BS: Sex with chimpanzees?

Subject: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: GUEST,perplexed
Date: 07 Aug 06 - 01:34 PM

What's it like? Are they sensitive lovers? Can they be trusted? I never thought I'd be asking such questions, but I've gotten to know a really nice chimpanzee and things are approaching that crucial stage in our relationship. For personal reasons, I do not intend to reveal my own gender or the gender of the chimpanzee. Suffice it to say that we met through a mutual business contact. At first I was surprised to see a chimpanzee dressed like a human being and speaking excellent English with an American accent. I soon discovered that my friend is a well-payed professional, accustomed to dealing with everything that a human being deals with in our complex society. In fact, this individual is frankly more human in a number of ways that many actual humans I have known. What if this relationship should become truly serious and we form a lasting committment? Would it be possible to produce children from such a union or is that unrealistic or inadvisable? How should I approach my relatives, who are devout Baptists, about this matter? Or must our love remain a dark secret? I hate sneaking about and telling lies to people. It's always been my instinct to come out straight about things and damn the torpedoes, but this is a tough one. What if the press gets hold of it? I shudder at the thought of what could happen then, being followed about by hordes of leering paparazzi and offered obscene sums of money to "tell all" on reality TV shows!

I am so perplexed.

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: GUEST,Chleeta
Date: 07 Aug 06 - 01:40 PM

We can be VERY good lovers, given half a chance

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: Don Firth
Date: 07 Aug 06 - 01:54 PM

Never had any experience along that line myself, but someone who has told me that the foreplay is really good. They like to monkey around a lot.

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 07 Aug 06 - 02:00 PM

I don't believe a word what you are saying!...............I believe you are that chimpanzee and you are fishing to find out the concensus of opinion on whether you and your 'owner' should have a closer relationship.

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: Bill D
Date: 07 Aug 06 - 02:09 PM

ah, Don...I suspect that you will soon be told "chimps are NOT monkeys!"...and then we'll know for sure who is behind this..*grin*

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: Don Firth
Date: 07 Aug 06 - 02:14 PM

Well, perhaps they're not really monkeys, Bill, but they do occasionally go ape.

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: Ebbie
Date: 07 Aug 06 - 02:19 PM

Gotta be Chongo.

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: Bill D
Date: 07 Aug 06 - 02:20 PM

*grin*...so they do!

"Gorilla my dreams, I love you"

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Aug 06 - 02:39 PM

Little chimps have to come from somewhere...

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: number 6
Date: 07 Aug 06 - 02:52 PM

They're ugly, they have no manners, wear stupid clothes ... so I can't even imagine.

If my daughter or son ever brought one home I kick him/her out the door without any hesitation or remorse.

sIx

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 07 Aug 06 - 02:57 PM

Yeah, I know watcha mean. I used to feel that way about humans too...till I took the sensitivity course in inter-species relations. Maybe you oughta look into doin' the same thing, Number 6, that's what I'm thinkin'.

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: Big Mick
Date: 07 Aug 06 - 02:58 PM

I want you all to listen to me very carefully. I DID NOT have sexual relations with that CHIMPANZEE girl.

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: MMario
Date: 07 Aug 06 - 02:58 PM

Koko would have killed you if you did.

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: number 6
Date: 07 Aug 06 - 03:09 PM

Good Gawd ... she's ugly!! I hope you didn't mick, thought you had standards.

Chongo .... your nothin but a dirt kickin, sleazy monkey who would con his own mother to gain a looney.

sIx

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: Amos
Date: 07 Aug 06 - 03:36 PM

OH, Little Hawk, stop fantasizing. The chimp hasn't been born who would have you willingly.

A

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: skarpi
Date: 07 Aug 06 - 03:45 PM

animal sex hmmmmm úffff are you sure you are alright ? I hope you are haveing fun and are joking about this :>)

you want a banana..........


jesus maria

All The Best Skarpi Iceland

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: Big Mick
Date: 07 Aug 06 - 03:49 PM

Yes, my friend. We are joking. PM on the way later.

Mick

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: number 6
Date: 07 Aug 06 - 04:01 PM

I hope it's a joke !!!

sIx

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 07 Aug 06 - 04:08 PM

Yeah? I've got your number, Number 6. Yer nothin' but a scum-suckin', back alley hophead who probably makes a livin' pearl-divin' at the local hash house. You chump! When it comes to makin' some chin music I bet yer heels are so round that a feather could knock ya over, and ya know what else? I figger you inherited that characteristic from yer mother.

