BS: Triage, or 'where am I'

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: Stim
Date: 21 Apr 16 - 11:51 AM

Wasn't able to post, owning to my former status as "GUEST,Stim", Keberoxu, but I've had a sense of your mental condition since your original post, and have been holding you in the Light.

Though it isn't always obvious, most of us here are "creatives" of one kind or another (performers, musicians, writers, poets, teachers, et al) and part of that is that we often/usually/always have a predisposition to journey into the dark realms. As The Snail says, "Been there, done that...things will get better". I hope you can hold on to that, and never let it go.

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: mg
Date: 21 Apr 16 - 02:46 PM

strengthen yourself physically as you go through this. remember the s in ptsd is stress and there are things that can reduce stress...one is going barefoot in the grass..reduces cortisol by 50% I have read..barefoot on sand. get sun in your face and your eyes..not blazing but some. drink lots of water. eat fish. drink herbal tea like chamomile. get some lavendar oil or bath products from real lavendar...lots of small things can help. don't skimp on healthy fats..butter, avocado, coconut oil, olive oil.

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: keberoxu
Date: 21 Apr 16 - 03:33 PM

Wow, look at all this. Thanks, one and all.

You know what makes my day, though. It's the admission that one person who was a guest went from guest status to full membership, and can now join the rest of us. Not that my threads and posts have anything to do with it; but after the commotion that prompted my original post here, this is a welcome, positive, constructive thing.

The other thing about me is that I am not a dog. I am a beast, and make no mistake about that, but I am not a dog -- just a different species of critter. Pack behavior is something I observe without an insider's, well, insight. And I do think of those members whose posts attract each other in bristling, growling clumps as acting out pack behavior. I have to remind myself about the old bark-versus-bite saying. The generation of beasts that raised me, they actually bit. But then, they weren't dogs either.

Today, my family of origin is still a family but they are not my family and I am not one of them. I would be in Dog-knows-how-much-worse shape had I stayed in their predator-territory. I have slowly gotten better; some of them, from my childhood, have slowly gotten worse. It can be the saddest thing in the world to be proven correct, it turns out.

Thanks again for the encouragement, solidarity, and helpful hints!

Oh I almost forgot. How many of you know that the writer known as James Herriot suffered badly from depression? At one point he required ECT -- Dog forbid I ever have to resort to that.

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: keberoxu
Date: 30 Apr 16 - 01:15 PM

Yesterday my repeated attempts to go to the Mudcat Cafe on a public computer met with failure. Was that just me?

I missed you people the way I miss fresh air.

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: Senoufou
Date: 30 Apr 16 - 02:35 PM

No, it wasn't just you keberoxu, I too tried quite a few times and it wouldn't come up. Strangely, I tried with one of those 'Is it offline?' sites, and it said it was actually 'on', so I assumed it was my little laptop at fault. I'm hopelessly inept with technology, but like you, I missed being able to read the posts.
I do hope you're feeling well today, and coping.
Best wishes to you!
Eliza

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: Backwoodsman
Date: 30 Apr 16 - 03:45 PM

Happens quite a lot - I guess when the back-office are doing 'Stuff'. Be patient, it always comes back..........eventually! 👍

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: Pete from seven stars link
Date: 30 Apr 16 - 05:27 PM

Only just found this thread, and what with down times on the cat ,and being formerly a guest....... Don't think I will add anything at present, except there have been some honest, thoughtful, sensitive posts within this thread.

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Apr 16 - 10:12 PM

Keberoxu, Regarding your initial post.

The noisy argumentative family can also be viewed as a fun Jewish family like Woody Allen's family who lived under a roller coaster or my family in suburbia.

I was just talking about how you can't talk people out of what their hearts want. You also can't change innate hardwiring of the brain that much. I didn't hear my own language disability but I sure got a lot of criticism for being lazy. I knew I perceived nuance, secrets   and detail in my world but often became defensive trying to prove intelligence despite my expression of the world.

What I did have was a repurposed angular gyrus in the brain in which I slowly converted from visual to additional verbal application.

