BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!

Subject: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 02 Apr 11 - 04:21 PM

Dateline: Blind River - Apr 2/11

This news just in, and it's sad. Shane got arrested yesterday for bank robbery. It seems, though, that it was only a botched April Fools joke on his part. He went to the bank in Massey, presented the teller with a note that read "This is a flippin' robbary! Hand over alls the flippin' cash that you got here, eh? Cos I need to buy some 649 lottary tickets and a case of beer, eh?" He then pulled out a pistol and started waving it around and yelling, "Everybody get down and don't flippin' move! This is a holdup, eh?" Much confusion followed, as it turned out that the local candidate for the Christian Heritage Party was lined up at one of the other tills, and he decided to put the Fear of the Lord into Shane.

I should digress for a moment and explain that the Christian Heritage Party is one of many tiny and inconsequential political parties in Canada who share the stage with the big 4 main parties, but whose existence has no real effect on the outcome. The Christian Heritage Party gets a lot less than 1 per cent of the vote here, but that doesn't stop them from trying, eh? ;-) They manage to field a candidate in most ridings. Their objective is to return society to the glory days of 1000 B.C. or something like that, but I don't think they will ever succeed in attaining that objective.

At any rate, their candidate in the Blind River and Massey area is Joseph Blunder, a retired welder. Joseph is 92 years old, but that doesn't mean he's a weakling. His faith in the Lord has made him strong.

Shane has long made fun of Joseph Blunder and the Christian Heritage Party. He refers to Blunder as "Bible Thumper", and he has written crude and obscene jokes about Blunder on the rear walls of local businesses around the area, including a paint-sprayed cartoon showing Blunder having sex with a moose.

Blunder knows quite well that Shane has no respect for him, for the Lord or for the Christian Heritage Party, and he resents it.

With the light of righteous fury burning madly in his eyes, the incensed novagenarian advanced on Shane, holding forth a cross in his shaking hand and shouting, "Get thee behind me, Imp of Satan!"

Shane's jaw dropped and he turned to face Joseph Blunder. "What the flip are you....? Look, man, this part ain't in the flippin' script, okay? And I ain't gettin' behind you neither. I ain't no flippin' priest, okay, and you ain't no alter boy. This is MY flippin' April Fools joke, not yourn. Back OFF!"

Blunder would not be persuaded. With a silver cross in one hand and a Bible in the other, he moved closer, declaiming in stentorian tones, "AND THE LORD WILL STRIKE DOWN THE VILE SINNER WITH HIS RIGHTEOUS WRATH! AND THE SINNER WILL HIDE BEHIND THE ROCKS, BUT THE LORD WILL TEAR THE ROCKS ASUNDER! AND THE SINNER WILL HIDE BENEATH THE SILENT WATERS, BUT THE LORD WILL PART THE SILENT WATERS WITH A WAVE OF HIS HAND!"

"Flip ME!" exclaimed Shane. "I don't flippin' need this crap today, man. Don't make me shoot!!!" He aimed the pistol vaguely in the general direction of Blunder. A woman screamed. Three cops burst in the door and yelled, "FREEZE!!!! DROP THE WEAPON!" Shane pressed the trigger...quite unintentionally...it was a mere frightened reflex action on his part...Blunder's eyes opened wide in shock....and the gun made a little "Toooot!" sound like one of those party things they blow at New Years, and a little flag came out the end of the barrel with "BANG!" written on it.

Shane grinned apologetically, spread his hands deprecatingly, looked around at everyone and said..."April Fools, eh? It's just a joke gun. See? See the 'Bang' flag? See?"

And then the three cops landed on him like the Cleveland linebackers.

Poor Shane. He meant no harm. But no one thought it was funny. Officer Walsh says he's lucky he didn't get shot. He will go up before the judge on Monday.

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Apr 11 - 04:24 PM

Oh forgive me;~/ I did not know that Shane was in actual mortal danger.
Shall we all paypal his bond?

