BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo

Subject: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: GUEST,Big Looey (North Side Gorillas)
Date: 11 Oct 11 - 01:59 AM

Okay, let's make one thing clear from the getgo. I hate Chongo Chimp to the marrow of his bones. I loathe and despise that stinkin' little chimp gumshoe bastard and I have wanted to see him dead and in the ground for about as long as I can remember. If I had my hands around his scrawny neck right now....oh, wouldn't that be sweet!

But there's a problem here. We got a presidential election comin' up soon, right? In 2012. Can I stomach votin' for a Republican or a Democrat for president after what I've seen in this land for the last 30 or 40 years?

Hell, no! The Democrats always talk nice to get some primate votes, but when it comes to actually doin' anything to improve working conditions for apes and monkeys in this society and advancin' the Primate cause toward full equality with humans....they've done nothin'! Zip! Matter of fact, they've backslid. Obama has not appointed one single gorilla to his cabinet, no chimps, and no orangutans, not even a monkey! This after promisin' to build unity! Ha! Whatta buncha hypocritical crap! The Democrats are specists in sheep's clothing.

And the Republicans???????? Even worse! They make no secret of their open contempt and hatred for primates, accusin' us all of poopflinging and other disgusting practices like that! The famous Republican leader Ronald Reagan showed no respect for his costar Bonzo in "Bedtime for Bonzo", denying him equal billing despite the fact that Bonzo could act the pants off of Reagan anytime he wanted to. Reagan got paid big bucks. Bonzo got paid peanuts. That tells you what was really goin' on...they were just exploitin' Bonzo like he was some kind of slave and usin' him to perpetuate dumb stereotypes about apes. That movie was a travesty, a monument to specism...as was Reagan's whole presidency.

And it's gotten a lot worse since. The biggest betrayal was in the Bush years when Bush was claimed by a lot of people to "look like a chimp". Don't be fooled! That was a crass PR move to try and lure away some primate votes and get them to vote Republican...which is kinda like gettin' a Buffalo to vote for Buffalo Bill or a hooker to vote for Jack the Ripper! Unbelievable. Fortunately, most apes and monkeys saw right through that sorry little gambit. We know the truth. We know that Republicans consider us to be lower than the dirt beneath their feet, and they ain't even ashamed of it...unlike the Democrats, who feel much the same way, but are a little ashamed of it nonetheless.

Anyways, no ape or monkey is ever gonna get help from either one of the Big Two Parties. Not a hope in hell. Sure, they'll give you a free banana to get your vote, the day after they're elected they won't even talk to you no more!

So that leaves only one real choice for primates in 2012. We gotta vote for Chongo. The APP (American Primate Party) is runnin' Chongo Chimp for president in 2012. Chongo IS an ape. He hates specism with a passion. He will fight for the rights of all apes and monkeys. He will challenge the human moronocracy and bring it crashing down! He will arrest the bankers. He will declare corporations NOT to be treated as legal individuals no more, and take on the CEOs. He has the guts and he ain't afraid. I know this, because I have dealt with Chongo across the sights of a gun. I got bullet scars I could show you. He may be a jerk, but he's a tough little jerk that don't back down. We need an ape like that in Washington, not a limp banana like Obama. We need an ape with teeth, fists, and a full clip of ammo at the ready 24 hours a day, and that's Chongo.

Therefore...in the interests of advancin' primate rights and savin' this land, I am puttin' my personal hatred for Chongo aside. I am steppin' up to the plate. I will work for the APP in 2012. I will shake the little bastard's hand and hold his hat. I will serve as one of his bodyguards. I will rip the lungs out of anyone who looks at him sideways. I will see that Chongo Chimp fights and wins the next election, because I care about the future of primates in America!

I got just one question for all youse out there:

WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 11 Oct 11 - 08:44 AM

In UK we already have some primates to vote for:- the BNP (Baboons' National Party)

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: GUEST,Patsy
Date: 11 Oct 11 - 09:02 AM

I totally agree Eliza.

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 11 Oct 11 - 09:19 AM

Thank you Patsy. I should have written "...to NOT vote for..."! But realistically, who could we vote for here? Each Party seems to me to be a shambles of wheeler-dealing, corruption and sleaze. If a General Election came round, I think I'd stay at home. (Which is unusual for me, as I used to feel one should vote, after the Suffragettes got it for us!)

