BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: JennieG
Date: 12 Apr 11 - 01:47 AM

I would be careful Rap......you never know what is going to crawl out from under that rock.

Cheers
JennieG

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Apr 11 - 10:50 AM

The worst that could crawl out from under any rock is in jail, being preached to in relays I guess.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: gnu
Date: 12 Apr 11 - 02:04 PM

Relaygion?

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Apr 11 - 02:59 PM

Yup. That old-time kind. They're probably about at the snake-handling stage by now.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 Apr 11 - 03:39 PM

Shane is an experienced snake handler...in a manner of speaking.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: gnu
Date: 12 Apr 11 - 05:27 PM

The one-eyed bedsnake?

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Apr 11 - 10:39 AM

I think that the question of his salvation can't be answered soon enough. Let's hang him and find out.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Little Hawk
Date: 13 Apr 11 - 01:02 PM

Hanging is illegal in Canada. Even in Shane's case.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: gnu
Date: 13 Apr 11 - 01:32 PM

"Hanging is illegal in Canada." So, 25 years without parole for first-degree stupidity. Whaddya get for being really really stupid?

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: GUEST,Don McBride
Date: 13 Apr 11 - 02:09 PM

Youse people ougtta show a little respect, eh? You might be in jail sometime too, ya never know. I got a message out fer the little brother in the Last Beer thread. Check it out and you will see that Shane is not layin' down and givin' up yet.

- Don

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Apr 11 - 06:17 PM

Shooting? Beheading? Poison gas? Electrocution? Drawing and quartering? Boiling? Burning alive? Peine forte et dure? Sawing in half? Throwing to the lions? Lethal injection? Radiation overdose? Carcinogens? Hardened arteries? Cirrhosis? Throwing him from a high place? Staked out on an ant hill? Old age?

There has to be SOME legal way....

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: frogprince
Date: 13 Apr 11 - 09:18 PM

Now, now, Rap; if you had a mangy, flea bitten dog, with horrible breath, and it kept humping your leg, and you couldn't get it pried off 'til it got your pants all messy, you might take it out and shoot it, but you know that, being a decent person, you wouldn't torture it to death. Surely Shane isn't that much worse than that.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Bob the Postman
Date: 13 Apr 11 - 09:40 PM

We have yet to hear again from Rev. Blunder. I'm getting a bit worried about him. Is he okay? Is he out on the hustings? I hope he checks in soon. I need to know his address so I can send him some money.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Sandy Mc Lean
Date: 13 Apr 11 - 09:59 PM

Sure Shane is in the crowbar hotel because he got caught but how many of you have done the same stupid things and have gotten away with it, under the influence of a drop or two? Is a love for Canadian beer a crime? Only if he was desperate and badly hungover would Shane bring his his lips to a bottle of Bud Light (unless it was free) so accept him as a man of principle even if his values differ from yours! Can people not be free enough in their thinking to accept that this was all intended as a joke? What have we become to be?

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: GUEST,Joseph Blunder
Date: 13 Apr 11 - 11:47 PM

Did someone mention money? Your dollars can do far more good if they are spent in the service of the Lord, and not on loose women, liquor, intoxicating drugs, empty entertainment, and other vile snares of Satan! If you send them to me, Joseph Blunder, Box 999, Massey, Ontario, I promise that every penny will go to do God's work!

Don't hesitate! Send all you can! Give as Jesus gave, withholding nothing! Remember, "you can't take it with you".

Meanwhile the struggle proceeds apace. All the demons of hell are opposing me in my crusade to rescue this unfortunate, deranged youth from his fallen state. Today he attempted to shake my faith by challenging Holy Writ and by bringing up vile and utterly false tales that have been spread about me by my political enemies and those in the service of the dark forces...

I was in no wit dismayed. I sprinkled holy water upon him through the bars which caused him to recoil in horror and call me unspeakable names. I grow more and more convinced that this is a case of full-blown possession by none other than the ArchFiend Himself, Beelzebub!!! He has taken over this misguided youth and is using him to undo God's work! But he shall not succeed! I have a plan.

As it is a secret plan, I can say no more.

Pray for Shane!

- Joseph Blunder, CHP of Canada

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: gnu
Date: 14 Apr 11 - 05:08 AM

"I sprinkled holy water upon him through the bars which caused him to recoil in horror and call me unspeakable names."

Was is still hot from boiling the hell out of it?

"CHP"

Chief Holy Person?

