Cheer me up PLEASE

Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE
From: McMusic
Date: 23 Dec 98 - 01:44 AM

By God, Webby and Joe, if ya'll ain't a-cheered up by now, they ain't no a-cheerin' you up no how. I swear, I'll bet that even Charlton Heston is snickering up his 12 gauge shotgun barrel.

Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE
From: Webby
Date: 23 Dec 98 - 02:57 AM

The response from my thread has been brilliant.I think it shows just how much people care and how many comedians there are in this world. It has really cheered me up. Thanks to all and Merry Christmas.

Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE
From: Alice
Date: 23 Dec 98 - 03:39 PM

Webby, this is not exactly job related, unless you aspire to be a writer. It DID make me laugh out loud when I first read it. (I forwarded this to alison awhile back, so some of you may have already seen it.)

alice
----------

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at Southern Methodist University, English 44A, Creative Writing, Professor Miller.

In-class Assignment for Wednesday: "We will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is

simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree that a conclusion has been

reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of the students: Rebecca - last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted.

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(First paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness

was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the

question.

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Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important

things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one

sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation Seventeen," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar

orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the

direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

---------------------------------------

---------------------------------------

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychologically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards,

Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

---------------------------------------

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Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mother ship launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted

wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the

Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile

entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized

Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

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This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

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Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

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A**hole.

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B**ch.

Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE
From: Alice
Date: 23 Dec 98 - 07:00 PM

Webby, maybe you could get a job on the phone lines of tech support at the Etch-a-Sketch company... it sounds like an easy job.

alice
----------

Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support FAQ

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it

Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE
From: Alice
Date: 23 Dec 98 - 07:16 PM

Webby, in your spare time between re-writes of your resume, you can learn new songs and ponder these thoughts... or maybe even write new songs about these ponderous thoughts....

alice
----------

1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
6. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
7. I doubt, therefore I might be.
8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. A fool and his money are soon partying.
14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
20. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
21. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
22. If you're born again, do you have two belly buttons?
23. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
24. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
25. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE
From: gargoyle
Date: 24 Dec 98 - 12:40 AM

The U.S. Dept. of Census/Statistics reports that for 1997 there were only 8.8 deaths per thousand....and only half of those were from heart dieseas or cancer....that's better than the past...and the world wide trend is also down....THIS IS GOOD

The U.S. birth rate is 14.8 per thousand....so it is plainly clear that we are copulating and repopulating faster than we are deceasing and depopulating. THIS IS GOOD

Prices are dropping, crops are in surplus and the means of distribution is available....This, also, is GOOD....

We live with foods, shelter, entertainment, and luxury that would have astounded King Solomon and David in all of their glory. Is it perhaps the "Richard Cory" syndrom that makes you morose?

Get off the "pity-pot" and share in the abundance around you.

Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE
From: BSeed
Date: 24 Dec 98 - 01:11 AM

Alice, now we know what Montanans do during the long cold winter...by the way, here in sunny California we haven't seen a cloud in days, but it's verra, verra cold here. It's so dry that we don't have any frost, but the mud has been frozen for days. Of course, we're still probably 30 degrees or so warmer than you up there in Big Sky Country (or are you getting our weather?). Merry Christmas, and thanks for all the great laughs. --seed

Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE
From: Alice
Date: 24 Dec 98 - 01:31 PM

In the dark, cold days of winter, especially if you are unemployed, it will lift your spirits to tell jokes, sing songs, and .... eat chocolate.

By the way, Webby, Lucille Ball seemed to enjoy her job in a chocolate factory.... at least we enjoyed watching her work.

alice
-------

THE RULES OF CHOCOLATE

~ If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

~ Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

~ The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

~ Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

~ A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

~ If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.

~ But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

~ If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

~ If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

~ Money talks, but Chocolate sings.

~ Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

~ Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.

~ If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.

~ Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE
From: Ajaleigh
Date: 24 Dec 98 - 03:55 PM

Alice, your jokes are great!!! I love them! And boy did I need them today!

Subject: Lyr Add: OOMPA LOOMPA
From: Alice
Date: 24 Dec 98 - 05:22 PM

you're welcome. (alice eating chocolate, singing, 'oompa, loompa)
------

OOMPA LOOMPA
(From Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory)

Oompa Loompa, doompadee doo
We have a perfect puzzle for you.
Oompa Loompa, doompadee dee
If you are wise you will listen me.
What do you get when you guzzle down sweets,
Eating as much as an elephant eats?
What are you at getting terribly fat?
What do you think will come of that?
I don't like the look of it.
Oompa Loompa, doompadee dah
If you're not greedy you will go far.
You will live in happiness too
Like the Oompa Loompa doompadee do.
Doompadee do.

