BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: artbrooks
Date: 10 Dec 02 - 03:03 PM

The little man in the corner finishes his rendition of "Oh Holy Night" on the air bodhran and looks around. It appears that a lot has been going on while he has been concentrating. There aren't any more vile screeches coming out of the ladies can, so it looks like somebody finally got that noisy broad out...and who is that charming waif playing the fiddle?

He wanders over to the bar, wondering what happened to the topless barmaid that supposedly got hired, and asks for a can of Old Frothingslosh, the pale stale ale with the foam on the bottom. The bartender says "I thought I'd heard of everything, but that's a new one on me." "How about a Mackesons, then?" he says. "Excellent choice," the bartender replies. "I can tell that you're not taken in by the ads for that nasty black crap from New Jersey, that claims to be from Ireland."

He takes his pint and goes to look at the tree. "Appears a little bare yet" he says, taking a bright yellow nose flute out of his Levis pocket and hanging it on a low branch. The contented little cat looks up from her peacock liver pate' and starts it swinging with a bat from one paw.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 10 Dec 02 - 03:19 PM

Who you calling a noisy broad...? Let me tie you to a stall in the ladies and see how YOU like staring at arses all month..

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Sorcha
Date: 10 Dec 02 - 03:28 PM

Oh, they are decorating a tree! Let me see here (digging through Maggies belongings.....) AHA! Just the thing, a tiny little leather mouse, oh, I still have 2 of them. Great! One for the tree and one for the kitty!

I think I am starting to thaw, but not to the point of Blackberry Jam. Looks like these good folk need a rousing round of Whiskey Before Breakfast...............

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Dead Horse
Date: 10 Dec 02 - 03:34 PM

"Yeah, that tree could do with some tartin' up" (brings forth plastic inflateable sheep from under his sou'wester) "Somebody hang this critter on the topmost twig, I rescued the varmint from the last orgy, figured it would come in usefull"

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: artbrooks
Date: 10 Dec 02 - 03:39 PM

Bare-chested man in a MacGregor kilt bursts in and looks around. Spying the tree, he says "Annie, me luv!" and grabs the inflatable sheep. Clutching it protectively, he runs back out into the night.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Amos
Date: 10 Dec 02 - 03:50 PM

Love is a star that will not shine
Til the hour of your return.
And I count the days in cups of wine,
And the candles I have burned...."

The stranger plucks the Dreadnought's baritone range and sings quietly across the evening chatter, noticing, across the frosted parking lot and past the shadowed branches of the guarding tree beyond, the faint glimmer of a rising star penetrating the long dark and frozen night without.


He winks at the Fiddler and her precious sweet instrument across the floort, and they break into the "Florida Blues" at an outrageous clip, just as though it was planned... .

The Capuccin wakes up from the hearth corner, and sopmewhat sleepily seeks the coat-tails of his companion's jacket, and makes his way up to his favorite shoulder, where he crouches smilling quietly at the noise and motion around, and sways and waves in time to the blood-warming rhythms, as the long evening gallops on into the unknown.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 10 Dec 02 - 04:05 PM

Hey, I found this battered old silver thing, looks a bit like it was once a flute... though I don't remember a flute with 5 ends..... if we give it to the monkey, he could maybe put it up on the tree, like a star...

It would sure give Morticia a break, I don't think she's very comfortable up there with that branch up her .. erm.... leg.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: mytoycar
Date: 10 Dec 02 - 04:13 PM

i can table dance if you want me to

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: MMario
Date: 10 Dec 02 - 04:15 PM

Whiskey anytime!

oh - she meant the song. I'm sorry.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Amos
Date: 10 Dec 02 - 04:18 PM

Mytoycar -- go for it!!!

Ragtime tunes coming up!!

"...He treat me low down an' dirty,
He boun' to reap jes' what he done sowed..."

A

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: MMario
Date: 10 Dec 02 - 04:26 PM

now where was she at Joe's Bachelor party?

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Sorcha
Date: 10 Dec 02 - 04:44 PM

Ragtime? As in Scott Joplin???? Nah, let's do Frankie and Johnnie......in D, as you go..........