Being different in this way often made me the other, not of this tribe or as some here have said " a portentous feckless prognosticator with too much time on his hands who would do anything to achieve obscurity". Certainly the critique is all very clever and possibly true but it is the hand I was dealt in my lifetime and should not be a bother or effective steeping stone to anyone else.

I no longer lead a competitive or defensive life. As long as I remain honest in describing ideas that seem valid to me, it is up to others to ignore, reject, explore or agree with my non linear propositions.
Who cares, joke em if they can't take a fuck.

As you might imagine I've had some incredible "being there" or Forrest Gump moments with the CIA, FBI,Naval Intelligence, Jesuit Church, and other organizations that have tendencies to see boogeymen or genius' where there might not be anything. These are the best stories I have to tell.

So keberoxu The more honest you become, the more similarities people will see they have with you. And for the remaining differences, vivre la difference.

We will all be bags of silent dust soon enough as it is anyway

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Apr 16 - 10:54 PM

Take all the sustenance you need from mudcat but as strange as it sounds you will know you are getting better when you find you don't need to use it all the time. Not checking in for long stretches in time means that your life is becoming more varied and interesting.

When you do spend time here it will be more for fun and comraderies than just a need for support.

So enjoy, the water here is fine and less critical than most social media owing to the efforts of Joe Offer and Max.

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Apr 16 - 11:27 PM

The most valid post here might be from mg regarding exercise.

My son is depressed. It is a matter of becoming caught in an unhelpful and inactive pattern. This pattern is finally getting reversed with "offline" walks in the park.

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: keberoxu
Date: 01 May 16 - 02:57 PM

With all due respect:
steeping stone? Is this for ceremonial tea making??

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: Donuel
Date: 01 May 16 - 09:03 PM

Sounds tasty but stepping stone was my intention. You sound like a young man so don't listen to me. I've already started to circle the wagons and shut down the reactor. The only new thing I started to do is learn to play the mandolin but the picking rolls and cross picking is hard to do for a stupid right hand. I hope practice will do the trick someday. It happened for my left hand like night and day one morning. From feeling lost it suddenly was directly connected to any melody I was able to hear mentally.

Do you play?

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: keberoxu
Date: 02 May 16 - 05:40 PM

Before I stopped, I was a long-time piano student, many years of formal study. I don't miss the piano; I am most grateful that I learned music theory and became literate, able to read (most though not all) printed music through studying piano. Also sang in choruses.

Your description of me is flattering considering what I really am, so I will just grin and let it pass!

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: keberoxu
Date: 03 May 16 - 08:49 PM

I had an experience, researching a genre of recorded music for a Mudcat thread above the line, that turned into a trigger. An "opportunity for learning and growth" as they used to say. Edifying, certainly.

There I was listening to a compact disc from Gael Linn, and a song track recorded around 1960 for a vinyl album promoting the Gael Linn Cabaret which took musical performers to various venues in Ireland, some outside of Dublin. It was the fourth song on the album, and I was unprepared for the sound of it. After all, it was preceded by Máire Ní Scolaí, singing sean-nós in the recording studio as no doubt she sang it on RTE broadcasts. Within her own technical style, Ní Scolaí was an artist of restrained good taste, and never went for the cheap gesture.

Then a piano loudly played an introduction, and a Gaelic lyric -- it turns out to be an Irish Jacobite personification of Éire as Bonnie Prince Charlie's forsaken, faithful sweetheart -- was trumpeted forth by a soprano who, as I have posted elsewhere, sounded like a cross between Victor Herbert operetta and Wagnerian opera. Not a singer myself, I was however trained and schooled as a pianist who specialized in accompanying students of teachers of classical singing at the university/conservatory level, and this sound of voice and piano, so desperately European sounding, took me back to my student days.

I was forcibly reminded how I just merged with my studies, my repertoire, and everything that goes with that tradition, as a young student, and how unable I was to perceive that said tradition came from a century and an era that is over and done with. Two World Wars have made irreversible changes in the Europe from which this musical tradition came. While there are those who preserve what remains of the tradition, and people with deep pockets who sponsor said preservation, it is not really a healthy environment for a young artist to live and grow in. Of course I benefited from my efforts there, but I lament how mindless I was and how blinded to the impracticality of that whole way of life; I don't make that kind of music anymore, nor have done for many years. This public computer is about to kick me off, so good night, everybody.