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 02 Apr 11 - 04:27 PM

That would be a kind gesture. I think it's time for the membership of Mudcat to step up to the plate and show a little humanitarian spirit and help out Shane in his time of need.

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: Charley Noble
Date: 02 Apr 11 - 04:33 PM

It possible they'll only accept hard cash for bail.

Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: GUEST,Don McBride
Date: 02 Apr 11 - 04:34 PM

They should not of roughed up the little brother like that, eh? He is a harmless flipper and everyone knows that! Plus, he is not that smart, eh? A normle person should, like, at least get his wrist slapped maybe for doin' somethin' like that...but Shane is not normle! He's a flippin' idiot's moron, eh? I know this. I have met dogs that are smarter than Shane. I am bettin' they let him off with just a warning. If they don't, I will be ticked, cos he was gonna help me paint the front porch this week.

It was just a fake toy gun, fer Krissake! Hello??????

- Don

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Apr 11 - 04:40 PM

LH
I have mailed you all the coins and cash I won on Ebay that belonged tothe workers at Fukushima.

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: GUEST,Don McBride
Date: 02 Apr 11 - 04:45 PM

Don't mail it to HIM! Mail it to ME! Send it all to Don McBride at Generel Delibevry at Blind River Post Office in North Flippin' Ontario. I have alreddy got together a little cash and I been sellin' T-shirts here that say FREE SHANE in big red letters. $15 bucks fer each T-shirt. I get 'em done for only $6 bucks by my buddy Jim at the copy shop. The profits will go to raise the money to get Shane outta jail and back on the flippin' street where he belongs.

- Don

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: GUEST,John MacKenzie
Date: 02 Apr 11 - 04:53 PM

Dachshund poo!

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: GUEST,Don McBride
Date: 02 Apr 11 - 04:58 PM

Watch yer dam langwage!

- Don

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: catspaw49
Date: 02 Apr 11 - 04:59 PM

Shane eats chimp shit................

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: catspaw49
Date: 02 Apr 11 - 05:00 PM

Chongo eats Shane shit.............

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: catspaw49
Date: 02 Apr 11 - 05:01 PM

Hawk ets both and runs rabbits..................

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: GUEST,Don McBride
Date: 02 Apr 11 - 05:32 PM

Take yer flippin' spam somewheres else, retread.

- Don

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: GUEST,999
Date: 02 Apr 11 - 05:36 PM

I have $.90 to send the FREE SHANE fund. However, it's in empty beer bottles. Will that be oK/Ok/o/ satisfactory?

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: GUEST,Don McBride
Date: 02 Apr 11 - 06:16 PM

Sounds like a plan to me. Send 'em.

- Don

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: JennieG
Date: 02 Apr 11 - 06:41 PM

We still have some Ozzie 1c and 2c coins.......the country stopped using them years ago but they might be good for topping up Shane's bail. Where do I send them?
And I have to ask: is Officer Jennifer on duty while Shane is in the big house? (or is the small house, in Blind River?)

Cheers
JennieG

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: gnu
Date: 02 Apr 11 - 06:51 PM

More like an (arse) hole in the wall.

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: catspaw49
Date: 02 Apr 11 - 07:52 PM

McBride eats hawk shit...............

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: Bobert
Date: 02 Apr 11 - 08:19 PM

Man, what the hell is going on here???

This bank robbery has turned into a shit-eatin' contest...

Oh well... I didn't enter...

Ya'll knock yerselves out!!! Bon appetite, and all that...

(And they say that hillbillies is strange???)

Ha...

B~

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: catspaw49
Date: 02 Apr 11 - 08:37 PM

Sorry Bobertz.......I will say nothing about you as I like you and you just got a load of shit as a force feed from Butler................

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: Bobert
Date: 02 Apr 11 - 08:53 PM

Thankx, Spawzer...

I'm 100% okay with the loss to Butler... Really!!!... Hey, Final Four??? For VCU this was a dream come true... Maybe get us a couple decent recruits???

Now back to our regularly scheduled shit-eatin' contest...

