BS: For the Love of Booze

Subject: BS: For the Love of Booze
From: Amos
Date: 09 Apr 08 - 09:55 AM

Charming quotes from the drinking underground, to which you are invited to append those you have coined when under the affluence of inkohol:

"I don't hide inside the bottle. The bottle hides inside me."
Patrick M. slowly camouflaging a bottle of gin at the Lion's Lair.

"Why should I apologize? It was my beer!"
Bessie after spilling her Sierra Nevada into Darius' lap at Matty's Corner, Black Rock, CT.

"You know, man, some people may call you a stoner, but to me you'll always be a drunk."
Mike L, 23, complimenting his buddy Duffy over a bottle of Windsor and bong loads in a California hotel room.

"They treat me like a king in this bar, because I act like one." Tony T., roughly 25 minutes before being "crowned" by the bartender and carried from the bar for helping himself to one of his minion's beer at the Corner Bar, Newark, NJ.

"Why you reading a book in a bar? That's like arm-wrestling on the Moon."
Name unknown dishing out a unique brand of logic at the Curtis St. Lounge.

"I'm sort of a fashion nut, and I was just checking on what kinda shoes people are wearing this season."
Charlie picking himself off the floor of the Broadway Bar and Grille in Nashville, TN.



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"I am brilliant and charming. You are overly talkative. He is disgustingly drunk."
Dan M. at the Cruise Room explaining the contrary effects of five martinis on three different people.

"Either you're too drunk or I'm too sober."
Sara N. attempting to get to the bottom of why she can't understand a friend's conversation.

"When I'm loaded I feel like a glamorous movie star with a totally retarded publicist."
Terry S. struggling to rationalize heightened self-esteem and lukewarm reviews at the Carioca Cafe.

"I went out last night and didn't drink a drop. I talked all night and in the morning I remembered everything I said. It was horrifying."
Juan R. explaining his third shot of the afternoon at Swanky's.

"How do you look when I'm sober?"
Ring L. postulating a question to a gent with a strikingly eccentric hair style.

"A hangover is just Beer's way of reminding you you shouldn't have stopped."
Pat S. channeling the God of Hops at Gabby's Bar in Toronto.



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"Call my number. I don't want to reach down in there if it doesn't work."
Jake B. asking a friend to call the cell phone he just dropped in the Streets of London Pub's toilet.

"See, that's the problem. I get so drunk I always forget I said it."
Robert N. explaining why he has already managed to break the previous night's promise of "I'll never get this drunk again."

"It's not 'drinking for breakfast,' sir. It's merely round 12 of my nightcap."
Anonymous patron shrugging off disdain from a waiter during a morning diner visit.

"I drink well tequila because we wicked drunks need to be punished."
Lady P. beating herself up at the Squire Lounge.

"If you want something you'll have to speak up. I can understand Drunk all day long but I'm not fluent in Shit Head."
A waitress named Stacy giving a brief linguistics lesson to a belligerent and mumbling patron.

"Keep your legs together, and don't get high-centered." Bobby Mac on most any Friday night in the Miles Inn, Sioux City, IA.



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"It's because I don't believe in God that I am so terrified of him."
Mike S. grappling with a dubious belief system and a double bourbon at the Lion's Lair.

"Common sense is for commoners, and I happen to be a royal asshole."
Unidentified patron fending off a bartender's query of "Do your think another shot is sensible?" at the Squire Lounge.

"I thought I was dancing 'til somebody stepped on my hand."
J.D. after nine J.D.s in Club AK, Fairbanks, AK.

"Bartender, one more pony Bud, please. They give me the illusion of height to fend off the Lilliputians."
Reggie elevating his stature and sense of the absurd in Hank's Saloon, Brooklyn N.Y.

Subject: RE: BS: For the Love of Booze
From: theleveller
Date: 09 Apr 08 - 10:02 AM

I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.

