BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Fergie
Date: 30 Apr 09 - 03:46 PM

I posted this in another thread today, so I thought I should post it here also

Fergus

There is a story about the Dublin man who was being followed home from the pub by a giraffe. He finds a cord and puts it around the giraffes neck and leads it along O'Connell St. A cop asks him where he got the giraffe and the drunk tell him that it was lost and followed him. The cop advises him to bring it to the zoo and the drunk replies "that a bloody great idea". A few days later, the cop sees the same drunk leading the same giraffe along the footpath. The cop says "hey, I thought I advised you to take that giraffe up to the zoo". The drunk says "you did officer and he bloody loved it, I'm taking him to a football match today".

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Keith A of Hertford
Date: 01 May 09 - 07:25 AM

Why did the French chef commit suicide?
   













Because he'd lost his huile d'olive."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 May 09 - 10:04 AM

"Blonde Pilot"

A blonde is on board a small two-seater plane
when suddenly the pilot dies.

Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio.

"Mayday, Mayday! My pilot just died!" she screams.

Ground control receives her call for help and answers
back: "Don't worry, madam. I'll talk you down, just
do as I say. First, I need you to give me your height
and position."

"I'm 5 foot 2 and sitting in the front seat!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Gurney
Date: 02 May 09 - 12:53 AM

I've been waiting to see if this came up, but it seems to be left to me.

It used to be said, "America will elect a black president when pigs fly."
100 days into the present incumbency, swine flu!
Sounds better out loud.

Pooh and Piglet were trudging through the snow.
Piglet's thought bubble: I'm so lucky to have a friend like Pooh!
Pooh's thought bubble: This bastard sneezes, he's DEAD!

Local radio jokes.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 May 09 - 03:01 PM

Sorry, Gurney, you were anticipated by something like four days on the "pigs fly" comment. I forget who did it, or in what thread, but it's there.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 May 09 - 04:35 PM

I panicked and phoned the swine flu hotline, but all I could get was crackling.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 May 09 - 08:10 PM

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

I'm just passing this thought along ....

Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack?

If not, you're wondering now.

Have a nice day .    :)

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 May 09 - 10:06 AM

"The 5 O'clock News"

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work
for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news.
A man was shown threatening to jump from the
Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50
that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied,
"I'll take that bet!"
   
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde
gave the redhead the $50 she owed.

The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend."

The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet. You won the
money."
   
Then the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I
saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your
money."
   
The blonde replied,...
"Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 03 May 09 - 11:14 AM

Pooh and Piglet wandered aimlessly through the woods. "It's great to have friends" exclaimed piglet............. If that pig sneezes... He's dead!!!! thought Pooh

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 May 09 - 01:07 PM

It's deja vu all over again!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 03 May 09 - 01:41 PM

oops... missed that one!! sorry!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Gurney
Date: 04 May 09 - 02:12 AM

Uncle dave, don't worry about greeblies from strippers bodies on your bills, the cocaine will sterilise them.

Deja Vu all over again? I never done nothing!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Donuel
Date: 04 May 09 - 12:14 PM

While playing with anagrams related to the next Republican ticket I combined a Jeb Bush and Mitt Romney ticket as Bush Romney and got
Horny Bums
Shrub my No
My bus horn
Born Mushy

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 May 09 - 05:44 PM

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. Joe pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

"Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
"1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better!

"Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 05 May 09 - 09:53 PM

What's the fastest way to York?
Are you walking or driving?
Driving.
That's the fastest way.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 May 09 - 03:53 PM

The IRS Genie...

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it, and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress.. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie, "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this," says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

POOF!
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"Okay, cowpoke, what's your second wish?"

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

POOF!
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"Okay, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

POOF!
He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Tug the Cox
Date: 07 May 09 - 05:56 AM

Man in hospital in an oxygen mask, hoarsley whispers to the nurse....'Are my testicles black?. Being an obliging sort, she takes his acoutrements in her hands, has a good look, gives them a rub to make sure there's no dirt on them, then, with a final pat, say's , 'no, theyre fine'.
   The man pulls of his mask. 'Thanky you nurse, I really enjoyed that, but waht i said was

    'Are my test results back?

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Tug the Cox
Date: 07 May 09 - 06:08 AM

Hey, I just won an all expenses paid holiday to Mexico City. I'm pig sick that I won't be able to go.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 May 09 - 05:58 PM

"GI Insurance"

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where
he was to advise new recruits about their government
benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman
Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales,
which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the
back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the
new recruits, and then said:

"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are
killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your
beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and
you go into battle and get killed, the government has
to pay only a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they
are going to send into battle first?