Hmmmmm??? Seems that Don McBride is in the lead... Maybe he'll end up with the "Brown Trophy"...

Go, Don, go...

B~

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: Amos
Date: 02 Apr 11 - 10:05 PM

NO BAIL!! It's time for a little tough love and Shane needs to do some quiet reflection in solitary confinement.


A

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: Ebbie
Date: 02 Apr 11 - 11:40 PM

Question: How could Shane be in mortal danger?

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: GUEST,Don McBride
Date: 02 Apr 11 - 11:49 PM

It means, like, if he was gonna die, eh? What are you, stoopid or somethin'?

- Don

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: EBarnacle
Date: 03 Apr 11 - 12:34 AM

Isn't Chongo a licensed attorney in Canada? After all, we know his relationship with bars.

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: Ebbie
Date: 03 Apr 11 - 02:50 AM

Don, for your information neither you nor your brother are alive. Accept that and go on.

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: GUEST,Feral Cheryl
Date: 03 Apr 11 - 09:41 AM

He's loked up with kriminals and bad people! I'm doing my best to raze money to help him raze bail but my back is startin to hurt. So far I'v razed more than two dollars and some kind of mony from some other conutry. Shane! I'm tying to hep you, babe!

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: SINSULL
Date: 03 Apr 11 - 09:49 AM

This has to be a Mudcat first. No one has yet to attack the Christians for screwing up Shane's party.
WOW.

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: Ebbie
Date: 03 Apr 11 - 11:05 AM

:)

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: GUEST,Brother Dismas Fiacre
Date: 03 Apr 11 - 01:08 PM

I am deeply saddened that this person, who took my birth name without permission, should fall into such troubles. I pray that he will repent and begin a new way of life. It's never too late.

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: GUEST,John MacKenzie
Date: 03 Apr 11 - 01:32 PM

Silly old Fiacre!

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Apr 11 - 01:38 PM

Yes, where ARE all our anti-religious crusaders??? They should be pouncing on this thread in droves to support Shane and help raise funds to spring him out of durance vile. He is just another unfortunate victim of organized religion!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: gnu
Date: 03 Apr 11 - 01:52 PM

Dale here. The snow finally melted enough fer me ta be able to get the truck outta the barn and get down ta Moncton fer ta get some supplies. I bin partyin since the insurance coin for the accident came in an I was down to about thirty cases eh.

I told you he was no good Cheryl. And now he's got everyone dooped inta thinkin he was just pullin a April Fools joke septin the Royal Canadian Mounted. Time ya wised up an found a real man. A man with enough cash ta take care a you and the bun. How is yer tummy mummy?

I gotta run, gnu will be home soon. Say hi to him for me. I just don't understand why that city boy never changes the lock on his door. I showed him how. He must lazy. Or dumb or very trusting, which is dumb times two eh.

I herd a door slam

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: Gurney
Date: 03 Apr 11 - 07:45 PM

How many on-line computers do you really have, LH?

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River
Date: 03 Apr 11 - 09:33 PM

This is me, eh? One of the guys here...Coop...lended me his laptop. You would be surprised how many of the reglars here at the jail have them things now. You don't really rate no more behind bars unlest you are online, eh? Coop warned me not to get no virusses on this thing by goin' to the wrong sites and downloadin' bad stuff, so I have been stayin' away from doin' that and just lookin' at the usewal pickchures and videos which I figger is safe. It's kinda like usin' one of them condimins, eh?

Anyways, what we got here is a flippin' seryouus case of INjustise! It was April first, eh? Everybuddy knows that the usewal stuff don't count fer nothin' on April 1 becoz it is April Fools Day fer flip's sake! NObody robs a bank on April Fools Day coz it would not be right to do that. On other days okay...but NOT on April Fools Day and not on Christmas! All hardened crinimals are agreed that that is just the way it is. Not even flippin' Dillinjer would rob a flippin' bank on Christmas or April Fools Day, know'm sayin'?

