BS: Joke thread for 2024

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 22 Apr 24 - 02:13 PM

Now Dave Allen mentioned above made some great sketches...but for me...none better than this one about the End of the World..
https://youtu.be/VjuROfmNDGQ?si=dcVfa4ju1WF2twom

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 22 Apr 24 - 02:19 PM

Oops! I'm not supposed to be taking part in this thread anymore, am I? That didn't last long.

Dave Allen was one of my favourite comedians, especially when talking about religion.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 Apr 24 - 03:01 PM

Goodnight and may your god go with you :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Raggytash
Date: 23 Apr 24 - 09:50 AM

I wanted to post a joke about sodium but then I thought Na people won't understand it.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 25 Apr 24 - 11:35 AM

Patient (to his doctor during a prostate exam): How's it look back there, Doc?

Doctor: Well, you seem to have a lettuce leaf protruding from your posterior.

Patient: Is that serious?

Doctor: It's just the tip of the iceberg.


Possible Trump slogan for 2024:

MAGA- Make America Gag Again

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: BobL
Date: 26 Apr 24 - 03:07 AM

Make America Grate Again

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 26 Apr 24 - 10:23 AM

Going for the treble...

I told my mate that I have a pet termite called Clint.

"That's a strange name for a termite," he said. "How come?"

"His full name is Clint Eatswood..."

And a literal sick joke:

Two piles of vomit were walking down the road when one of them burst into tears.

"What's the matter?" asked his mate.

"You see that derelict old pub across the road? That's where I was brought up..."

And finally:

I asked the counter clerk at the motel if I could have porn disabled in my room.

"Certainly not! We only do normal porn here, you sick bastard!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 28 Apr 24 - 09:29 AM

Bloke calls round on his best mate, to find him in a state of doom and gloom.

"Hey, what's up, mate?"

"The missus told me she was going to the shop for a pint of milk. Ten minutes later she sent me a text saying she'd been having an affair and was never coming back!"

"Jaysus, mate, that's terrible! How are you going to cope!"

"I'm just going to have to use the powdered stuff..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 29 Apr 24 - 05:32 AM

A young lady had started working at a pharmacy and, after the first month, was given a performance review. Her boss was very happy with her work in general but was particularly impressed with the high turnover of condoms she had achieved, compared to the other employees. He asked her the secret of her success.

"They come in packs of 3, 12 or 60" she explained. "If someone comes in for condoms, I ask them if they want small, medium or large and they always say large so I sell them a pack of 60".

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 29 Apr 24 - 10:18 AM

Thanks for the reminder, Doug .... of a problem I remember NASA having with the devices fitted to each astronaut's penis for purposes of urination, which for tolerably obvious reasons had to be a tight, but not over-tight, fit. These devices were produced in Small, Medium and Large sizes; to save the astronauts' blushes, they were relabelled (respectively) Large, Extra-Large and Enormous.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 29 Apr 24 - 10:34 AM

Reminds me of the fellow who went to a bar and beheld the loveliest woman he'd ever seen serving him drinks. He tried every pickup line he could think of to entice her to go out with him and the comely barmaid ignored every one of them. Finally, in desperation, he dropped trou and said "What do you think of that?" to which she replied "That looks like a penis, only smaller."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 29 Apr 24 - 11:44 AM

Bloke asks his mate for advice on how to chat to the ladies

"Just see a girl you like, wait for the right opportunity, say hello, compliment her on something and then just chat to her normally. Easy."

OK, the lad thinks and the next day he sees a young woman he really likes coming out of the bathroom.

"Hello", he says to her

"Hi" she replies

"That is a really pretty dress you are wearing"

"Oh, thank you"

"Been for a shit then?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 29 Apr 24 - 12:59 PM

When Viagra first hit the market, I decided to find out if it would be good for me. I went to the pharmacist, a lovely blndee lady who told me all I needed to know about it.......I asked her 'Can I get it over the counter'? She replied 'You might if you take two'

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Apr 24 - 08:06 PM

The psychic contortionist saw her own end.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 01 May 24 - 05:54 AM

Psychic conference cancelled due to unforseen circumstances...

The teacher was telling her class about Jesus. She went round the room and asked her charges where they thought Jesus was today.

Little Mary said, "He's in my heart."

Little Peter said, "He's in heaven."

Little Billy said, "He's in our bathroom."

"In your bathroom? Good heavens, Billy, what makes you think that Jesus is in your bathroom?"