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: keberoxu
Date: 14 May 16 - 07:35 PM

Classical music was a godsend for me when I was young, repressed, introverted, and needed a formal education. Devoting myself to a discipline outside of formal schooling would have greatly frightened me back then; the structure and order of academia compensated greatly for my own insecurities. The last thing I could see myself doing was after-hours entertaining in public places for money, and I left that to the professionals -- it was years I spent alternating between the university practice rooms and the library stacks. I remember that I was afraid to come out of my safe zone when my formal education was completed.

My curriculum vitae actually supplies the kind of academic credentials with which to teach as I was taught. As investments go, I could have made worse ones. It kept me off the streets. And yet, once I got to grips with myself, got some much-needed counseling and professional help, and considered the matter over again, I found that the last thing I wanted to do was to teach what I had been taught, how I had been taught, where I had been taught.

Not so many years ago, I found myself driving a car, back in the city with my alma mater, from which I had been away for decades. I took the risk of driving my car in broad daylight down the avenue along which the university campus mostly stretches itself out, taking me past the buildings with the practice rooms, the faculty studios, the auditoriums, and the libraries, seeing them for the first time in many years. I nearly had to stop driving from the shock of the triggered emotions inside; nothing distracting outside, driving conditions were quite safe. What welled up and overflowed in me was a great mess of emotion between anxiety and panic. I had to talk myself down, to reassure myself that my experience in this place was all over now, it was finished, in the past, and I need never be confined again doing what I did before.

It won't surprise anybody that I stay away from reunions....

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: Senoufou
Date: 15 May 16 - 03:56 AM

keberoxu, your last post brought tears to my eyes, it was so sad. You were like a wild bird in a luxurious but imprisoning cage.

I can relate to some of your emotions, as I too clung to academia, being too insecure (and much younger than my fellow University students) to dare to pursue the life I really wanted. Teaching paid the mortgage and gave me much-treasured independence, but it wasn't my 'true love' at all.

It can be very hard to live as an adult carrying sadness and regret from one's early years around. The struggle can become overwhelming at times. I do feel for you, and hope you can find strength and peace in your present life.

Thinking of you.
Eliza

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: keberoxu
Date: 15 May 16 - 04:19 PM

This moment is not a good one to take the time and say more, but thanks, Eliza, for responding. Thanks everybody.

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: keberoxu
Date: 16 May 16 - 08:37 AM

For this post, it did occur to me to start a new thread in music; then on second thought, decided to leave the post in this thread. An earlier post mentioned that a compact disc was playing, the tune was Gaelic, but the soprano and pianist were performing an arrangement that turned it into a companion for arias and art songs; and hearing it triggered recall of the unhappiness of my student years in classical music.

I had the good fortune to audition for and be accepted into a summer program where young musicians became apprentices at a working opera house, I won't say which one. Sounds unusual for an introvert, but I was a keyboard player, not a singer/actor, and it's possible to work in that very intense drama atmosphere behind the scenes and still be un-dramatic, many musicians do. That summer propelled me out of classical music altogether which was actually a positive thing. Firstly, I needed professional help and needed to stop over-working and stuffing my feelings. Secondly, I needed to face facts about the classical music patronage in the good old U.S. People with deep pockets keep the system going, and being sponsored by the wealthy and power-hoarding contributors makes for an unhealthy situation. Sure you get the attention given the hothouse plant that would not survive outside, so you don't lack for care and comforts; but where is everybody? you know? These aren't my people here.

I'm going somewhere with this, but I have to post this and come back later. Thanks for listening.