- Chongo

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: number 6
Date: 07 Aug 06 - 04:18 PM

You hairy stinking monkey ... yer dizguzting. Look at yourself. I'd roll up my sleeves and take you on anytime ... but I wouldn't want to bother getting my crisp starched ironed sleeves of my shirt wrinkled. Especially over some low life as you.

Go find some yourself some local kids to terrorize, take their candy change a blow it on the cheap saloon which is your usual hangout.

I don't even know what LH see's in you as a friend.

sIx

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: number 6
Date: 07 Aug 06 - 04:23 PM

"pearl-divin' at the local hash house"

.. what the hell does that mean ??

sIx

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: GUEST,Philip Marlowe
Date: 07 Aug 06 - 04:31 PM

He's implying that you make a living washing dishes, that's what it means. You hafta study up on your gumshoe lingo, pal. Sounds to me like you two are striking up a beautiful friendship. Someone oughta send some flowers after you "cement" the relationship, if you know what I mean... ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: Amos
Date: 07 Aug 06 - 04:36 PM

Mebbe we oughta buy 'em both a new pair o' boots an' a overcoat, huh?

I tell yaz, Little Hawk, ya gotta quit fantasizin' like dis. Just cuz ya can't keep a girl friend is nor eason to start imaginging chimp girsfriends!! It's...it's...it's UNNATURAL, is what it is!!

Mike Hammer

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: number 6
Date: 07 Aug 06 - 04:37 PM

I think you better get back to your smoky walkup office Phil ... your cheap secretary/assistant informed me you have another client waiting there for you. Probably some dame wanting you to spy on her husband again.

But hey ... thanks for definition.

Jeeeesh.


sIx

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 07 Aug 06 - 04:40 PM

Come on Dudes! Its Chimps for violence,
bonobos for sex!

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 07 Aug 06 - 04:53 PM

- perplexed -

I think at this point in your potential realtionship it is extremely important that you make an absolute and irrefutable determination that you are, in fact, dealing with a chimpanzee. DNA evidence from a properly qualified medical laboratory would not be too much to ask of this associate.

Since you mentioned that your meeting was through a "business connection" there is the very real possibility that what you're dealing with is in all truth merely -

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Someone in ADVERTISING -

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or worse yet, a MANAGER.


(Both types are known to adopt extreme disguises in order to facilitate bizarre parodies of "social acceptability" and fequently resort to "predatory" behaviour.)


John

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: GUEST,Vinnie
Date: 07 Aug 06 - 04:55 PM

Aw...JEEZ!~ That is so gross.

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 Aug 06 - 05:01 PM

Hell of a good point there, John. I think she (I'm assuming it's a female) should definitely check that out and verify that it really is a decent chimpanzee, and not a systems manager or worse yet, a corporate VP! These businessmen have no scruples. They'll do or say anything and impersonate anyone to have their way with some unsuspecting female. It's a jungle out there.

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: GUEST,The one with a big red sexy ass
Date: 07 Aug 06 - 05:01 PM

What self respecting Chimp would ever have sex with a, ewww, a human?

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: GUEST, George Taylor
Date: 07 Aug 06 - 05:09 PM

"Take your stinking paws of me you damn dirty ape!"

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 07 Aug 06 - 06:49 PM

Why? What planet are you on pal?

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: robomatic
Date: 07 Aug 06 - 07:08 PM

for a feces throwin' good time call
446-774-6283
(igo-pri-mate)

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: *daylia*
Date: 07 Aug 06 - 08:51 PM

According to Jared Diamond (noted evolutionary biologist), just trying to have sex with a chimpanzee would be, quite literally, the accomplishment of a lifetime.

"...About a week and a half ago in Los Angeles, there was a really tragic, awful event in which a couple who had brought up a pet chimpanzee went and visited their pet chimpanzee in an animal shelter with a couple of other chimpanzees that had been kept there for a long time. These were chimpanzees habituated to humans. And something went wrong. Two teenage male chimpanzees attacked the man, and the result was just awful. They pulled off his nose, and [attacked] his eyes. They chewed off every one of his fingers. They chewed out his buttocks. Okay?

