Through the hole plummets (in a controlled way) a large purple bespectacled walrus, landing squarely on the duck, mashing it flat. "GOO GOO GOO JOOB!" roars the walrus, which heaves it self off the duck-stained, splintered remains of that section of the bar. It starts walrussing (what else would you call it?) towards the North door. |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: MMario Date: 19 Dec 02 - 12:48 PM ohmygawd. whatever shall we tell Geoff and Mrs. Duck? |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Stilly River Sage Date: 19 Dec 02 - 01:02 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Dead Horse Date: 19 Dec 02 - 01:44 PM The walrus opens the door, and in march the Cerne Abbas Mummers. "In comes I,.................(looks furtively around, and heaves a sigh of relief - no PEL inspectors) but before we begin, I'm off to the bar, for a double of gin." "Not very traditional, but they've always done it" says DH, with a grin. "Chalk one up for the Long Men" Hearing this, Morti & Liz come over all hot 'n funny. "So why are you called Long Men?" they enquire, in unison. (Together, at once, simultaneously, with each other, at one and the same time, harmonised). |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Gareth Date: 19 Dec 02 - 01:45 PM Herring Smacks ??? " Out of Yarmouth we were sailing ??" Gareth |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Noreen Date: 19 Dec 02 - 03:16 PM QU...ACK! indignant ruffle of displaced feathers, bar splinters scattering "Got'ny ...bread?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Bee-dubya-ell Date: 19 Dec 02 - 03:58 PM To which every person in the Tavern replies in unison: "No, you little shit! There's no frikkin' bread in the place! Now shuddup or we'll nail your little webbed feet to the Bar!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Stilly River Sage Date: 19 Dec 02 - 04:07 PM "Tusk, tusk," said the tall blonde woman as the walrus jammed his girth through the doorway, cracking the load-bearing support opposite the hinges of the door. "I won't choose THAT doorway if there's an earthquake in here!" She walks over to the tree, past the cats, gently nudging chameleons out of the way with the tip of her shoe, and reaches down to gently dislodge one of the duck's knees from a large crack in what used to be the bar. "There you go, get along, little duckie." She pulls several objects out of her pocket, examines them closely, looks around the room, back at her hand, then carefully pulls out the perfect miniature representation of a lumber 2x4 on a small gold hook and places it in the tree. She bends over to the wet spot where the walrus passed close to the tree and picks up the discarded metal lid to the wine snack jar. This she props on the branch between two small twigs, near the 2x4. Next, she pulls some bread from her pocket and drops it gently on the duck's head. In the spirit of the season, she has cast bread upon the wattles.
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Noreen Date: 19 Dec 02 - 04:10 PM "Got'ny nails?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: MMario Date: 19 Dec 02 - 04:36 PM To the little duck's surprise - at least 2 cats, a lemming, three shrews and a saggy-assed tortoise display claws - abundant sharp claws. |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Noreen Date: 19 Dec 02 - 04:55 PM A lemming???????? |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Noreen Date: 19 Dec 02 - 04:57 PM Of course! There's always a lemming or two behind the bar, for the gin & tonics. |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Catherine Jayne Date: 19 Dec 02 - 05:01 PM "Stoopid question, me duck, asking if we have any nails" says the bartender who is getting increasingly more pissed off with the ducks persistant questions asking for bread as he nails the ducks little webbed feet to the bar floor!!! "Na watch us get the 'duck liberation and duckish rights movement' protesting abart this......" Says the scruffy stranger in the corner. Micca seems to have been downing the ciders tonight and decides it's about time he gave us all a song. He stands on the chair and starts. At first he starts and almost everyone looks up because the song seems to be a serious one......then.......Micca turns it into a parody!!!!!......People give a sigh of relief just to know that he is not ill! The Tavern has celebrated Noreen's birthday and now it seems we have something else to celebrate. We all raise our glasses and toast Max on the impending new arrival to his household.....we keep the champagne on ice to wet the baby's head when it arrives....the new mudkitten..... |