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: keberoxu
Date: 16 May 16 - 09:55 AM

That summer at the opera house, I got the work done, but I did not fit in. There was only one maestro, who required a pianist because his instrument was not piano, for whom I could leave my troubles outside the door and feel safe and secure with him in charge. He was an Italian old enough to have lived through the second World War in his native Italy, and a seasoned enough musician (orchestra) to know what Italy lost in culture in the postwar era. I can still hear him opinionating, "Mozart is Italian, and Georg Solti should leave him alone!" He was impassioned and unchangeable, and I remember the staff who cared for the apprentices, taking me aside and cautioning me that he would tear me to pieces; also another staff member who met him earlier, whispering to us apprentices: "Insane, certifiably insane, don't believe a word he says." This was a maestro who was reknowned in opera houses all over the world, not a celebrity but within the actual closed circles of the musicians his name was golden. And the American staff cheerfully drew up a contract with him, squeezed out of him what culture they could extract, and otherwise disregarded him as an alien species of creature.

If the maestro was insane, then so was I. He and I established an immediate rapport, and I joined him in his inner world of words and music, sailing along on the gusts of wind with which he flew from one operatic topic to another unencumbered by logic or rational thought, while the other apprentices stared at the two of us. Paradoxically, the more I felt at home in his company, the more I was convinced that I didn't belong in a system that patronized him without respecting him. Since then, he has lived out his life span and died in his native Italy; I got out of classical music and have not regretted doing so, because my attention was better devoted to getting healthy than to getting ahead and adding more lines and pages to the resume. In fact my resume pretty much died the death, as far as the music business goes. The people who knew me back then won't speak to me now, and I understand only too well: I was full of hostility and resentment, not a well person, and not a good colleague, even if I was a biddable student and subordinate on the job.

Sorry, once again I have to stop. Thanks for listening.

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: keberoxu
Date: 30 May 16 - 08:51 PM

When this thread was started, there had just been a policy change in the BS section, and I was still smarting from the distress of the circumstances that led to that policy change, mostly from the old "unfinished business" that the distress brought up.

Today a different thread, by a different member, was started in the BS section, which could never have been risked as long as that free-for-all riskiness from before was permitted. It was a pleasure to queue up for posting on that new thread, and to see others with their hearts in sympathetic vibration. I hope that said thread -- the readers who pay attention, you know which thread I mean -- prospers and supports all of us members who have risks to take.

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: keberoxu
Date: 05 Jun 16 - 06:44 PM

Where am I? In a moving spiral of some kind. Not a flat spin on a circle as near as I can tell, but a spiral, that is a return on one plane but is beyond the earlier point at the same time. This thread was started because of emotions that wanted attention but were not easy to put into words.

More recently what has needed attention is my aching heart. Between the heartache and the open air, there are defenses, grudges, attitudes, places of hardness which absorb vibrations and striking blows. I guess the hard places are there for a reason, and it is not a question of going without them in life, they have to be lived with. It hurts so badly under the hardness of heart. I have to give the hurting heart permission to live, to breathe, to pulse, even though I don't want to feel the hurt. If I want to feel my heart, I have to feel my hurt. I wish I could just put the hurt to sleep, but then my heart would stop.

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: frogprince
Date: 05 Jun 16 - 06:59 PM

Keberoxu: just this much: In reading your various posts, I'm getting you as a very thoughtful person whom I would be happy to think of as a friend, and I'm quite sure that I'm not alone in that here.

                   Dean

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: Donuel
Date: 06 Jun 16 - 12:41 AM

I just had a no good very bad terribly horrible dream. President Trump as of Jan. 24 2017 had still not finished establishing his cabinet so he was running executive branch communications mostly via Twitter. Without having named the Secretary of State, Defense or Attorney General embarrassing delays were mounting still a few appointments were made such as;

Lance Armstrong   Ambassador to France
Carl Icahn       Dept. Treasury
Martin Skhreli   Dept. Weights and Measures
Daniel H Mudd    Fannie Mae
Bernard Madoff   SEC
Chris Christy    Ambassador to Bangladesh
Rush Limbaugh    FCC
Steve Wynn       FAA
George Zimmerman HUD
Bob Jones       UN Ambassador      
Wayne La Pierre Education Dept.
Joe Arpaio       Federal Corrections
Ivanka Trump    Chief of Staff
Cliven Bundy    Dept. Interior
David Koch       Minister of Propaganda
James Inhoff    Science advisor

Responding to a segment on the news show 60 minutes, Donald decided to send out a twitter declaring who could get an exception to the Muslim ban. Perhaps owing to enthusiasm Donald included a colored emoticon of an Arab and what he thought was the dome of a Mosque for the Saudi Ambassador.