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: GUEST,Don McBride
Date: 14 Apr 11 - 01:44 PM

I been keepin' in touch with Shane. He is gettin' majerly pissed off at the fliphead Blunder. The boy is about to bust a blood vessel. Somethin' has gotta be done, and I guess that I will hafta do it. Blunder must be flippin' stopped!

I tole Shane he could just get rid of Bludner by pretendin' to convert and sayin' he loves Jesus, but he won't do it. He is too proud. I understand how he feels. I wouldn't flippin' do it neither. There are times when a McBride has gotta stand up and show the world what he is flippin' MADE of and not give a flippin' INCH!

- Don

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Amos
Date: 14 Apr 11 - 02:55 PM

LOL! Que c'est drole, cette histoire!


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: gnu
Date: 14 Apr 11 - 03:03 PM

When do they haybe his corpses?

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Bob the Postman
Date: 14 Apr 11 - 03:04 PM

Thank the Deity that Rev. Blunder is alive and well. My cheque is in the mail. (I believe that "CHP" stands for "Candidate for the House of Parliament". I'm sure that all Mudcatters join with me in wishing him every success in the upcoming election.)

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: GUEST,Rev. Jimmy Lee Staggers
Date: 14 Apr 11 - 05:02 PM

Bless you, Mr. Blunder, for the good work you are doing! Keep it up and your reward will be richer for it. I have added you to the prayer circles of one hundred and seventy churches throughout the United States and Canada. If there is any spiritual assistance we can give please let me know.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: GUEST,Joseph Blunder
Date: 14 Apr 11 - 09:35 PM

Thank you, Jimmy Lee! That means a lot to me. I do need your prayers and those of your people, because the legions of Satan appear to be gathering against me.

I arrived home tonight and I got 4 flat tires when I pulled into my own driveway! It turns out that some miscreant put a device across the driveway with many sharp points on it and it pierced all 4 tires as I drove across it.

I then found that one of my windows was broken. I feared that the house had been broken into, but this was not the case. When I tried to get inside, my hand got stuck to the front doorknob! Someone had apparently smeared fast-acting crazy glue all over it. The police say it must have been done just before I arrived home, because otherwise the glue would already have hardened. Whoever did it must have been watching from the bushes! Eventually I managed to painfully pry my fingers from the doorknob and I got in. Inside my living room I found a brick amongst the shards of glass from the broken window. Tied to the brick was a crudely written note that read: "LAY OFF SHANE McBRIDE OR YOU WILL BE SORRY!!! THIS IS NOT A FLIPPIN' JOKE!"

I have called the police, needless to say, and they are intent on catching the perpetrators whose immortal souls I will pray for this very night in the spirit of forgiveness. And tomorrow I will purchase or rent a guard dog, preferably a large and fierce Doberman.

- Joseph Blunder

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Apr 11 - 09:41 PM

Hey, Joe. Obviously that stuff was done by one of Shame's friends, only he doesn't have any.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Apr 11 - 10:59 AM

I'm starting the International Agency To Declare Shame McBride A Crime Against Humanity And Execute Him Like They Did At Nuremberg To Those Nazis (IATDSMACAHAEHLTDANTTN, pronounced just the way it's spelled). All contributions are gratefully accepted.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Bob the Postman
Date: 15 Apr 11 - 11:49 AM

Brother Rapparee, I'm sure that Rev. Blunder would join his mighty voice with mine in urging you to open your heart to Brother McBride and, if you can't find it within yourself to turn the other cheek to him (for, verily, he hath smitten you, as he hath smitten all of society with his heedless ways), at least acknowlege that you and he are both alike condemned sinners who absent the Saving Grace will surely burn in hell for all eternity.

After all, who among us has not staggered out of the beer parlour at one in the morning and, having stolen someone's F150, careened down some northern Ontario highway in search of an attractive barnyard animal with which to copulate, only to wind up in the hoosegow after violently assaulting the paramedics who were attempting to administer aid following the unfortunate incident with the plate glass window of the Royal Bank of Canada on Main Street.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: gnu
Date: 15 Apr 11 - 01:03 PM

Bob... Dale here. It was the CIBC and it was MY truck and I backed into it and I apologized... to God as I was drivin away. It was an accident, really and for truly, honest.

I hate that fuckin bank. Soon as Johnny's insurace claim comes in I am gonna borrow the money to pay off the truck and then it's fuck them eh.

Guess I'd better vamoose on accounta gnu will be back from tirin out his mum at the grocery stores soon and he's outta beer. Ten pounds a moose burger otta cover the beer eh?