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: Amos
Date: 11 Oct 11 - 10:13 AM

Louie, you'd be better off reforming the gorillas and other simians so they adhere to civilized standards of conduct,

Teach them to run a bank, for example.


A

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Oct 11 - 10:15 AM

Louie, why don't YOU run? You could stomp Chongo flatter'n a Michigan Avenue sewer lid, figuratively AND literally. Besides, a good-lookin' gorilla beats an ugly chimp any day.

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 11 Oct 11 - 01:22 PM

Welcome to the team, Big Looey! And don't think I don't appreciate this kind gesture. Your idealism in extendin' this olive branch after years of us tryin' to kill each other is more than commendable. It's noble. It is a gesture which should move all primates deep in their hearts and get 'em out to vote in 2012. Way to go, Big Looey! Stop by at APP campaign headquarters soon, willya? We need to share a bottle of whisky and talk strategy for gettin' the vote "down outta the trees" (to use an expression) and into the votin' booth. Pay no attention to the specist rants of the dupes of the human Moronocracy, such as we are hearin' from the likes of Rapparee and others above. They are just scared cos they know their time is runnin' out.

- Chongo

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: BTNG
Date: 11 Oct 11 - 01:58 PM

Jane Goodall, Dian Fossey and Birute Galdikas have much to answer for.... ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: gnu
Date: 11 Oct 11 - 02:09 PM

"Moronocracy"... I LOVE IT!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: Bill D
Date: 11 Oct 11 - 02:48 PM

'primate'≠'prime ape'

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: GUEST,Lester Langur
Date: 11 Oct 11 - 03:10 PM

You tell 'em, Chongo! And hooray for Big Looey for joinin' the cause.

Just one thing though, Big Looey...when you said "Obama has not appointed one single gorilla to his cabinet, no chimps, and no orangutans, not even a monkey!"

Waaaaitttt just a doggoned minute here......so, what's this crap about "not even a monkey", huh? What's that s'posedta mean? Huh??? You got somep'n against monkeys? You denigratin' monkeys?

Monkeys are just as important as any ape, and it's time you big galoots took notice of that! We are better climbers and better at gettin' into small places too. So just watch it.

- Lester

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: Amos
Date: 11 Oct 11 - 03:34 PM

You guys need to wise up. Trying to run a non-citizen fer office is about as smart as putting your own turds into the ammo chambers of your Tommy gun. I'm sure it seems like a good idea to youse at da time, but in de long run, see, it's counter-productive.


A

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: Wesley S
Date: 11 Oct 11 - 03:35 PM

I wouldn't mind him so much except for all of the copycat threads he starts.....

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 11 Oct 11 - 04:59 PM

Still spreadin' disinformation for yer Democrat bosses in Washington, Amos? I AM a USA citizen. I was a USA citizen long before you was even born, Roscoe. I was puttin' Capone and his gunsels behind bars when you wasn't even a lascivious gleam in the postman's eye. (And I bet yer "Dad" never even knew, did he?)

- Chongo

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Oct 11 - 07:36 PM

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you gotta be "Born in the USA."

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: Bobert
Date: 11 Oct 11 - 07:41 PM

Yeah, I heard he was born in Kenya...

Plus I believe that the Constitution requires presidental candidates to be toilet trained???

If not, it should...

B;~)

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: GUEST,Nymbel the Capuchin, APP Secretary
Date: 11 Oct 11 - 07:52 PM

You are apparently unaware that new evidence has recently come to light showing that Chongo was born on sovereign United States of America territory, namely within the walls of the USA diplomatic compound in Lagos, Nigeria in 1923. This has been clearly documented, and is witnessed by the signatures of three American consular staff.

Chongo Chimp IS and always has been an American citizen, as well as holding dual citizenship in the USA and Nigeria.

These facts were not known until quite recently, so when Chongo came across the Atlantic to land at Ellis Island in 1928, he was assumed to be an immigrant from Nigeria. He subsequently became a landed immigrant, and became a full citizen ten years later in 1938, by which time he had moved to Chicago and taken up a career fighting crime and defending the American Way.

With the discovery of documents confirming the unique circumstances of Chongo's birth on American soil (within Nigeria) it has been determined that Chongo never needed to go through naturalization procedures or to apply for American citizenship. He has always been an American citizen. He is therefore legally fully entitled to run for the office of President of the USA.