Despite being new and improved Twitter was never meant for diplomacy. Saudi Arabia forwarded the tweet to every Muslim nation including the picture of Mohammed followed by a steaming dog turd.

After one thing led to another most people called the limited nuclear exchange that cost 29 million lives WW III, other people called it the emoticon war.

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: Donuel
Date: 06 Jun 16 - 06:22 AM

I just had a no good very bad terribly horrible dream. President Trump as of Jan. 24 2017 had still not finished establishing his cabinet so he was running executive branch communications mostly via Twitter. Without having named the Secretary of State, Defense or Attorney General embarrassing delays were mounting still a few appointments were made such as;

Lance Armstrong   Ambassador to France
Carl Icahn       Dept. Treasury
Martin Skhreli   Dept. Weights and Measures
Daniel H Mudd    Fannie Mae
Bernard Madoff   SEC
Chris Christy    Ambassador to Bangladesh
Rush Limbaugh    FCC
Steve Wynn       FAA
George Zimmerman HUD
Bob Jones       UN Ambassador      
Wayne La Pierre Education Dept.
Joe Arpaio       Federal Corrections
Ivanka Trump    Chief of Staff
Cliven Bundy    Dept. Interior
David Koch       Minister of Propaganda
James Inhoff    Science advisor

Responding to a segment on the news show 60 minutes, Donald decided to send out a twitter declaring who could get an exception to the Muslim ban. Perhaps owing to enthusiasm Donald included a colored emoticon of an Arab and what he thought was the dome of a Mosque for the Saudi Ambassador.

Despite being new and improved Twitter was never meant for diplomacy. Saudi Arabia forwarded the tweet to every Muslim nation including the picture of Mohammed followed by a steaming dog turd.

After one thing led to another most people called the limited nuclear exchange that cost 29 million lives WW III, other people called it the emoticon war.

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: Donuel
Date: 06 Jun 16 - 07:21 AM

Sorry keboroxu, It appears I have made a record 3 errors in one inning.

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: keberoxu
Date: 06 Jun 16 - 01:47 PM

With all due respect, that post would be at home -- maybe more so -- in the "He's in the way of ME" a/k/a "hot mess of a thread" thread.

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: keberoxu
Date: 06 Jun 16 - 04:57 PM

Dean / frogprince, many thanks, deeply appreciated.

I have done some wicked, hurtful, despicable, cruel things in life, with irreversible consequences, and I feel the need to be big enough to face and confront my accountability, to be reconciled with my conscience. And this is where I encounter the part of me that does not want to grow up and be responsible, that would rather stay defensive and hold onto the hard grudging attitude. It seems that the peaceable way through this, is to maintain and support my own awareness of this inner conflict, and, instead of resisting or even pushing further, to breathe through the tension and the hurt and to stay present, while letting a grace greater than my own forces do what such grace has the power to do. This is sufficient effort to keep me awake at night, and yet it has to be done -- at least, it has to be attempted, in something like good faith that there is a way through. Thanks for listening.

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: Andrez
Date: 06 Jun 16 - 08:16 PM

Just reflecting on the post above K and get what you are saying….. don't need any more details there. That said, I'd like to share for what its worth a small Haiku once written for me by a long since ex-girlfriend. If it makes some connection, thats fine. If not thats fine too.

Hush!
Don't let your word song
Drown the symphony of your being.


Thanks for your sharing in this thread anyway.

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: keberoxu
Date: 30 Jun 16 - 03:45 PM

"Going Postal" by Terry Pratchett was a recent read for me, and a lot of you know your Discworld and your Pratchett books very well, better than I know them (it was you folks, after all, who introduced me to Pratchett in the first place).

I see a lot of myself in "Moist Von Lipwig." This pleases me very little. It makes me feel like something that crawled out from under a rock. Oh, do squash me altogether and put me out of my misery already.