Subject: RE: BS: For the Love of Booze
From: Peace
Date: 09 Apr 08 - 10:05 AM

Never having been IN a bar, I'm quite sure I don't know what you mean.

Subject: RE: BS: For the Love of Booze
From: Amos
Date: 09 Apr 08 - 10:12 AM

A coupla more, Jack:

Patron: "I'll have an extra dry Tanqueray martini on the rocks with a twist and when I can't say it any more, don't bring me any more."
(5 drinks later)
Patron: "I'll have a Tanqully moonton wit wockers."
Bartender: "You can't say it, so you can't have one."
Patron: "Okay, I'll have a scotch and soda."


Say, Peace, if ya nevver been inna bar, howdja get so mucha the bar inside a you?


A

Subject: RE: BS: For the Love of Booze
From: theleveller
Date: 09 Apr 08 - 10:15 AM

The author Evelyn Waugh was noted for his vitriolic comments, especially when he'd had a few. On being asked what he'd "done" for his college, Waugh replied "I drank for it".

Once, in a bar, he was approached by an acquaintance:

Acquaintance: Fancy seeing you here, Evelyn. I drove past your house last night.

EW: Thank you.

Subject: RE: BS: For the Love of Booze
From: Wesley S
Date: 09 Apr 08 - 10:24 AM

One day at a time - Bill Wilson

Subject: RE: BS: For the Love of Booze
From: gnu
Date: 09 Apr 08 - 10:36 AM

I don't drink anymore. Not since they invented the funnel.

Subject: RE: BS: For the Love of Booze
From: Midchuck
Date: 09 Apr 08 - 10:41 AM

Didn't W. C. Fields say something like, "It was a woman that drove me to drink, and I never did thank her."?

P.

Subject: RE: BS: For the Love of Booze
From: theleveller
Date: 09 Apr 08 - 10:46 AM

I don't drink any more. On the other hand, I don't drink any less.

Subject: RE: BS: For the Love of Booze
From: theleveller
Date: 09 Apr 08 - 10:51 AM

I don't have a drink problem. I drink; I get drunk; I fall over - no problem!

Subject: RE: BS: For the Love of Booze
From: Peace
Date: 09 Apr 08 - 11:01 AM

BOOZE?

Hell, I thought you'd misspelled blooze!

Subject: RE: BS: For the Love of Booze
From: theleveller
Date: 09 Apr 08 - 11:20 AM

"O God loves a drunk, the lowest of men
With the dogs in the street and the pigs in the pen
But a drunk's only trying to get free of his body
And soar like an eagle high up there in heaven
His shouts and his curses are just hymns and praises
To kick-start his mind now and then"

From 'God Loves a Drunk' by Richard Thompson

Love that song

Subject: RE: BS: For the Love of Booze
From: Amos
Date: 09 Apr 08 - 11:36 AM

The neon glow
Shines upon us
As we sit belly to bar.
The lot of us conversing
But none of us
Are listening.
We talk just to
Break the hovering silence.
It's the silence that
Leads to thinking
And that leads to reality.
And the reason we are here
In the first place
Is to stay
The fuck away
From that.

(John Murray)

Whiskey Wisdom, #113
If there's wisdom in whiskey, I've not found it;
Just stupor and forgetfulness inside.
But also happiness—no way around it;
There's bliss in that amber, Lethean tide.

An unexamined life's not worth the living,
Said Socrates, who faced death without fears;
It's true, but my exam is more forgiving
of foibles and failures after three beers.

Oh give me booze instead of introspection,
Distill my doubts in bottles, not in verse;
Abet me in this rational deflection
And, if not better, things will be no worse--

Now there's a truth, sunk in this G & T,
Greater than dreamed in your philosophy.


(Scott Standridge)

Subject: RE: BS: For the Love of Booze
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 09 Apr 08 - 11:36 AM

"Tho' I'm seldom drunk, yet I am never sober..."