So how come these fliphead cops would arrest me for playin' a harmless little joke that is in toon with the flippin' season and only to cheer ppeeple up?

It is not fair! I am gonna find me a public defender that has some balls and I will sue the flippin' OPP for alls they got and then some! I been falsly arrrested here and I want flippin' justiss! They also flippin' put a hammerlock on me when I wasn't even flippin' fightin' back or nothin' and now my neck hurts, eh? That is police brutality! The worst one is that crazy fliphead pig Officer Walsh who is a total flippin' jerk with a real bad attitude. He thinks he is Clint Flippin' Eastwood, wavin' his gun around and thtretening innoscent peeople. He should be flippin' throwed off the force. I will not flippin' reast untill that bolthead is put behind bars and made to pay for ruinin' my day.

- Shane

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Apr 11 - 11:02 PM

Yes, being shot can really ruin your day. So can being tea-gassed, pepper-sprayed, concussion-grenaded, or any one of a number of other things.

I know, I know, Shame. You were just foolin' around. But I've actually BEEN a cop, once, long ago, and I was even brought up on police brutality charges. Of course, nothing came of them because all we did was get the guy on the ground, handcuff him, put the boots to him a few times, get in a little "stick time", and kick-roll him down some stairs and across the street to the car before we hauled him off to jail. Then he had the audacity to file a brutality complaint! Well, after we visited with him and explained things in a nice way he dropped it, and a good thing for him too.

On another topic, do you know how many prisoners commit suicide in their jail cells?

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: GUEST,Officer Jennifer Dana, OPP
Date: 04 Apr 11 - 12:05 AM

A shake-down search of the cells found several computers, which are totally forbidden to inmates. One of these was in Mr. McBride's cell; all of them were confiscated. A home-made knife, called a "shank", was also found in Mr. McBride's cell; he denies knowing anything about it. Nevertheless, he has been placed in solitary confinement with an around-the-clock suicide watch in place.

He asked that I post this information.

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River
Date: 04 Apr 11 - 12:08 AM

People like you are a flippin' diseese, man. That is alls I got to say. I got no reazon to committ suecide becoz my flippin' glory days are, like, still layin' ahead and they are not like far off, eh? You will see ME on yer TV screen one day coz I will be a faymuous rock star frontin' a kickass heavey metal band and gettin' hot chicks and you will still be NUTHIN'! Ha! So there, eh, fliphead!

I will be out real soon. You can take that to the bank, dumbass. No bars can hold back Shane McBride for long. My flippin' destiny is wrote large across the canvass of life.

- Shane

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: GUEST,Don McBride
Date: 04 Apr 11 - 12:19 AM

Eether we got a flippin' time warp here or somebody is inpersonatin' my baby brother and tryin' to get him in deep shit.

Or somebody is inpersonatin' Offiser Dana. ???

Or Shane's flippin' post went through late fer some reason coz of, like, bad software?

???

Eitehr way it is not good. But there is no way Shane will kill himself. He just ain't smart enough. He would screw it up somehow. Trust me. He tried to, like, kill a wasp one time in the house here, eh? With a baseball bat. He flippin' killed the TV, a couple lamps, part of the walls in the hall, some dishes, 2 windows, and a hot stereo that we was lookin' to pawn.

The wasp lived. I got stung. Shane got stung. My girlfriend of the day got stung. The wasp got away.

I rest my flippin' case.

- Don

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: Sandy Mc Lean
Date: 04 Apr 11 - 12:23 AM

Shane said:
"No bars can hold back Shane McBride for long."
The bar at the Lower Deck in Halifax held him back for most of the day until he was forcibly removed at closing time, but that was a few years ago. In any case does not Shane deserve more sympathy than what is being shown here? For shame on Mudcat!

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: GUEST,Don McBride
Date: 04 Apr 11 - 01:25 AM

It makes ya wonder, don't it, Sandy? Where is the love?