- Nymbel

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: Bobert
Date: 11 Oct 11 - 08:02 PM

Post the documents...

B~

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: freda underhill
Date: 11 Oct 11 - 09:04 PM

Chongo, what's your position on:
* coal seam gas
* financial regulation
* women
* freedom of screech

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: Bobert
Date: 11 Oct 11 - 09:09 PM

Yeah, this oughtta be interesting... Especially the women question...

B~

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Oct 11 - 09:09 PM

How about selling your mother and sister into a Life Of Shame?

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: olddude
Date: 11 Oct 11 - 11:17 PM

count me in, i love monkeys they taste like chicken

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Oct 11 - 11:25 PM

Well, let's see:

Nigeria in 1923 was a British colony. The US diplomatic representation would have been to the Court of St. James in London. Nigeria became independent of of the UK in 1960.

The capitol, where the "USA diplomatic compound" is located, is Abuja, not Lagos.

He's NOT a native-born US citizen...British, perhaps, but NOT US.

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: Joe Offer
Date: 12 Oct 11 - 02:21 AM

I don't like this kinda talk. Over the years, I've grown to like Chongo. He's cute, almost cuddly. Can't say the same for that Little Hawk character.....

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Oct 11 - 09:51 AM

Chongo is about as cuddly and cute as a antipersonnel mine.

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: GUEST,leeneia
Date: 12 Oct 11 - 10:35 AM

I would vote for Chongo if a golden retriever were nominated for vice president. To balance the ticket, you know.

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 Oct 11 - 12:04 PM

I don't think that's going to happen. Would you settle for a Baboon from Waukegan?

In further unfolding revelations, it seems that Chongo was born inside the walls of an American trading & Christian missionary compound on the shores of Nigeria in 1923. For the first 6 months of his life he awoke every day to the playing of the Star Spangled Banner and saluted as the American flag was raised proudly over that little piece of sovereign American territory in darkest Africa, so he's definitely an American citizen. ;-) Amazing what information gets turned up when an election looms near, isn't it?

Chongo: He's as American as Mom's apple pie, Wrigley Field, and a Yankee Stadium hot dog. He makes even Ronald Reagan look a bit foreign. You know in your heart that you want him to win in 2012.

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Oct 11 - 03:04 PM

Shouldn't you have spelled "heart" with an "f" instead of an "he"?

Sorry. Trading and missionary compounds are NOT the property of any country except the one there in. That pimp chimp is either Nigerian or British by birth.

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: Amos
Date: 12 Oct 11 - 03:23 PM

Look, dumpkopf--to be a citizen you need to be a human chile. No simian has ever applied for citizenship in this country, except that one that snuck into the White House by mistake.,

Besides, suppose he DID get past that and ran and even (Heaven forfend!) WON? First thing he'd do is pack the Congress and the Supreme Court with his kind and the country would go to the dogs, so to speak.

A

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 Oct 11 - 04:00 PM

GREAT PICTURE!!! LOL! I love it!

But, Amos, you are just engaging in typical scurrilous specist rhetoric of a kind that should not be tolerated in a free society! And you are fear-mongering to boot, suggesting that apes are a threat to your little human monopoly on power! And you are insulting apes by comparing them to Dubya (and old canard meant to demean apes by association). Shocking!

You know perfectly well that humans, apes, and monkeys are all brother and sister primates, all branches off the same genetic tree as it were, but you insist on putting humans above other primates, don't you? You think of yourself as better than apes and monkeys, don't you?

Just admit it, mister. You're preaching apartheid and "master race" propaganda, and that won't fly in the 21st century. No sir.

And it's not Constitutional. Nowhere in the Constitution does it say that only a human can be a citizen or run for President. It does not prohibit other primates from seeking public office.

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Oct 11 - 05:33 PM

Article 2, Section 1.

Chongo is ALSO not able to take the oath of office, since he would recite it as "Oook, ooook, ook" and then throw a nasty at the Chief Justice. Basically, he is mentally incompetent to understand the oath.

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: Bobert
Date: 12 Oct 11 - 09:39 PM

"Throw a nasty" at John Roberts???

Man, I've seen Chongz "nasties" and I'd pay to see that... I'd pay a lot...