It is not difficult to connect this to the original post on this thread. A mind that changes, a point of view that changes, with the prevailing wind, is one adaptation to growing up in a household that was a sort of verbal combat zone. It is a non-violent way of coping with something unmanageable. Non-violent it was intended to be, and yet I have done irreversible wrongs because I acted from a place without a moral or ethical center; people have gotten harmed and hurt. This is very hard to breathe through, but I must do.

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: keberoxu
Date: 01 Jul 16 - 01:06 PM

Humor does something to soothe and relax me, so the more Terry Pratchett makes me laugh at my own shortcomings, the better. Humor releases the hold I have on my breath, trying not to break anything. Humor puts my desires and my dreams in their proper place, an antidote to the disturbed condition in which I prefer my desires and my dreams to what is real and authentic. Humor broadens and lightens a world of depression which is narrow, heavy, and dark. Thanks for listening.

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 01 Jul 16 - 01:48 PM

The Cat doesn't change nearly as much as some people think. It goes through stormy patches every now and then, with a few pests messing up the place, but there's a kind of cycle to these things.

Some people who provided a great quality to the place have drifted away, or in some cases died - I think especially of people like Rick Fielding, and katlaughing and Catspaw - and I miss them. But the Cat always comes back, and long may it do so.

Anonymous guests, I don't miss. One change might be worth thinking of, if there really are people who don't want to register because they are scared of getting nasty PMs - maybe there should be an option to opt out of getting PMs. But I can't say I've had a problem, and I've been coming here on and off for many years, and got in a good few heated arguments. (Though I don't think I've ever been abusive and hope I never will.)

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: Senoufou
Date: 01 Jul 16 - 03:38 PM

keberoxu, It seems you were very damaged when young by a toxic and abusive environment at home. Believe me, I can totally relate to that, and understand completely how much such a beginning damages much of one's inner being. Your self-defence mechanisms which you developed then are very hard to dismantle. And they do indeed cause one to act as an adult in strange and sometimes even immoral ways.

I do hope you don't spend too long blaming yourself or going over and over your deeds. None of what you suffered was your fault. And you have survived in spite of it; you seem to me to be wonderfully aware and thoughtful, not to mention brave in your attempts to come to terms with it all.
I just wanted to post on here in the hope of sending you some encouragement and good wishes. I have found that there are many lovely people in the world, and that peace can be found when one reaches out to others.

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: keberoxu
Date: 02 Jul 16 - 08:38 PM

I don't have anything new or different to offer today. Thanks everyone for listening and responding. Stay safe during the holiday weekend foolishness.

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: frogprince
Date: 03 Jul 16 - 02:15 PM

Just don't do UNSAFE foolish things over the holiday! : )

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: keberoxu
Date: 03 Jul 16 - 02:29 PM

Agreed, frogprince. Be careful out there, everybody.

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: keberoxu
Date: 23 Jul 16 - 05:01 PM

Sometimes, the body is wiser than the emotions and the mind, and speaks more directly, when I ask myself, "where am I?"

I find that my body's posture has changed for the activity of dream sleep, literally so. It used to be that the only way to sleep soundly enough to get to the dream state, was to turn onto my stomach, but with my shoulders turned to the side, both arms to one side curled up protectively near the face, and the legs in a sort of curled crouch. I think "protective" is the key word there. This obtained, every night, at the beginning of this calendar year, and much of the spring.

Now, when I awake from dream sleep, I find myself on my back, with my legs straight, my arms somewhere near my shoulders with the chest opened out, and my head at an angle where the air flow is calm and free.

Mind you, my dreams are batshit crazy, more often than not, like all the trash getting cleared out or something. But it is important to note how I wake up from them. I believe my body is trying to tell me that I feel safer on the inside than I used to do.

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: keberoxu
Date: 24 Jul 16 - 05:49 PM

Thanks, Janie, for the PM: it is kind and sweet of you.

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: keberoxu
Date: 06 Aug 16 - 08:16 PM

The rage is moving to the surface. I dread a volcanic eruption. Trying to encourage, within, an openness to letting go gradually and easily. Of course it is tedious to let things release a little at a time, but it is a lot less violent that way.

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: keberoxu
Date: 07 Aug 16 - 04:35 PM

What's odd is that the closer the rage comes to the surface, the touchier I am not only about expressing it, but also about listening to others vent. Sensitivity should not be difficult to interpret; but when layers of defenses are in place, they complicate everything.