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: artbrooks
Date: 10 Dec 02 - 04:48 PM

The drunk lifts his head up from the puddle of spilled Guiness..."Watch out, Mario," he says. Don't ya know jail bait when ya see it?" His head falls back down again.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Amos
Date: 10 Dec 02 - 05:49 PM

..but it is too late, and the comely lass is soon sending empty beer bottles in every direction, whirling and tapping, her skirt swinging just high enough as she steps to leave MMario's jaw near the floor and his eyes looking like Auroch Saucers, fixed on the occasional glimpse of bloomers in the swirling rhythm. And the wild fiddle and guitar combo in the background swiongs from "Frankie" into "Uncle Joe, Uncle Joe", which heats the room up even more and starts a rich wafting atmosphere of whiskey, sweat, Guiness, jello and raw pheremones breezing from table to table and accelerating the rich spirit of the evening.

A

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Sorcha
Date: 10 Dec 02 - 05:53 PM

Whooosh, from fozen to fast, in a mudcat mini! Time to slow down a bit, I think. Fiddle solo coming up, the lovely Southwind.......just listen and catch your breath. Any new goodies on the tree?

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: JenEllen
Date: 10 Dec 02 - 05:58 PM

Not on the tree...but I did spend the afternoon making wreaths from the cut-off boughs of my charliebrown Christmas tree. You can hang one of them on the door!

I second the 'Where was she at the bachelor party'! It was mighty cramped in that cake, a toycar woulda fit a lot better in there!

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Morticia
Date: 10 Dec 02 - 06:01 PM

You know, this is the second year I've spent stuck up a tree, takes me months to get the pine needles out of me drawers and I can't reach the bar....oh,that was the general idea? I see.

This is blatant size-ism, and even if I AM the shortest adult member of Mudcat, it's still not fair....what about Dave the Gnome? Bet he'd look lovely up here, and the view is good, specially of the jello pit.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Amos
Date: 10 Dec 02 - 06:05 PM

...The Cappucin, sensing a tremor of distress in the ethereal vibes to which his kind are sensitive, looks up the tree and sees the wee Morticia stuck from a branch, pine needles drifitng into sensitive places...and in a burst of trans-species generosity, he leaps up the limbs and assists her off her perch, helping her gently to the floor, from which she makes a slightly dizzy path to the bar, seeking remedial tonics of various colors and names....

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Catherine Jayne
Date: 10 Dec 02 - 06:16 PM

Well there we are, Me , Noreen, Liz and Morticia propping up the bar and waiting for the evenings entertainment to begin after the place has been fumigated after 'spaw entered, farted and left when Oakley and Skipjack enter and begin dancing.....exotic dancing and removing their clothing in a ....well....you are all there!!.....Interesting eveing entertainment and not bad to watch either!!!.....

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: MMario
Date: 10 Dec 02 - 06:20 PM

Has anyone seen my copy of 'Preparing the Obscure Wild Game for the Holidays'

It's about the size of an unabridged OED - leather bound with a wild Wassail embossed on the front cover. I need to check the seasoning for Hogmanny roast.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: GUEST
Date: 10 Dec 02 - 06:32 PM

A dark eyed stranger, walks in, closing the door with a thud. People glance up, but as he simply orders a beer and stands in a corner, he is soon forgotten.

He dooes however notice catsPHiddle, notes how attractive she is, and wonders how he might get to talk with her.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: MMario
Date: 10 Dec 02 - 06:35 PM

who's the guy in the corner doing the wooden indian imitation? Somebody warn him he's standing in front of the dart board, would you? He might take it wrong if someone starts up a game, especially with the new rocket propelled darts.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: GUEST
Date: 10 Dec 02 - 06:42 PM

Piss off, Leo

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: artbrooks
Date: 10 Dec 02 - 06:47 PM

Leonetta the stray cat looks over at the guy in the corner...thinks about it a little bit, and decides it really isn't worth getting up for. She reaches out and bats the leather mouse around for a while...that wildebeest on the barbie is REALLY starting to smell good...