"Well, Miss, every morning when my dad gets up he bangs on the bathroom door and shouts 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 01 May 24 - 02:06 PM

Polestar has developed a completely computerized car from its design manufacture and operation. They just can't seem to install Windows.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 02 May 24 - 08:36 AM

The purpose of a joke is not to make you funny but to make other people laugh. I think I have spotted where you are going wrong, Don. You are trying to be funny rather than trying to make people laugh. Eventually you may catch on but I doubt it.

Who wrote the joke is irrelevent. It is whether others find the joke itself is funny is what matters. And, to a certain extent, the telling of it.

I say, I say, I say. What make good comedy?

I don't know wha..

Timing!

A priest, a rabbit and an imam walked into a bar. The barman asked the rabbit what he wanted to drink. "Dunno," came the reply. "I'm only here because of autocorrect..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 02 May 24 - 08:48 AM

To me this thread is simply a place to exchange jokes and give others a laugh. The origin of those jokes is of no matter but if you're going to post an original make damn sure it's funny. No points for originality, something is either funny or it ain't so maybe you ought give your efforts a few read overs before you hit the submit button, Don.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 02 May 24 - 11:05 AM

Spot on gillymor.

When you think about it, all jokes are just variations on a few themes anyway. The setting or telling may be original but I doubt if the underlying theme is. Most people still find them funny even if they know what is coming. Don is the exception of course.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Bill D
Date: 02 May 24 - 06:12 PM

Another condom joke...

A condom manufacturer in Texas gets an order from Alaska soon after it became a state. They requested gross of condoms at least 9" long.
The president of the company was asked what to do.
"Fill it," he said, "but mark it 'medium'."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 02 May 24 - 06:23 PM

2 punk rockers making love to music

"Is that Johnny Rotten?"

"I hope not, I've only used it 5 times...^

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 03 May 24 - 02:04 PM

Three nuns are out for a walk and the first nun says, “You won't believe this but I found a copy of Playboy in the priest’s room?”

“What did you do with it?” asks the second nun.

“I tore it up, of course.”

“That’s nothing,” says the second nun. “I found condoms in his room.”

“What did you do with them?" asks the first nun.

The second nun responds, "I poked holes in all of them."

“Oh f*ck,” says the third nun.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 04 May 24 - 07:05 AM

When I was very young I told people I wanted to be a comedian....they all laughed at me.. WELL I AM ONE and they're not laughing now!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 05 May 24 - 07:09 AM

A little lad came home from his fishing trip.

He says to his Mum, "Look, Mum, I've got some dam fish!"

His mother says, "Don't you talk like that please! That's not very nice!"

The little boy says, "But Mum, I call them the dam fish because I caught them when I was fishing near the dam!"

"In that case," she says, "I'll cook them and we'll have them for tea."

So at teatime the family are all sitting around the table and Dad says to the lad, "Please pass the dam fish, m'boy."

The lad says, "Sure, here you are, Dad. Now please pass me the fucking potatoes..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 06 May 24 - 05:52 AM

A cowboy, a stranger in town, strode into the saloon and ordered a beer. But the locals had a habit of always playing tricks on strangers, and when he eventually went to leave his horse had disappeared.

He strode back into the saloon, ordered another beer then took the gun from his holster and shot a hole in the ceiling. "OK," he shouted threateningly, "This happened in Texas too, and unless ma hoss is back out there by the time I finish this beer I'm a-gonna do what I done in Texas, and I really don't wanna be doing what I done in Texas..."

The terrified locals scurried out and quickly replaced his horse. As he left the saloon, the trembling bartender followed him out and asked him what he'd done in Texas.

"I walked home..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 06 May 24 - 09:20 AM

Early bird gets the worm, ......


It's the early worm that gets caught.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Ernest
Date: 07 May 24 - 09:59 AM

Early bird gets the worm - but the second mouse gets the cheese...
(heard from Ben Sands)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 07 May 24 - 10:22 AM

An old tongue twister-

Repeat 3 times: “I’m not a pheasant plucker, I’m a pheasant plucker’s son, and I’m only plucking pheasants till the pheasant plucker comes”.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 07 May 24 - 11:43 AM

When i were a lad, it was "The early worm gets the bird", together with a cartoon of a bird's head being pulled into a wormhole.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 08 May 24 - 06:29 AM

Three dogs are sitting in the vet's waiting room.