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Folkiedave
Date: 08 May 09 - 12:48 PM

Seeing his friend packing his suitcase he says
"They won't let you take that in".

"What" his mate says. "The FLintstones video, they won't let you take Flintstones video's into the Gulf States".

"Don't be stupid", his friend says - "Of course they do!".

"You cannot take a Flintstones video into the Gulf States".

"Well certainly Bahrain don't let Flintstones videos in, and Kuwait don't either.

But I think Abu Dhabi do".

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Michael
Date: 08 May 09 - 02:43 PM

Dave, credit where its due, Vin Garbutt Eh?

Mike

Subject: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: GUEST,Guest
Date: 10 May 09 - 11:32 PM

The newspaper, "The Australian," over a period of weeks sought entries for The Great Australian yarn.
This was the winner:




Two cattle drovers were standing in an Outback bar. One asked, "What are ya up to, mate?"
"Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie." "Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?"
"Ah, prob'ly the Missus ... after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 May 09 - 04:09 PM

Dear Ms. Ezell:

Thank you for your letter of July 17. After careful
consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable
to accept your refusal to offer me employment with
your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate
in receiving an unusually large number of rejection
letters.

With such a varied and promising field of corporate
candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals
for employment.

Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and
previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that
your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time.

Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm
immediately following graduation. I look forward to
seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,
Marc Taylor

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Bert
Date: 12 May 09 - 03:06 AM

Isn't it funny how rejection letters are always so polite.

You don't care about politeness.

What you really want to hear is "Get your sorry ass here on Monday at 8 O'Clock sharp or you'll be in deep shit!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Naemanson
Date: 12 May 09 - 04:35 AM

That kind of language begins AFTER the job starts!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: CapriUni
Date: 14 May 09 - 02:22 PM

Well, this is the first actual joke I remember my mother teaching me (as opposed to knock-knock jokes and conundrums), when I was about three or four years old.

---

Man goes into the doctor's office, and the doctor asks what's wrong.

"Well, I feel fine," the man said, but when I woke up this morning, I noticed there was a screw in my belly button, and don't know how it got there, and I'm a bit concerned."

"Ah, yes. I see," the doctor said, and had the man undress and perch on the side of the examination table. Sure enough, there's a big fat shiny Phillips-head screw right where the man's belly button should be.

"Hm," the doctor said, after a moment's examination. "There doesn't seem to be any injury. Let's just see if we can get this thing out." And he digs around in his cabinets until he finds a Phillips-head screwdriver. And he starts unscrewing, and the screw gets looser and looser.

"Does that hurt at all?" the doctor asked.

"No," the man said. "It feels a bit odd, but it doesn't hurt."

So the doctor keeps going, and soon the skew is out completely.

"Thank you, doctor," the man says. That's quite a relief.

He stood up to get dressed.

...and his butt fell off.

---

I don't know which is more disturbing: the joke, or that my mother taught the joke to her four-year old daughter. ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 14 May 09 - 10:17 PM

"The plains Indians had bows so powerful that they could shoot an arrow into a buffalo right up to the feathers."
"Buffaloes don't have feathers."

*

"Close the window. It's cold outside."
"So, if I close the window, is it going to be warm outside?"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 May 09 - 09:07 AM

"Become A Rebel At The Barber Shop"

A man entered a barber shop and said, "I am tired
of looking like everyone else! I want a change!
Part my hair from ear to ear!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes!" said the man.

The barber did as he was told and a satisfied
customer left the shop.

Three hours passed and the man reentered the
shop. "Put it back the way it was," he said.

"What's the matter?" asked the barber. "Are you
tired of being a nonconformist already?"

"No," he replied, "I'm tired of people whispering
in my nose!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: MudGuard
Date: 15 May 09 - 02:39 PM

For Joe F:

Royal Mail Officer: "This letter is too heavy, you need to put another stamp on it!"
Customer: "If you think the letter gets lighter then ... "

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 May 09 - 07:09 PM

A Heartwarming Senior Citizen Letter

Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches at Kean Elementary in Wooster, Ohio forwarded the following letter.
            
The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you.

This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.



   
Dear Kean Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to a old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity..

Sincerely,
Agnes Baker

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 May 09 - 04:58 PM

Please see the 2nd Joke Thread of 2009. This one is too long already.

Emphasis added. --JoeClone 22-May-2009

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Peace
Date: 21 May 09 - 09:35 PM

NEVER let an ad out before it's checked by a native speaker who's familiar with slang. A good friend sent me this because he knows I taught English for decades and am still a firefighter. It's a hoot.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: manitas_at_work
Date: 22 May 09 - 03:06 AM

I think the link is broken