... Chimpanzees are about the same size as humans, and genetically they're the species closest to humans. Despite that, there is no attested case of humans having sex with chimpanzees. It would be absolutely lethal. The man who did it would come off without his private parts!"

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: GUEST,Turbo Dog
Date: 07 Aug 06 - 08:59 PM

The half breed kids are ugly as hell.

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: GUEST,Big Percival
Date: 07 Aug 06 - 09:28 PM

Hey, Chongo, ya cross-species little punk -- ya keep yer yap shut about dem chimp skirts down at Eddie's place, ya hear? Kuz if ya don't, Alfonso is gonna send me ta do a liddle soft-shoe on dat cowflop ya call a face, see? Alfonso LIKES dem dames, an he don't take kindly ta preverts like you mouthin off too much. So if ya don't want a mouthful of brass nuks ya better keep yer piehole shut tight. An remember, we still got de negatives of you an that blonde, ya know?

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: Dead Horse
Date: 08 Aug 06 - 04:30 PM

Seeing as how we are in the neighbourhood, so to speak, I just have to ask if any of you guys have had sex with an elephant?














It doesn't half make yer arse sore!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: Bagpuss
Date: 17 Aug 06 - 03:35 AM

Anyone read Great Apes by Will Self?

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 17 Aug 06 - 06:05 AM

Somebody mentioned Sex With Large Animals?

[Warning: the linked picture is probably not objectionable, but the site in general is unmoderated, uncensored, and full of pictures and comments by totally disreputable persons. Caution advised.]

John

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: Bagpuss
Date: 18 Aug 06 - 03:44 AM

Last nights "Time Trumpet" (comedy by Armando Iannucci) featured a TV programme from the near future called "Rape an Ape"...

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 16 Sep 07 - 02:28 PM

New just in! It turns out it was Chongo, and "perplexed" was a receptionist in Chicago. I am not, however, authorized to reveal the intimate details of their six-month torrid affai-----OOPS!

I didn't say that. I know nothing.

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 16 Sep 07 - 02:31 PM

Barbara Bush does it, it must be OK.

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 16 Sep 07 - 02:35 PM

LOL!!!

Man, Chongo is gonna be ticked when he sees that. He hates people comparing chimps to George Bush.

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 16 Sep 07 - 02:41 PM

Hey the man looks like a chimp, he walks like a chimp, and he damn well talks like a chimp.
G

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: Amos
Date: 16 Sep 07 - 02:52 PM

I think you meant Laura. If you're gonna run an interspecies illegal sex ring, it would be a good idea to learn to tell your Bushes apart.

I didn't say that. I know nothing.

Little Hawk, don't you feel better having confessed this?


A

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: TheSnail
Date: 16 Sep 07 - 02:55 PM

GUEST,perplexed, have you considered species re-alignment? Given the current popularity of gender re-alignment, it shouldn't be that difficult. I can think of a number of people who could pass for wombats with only minor adjustments.

Of course, you would have to live as a chimpanzee for a year first.

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 16 Sep 07 - 03:10 PM

Tell Laura I love her.

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: Ebbie
Date: 16 Sep 07 - 03:20 PM

When I was a young girl we discovered a great pile of books in the attic. I and the brother closest to me in age (we were around 10 years old) devoured them.

A good many of the books were W A Y above our heads in implication and nuance (for instance, I had no idea why this feuding couple emerged best friends after having taken refuge in a remote barn during a rainstorm) but some of the things I have never forgotten.

One of the books was titled 'Congo Song', I believe. The premise was that this beautiful young woman had a pet gorilla, a gorilla that eventually became so aggressive and strong that he was kept in a large cage, and that no one could control him but the young woman.

Eventually the gorilla kills her. I've never re-read the book nor come across it in later years but there is the definite implication that the gorilla was sexually attracted, if not sexually involved, with her.

Has anyone else read that book?

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 16 Sep 07 - 03:32 PM

Sounds like a real page turner, Ebbie! ;-)

Yeah, I feel great, Amos! How about you?

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 16 Sep 07 - 03:33 PM

Keep those posts coming in, folks, and drive that stupid "Same-Sex Marriage" thread off the page. ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with chimpanzees?
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 16 Sep 07 - 03:39 PM

I go ape every time I see you smile
I'm a ding dong gorilla and I carry your cave man style
When you hold my hand, I'm a prehistoric man.
I GO APE!!

Neil Sedaka?


G.