The dogs ask each other what they're in for.

The first dog says, "I just can't help myself regarding the postman. I got so angry the other day that I bit him. Now I'm being put to sleep."

The second dog says, "Well I bark a lot. I know I'm not supposed to bark all night, but I just can't help myself. So I'm being put to sleep too."

The first two look at the third dog for his story.

"Well, my owner likes to do her housework in the nude," he said. "Yesterday, she bent over to hoover under the settee. I couldn't help myself: I jumped on her from behind and had the best ten minutes of my life!"

The other two dogs looked at him compassionately. "So you're being put to sleep too?"

"What? No, I'm here to have my nails clipped!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 08 May 24 - 02:08 PM

A Trump supporter dies & goes to heaven (use your imagination) and encounters the Almighty.

God: You lived a good enough life so I will grant you a completely honest answer to any question you have.

Trumpista: Who really won the 2020 election?

God: Biden, in a fair election.

Trumpista: The Deep State conspiracy goes even higher than I thought.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 10 May 24 - 06:21 AM

These two blokes were sitting on the beach. One of them moaned to the other, "How come you always get a nice girl? I can never get a girl myself at all!"

His friend replied, "Well, I'll give you a tip. Get a potato and put it down your swimming trunks and just you wait. The girls will be swarming all over you in no time."

A few hours later the bloke came back to his friend and said, "Well that didn't work - in fact people just seemed to laugh at me!"

His friend looked at him and said, "You're supposed to put the potato down the FRONT of your trunks, you idiot!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 11 May 24 - 12:10 PM

An airline introduced a special half-fare offer for wives accompanying there husbands on business trips. Expecting some useful testimonials, the airline wrote to all the wives of the businessmen who had taken up the offer, asking how they enjoyed the trip.

Replies are still pouring in asking "What trip?".

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 13 May 24 - 10:54 AM

Family expressions: "bribe", meaning biscuit, dates back to when Sir was at the learning-to-speak toddler stage; he's always been chronically noisy.* Once when it was getting especially wearing, I was standing in the kitchen, so I reached into the biscuit barrel, drew out a biscuit, and waggled it in front of him, saying: "Can I bribe you to silence?" He solemnly accepted the biscuit, and all was peace for a while.

A day or two later, it was reported that he'd run into the kitchen, pointed at the biscuit barrel, and said "Wants bribe! Wants bribe!"

* He still is (when he isn't sulking), and he's taller than me now.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 14 May 24 - 05:04 PM

A guy walked into a book store and asked the clerk, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"

The clerk angrily said, "Fuck off, get out and stay out!"

I said, "Yes! That's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Joe_F
Date: 17 May 24 - 06:28 PM

What's the difference between a rich Scotsman, a puir Scotsman, and a deid Scotsman?
A rich Scotsman has a canopy over his bed. A puir Scotsman has a can o' pee under his bed. A deid Scotsman canna pee at a'.
(Heard in Scotland in 1959. It must be pretty old.)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 18 May 24 - 08:21 AM

A bloke was on his own and well pissed in the pub, but quiet enough for the landlord to ignore him.

Suddenly he calls to the landlord, "Hey, guv, if I can score a bull on your dartboard with just one dart from this seat, will you give me something?"

Well the dartboard was at least thirty feet from the drunk guy's table so the landlord thought well what the hell, I'll humour the daft bugger, so he gave him a dart.   

The bloke swayed around in his seat and chucked the dart aimlessly across the room. But guess what: bullseye!

Well the landlord was nonplussed. He struggled to find something he could give the chap. All he could think of was the tortoise he'd bought earlier that day for his young nephew. So that's what he handed over, still in its box.

A week later the chap was back in the pub, well oiled, sitting in the same seat. He sez to the landlord, "Hey, mate, same again? One dart from here, bullseye, you give me something?"

The landlord thought to himself that there was no way the bloke could repeat that freakish stunt, so he handed the chap a dart. But the feller swayed around, almost falling on the floor, and chucked the dart skyward. But whaddya know: bullseye again!

"OK, give me something," he said to the landlord. "But no food this time, pal. That pie you gave me last week had a stale crust"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 21 May 24 - 09:25 AM

The landlord of a pub had a dog that was well known to all the regulars. One night, as he was ejecting the last, reluctant drinker, he slammed the door on the dog’s tail, chopping it clean off. This caused much comment among the regular customers, and the tail was fixed above the bar for all to see.