An accurate observation from one way of "Carrickfergus"

Subject: RE: BS: For the Love of Booze
From: theleveller
Date: 09 Apr 08 - 11:43 AM

"There's many a peer or England brews
A lively liquor than the muse
And malt does more than Milton can
To justify God's ways to man."

A E Houseman 'A Shropshire Lad'

Subject: RE: BS: For the Love of Booze
From: Mrrzy
Date: 09 Apr 08 - 11:45 AM

What movie had the line, That's not funny, so we'll drink until it is?

Subject: RE: BS: For the Love of Booze
From: Dave Swan
Date: 09 Apr 08 - 11:46 AM

"Don't do THAT, it's alcohol ABUSE." Reedo over a spilled beer at Barclay's, Oakland, CA.

Subject: RE: BS: For the Love of Booze
From: Bill D
Date: 09 Apr 08 - 12:11 PM

"What's the joy and the curse of the whole working class?
Why, boozing bloody well boozing!
What is it robs a poor man of his brass?
Why, boozing bloody well boozing!
It ruins the liver, it addles the brain-
It inspires our singing again and again!
What gives such fair measure of pleasure and pain?
Why, boozing bloody well boozing!"

Subject: RE: BS: For the Love of Booze
From: bobad
Date: 09 Apr 08 - 12:39 PM

Oh, lager beer! It makes good cheer, And proves the poor man's worth; It cools the body through and through, and regulates the health."
-Anonymous

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
-Dave Barry

"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."
-Dave Barry

"The letters in 'Brace Beemer' can be arranged to spell 'Embrace Beer.'"
-Dave Barry, referring to the actor who played the Lone Ranger on radio

"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."
-Humphrey Bogart

"The sum of the matter is, the people drink because they wish to drink."
-Rudolph Brand

"People who drink light 'beer' don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee alot."
-Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

"Beer will always have a definite role in the diet of an individual and can be considered a cog in the wheel of nutritional foods."
-Bruce Carlton

"No soldier can fight unless he is properly fed on beef and beer."
-John Churchill, First Duke of Marlborough

"Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me."
-Winston Churchill

"Make sure that the beer - four pints a week - goes to the troops under fire before any of the parties in the rear get a drop."
-Winston Churchill to his Secretary of War, 1944

"Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink."
-Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
"Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it."
-His reply

"An oppressive government is more to be feared than a tiger, or a beer."
-Confucius

"The roots and herbes beaten and put into new ale or beer and daily drunk, cleareth, strengtheneth and quickeneth the sight of the eyes."
-Nicholas Culpeper

"If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs."
-David Daye

"If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose."
-Deep Thought, Jack Handy

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed - Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'"
-Deep Thought, Jack Handy

"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her."
-W.C. Fields

"Everybody has to believe in something.....I believe I'll have another drink."
-W.C. Fields

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
-Benjamin Franklin

"The easiest way to spot a wanker in a pub is to look around and find who's drinking a Corona with a slice of lemon in the neck."
-Warwick Franks

"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."
-Ernest Hemmingway

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools."
-For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway

"They who drink beer will think beer."
-Washington Irving

"One of the hallmarks of the baby boomer generation is that it doesn't live like the previous generation. It hasn't yet given up jeans and T-shirts or beer."
-Ron Klugman, SVP, Coors Brewing

"I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts, and beer."
-Abraham Lincoln

"We old folks have to find our cushions and pillows in our tankards. Strong beer is the milk of the old."
-Martin Luther

"Prohibition makes you want to cry into your beer and denies you the beer to cry into."
-Don Marquis

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
-Dean Martin

"Whoever serves beer or wine watered down, he himself deserves in them to drown."
-Midieval plea for pure libations

"Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine."
-David Moulton

"I drink to make other people interesting."
-George Jean Nathan

"May the roof above us never fall in, and may we friends gathered below never fall out."
-Old Irish Blessing