Oompa Loompa doompadee doo
I've got another puzzle for you.
Oompa Loompa doompadah dee
If you are wise you'll listen to me.
What do you get from a glut of T.V.?
A pain in the neck and an I.Q. of three.
Why don't you try simply reading a book?
Or could you just not bear to look?
You'll get no
You'll get no
You'll get no
You'll get no
You'll get no commercials.
Oompa Loompa Doompadee Dah
If you're not greedy you will go far.
You will live in happiness too.
Like the
Oompa
Oompa Loompa doompadee do.

Oompa Loompa doompadee doo
I've got another puzzle for you.
Oompa Loompa doompadah dee
If you are wise you will listen to me.
Who do you blame when your kid is a brat,
Pampered and spoiled like a Siamese cat?
Blaming the kids is a lion of shame.
You know exactly who's to blame:
The mother and the father.
Oompa Loompa doompadee dah
If you're not spoiled then you will go far.
You will live in happiness too
Like the Oompa Loompa doompadee do.

Oompa Loompa doompadee doo
I've got another puzzle for you. (ew ew ew ew)
Oompa Loompa doompadah dee
If you are wise you will listen to me.
Gum chewing's fine when it's once in a while.
It stops you from smoking and brightens your smile
But it's repulsive, revolting, and wrong,
Chewing and chewing all day long
The way that a cow does.
Oompa Loompa doompadee dah
Given good manners you will go far.
You will live in happiness too
Like the Oompa Loompa doompadee do.

alice in montana (home of the oompa loompas)

Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE
From: Den
Date: 24 Dec 98 - 06:18 PM

Wait a minute don't get too cheery till you hear these couple of crackers.

Two old couples are in the pub having a chat when one old guy turns to the other and says. "Tell me Paddy, hows the memory these days." "Oh grand," says Paddy, " I went to a clinic last week and it was great they taught me a bunch of techniques like word association to jog the old memory ." "What was the name of the clinic," says the friend. Paddy thinks for a minute, "It was...eh!, eh!.. what do you call the flower with the thorny stem?" "Rose," says his mate. "Right", says Paddy turning to his wife, "hey Rose what was the name of that clinic I went to last week"?

Murphy is up before the Judge. "You have heard the jury's decision Mr Murphy guilty as charged. Now in your own defence would you like to challenge any member of the Jury." Murphy thinks for a minute then says, "well your honour I believe I could take the little fella on the end,"

I hope this helps.

Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE
From: Alice
Date: 24 Dec 98 - 08:10 PM

... and if you get really bored during your term of unemployement (or just trying to amuse yourself with the internet) you can write your own Alanis Morissette song, by clicking here.

Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE
From: Art Thieme
Date: 24 Dec 98 - 09:06 PM

Mahatma Gandhi had very tough feet from walking barefoot all those years. He was also a holy man on his own mystical search & rarely got enough to eat in his travels. As a result, he was rather emaciated. His diet also gave him terrible breath.

He was a super-calloused, fragile mystic, cursed with halitosis.

And NOW----you MUST pick a winner---or at least tell us who might've cheered ya up a bit. Here's to an unimpeachably fine New Year!!!!!!!!!

Art

Subject: RE: Beer me up PLEASE
From: Art Thieme
Date: 24 Dec 98 - 09:15 PM

Alice & everyone----Sorry to post that for yet another time. Someone just told it to me this week. Stuff travels fast on this web of birdsong.

Tonight is Christmas eve & visions o' sugarplums dance in my head! Must be the Glenlivet!

Art

Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE
From: McMusic
Date: 24 Dec 98 - 09:34 PM

Art, Can only say that you have rendered it a no contest decision. That last would be VERY hard to top. Fleas Navidad

Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE
From: dwditty
Date: 25 Dec 98 - 01:26 PM

A guy stands up in a bar and yells, "All lawyers are assholes."
A second guy stands up and yells, "Hey, I resent that."
The first guy says, "Why are you a lawyer?"
The second guy says, "No, I'm an asshole."

Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE
From: Alice
Date: 25 Dec 98 - 04:43 PM

Topped? well, I don't know, McMusic, I posted the Ghandi joke on this thread on Dec 16. But, it's a good one, so worth telling twice, Art.

alice

Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE
From: Alice
Date: 25 Dec 98 - 05:12 PM

Well, this thread IS getting a bit cumbersome, although it is only 10 days old. It is so long, it's difficult to remember all that have been written. Here is another to assist in all of your literary efforts.

alice
------

Rules for Writers...
1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.
Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed. 32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
36. The biggest mistake inexperienced writers make is to write in run on sentences that just go on, and on, never getting to the point, with endless repetition of commas, or tediously belaboring the idea until the reader is so sick of the concept being put forth that they tire of reading ....oh, well you get what I mean, it's kind of like this discussion thread, in which we have copied and pasted emails from our joke folders and begged our sons and daughters to tell again the punchlines we have forgotten, and yet it has all been fun and probably has provided a bit of cheer to everyone who has read it, except, of course the people who may be merely annoyed by it all.

Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE
From: McMusic
Date: 27 Dec 98 - 03:19 AM

Alice, Sorry about not giving credit where credit is due. So many additions were made to this thread that I got lazy and skimmed 'em--and that's what I get for doing that! I WILL try and be more careful in the future (I swear I will). Peace.

Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE
From: Alice
Date: 22 May 99 - 11:02 AM

refresh.... to inspire the Irony and Humor thread
;->
alice in montana

Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE
From: John Hindsill
Date: 22 May 99 - 11:56 AM

Alice - I just read your Rules for Writers; they put me in remembrance of the following true story:

My son was in the 7th grade and was assign a year long project on the history, geography, etc. of Greece. One evening early on he came to me and wanted me to read his preliminary draft of the first page. It went something like this--

Greece is a very old country in southern Europe sticking out into the Mediterranean Sea and it is a pennisula and it is made up of many islands whichic have a lot of mountains and on and on to the middle of the page (period). The people of Greece came from whereever they came from and settled into various communities which became city-states which did whatever they did to the bottom of the page (period).

Lovingly, and in my most paternal mode, I tried to explain how he had a lot of good ideas, here, but they needed to be separated with commas, semicolons and a few more periods. I also suggested that he, perhaps, had 3 or 4 paragraphs instead of 2 long sentences. He, just on the brink of teen-agedness was upset, and told me that he wrote like that all the time, and the teacher never complained [that's a whole 'nother story].

The next day I bought an English diagnostic test for him. He was required to do the work in any section he did not pass.

Flash forward 10 years; he graduated college 'magna cum laude', PBK. He had started as an English major, but degreeed in Philosophy.

Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE
From: LEJ
Date: 22 May 99 - 02:54 PM

From the time my daughter was about 6 months old I would always read her a bedtime story. One night when she was about 3 1/2, she said "No, Daddy. I want to read YOU a bedtime story!" So I got in bed, she pulled up a chair and opened up the book of fairy tales. She settled back, stared at the book for about 30 seconds, gave me a sad and embarrassed look and said "actually, I can't read."

Though it struck me as funny at the time, I also realized how badly she wanted to read. We went through the Hooked on Phonics program, and I had her reading at age 4.

Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE
From: Richard Bridge
Date: 23 May 99 - 03:33 AM

1. Told to me by the drummer (who is dyslexic) in my daughter's band: -

"Old MacDonald was dyslexic/ I O I O E"

2. Has anyone got that wonderful list of the 50 (or was it 30) worst country and western song titles of all time? I used to have it but it got lost. It had, for example

"Drop kick me Jesus through the goalposts of life"; and "Take your tongue out my mouth 'cos I'm kissing you goodbye".

Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE
From: Tony Burns
Date: 23 May 99 - 11:10 AM

I don't have the list you're looking for Richard but it reminded me of the list below. I 'borrowed' it from the web somewhere. It might even have been from Mudcat.

Fifteen Best Jewish Country-Western Song Titles

1. "I Was One of the Chosen People ('Til She Chose Somebody Else)"

2. "Honkey Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights"

3. "I've Got My Foot On The Glass, Where Are You? "

4. "My Rowdy Friend Elijah's Comin' Over Tonight"

5. "New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament"

6. "Stand by Your Mensch"

7. "Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes"

8. "I Balanced Your Books, but You're Breaking My Heart"

9. "My Darlin's a Schmendrick and I'm All Verklempt"

10. "That Shiksa Done Made off with My Heart Like a Goniff"

11. "The Second Time She Said 'Shalom', I Knew She Meant 'Goodbye'"

12. "You're the Lox My Bagel's Been Missin'"

13. "You Been Talkin' Hebrew in Your Sleep Since that Rabbi Came to Town"

14. "Why Don't We Get Drunk - We're Jews!"

15. "Mamas Don't Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys (When They Could Very Easily Have Just Taken Over the Family Hardware Business that My Own Grandfather Broke His Back to Start and My Father Sweated Over for Years Which Apparently Doesn't Mean Anything Now That You're Turning Your Back on Such a Gift)"

Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE
From: Mark Clark
Date: 23 May 99 - 08:19 PM

Finally someone has a proof!

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*

"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

1. Knowledge is Power. 2. Time is Money.

As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time

Since Knowledge = Power and Time = Money then Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*

The corrilary is that Webby is very smart indeed.

- Mark

Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE
From: Don Meixner
Date: 23 May 99 - 09:56 PM

1: God is love

2: Love is blind

3: Ray Charles is blind

4: Ray Charles is God.

Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 23 May 99 - 10:07 PM

To do is to be - Descartes

To be is to do - Neitzche

Do be do be do - Sinatra

Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 23 May 99 - 11:19 PM

Consider me cheered up. (cheap way to re-fresh)

Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE
From: manylodges (inactive)
Date: 24 May 99 - 11:45 PM

One must never become and expert. An X is an unknown mathmatical symble, a spirt is a drip under presure. There for an expert is an unkown mathmatical drip under presure.

ha!