B~

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: olddude
Date: 12 Oct 11 - 11:16 PM

i hear tell chongo is from the Congo not the good old US of A
so he can't run the hairy ape

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: Little Hawk
Date: 13 Oct 11 - 01:22 AM

He claims to have been born on American territory...in Africa. Bush claimed he was invading Iraq because of those dreadful WMDs. Obama said he would close Guantanamo. Nixon said he was not a crook. Clinton said "I never had sex with that woman." Bush #1 said "Read my lips. No new taxes." Look...give the poor chimp a break! ;-) Fibbing a wee bit now and then is standard practice in the presidential game, and no one loves the USA more than Chongo does.

Furthermore, be glad it's him and not Arnold Schwarzenneger.

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Oct 11 - 01:30 AM

Well, you have a point. So do they, but their hats cover it AND their IQs are very close.

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: Bobert
Date: 13 Oct 11 - 09:24 AM

I'm sorry but just the thought of one corner of the oval office covered in monkey poo kinda leaves me thinkin' that there a better job out there for Chongz... I realize he's tried a lot of stuff but surely there's a job out there that doesn't require toilet training and an IQ north of 75???

(Yo, Boberdz. There ain't no corners in the oval office. That's why they call it an oval, menza man. So quit mean mouthing Chongo. He knows what an oval is.)

Bite me, anon...

B~

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Oct 11 - 10:01 AM

"...the Oval Office covered in monkey poop..."

Has been for many, many years now, hasn't it?

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: olddude
Date: 13 Oct 11 - 11:37 AM

don't forget all the banana peels laying all over the floor for people to slip on ...

and he will paint a mustache on the portrait of George Washington

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: Little Hawk
Date: 13 Oct 11 - 11:46 AM

Chongo expressed a concern today that the "As much as I've grown to dislike Obama" thread has accumulated more posts than the "As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo" thread.

I told him not to worry about it. "For one thing," I said, "The Obama thread was started some time before yours was, so it's had more time to get posted on. For another, its length indicates that more people dislike Obama than dislike you. This is good news for the APP."

"Hmmm...", he mused. "You got a good point there. Things are definitely lookin' up."

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 13 Oct 11 - 11:55 AM

While I don't dislike Chongo, I'm afraid he won't be getting my vote. You see, someone who lives a half-mile or so from my humble home has taken to heart the idea that living in the country entitles him to own any sort of noisy animal he desires. He owns roosters who don't know they're supposed to sleep at night, geese, Guinea fowl, peafowl, and a goat who seems to be afflicted with Tourette's Syndrome. But his latest acquisition is what seems to be a rather noisy monkey or ape of some sort. I haven't actually seen this animal, I only hear the sound it periodically emits coming through the trees, but said sound is definitely not that of any fowl or ungulate I've ever heard. It's a sort of "whoop" that I can only imagine coming from a simian of some variety. Since I'm exposed to this sound at all hours, I'm afraid the idea of similar vocalizations coming from my radio whenever my president opens his mouth is unbearable.

Yes, I'm aware that my comments are a bit specist, but so be it. I'll cast my vote for a human. He'll probably wind up sounding like a jack ass when he opens his mouth, but I can put up with that. There's a herd of donkeys down the road, but they're not so close that I hear them all the time. The wind has to be blowing from their direction. They still sound sort of cute.

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: Little Hawk
Date: 13 Oct 11 - 12:12 PM

LOL!!! Great post, Bee-dub. ;-) What a lucky man you are to have such "interesting" neighbours nearby.

Regarding the goat: It's probably a billy goat. ALL billy goats have Tourette's Syndrome. They're vile creatures.

As for the roosters, one gets used to it eventually. I stayed in Trinidad for awhile, and the night is clamarous there with the sounds of hundreds of crowing roosters and literally thousands of barking and howling dogs. At first it's maddening, and it keeps you awake. Presently your mind and body get so exhausted from resisting the inevitable that your mind just shuts down, and from then on you sleep right through it...a good spiritual exercise in learning to surrender to what cannot be changed. It's not actually the noise that keeps us awake, you see...it's our resistance to the noise that keeps us awake.