Some years later, the dog peacefully passed away in his sleep. He floated up to Doggy Heaven and barked at the pearly gates. St Bernard came to let him in, but noticed his lack of a tail. Rex explained that he'd lost it, but St Bernard said that they only let whole dogs in, so he would have to go back and fetch it.

He floated down to earth again, and got into the pub through the scullery window as usual. He tried to reach the tail over the bar, but couldn't manage it. There was only one thing for it - he would have to get the boss up. He barked until his owner came downstairs in his nightshirt. The landlord was surprised to see his deceased pet sitting there but realised what he was after when he saw him whimpering and looking up at the tail.   He shook his head sadly and said "Well, I'm sorry Rex, but you know the rules - I can’t retail spirits after hours."

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 May 24 - 07:31 AM

Two wives went on a girlie night out. By the end of the evening they were both well oiled to say the least.

On the way home they were both busting for a wee. They sneaked into a graveyard and relieved themselves. But they had nowt to, er, wipe up with. One decided to use her knickers. The other looked around and spotted a wreath on a grave that had a bit of ribbon attached, so that's what she used.

Next morning one of the husbands rang the other and said, "Not sure the girls should be doing that again. My missus arrived home with no knickers on!"

The other bloke said, "you should worry, mate. My missus came home with a card stuck on her bum that said 'From everyone in the fire brigade. We'll never forget you."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 22 May 24 - 11:16 AM

Stolen from the internet:-


A man received the following text from his neighbour:
I am SO sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn auto-correct. I meant "wifi", not "wife".


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 24 May 24 - 09:00 AM

My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales while sucking in my stomach. "Ha!" she said, "That isn't going to help you!"

"Don't be silly, of course it will!" I replied, "It's the only way I can see the numbers!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 24 May 24 - 12:43 PM

When my ex accused me of behaving like a flamingo...I really put my foot down.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Sol
Date: 27 May 24 - 10:11 AM

Found this one on the web.....

I was going to write a song about plagiarism but then I thought, I'll wait till somebody else does and copy it.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Justa Picker
Date: 01 Jun 24 - 05:01 PM

2 rednecks, sitting in lawn chairs on a hot summer night, are knocking back beers. It's a very clear night and the stars are on full display. One of them is starring at the sky. After a minute, he turns to his buddy and wistfully asks: "So what do you think's farther? Florida ... or the moon?" His friend laughs and says "you're a frickin' idiot! Can you SEE Florida!!??"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 02 Jun 24 - 07:41 AM

An American woman gets a job as a PE teacher of 14-year-olds in a school in England. On her first day, she comes to watch the kids playing football. She watches as they all get together and start playing. However, she quickly notices a boy at the end of the field standing all alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

"You ok?" she says kindly.

"Yes," he says.

"You can go and play with the other kids, you know." she says encouragingly.

"It’s best I stay here," he says.

"Why’s that, dear?" asks the teacher.

The boy gives her a weird look and says, “Because I’m the goalie.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 04 Jun 24 - 12:43 PM

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load.

Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.
??

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 05 Jun 24 - 07:26 AM

I used to work for Rogets' Thesaurus but I got sacked, fired, booted, ejected, kicked, let go.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 05 Jun 24 - 11:26 AM

An old bloke gets pulled over doing 100 in a 50 mile an hour zone. The cop says “Licence and registration please.”

The bloke says, “I don't have a licence. They wouldn't give me one because I'm blind. And I don't have the registration because I stole the car.”

“Stole the car!” the cop exclaims. “Who's the owner?”

“I don't know. I forgot to ask him his name before I killed him.”

“You killed him?”

“Yeah, the body's in the boot.”

At this point the cop calls for backup. Three police cars arrive along with the chief inspector. “Can I see your licence and registration please?”

The old guy says, “Certainly, officer,” and hands them over.

“Could you open the boot?”

“Of course.” The guy pops the boot open, and it's empty except for a spare tyre.

The inspector says, “My officer told me you were blind, had no licence or registration, and had killed the previous owner and thrown him in the boot!"

The old guy laughs and says, “Oh yeah? I bet he told you I was speeding too!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 06 Jun 24 - 02:25 PM

Now we are getting self drive vehicles, how long will it be before we get a country song about a guy's truck leaving him?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 06 Jun 24 - 03:01 PM

Referencing the old joke, all he'll have to do to get his truck back is to play the song in reverse.