There was something else to say and it just went poof! in my mind. Never mind, it always comes back eventually....but if I tense myself up concentrating on finding it, that is the surest way to shut it down and block it off. So, better let go for now.

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: Senoufou
Date: 07 Aug 16 - 04:52 PM

keberoxu, you sound very poorly and stressed. I'm so sorry you're struggling like this. What do you think might happen if this rage did actually erupt? Would it cause some sort of crisis?
I'm wondering if you have found any sort of calming medication helps at these times. Maybe a visit to your doctor might provide you with advice and help?
Look after yourself.
Eliza

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: keberoxu
Date: 07 Aug 16 - 05:06 PM

Softly, softly, Eliza! Your concern is very much appreciated.

My temper, though, is not the fiery sort, however it feels on the inside. The worst that I dread, in truth, is the way that my anger turns back on itself inside of me, so I am thinking more in terms of my body suddenly expressing itself in symptoms of illness. I don't do the obvious pathologies that are so notorious, like starving, binging/purging, cutting, and so on. Never needed hospitalization for mental issues -- I get that question often enough, the answer is negative.

No, the bigger recurring dilemma for me is that my behavior is like somebody under observation/surveillance, any spontaneous self-expression is pretty much squashed and shut down. This of course is unhealthy, even if it helps me cope in the short run. Deep sigh.

Anyway, thanks for your concern.

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: Senoufou
Date: 07 Aug 16 - 05:29 PM

I hope you didn't think I was implying that you have mental health problems keberoxu. It's just that your distress comes across in your posts, and I was musing about what might help you.
I think the fact you suppress any spontaneous self-expression is a result of being over-controlled as a child (I think you've mentioned this)
Such ingrained behaviours are very hard to modify, but as you say, the result is an inner anger which simmers away and causes reactions in physical health. Is there any way you could let out all this in a safe environment? Vigorous sport, the gym, writing down your pain in poetry or autobiographical notes for example? It would be like lifting the lid off the pot for a bit and letting the steam out!

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Aug 16 - 05:14 PM

I don't know a soul who has not suffered.
Not that I'm good at it but I hear the trick is to not mind that it hurts.

What if there is a person who is conditioned to feel embarrassed far too often. Every time they feel a cringe worthy moment they react to it with a self rage.

What if they instead react with a 'so what no body's perfect'?

That seems like a realistic way to relax and forgive one's self.

A person without a self conscious or empathy is a social psychopath who is not inherently dangerous , they just don't care enough to have a cringe worthy moment. They would think that others are just pawns to manipulate.

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: Senoufou
Date: 08 Aug 16 - 05:45 PM

It's true that nearly everybody has known suffering and distress. But sometimes such feelings start to dominate one's life and can't easily be dealt with by trying not to mind.
However, as an oldie, I can say that age brings a certain acceptance. You learn to live with yourself and to be kind about your own shortcomings. Also, I've found that turning one's thoughts towards others and their difficulties is a tremendous way to heal. If one has experience of suffering, one is in a good position to support and help other people in their low moments.
I have a dear friend who is a Samaritan, and she tells me many of her fellow volunteers have been through very bad times, and can empathise well with callers because of this.

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: keberoxu
Date: 08 Aug 16 - 05:57 PM

Coming to terms with inner conflict includes accepting the possibility that some parts of me will always be in conflict with each other. So I have to regard myself with a sense of responsibility, as in: There is a part of me that is not to be denied, and at the same time, that part of me is not to be trusted. I have to be my own protective parent in that respect. This is becoming a practice that must be applied several times a day, every day.

Subject: RE: BS: 'where am I'
From: keberoxu
Date: 15 Aug 16 - 04:41 PM

It was in a post on this thread, looks like the date was 21 April 2016, when I referred to the non-music threads at Mudcat which attract argumentative posts in "bristling, growling clumps" and demonstrate dogpack-behavior fighting for dominance in some debate-minded Mudcat members. That continues as ever, you don't have to look far in the non-music section to find threads dominated by groups of posts that answer to that description.