"May your glass be ever full. May the roof over your head be always strong. And may you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you're dead."
-Old Irish Toast

"A bar is better than a newspaper for public discussion."
-Jim Parker, on the importance of a healthy pub culture

"He was a wise man who invented beer."
-Plato

"God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?"
-Restroom in The Irish Times, Washington DC

"...there is only one game at the heart of America and that is baseball, and only one beverage to be found sloshing at the depths of our national soul and that is beer."
-Peter Richmond

"Beer needs baseball, and baseball needs beer - it has always been thus."
-Peter Richmond

"Brewers enjoy working to make beer as much as drinking beer instead of working."
-Harold Rudolph

"I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer."
-Homer Simpson

"All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer."
-Homer Simpson

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
-Frank Sinatra

"I never met a pub I didn't like."
-Pete Slosberg, Founder of Pete's Brewing Company

"[I recommend]… bread, meat, vegetables and beer."
-Sophocles' philosophy of a moderate diet

"This is grain, which any fool can eat, but for which the Lord intended a more divine means of consumption... Beer!"
-Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves, Friar Tuck

"Fermentation may have been a greater discovery than fire."
-David Rains Wallace

"Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world."
-Kaiser Welhelm

"I'm going to buy a boat... do a little travelling, and I'm going to be drinking beer!"
-John Welsh, Brooklyn bus driver who won $30 million in the New York lottery

"Beer: So much more than just a breakfast drink."
-Whitstran Brewery sign

"Work is the curse of the drinking class."
-Oscar Wilde

"Who does not love beer, wine, women and song remains a fool his whole life long."
-Carl Worner

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
-Henny Youngman

"Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time."
-Catherine Zandonella

"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer."
-Frank Zappa

Subject: RE: BS: For the Love of Booze
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Apr 08 - 12:51 PM

"One martini and I'm under the weather. Two martinis and I'm under the table. Three martinis and I'm under the host." -- Dorothy Parker

If all be true that I do think
There are five reasons why we drink:
Good food, good wine, or being dry,
Or lest we should be by and by,
Or any other reason why.
             -- Chesterton (I think)

Subject: RE: BS: For the Love of Booze
From: Emma B
Date: 09 Apr 08 - 01:09 PM

Drink wine, and you will sleep well.
Sleep and you will not sin.
Avoid sin and you will be saved.
Ergo...
Drink wine and be saved!

Medieval German saying

One barrel of wine can work more miracles than a church full of saints.

Italian proverb

Subject: RE: BS: For the Love of Booze
From: gnu
Date: 09 Apr 08 - 01:18 PM

Lite beer? No thanks. I'd rather be fat than sober.

Subject: RE: BS: For the Love of Booze
From: Mooh
Date: 09 Apr 08 - 01:27 PM

Think I'll thrace this tread...Mooh.

Subject: RE: BS: For the Love of Booze
From: jeffp
Date: 09 Apr 08 - 01:57 PM

Does God look down on the boys in the barroom?
Mainly forsaken, but surely not judged.
Jacks, Kings and Aces, their faces in wine.
Do, Lord, deliver our kind.

Robert Hunter

Subject: RE: BS: For the Love of Booze
From: John on the Sunset Coast
Date: 09 Apr 08 - 02:04 PM

In the immortal words of Jackie Gleason (I think), 'Ahhh Booze!'

Subject: RE: BS: For the Love of Booze
From: Joe_F
Date: 09 Apr 08 - 08:46 PM

No bar too far to drink to you.

Subject: RE: BS: For the Love of Booze
From: Amos
Date: 09 Apr 08 - 09:30 PM

Glorious,
Glorious!
One keg o'beer
For the four of us!
Praise be to God
There's no more of us!
Because one of us could drink it all alone.