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: SINSULL
Date: 10 Dec 02 - 07:27 PM

SINSULL sighs in relief to find the Ladies Room finally available. She makes her way to the nearest stall and emerges several minutes later totally confused. "Is the way out?" she asks while several young punks snicker at her apparent inebriation. The sad truth is she is simply lost.
Morticia, sensing that SINS has once again confused north with south and east with west, gently steers her to the bar and another JD. "Damn maps are never done to scale. And the sun has set. How the hell am I supposed to find my way out? No wonder it took the Wise Men years to find Bethlehem. Probably used a AAA map." As she grumbles on, Morticia makes a hasty retreat to join more pleasant company.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: My guru always said
Date: 10 Dec 02 - 07:27 PM

'Oh, so it's a Wildebeast now, eh? Still smells like roasting meat to me... wonder how much longer it's got to go? Why spoil a good roast with garlic? It's a vegetable isn't it? The hor's d'euvrs (??) were excellent though, & Baileys, well, a cat could get used to that stuff. Any more there LTS? Just pass it along under the table, there's a good lass.'

The leather mouse makes a desperate bit for freedom, but she's onto it in a flash, throwing it into the air, catching it, throwing it again and.... Oops, she's out in the open & there's all these people around. Freezing into place, she calmly sits & starts to wash her whiskers - she wasn't playing at all, doesn't do that sort of thing of course.

'Now where's that lovely Fairy gone from the top of the tree? Perhaps her magic wand could make me understand these humans... Naah, probably not. They sure are good with their fingers making all that music from all those instruments! Us cats have only got our voices & humans only understand the purring bit.....'

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Dead Horse
Date: 10 Dec 02 - 08:13 PM

The old sea-dog eyes the top of the now empty tree, and remembering days long passed, starts climbing. Reaching the top, he settles down to act as look-out.
From within the voluminous folds of his old sou'wester he drags out an ancient weather-beaten chinese imitation cajun kazoo, and begins playing Jolie Blonde as the tears roll down his cheeks.
"Oh! Oh! Ma jolie blonde
Oh! Oh! Oh! T'es p'tite fille
Jolie blonde, si jolie
Oh! T'es magnifique
Tu m'as quitté, pour t'en aller
Mais quel espoir me va moé avoir de ramener?"
Seeing the strange blue sky with the words *Translate Page From English to French* he turns and spits to leeward.
"Can't translate shit" he says, then plays a more cheerfull song.
Old Stormy, he is dead an' gone, timme way, ye Stormalong
Old Stormy he is dead an' gone, Aye, aye, aye, Mr Stormalong.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Sorcha
Date: 10 Dec 02 - 08:38 PM

Well, perhaps the leather mouse was just a bit tacky. I am sure the Tavern Mog would prefer one made of real rabbit fur, with a squeaky inside. Here ya go, mog doll. This one should keep you happy for a while.

Exhausted, frostbitten frozen fiddler sneaks off to find recliner with a sugar dog in it.........scooch over, there, sugar dog, I am a tired frozen fiddler. Ahhhhh, that's better. snooze, snooze, SNORE! SNORE!! (yes, this tiny elfin frozen fidder snores............)

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 10 Dec 02 - 09:30 PM

Shambling oddbod in a bright chartreuse blouson and puce trousers charges in through the door. Hi tie catches on the hinge and he is catapulted back into the street!
There ensues a crashing noise as he skittles the garbage cans, followed by a short siren blast, as the cop car careers sideways into the trash!

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: GUEST,Yorkshire Tony who's lost his cookie
Date: 11 Dec 02 - 01:06 AM

A door which no one seems to have noticed before opens with a creek and a sunburnt, bearded figure in felt hat, singlet, shorts and thongs (the rubber antipodean variety) enters.

Jeez, what are you lot all rugged up for? You could fry an egg on the pavement out there and we haven't seen a drop of rain in three months. Someone give me a cold beer for Christ's sake.

His aged tortoiseshell cat follows more demurely lured on by the aroma of cream and roasting aurochs. She sees the other moggy by the fire and wanders over to say hello, and is there any Baileys left?

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: mg
Date: 11 Dec 02 - 01:18 AM

and then, from outside, the most ragged bunch of glue-sniffing, malnourished, parasite-ridden children of the streets, singing in perfect harmony, "It came upon a midnight clear.."

and one slips to the door..please miss, we're hungry...

mg

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Dead Horse
Date: 11 Dec 02 - 10:39 AM

The figure atop the tree pulls a cutlass from under his sou'wester. "Do I hear Carol Singers?" he shouts. "Stand by to repel boarders"

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: My guru always said
Date: 11 Dec 02 - 10:41 AM

Nose to nose & rear to rear the tabby & tortoiseshell greet each other as old friends do.