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: GUEST,Don McBride
Date: 15 Apr 11 - 02:09 PM

I had a visit here from the OPP, eh? Officer Dana and Officer Walsh. They seem to think I mighta had somethin' to do with some stuff that happened over at Joe Blunder's place last night.

Imagine that.

Well, I told 'em I was with my buddies...Lannie and Doug and Grunt (that is a nickname...his real name is Alisdair, but he don't like people to use it, eh?). Anyways, we was together all night over to Lannie's place drinkin' beer and watchin' TV. That is what I tole the cops. And of course it is true. No word of a lie, eh?

They was skepticle, eh? They went on and on beatin' the dead horse around for, like, 2 flippin' hours, and I just kept tellin' 'em the same thing. So finally they went away, but they say they will probally be back to talk to me again after they check things out with the other guys.

Gosh, what a shame that someone messed up Blunder's place and give him 4 flat tires and a busted window! What kind of person would do that? It makes ya wonder, don't it? The trick with the crazy glue was pretty mean too. Musta been some crazy crack addicts, that's what I figger. Or maybe it was the Cathlics, cos they don't like Bludner's church much. It could be a relijius war that is gettin' started here. I hope not. Them relijius wars can go on just about forever and can tear a flippin' commyunity apart. So I sure hope it is not that.

- Don

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: gnu
Date: 15 Apr 11 - 02:20 PM

Twarnt no Catlics. If Catlics come a callin they ain't usin no crazy glue and only after tires. They come in the knights eh. Musta been some amateur. An that won't scare the rev on accounta them kinda preachers is just screachers what are so full a holy they think they are bullet proof with Himself on their side.

I gotta hit the powerhouse and get some beers to go along with the BBQd mooooze burgers. I coulda swore I had lots a beer. Dale musta took some with on accounta if he drank the fridge dry he'd still be here. Later dudes and dudettes.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: gnu
Date: 15 Apr 11 - 03:52 PM

Talk about luck eh? I was almost up ta the powerhouse an I see the red and blues a flashin. I thought I'd hafta duck up a side street but then I seen the yella stripes got a truck pulled over so I went by slow an it was Dale's truck. He saw me an started pointin at me but the traffic was so backed up I knew the Mounted couldn't get mounted so I just tooled on up ta the powerhouse, got me beer an picked me way home on the back streets.

When I got home there was a message flashin on tha answerin machine and I checked the number on the display an it was Dale. I figger he's in shit with the Royally Mounted.

I gotta go start the BBQ. Might call him later.

I wonder how much The Rev charges for bighouse calls. Maybe there's a franchise opportunity in this on accounta there are a lotta rednecks round here just like in Uppity Canada with tha likes a Shane.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: GUEST,Don McBride
Date: 15 Apr 11 - 05:24 PM

The cops been talkin' to Doug and Lannie. Alls they got was our story which is as flippin' air tight as a 30 year old virgin. They could not find Grunt. He must of gone fishin'.

I expeckt I will be seein' Officer Dana again soon, which is okay. I like givin' her the eye, cos it pisses her off when I do that. The only trouble with her is she thinks that uniform makes her like the third flippin' rail on the 'lectric train. Untouchable. Shane has had the hots for her for like forever...but there ain't no point. He might as well dream about flyin' to the moon. Same flippin' chance of success, eh?

I guess maybe Shane got a break today, cos I can't see how Blunder is gonna drive to the lockup when he's got 4 flat tires! ;-)

- Don

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Apr 11 - 09:20 PM

I'm sure he can get a ride from one of his followers. Maybe Shame had TWO people prayin' at him today. Maybe there'll be three tomorrow.

And remember, Easter is coming. That's always good for holy rollin'. Wow...maybe they'll crucify Shame on Friday!

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: gnu
Date: 16 Apr 11 - 05:50 AM

Great Friday?

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: gnu
Date: 16 Apr 11 - 02:50 PM

If he's still in gaol tomorrow it'll defintely be Palm Sunday for him.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Apr 11 - 06:05 PM

I wonder if he still likes girls?

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: gnu
Date: 16 Apr 11 - 07:49 PM

Of course he still likes girls. Just ain't gonna be any tail for him in gaol. Gonna be on palm pilot for a while.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: GUEST,Rev. Jimmy Lee Staggers
Date: 17 Apr 11 - 09:13 AM

It is the week Our Lord suffered at the hands of the Jews and the Romans. Let this Shane McBride suffer, so that he will turn to the Lord with a humble and contrite heart, knowing in some small way what the Lord suffered for the salvation of swinish sinners like Shane McBride.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Little Hawk
Date: 17 Apr 11 - 11:42 AM

There's an inspiring thought. ;-) Yes, let's hope that his incredible suffering causes him to gnash his teeth, tear at his hair, etc. Anyone got sackcloth and ashes to send to Shane?