Similarly, it's people's resistance to the divergent opinions of other people that keeps contentious political and religious threads boiling interminably on Mudcat Cafe. All this mental resistance accomplishes nothing but to keep people upset with each other and wasting their time vainly attacking each other and attempting to change the other guy...a quest as fruitless as attempting to empty the sea with a bucket. What the mind won't let go of...it is imprisoned and tortured by.

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Oct 11 - 02:38 PM

As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo, the dislike has continued to grow. My mind let go long ago.

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: Little Hawk
Date: 13 Oct 11 - 03:30 PM

Ahh...but consider this, Grasshopper. Until your mind lets go of its ever-growing dislike for Chongo, you have not in truth let go. You are still hanging on. ;-)

(He seems to have a growing dislike for you too. That indicates he hasn't let go either. I'd call it a symbiotic relationship...it seems to provide both of you with a good deal of amusement. And you know what? He has put up a picture of Amos on his office wall, and he throws darts at it when he's bored. He hasn't used the tommy gun on it yet, cos he wants that picture to last for awhile...and the neighbours might call the cops if he did.)

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: olddude
Date: 13 Oct 11 - 03:52 PM

What is chongo's platform a banana in every pot. A swing in every back yard?

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: Little Hawk
Date: 13 Oct 11 - 04:12 PM

You gotta be kidding, Dan! Chongo has stated his platform on numerous occasions. Where were you, watching Fox? (they refuse to report on anything Chongo says)(Matter of fact, most of the mainstream media refuse to report on Chongo, because their corporate owners are scared stiff of what he might do to their cozy little arrangement if and when he's elected.)

To put it briefly, he's at least as radical as Dennis Kucinich. That makes him anathema to the corporates.

He refers to the present governing elite as "the Moronocracy".

Bananas? Well, he has promised to keep prices low and availability high, and he wants to encourage more marketing of bananas grown by many independent small businesses rather than the market being dominated by a handful of subsidized giant agri-corporations. That is his approach to agri-business in general. He also wants to stop corporate factory farming of cattle, chickens, and pigs (all being raised under horrifying, crowded conditions), and return to raising those animals under natural free range conditions on small, privately owned farms all across North America. If this were done, you could buy meat grown locally by people in your own area, and the animals would be much healthier and happier. This would be good for your health too.

Swings? Chongo has not made any comments about swings, but I think he'd certainly be in favor of having a swing in every backyard, not to mention a treehouse. Joan Baez and Chongo agree on the treehouse thing. It's very good for your health to sleep in a treehouse as long as you are careful, and you don't fall out of it in the morning.

I'll put it simply: Chongo is a natural ally of people like Tom Joad. He is a deadly enemy of people like Donald Trump. Capiche?

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Oct 11 - 06:14 PM

Just until he gets in power, and then he'd become like all the rest: a money-grubbing, arse-licking, power-hungry poop thrower, leaning on his knuckles and screaming "EEK! OOK! EEK!" whenever his puppeteers pull his strings.

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: Little Hawk
Date: 13 Oct 11 - 06:28 PM

That's the real question, isn't it? Would power corrupt Chongo? Would he be terrorized or bribed into complicity with the coroporate Moronocracy? Or would he advance unafraid like David advancing against Goliath and strike a blow for the common man, monkey, and ape?

The only way to find out is to elect him.

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Oct 11 - 11:10 PM

But you can only judge someone by their past...and here are a few things from Chongo's:

1. Sold his mother and sister into a life of sexual slavery
2. Has consistently lied about his "native-born American" status, even when the facts have been made evident to him and everyone
3. Doesn't know a straight-blowback from a delayed-blowback weapon
4. Totally ignorant of diplomacy, as evidenced by his violent past
5. Entered the US disguised as a bunch of bananas
6. Wears a trilby and not a fedora
7. Usually is behind in paying his just debts
8. Constantly drinks to excess, impairing what little judgement he has
9. Has to use his feet to count above ten
10. Cannot pass a simple history test without cheating
11. See number 9.

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: Little Hawk
Date: 14 Oct 11 - 01:48 PM

What a sordid and shameful list of totally unfounded allegations! I have one question for you, Rapparee: How do you sleep at night?

Subject: RE: BS: As much as I've grown to dislike Chongo
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Oct 11 - 06:25 PM

Usually in bed, with my eyes closed and warm fluffy blankets on.

I understand Chongo sleeps upside down, hanging from a tree branch by his tail.