'Hey, 'Sand-Camoflaged-Lizard-Strike' (Camo for short), good to see you, you oull bugger. Just waiting to see if these folks get the idea to top up the Baileys bowl. Might have to nudge them a bit, but I have a cunning plan...'

'How's the aurochs getting along? Sure smelling tasty - roast or sausage? Don't tell me they put garlic all over it? We'll need to hold our noses, but it'll be worth it I suppose' replied Camo, settling in for a long wait.

Silently they both analysed the contents of the leather mouse which had come undone at the seams. Then studied the rabbit fur toy.

'I bet it squeaks' Camo declared, and dozed off in the warmth from the nearby fire.

Leonetta the nameless Tabby sidled up to the bar, leapt & tentatively sniffed at the puddle of Guiness which just happened to be pillowing the Drunk's head.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: MMario
Date: 11 Dec 02 - 11:02 AM

Okay! It's amazing how many roasts you can cook when you use an entire ROOM as an oven!!!!! The first of the sausages are ready - plus a nice juicy rare aurochs roast. It be about half an hour for medium roast...

*puts out a platter of garlic sausages, another of rare aurochs slices; a mound of coriander scented sausages, a platter of rosemary and mustard seasoned links.*

dipping sauces are lined up on the mantlepiece - and watch it, the habenero mustard is a little spicy.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 11 Dec 02 - 11:06 AM

In spite of the Captain Ahab look-alike on top of the tree who is still brandishing his cutlass and making incoherent threats the carol singing children enter to the bar and are provided with stew consisting mainly of the dead cat that the old man in the corner brought in.

Meanwhile the dark-eyed stranger has come to a decision, and climbing on the bar, manages to whisper something into catPHiddle's ear.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: MMario
Date: 11 Dec 02 - 11:09 AM

oh! *plops a large platter on bar. It contains a vagualy birdlike roasted object - looking like a gigantic turkey with legs proportioned almost like a grasshoppers - and a long, long neck* Try the velociraptor - tastes like chicken - sorta.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Amos
Date: 11 Dec 02 - 11:18 AM

SOmeone opens the door and summons in the pathetic carolers, who are all under three feet tall with bright red noses and twinkly little eyes. The pathetic expressions they had been trying on for size quickly melt in the warm room as all eight of them come trooping in and notice MMario's gigantic sausage ... make that, platter of sausages with garlic standing on the buffet table by the fireplace. THey come scrambling up to form a food-line, pushing for place and bumping their heads against the edge of the table in their anxiety to get full rashers.

"Move over, you son of a Gillikin!! I was here first!!"

"Oh, you were not! just because you used to be the Mayor, you give yourself such airs."

"Oh, airs, is it then? Talk like such a yellow-blood just because you think the Lollipop League was such hot stuff. I oughta feed you to the witch!"

"I'll stuff you under an old house, you bag of wind!"

Others among the miniscule league start to join in the squabble, but Morticia intervenes.

"Now, cousins...I am sure there's more than enough for all your wee little bellies! Be nice, it's Christmas."

The leader of the wee gang puts down a large yellow brick with which he was about to assert his alpha status and looks up at the nice smile coming his way from Morty.

"Hey, there sweet heart!! You sure are tall!! Where'd you come from?? You look a little like my old buddy Glinda the Good! COme over here and tell me all about yourself!!"

The two of them carry heaped platters and tall mugs of brown ale to a small table on the opposite side of the room, and are soon immersed in deep conversation which shall go unreported....

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 11 Dec 02 - 11:44 AM

There is a clatter of hooves outside the door and an old horse trots into the bar. Written on a halter around it's neck is the incription "PUNCH - if found - please return to Humberside, England".
MMario the Chef rushes into the bar and drags it off saying "Just what I need for my spice and herb Spit-Roast".

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: GUEST,Sarah
Date: 11 Dec 02 - 11:50 AM

Someone in Hull dials 999!

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Kim C
Date: 11 Dec 02 - 11:59 AM

Suddenly, in runs the belly dancer, in a red outfit trimmed with white marabou, laden with little tinkling bells, dancing to Bruce Cockburn's version of Angels We Have Heard on High.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Amos
Date: 11 Dec 02 - 11:59 AM

The wrinkle faced balding Chief Munchkin, well into his third pint, is tearfully relating the story of his brother-in-law's third cousin once removed, except that he can't quite articulate the relationship clearly for some reason.