Subject: RE: BS: For the Love of Booze
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Apr 08 - 09:55 PM

You will find me drinking rum,
Like a sailor in a slum,
You will find me drinking beer like a Bavarian,
You will find me drinking gin
In the lowest kind of inn,
Because I am a rigid vegetarian.

So I cleared the inn of wine,
And I tried to climb the sign,
And I tried to hail the constable as "Marion,"
But he said I couldn't speak
And he bowled me to the Beak
Because I am a happy vegetarian...

No more the milk of cows
Shall pollute my private house
Than the milk of the wild mares of the Barbarian;
I will stick to port and sherry,
For they are so very, very,
So very, very, very vegetarian.
                      -- G. K. Chesterton

Subject: RE: BS: For the Love of Booze
From: Bill D
Date: 09 Apr 08 - 11:31 PM

"The horse and mule live thirty years
And nothing know of wines and beers;
The goat and sheep at twenty die
And never taste of Scotch or Rye;
The cow drinks water by the ton
And at eighteen is mostly done;
The dog at fifteen cashes in
And without the aid of rum or gin;
The cat in milk and water soaks
And then in twelve short years it croaks;
The modest, sober, bone-dry hen
Lays eggs for nogs, then dies at ten.
All animals are strictly dry,
They sinless live and early die.
But sinful, ginful, rum-soaked men–
Survive for three-score years and ten!
And some of them, a very few
Stay pickled till they're 92."

Subject: RE: BS: For the Love of Booze
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 10 Apr 08 - 12:14 AM

The are only 2 reasons for drinking, when you are thirsty to cure it, and when you're not thirsty to prevent it.

eric

Subject: RE: BS: For the Love of Booze
From: GUEST,PMB
Date: 10 Apr 08 - 04:06 AM

Don't forget that Socrates died of drink.

Subject: RE: BS: For the Love of Booze
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 10 Apr 08 - 04:55 AM

Australian poet Henry Lawson - Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer.

Henry Lawson, letter to The Bulletin 1903

Dear Bulletin

I'm awfully surprised to find myself sober. And, being sober, I take up my pen to write a few lines, hoping they will find you as I am at present. I want to know a few things. In the first place: Why does a man get drunk? There seems to be no excuse for it. I get drunk because I am in trouble, and I get drunk because I've got out of it. I get drunk because I'm sick, or have corns, or the toothache: and I get drunk because I'm feeling well and grand. I get drunk because I was rejected; and I got awfully drunk the night I was accepted. And, mind you, I don't like to get drunk at all, because I don't enjoy it much, and suffer hell afterwards. I'm always far better and happier when I'm sober, and tea tastes better than beer. But I get drunk. I get drunk when I feel that I want a drink, and I get drunk when I don't. I get drunk because I had a row last night and made a fool of myself and it worries me, and when things are fixed up I get drunk to celebrate it. And, mind you, I've got no craving for a drink. I get drunk because I'm frightened about things, and because I don't care a damn. Because I'm hard up and because I'm flush. And, somehow, I seem to have better luck when I'm drunk. I don't think the mystery of drunkenness will ever be explained - until all things are explained, and that will be never. A friend says that we don't drink to feel happier, but to feel less miserable. But I don't feel miserable when I'm straight. Perhaps I'm not perfectly sober right now, after all. I'll go and get a drink, and write again later.

Henry Lawson,

Letter to the Bulletin (1903)

Subject: RE: BS: For the Love of Booze
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 10 Apr 08 - 07:20 AM

There are many goood reasons for drinking.
Here's one that just entered me head :
If a man can't drink while he's living,
How the fuck will he drink once he's dead ?

Subject: RE: BS: For the Love of Booze
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Apr 08 - 09:43 AM

Henry Aldrich wrote the "Five Reasons For Drinking", not Chesterton.

Subject: RE: BS: For the Love of Booze
From: theleveller
Date: 11 Apr 08 - 03:33 AM

'Drunk for a penny; dead drunk fo twopence', ah, those were the days.