BS: The real me

Subject: BS: The real me
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Mar 07 - 11:43 PM

Hello, my real name is Shlomo Johosafat Schlump. I am a professional loser. I have been a loser in school, the music business, the film industry, writing, cartooning and politics.

At first glance one might think that my name contributed to my accomplished losership, but that would be far from the truth. Being a loser is however my family heritage.

You probably know my father. He was both famous and unknown. He was the unknown comic who always wore a paper bag over his head while performing. He was the king of all loserdom until the Gong Show was canceled. My mother was very skilled as a crafts person but never found commercial success for any of the hundreds of projects she developed. For example she became a master at the spinning wheel and found that she could spin the hair pulled out of the dog brush and knit very nice sweaters for dogs. Dogs however would either start knawing and biting themselves or merely smell like a wet dog whenever they wore one of Mom's seaters. I feel that she somehow missed her calling. I had no illusions about my father's lack of a career. Even when I was a little boychic my dad was never my hero.

My childhood heros were Eyore, Porky Pig and Wile Coyote. As a teenager I idolized Woody Allen because it was as though he had read the transcript of my life and turned it into the film 'Take the Money and Run'. I mean it was accurate right down to my playing cello in the marching band but the part about me robbing a bank never happened. I tried my had ar films, literally. My semenal work was 'Somthing liquid this way comes' but due to the lack of any synchronization between the sound and the picture it lack the power I had envisioned.

I had just turned 21 when Douglas Adams captured my very soul in his character Marvin the robot. I once bought a ticket to hear Douglas Adams lecture at the University of Rochester but when I got there I cold not find the auditorium despite the hundreds of "DO NOT PANIC" posters advertising the time and place of the lecture. As I recall the poster had a button on it just like the guide to the universe, and truth be told, I even tried pushing it to no avail.

Then I tried pot. Something happened and 22 years later I discovered the internet.

I began to post my poems on every poem website I could find. At last count I have been banned on 167 poetry forums. Even my website on which I spent $2,800 over 10 years got erased. The only internet forum I have not been banned from has been the Mudcat forum. I don't know why, but it has been the one light in the tunnel of failure which is my home. I once met a mudcat member but as I expected, they never called again.

Oh yes and I did learn how to use photoshop a bit and made a bunch of cartoons about Bush who I recognized as a loser who was accidently brought up to great hieghts, but the cartoons got erased on a hard drive crash when I got hit by lightning last summer when I stood by an open second floor window of my former house that I bought with the insurance money that my mom took out on my father which reminds me that ever since that lightning strike, I have had a tendency toward run on sentences.

You might think that collecting on insurance was a success but with mom serving time for my dad's untimely death, things have a way of averaging out on the loser side.

Anyway being a professional loser today is a lot better than the old days when a loser was a GEEK who bit the heads off chickens instead of driving VW bugs and fixing computers. You would be surprised by the opportunities for losers. In Vegas they call us coolers and out on the farm they call us rain makers, however I can only make it hot sticky and humid. You know what they say, its not the heat its the humility.

I guess I'll go now and have another balogna sandwich on Wonder bread and a slice of humble pie. Damn, I'm out of RC cola.

btw
Its the perfect diet food to maintain a white, pasty and bland complection.

maybe you might want to tell about the real you?

Subject: RE: BS: The real me
From: *daylia*
Date: 28 Mar 07 - 08:09 AM

The Real Me

Subject: Loser Power
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Mar 07 - 09:10 AM

Despite the fact that losers are as popular as a smelly disease I believe in the power of the loser and that losers will inherit the Earth. One of the largest concentrations of losers is in LA (Losers Annonymous). Without losers, winners could not exist. Losers enable other people to feel better about themselves.

Only by embracing your losership can you become all the loser you can be.

Perhaps the biggest obstacle for losers is that they are in denial. Along the spectrum of loserosity are those who embrace their loserhood and as a result have success beyond their wildest lost dreams. On one end of the loserescent rainbow lies the "Last Guy" who was discussed at length by George Carlin. The last guy is the guy who is worse off than everyone else. On the other end of the rainbow are people like Rodney Dangerfield, Don Knots, Earnest and the legendary Alfred E Neuman.

I recall fondly my 4th birthday when my dad gave me a used Mad magazine with Alfred E Neuman on the front and on the back, some paper dolls ln a disheveld bed and their cut out clothes strewn over chairs and the floor. Only upon trying to dress the hung over dolss did I discover that I was a loser, much like Al.

I daresay that most folks do not realize the true extent of their loserhood until High School. It is important we teach kids how much of a loser they are. Perhaps we can avert tragedies of losers in such deniual that they bring a gub to school.

Losers need to know that losers are beautiful, albeit in an ugly way.
Losers need to celebrate their losership.

If we don't - the danger that lies before us are groups that delude losers into believeing they are "special" and that they are not losers but winners - as long as they believe on faith some nonsense and obey in total conformity: the priest, pastor, rabbi, Imam, politician and military officer.

Avoid the danger of being promised winner status by buying some product, device, vehicle or supplement. The sooner you admit you are a loser the more money you will save and the happier you will be.

Face it, the only thing that will make you a winner is embracing your inner loser.

Subject: RE: BS: The real me
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Mar 07 - 09:11 AM

Thats the spirit daylia, you good ol bump on a log!

Subject: RE: BS: The real me
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Mar 07 - 09:31 AM

One of the best things Republicans have done, without knowing it, has been their calling us losers for the last 7 years.

I think we finally woke up and believed them.

Like scum and slime, the power of our loserosity has floated up to the top of our stagnant pond.