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: GUEST,Rapparee
Date: 17 Apr 11 - 05:56 PM

I'm sure I can dig up some ashes somewhere. They'll probably even still be hot. Give him a taste of what he's in for, eh?

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Apr 11 - 10:53 AM

The "The Salvation of Shane McBride" anything like "The Cremation of Sam Magee"?

There are strange things done in the Midnight Sun
By the men who drink cheap beer
And the Arctic trails have their secret tails
That would cause a monk to leer.
The Northern Lights have seen strange sights
But they laughed until they cried
That day in the hole of the Blind River gaol
When they salvated Shame McBride....

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Apr 11 - 02:51 PM

Good start! Let's have some more verses. ;-) Amos?

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: gnu
Date: 18 Apr 11 - 03:05 PM

You should write some LH... you know Shane better than anyone else.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Apr 11 - 10:32 AM

Now Shame McBride lived at Horton's place
Where the service's bad and slow
Why he left his home bar stool to roam
'Round a bank, God only knows!
He was likely drunk and smelled like a skunk
That had lain dead in the road a bit
Tho' he'd often say, in his homely way,
That he'd sooner "smell like s**t."

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Amos
Date: 19 Apr 11 - 10:43 AM

The Blind River dump has it share of chumps
And nerdly, low-life dorks
Men who dress like bums and use their thumbs
As a sort of back-door cork.
They are known as the worst of the Canuck kind,
The dregs of the Great Outside.
But the worst of the scum, with the longest thumb
Was that wanker, Shane McBride.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Apr 11 - 01:56 PM

Brilliant!!! ;-) Amos, you have risen once again to the apogee of the craft. Good stuff from Monsieur Rapparee as well! Ah, yes, "The Salvation of Shane McBride" promises to be a true epic. Gentlemen, you may yet win the Order of Canada if you can stretch this out to 15 or 20 verses.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: gnu
Date: 19 Apr 11 - 03:36 PM

The Order of Canada... a large double-double and a box a bits? That's what Jesus would order up ta Hortons eh. Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: josepp
Date: 19 Apr 11 - 06:02 PM

///He followed that with some filthy song about a young women, the words of which are so dreadful and obscene that I dare not repeat them////

Aw, come on!

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Apr 11 - 07:04 PM

My guess is that you have already heard that song many times in your youth, Josepp. Just think back to your junior high school days...

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Amos
Date: 19 Apr 11 - 07:18 PM

When the williwaw blows the river down
And the land is white and frozen
This fool at Horton's will be found
Bumming smokes, and dozin'

No industry in his feeble brain,
Nor virtue in his heart,
His sullen mind knows only beer,
And food, and sex, and farts.

His fingers stained with nicotine
Show nary a worker's callous
And the only work he puts them to
Is a gesture like a phallus.

He does not speak except to sneer,
Nor think except to mutter;
His life belongs nowhere but here,
Blind River's foulest gutter.

Say then a prayer for Shane McBride
And dance a blessing-dance,
For his mind will never change as long
As he keeps it in his pants.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Apr 11 - 07:43 PM

Whoo-eee!!! Your knowledge of the inner workings of Shane's consciousness (such as it is) is acute, Amos. It's true that his mind is in his pants. And in his stomach. And in the pants of any nearby female. That's a lot for a mind as tiny as Shane's to grapple with all at the same time! No wonder he gets fatigued sometimes and falls into unfortunate lapses of good judgement, such as robbing a bank as an April Fools joke.

The cops are running a pool on whether Shane or the preacher will give out first. Odds are five to one that Shane will outlast the preacher. After all, Blunder has a hopeless election campaign that he must attend to losing while Shane has 3 free meals a day and all the time in the world. Execution by being tossed into a beaver pit has long been discontinued in the Frozen North.

But...some fear that it might be re-instated if Stephen Harper (our Conservative P.M.) wins a majority this time! THEN Shane will know the meaning of fear!!! Harper wants to turn Canada into Texas North.

Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
From: gnu
Date: 19 Apr 11 - 07:52 PM

Stephen Harper minds me of an evil beaver with that smirking smile... his teeth showing just how much he will gnaw at the butt of Canada and fell it for corporations to feast on the branches and strip the forest bare.

Dam Stevie 1. I certainly hope his house gets dynamited in the election.