I want to unburden myself regarding my heartache, and I must proceed with great care since it concerns a specific Mudcat member who has only my best wishes and respectful regards. Therefore, there are questions about this member, one of the sources of consistent argument/debate in non-music threads, which I must decline to answer. No, I am not going to say whether this Mudcat member has a concealing name, like mine, or has a member-name corresponding to her/his real name. No, I am not going to specify whether this member's position concerns government or economics or religion or arms-trafficking or ethnicityslashimmigration or what have you. It would expose too much to do so, and I refuse to subject this fellow Mudcatter to that level of scrutiny.

After all, when this fellow member and I exchanged posts -- not Private Messages, mind you, posts -- on a thread in the non-music section, the topic was nowhere near that list of inflammatory subjects in the previous paragraph. No, the topic, being non-music, concerned literature, books, and adaptations to the screen, both cinematic and television/radio broadcasts. So while we were not discussing music, we were discussing art and performance, of a specialty about which I am largely ignorant and about which this other Mudcat member know a great deal indeed.

With the individual who shared experience, literacy, study, appreciation, and a wry wit, I would be pleased -- no, honored -- to pass the time; I would consider the person good company, and I would be happy to continue the conversation. Of course, we have never seen each other face to face, nor heard each other's voices.

But I assure you, were I to identify the person with nothing more than the member name to the rest of the people reading this thread, your collective responses would be knee-jerk, emotional, polarizing, defensive. Maybe there are some other members here who know, and cherish, the non-controversial side of this Mudcat member, but I have no idea which ones you are or how to connect with you.

Yes, I know that this particular leopard will not change her/his spots any time soon. It isn't a question of changing the behaviors of this other person. I just feel sad and sorry that there is a whole lyric and literature loving side to this person, wholly non-controversial and having many things in common with the rest of the membership, and that side of that individual is so scarcely available for me, or the rest of us, to respond to. I feel very badly about it, that's all.

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: keberoxu
Date: 27 Sep 16 - 05:46 PM

There is a further sign that my armor and my defenses are becoming more moderate and less protective. Earlier post updates have noted bodily changes during sleep, a shift in sleep positions and how the shift suggests a progress from highly defensive to more relaxed.

Little was noted in past posts about dreams, and for at least one unhappy reason. At my current level of clinical depression, my dream-sleep activity has been seriously interfered with, and the interference has shown up in several specific ways. For a period of months, my nightly dream-sleep was as minimal as could be, suggesting a state of hyper-vigilance. Literally there was precious little dreaming, little time given to dreams, regardless of scheduled bed-time or other sleep hygiene. Then there was a period of months during which the nightly dreaming was barely available for recall; I could sense from my maintained health that I was getting sleep, and having dreams, but every conscious effort to recall my dreams met with heavy resistance. This after having previously kept a dream journal for years, so it isn't as if I've never practiced the discipline of recalling dreams and recording them.

Late this morning -- today my schedule permitted me to sleep in a little -- I woke from dreams, as often happens, and felt like my quantity and quality of dream activity was back to where it used to be when I recorded my dreams in a written journal. My recall isn't as honed as it was back in the day, and it would take time and practice to get the discipline and focus back to that level. But with the restoration of dream activity, and the level of sleep that permits dreaming, I now feel healthier inside than I have done in -- this is sobering to admit -- a few years now.

I am almost superstitious to confide this, lest lightning should strike. But I think my mental health must be more robust than it was at the beginning of this year. Thanks for listening.

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: Senoufou
Date: 28 Sep 16 - 03:55 AM

I have great faith in good,restorative sleep keberoxu. And I agree, it's a good sign that you now dream, and recall your dreams, in the way you used to.
I'm really glad that you feel your mental health is improving now.
Hope it continues!

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: wysiwyg
Date: 28 Sep 16 - 03:50 PM

Hey don't quote me like I'm DEAD-- busy elsewhere-- but what a great item to remember, keb.

What policy change-- Linkie pls?

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Triage, or 'where am I'
From: wysiwyg
Date: 28 Sep 16 - 03:56 PM

PS (just pm me the link and indicate here that you have)