Losers are starting to express their loseresque power.
The sooner we lose this war started by losers against losers the sooner we can all share the loss of victory.

There is peace in losership.

Subject: RE: BS: The real me
From: Amos
Date: 28 Mar 07 - 09:43 AM

I think a case could be made, as well, for the liars among us; they have earned their chops, fighting their way through a long maze of bright and obvious truth, defending the cause of obfuscation and alteration at every turn. It has been a long and sometimes lonely road, and a draining, demanding effort. Starting with "what happened to your mittens?" and working your way up through "the dog ate my homework" and "I'll pay you back" to larger and more adventurous lies, like "Let's just hold hands and talk" and "No, officer, I don't drink and I was doing 45...".

But the real heros among the many wannabe liars of the world are those who trudge on, their eyes on a higher goal. Marital infidelity is common fare, and anyone can lie about whether they remembered to mail that letter or why they didn't come to thebridge party. We should remember and revere those who scaled the heights -- those whose bold visions of untruth and distortion of reality have touched the lives of millions. "I did not have sex with..." is paltry stuff compared to the real greats in this field. Lebensraum!! Weapons of Mass Destruction!!   Caring about Children!! Homeland Security!! Promising to Defend the Constitution!!

Now we are talking about the big time, where lying is concerned. These are the falsehoods that built a nation. A moment of silence, if you will, ladies and gentlemen, to honor those, who having seen the truth, did not flinch, but who carried on in their quest for the Bigger Lie, the Better Smokescreen, the Irresistible Spin. Let us pray.


A

Subject: RE: BS: The real me
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Mar 07 - 09:44 AM

Our founding fathers, Karl Marx and all revolutionaries and philosphers all recognized that we are basicly all losers.
For a few losers in king's clothing and castles to insist you make the bread so that they can eat it has been an ongoing struggle.

All religions based in truth accept that you are a loser, except they call it things like "suffering" or "original sin"

One man's loss is another man's catastrophe.
No matter what you feel blessed about or how much you feel gratitude for, the real you is a loser.

IF you think you are above all us losers, you are a loser too.

Subject: RE: BS: The real me
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Mar 07 - 10:08 AM

Amen brother loser Amos.

The great lies and liars are upon as never before.

No where are the iies regarding losing more obvious than Sports.
They can not just tell the truth about losing.
They have to say things like "we lost our momentum", or "we couldn't find our focus".
The dog ate our playbook indeed... YOU ARE THE LOSERS, JUST ADMIT IT

By coming to grips with losing in general, great things lie before us.

Subject: RE: BS: The real me
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Mar 07 - 10:21 AM

If we were more honest with our inner loser we could have avoided George W Bush !! We could have avoided W's nuclear nonsense war.

People could see AND HEAR that he was loser. Silently they thought to themselves, "Hey if he is running, maybe a loser like me could be President!?".

GEORGE is a loser, everyone knew it deep inside but they could not be honest with their own inner loser.

People have to admit they are losers.
I know its tough but its liberating.
Say to yourself, "I am a proud loser, I'm mad as hell and I am not going to take this anymore".
Winners are just lying losers.
We all have feet of clay.

Respect the honest loser, feel for the under dog because we are all under dog losers at heart.
Amen, losers be praised.

Subject: RE: BS: The real me
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Mar 07 - 10:29 AM

For every big foam #1 finger, there is a loser inside.

Do not be decieved. Being an honest loser does not mean you do not strive for excellence, understanding and true compassion every day.

You can just be the best loser you can be and let the idiot jock, bully, fist pumping, prancing, football spiking, artificial WINNER revel in empty victory.

Subject: RE: BS: The real me
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Mar 07 - 10:49 AM

Only a loser like Goerge Bush could insist that a new strategy like "clearing and HOLDING" is the success that we needed all along.

News flash george, you can try to out wait and out hold the people in the middle east but you have forgotten that...
They live there.

George, like most of us, is a loser who can admit defeat and their inner loser.

It would be a much better world if we could only admit who we are, what we have lost and what we have lost in the world at large.

Subject: RE: BS: The real me
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Mar 07 - 10:58 AM

"George, like most of us, is a loser who can admit defeat and their inner loser.

should read CAN NOT ADMIT...

Subject: RE: BS: The real me
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Mar 07 - 11:04 AM

I see the silent hatred here.

People have been taught to hate losers and worship winning so much they are blinded.

I have lost in my attempt to show you the glory of admiting defeat.
I have failed in showing you the power of your inner loser.
But what else is new for a professional loser like me who gets no respect?

Subject: RE: BS: The real me
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Mar 07 - 11:12 AM

OK OK so you may not be a loser like me
BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU ARE A LOSER>>>

If you display trophies in your home, you are a loser
If you display the WHite House Christmas card, you are a loser
If you are in debt for items that prove you have style, you are a loser.
If you believe hating the right people is part of your religion you are a loser.
If you can't use your garage because of the junk you might need, you are a loser.
IF you don't "get" any of this, you are a winner.

Subject: RE: BS: The real me
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Mar 07 - 12:05 PM

If you really don't get it, its just that...

In my life I have noticed that the fight worth fighting is usually the lost cause. It is typically the liberation of a people from an oppressor or a system of destruction that profits few..

It takes a loser to fight the lost cause.

Bless the losers of this world and support their cause or we shall all of us lose our planet.

Subject: RE: BS: The real me
From: kendall
Date: 28 Mar 07 - 04:23 PM

I'm not a loser. I started at the bottom and I like it here.

Subject: RE: BS: The real me
From: GUEST,lox
Date: 28 Mar 07 - 04:38 PM

Keep the noise down up there!