"Annywye, I loiked 'im, I did!! (sniff!) And when they tole me he'd ended up hanging up there in that tree, it nearly broke my 'eart!! We tried to arrange for some studio hands wiv a ladder tuh git him down, like, but the Goldwyn Meyer finks wouldn't allow it!! I tell yer, I was 'eartbroke."

"Aw, sweetie," Morty chirps, "I know eggzackly how you feels!"

THey hold hands over their empty platters and gaze tearfully into each other's eyes.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: MMario
Date: 11 Dec 02 - 12:04 PM

*puts the horse out to pasture behind the Tavern - using the Southern Hemisphere door. *

didn't mean to scare you. I only meant you'd be good to TURN the spit...won't need you for a bit anyway.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Matt_R
Date: 11 Dec 02 - 12:38 PM

*kicks amp*

*rips into Vince Guaraldi's "Christmastime is Here" with heavy distortion like Steve Vai does...

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 11 Dec 02 - 12:43 PM

Nobody has noticed that I am still here in my corner of the bar sipping on Cuervo but I see the party is raging all around me, so I reach into my bag of tricks and pull out my A, I start playing a long, slow rendition of Come into my Kitchen, I'm making up the words as I go-
I'm at the mudcat tavern, it's quite a scene.
You can shake your monkey,
if you know what I mean.
oh won't you come, into MMario's kitchen
because it's going to be snowing outdoors.

Well there's plenty to drink
and plenty to eat
MMario cookin' up, big ol' hunks of meat.
Oh- won't you come on, into MMario's kitchen
because it's going to be snowing outdoors.

Well I'm havin' a good time,
and the music is fine.
Everybody off there feet,
just a' shakin' their behinds
Oh, won't you come into MMario's kitchen,
Because it's going to be snowing outdoors.


MMario shoots a glance at me, and I read it like, "hey I don't want anyone in my kitchen, here eat a sausage" I put down my harp.

There was something else I had to do anyway, so I reach into my bag of tricks and find the video of "The Wizard of Oz" and and an old copy of "Through The Looking Glass" and I go over and put it under the tree.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Catherine Jayne
Date: 11 Dec 02 - 12:44 PM

Dark-eyed stranger asks leans over and asks me what I would like to drink... Deciding not to mix my drinks I order a Baileys on ice making sure that Morty, Noreen and Liz get a top up too........

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Kim C
Date: 11 Dec 02 - 12:45 PM

(Matt! Where you been?!!!?)

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: My guru always said
Date: 11 Dec 02 - 01:08 PM

For the second time that day the Tabby is in exactly the right place at the right time - is that lucky or what? She wonders if the Lady with the strange & mysterious powers has had anything to do with it??

Then looking around & with a determined sort of cross-eyed grin on her face, hauls the Velociraptor off the bar & legs it under the tree. She & Camo waste no time in looking at the big bird.

The bloke in the corner drinking the Cuervo does a double-take as he realises that his dinner has just disappeared. 'Shoulda bin quicker puttin them pressies under the tree' thinks he....

Burping is heard from the lower branches of the tree & the yellow nose-flute is rocking away next to the antique gold glass ball. The swarthy old Seadog looks around curiously. The Fiddler has woken up & she & the Silvertone launch into another tune....

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Amos
Date: 11 Dec 02 - 01:41 PM

...and the chorus chimes in to rollicking bluegrass rhythms:

CHicken in the breadpan,
Kickin' up dough!
Granny will your dog bite?
No, chile, no!...


Laughter resounds until the timbers shake....

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: MMario
Date: 11 Dec 02 - 01:47 PM

Some come to work, while others do play...
some come to drown their sorrows away

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Catherine Jayne
Date: 11 Dec 02 - 01:52 PM

In the far corner over by the gambling machines, Geoff the Duck prepares for the second half of this evenings entertainment in which the star of the show is himself. Geoff strips down to a leopard print thong and spends a long while chosing his drinking straw and using magic extends it between floor and ceiling. After that he carefully places the buckets of custard. Yes Geoff the Duck is going to perform his party trick as the finale to this evening entertainment......JUGGLING CUSTARD WHILE POLE DANCING!!!!!!