I do not believe that Shane made no homemade knife cos he would not do that. He is too lazy and he don't have them kind of manuwal skills, eh? Sure, he would use a home made knife if he found one, maybe to jimmy open a window, eh? But he would never bother to make one. That would be too much like work! The basic thing with the little brother is...if it is much harder than opening a beer bottle or busting a lock or a window, he ain't innerested. If it takes more than 5 minutes, he ain't innerested. I guesstimate that makin' a "shank" would take at least a few hours, eh? NO FLIPPIN' WAY!

- Don

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: Gurney
Date: 04 Apr 11 - 02:59 AM

Don, you reckon sumone is impersonhating Officer Dana? I've heard that illeagle.

Funny, impersonhating a police officer is illeagle, but when a police officer impersonhates a teenage girl on the web, that's NOT. No, mate! They get commendaytions!
One law for them, another for the rest of us, eh!

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Apr 11 - 10:10 AM

Knowing something about how the Internet works (I had to study it because of my job) I think that Shame's Last Message (what a great book title!) was delayed in transit from one node to another. Perhaps the transit layer of the TCP/IP software gagged on it, or perhaps it was simply delayed at a node due to header errors. Hard to tell.

But I applaud the OPP for the suicide watch. He's probably laying naked in a jail cell bunk, no sheets or other coverings with which he could harm himself, a stainless steel and lidless toilet in one corner, a 100 watt light bulb burning overhead high up where he can't reach it.

I say I applaud this because the boy can cut himself on a soft rubber spoon.

That shank may have been left by an earlier prisoner or planted to get Shame in trouble. Does he have any enemies on the "inside"?

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Apr 11 - 10:24 AM

Or any enemies on the outside, for that matter.

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: GUEST,Patsy
Date: 04 Apr 11 - 10:44 AM

Please someone from the UK tell me that it was an April Fool's joke that all chip shops were going to ban the option of salt at the counter? Have I been had hook line and stinker?

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: GUEST,leeneia
Date: 04 Apr 11 - 11:18 AM

LH, I bet you could slip Shane a banjo through the bars of his cell. Important: turn banjo SIDEWAYS.

This would give Shane something healthy to do, and would either drive his custodians nuts so they release him or else entertain them so they treat him better.

Anyway you look at it, it's a win-win.

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Apr 11 - 01:04 PM

Great idea, leeneia. I'll make sure Don knows about it. I don't think Don has access to a banjo at the moment, but that doesn't mean he couldn't "find" one...

And after it's been found, your plan can be put into action.

I feel sure that if Shane learned to play "Achy Breaky Heart" on the banjo and sang it about 50 times in a row, his jailers would be persuaded to negotiate an early release.

Rapparee, Shane called you a "dumbass". Whaddya think about that?

He also uttered these immortal words:

My flippin' destiny is wrote large across the canvass of life.

That's a quote that has to rank among the greatest of all time, right up there with quotes from Churchill, Lincoln, Goethe, and William Shatner, don'tcha think? Impressive. I didn't think the boy had that sort of poetic flare. Generations of people will harken back to those deathless words when they think of Shane McBride.

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: Gurney
Date: 04 Apr 11 - 04:55 PM

I had a poetic flare once. I'd been drinking poteen, and I smoked in those days.

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: GUEST,Rev. Jimmy Lee Staggers
Date: 04 Apr 11 - 07:47 PM

A fitting taste of Hell for this sinner! Lying naked in a tiny cell, shivering in anticipation of the torments to come! Soon they will let the demons in to torment him in indescribable ways, violating every bodily opening, ripping his flesh apart, he wishing he would die but being dead he cannot ever stop the torment.

REPENT!! There is still time!!! Accept the Lord as your personal saviour!!!! Open your heart and accept your penance on Earth!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: April Fools 'joke' goes badly awry!
From: GUEST,Don McBride
Date: 05 Apr 11 - 12:21 AM

You have gotta flippin' come up here and help Joe Blunder campane for the CHP, Jimmy Lee, cos you are just as nuts as he is, eh? It is becoz of crazed flipheads like you that my baby brother is now rottin' in jail.

- Don