BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Keith A of Hertford
Date: 18 Mar 09 - 05:04 AM

Little Peter asks his father one day, "Daddy, how was I born?". His father replies, "Ah, Peter my son, I guess one day you'll need to find out, so let me tell you how. Well, you see, your mother and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date with her via email and we met at a cyber cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither of us was using a firewall and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said: You've Got Male."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Folkiedave
Date: 18 Mar 09 - 03:09 PM

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i. e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.

Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb").

This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.

Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 18 Mar 09 - 09:46 PM

A computer joke in real life: A man parked his 1-month-old son on his desktop. The baby picked up a dangling USB connector and put it in his mouth. The computer then displayed the message: "A new device has been detected. Please install the driver for this device."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Mar 09 - 12:01 PM

"Fishing Blondes"

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding
fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden
comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and
says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing
licenses."

"We don't have any." replied the first blonde.

"Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses."
said the Game Warden.

"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't
fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines
and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure
enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the
end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it,"
said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want."
And with that, the Game Warden left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the
three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What
a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the
other two, "doesn't he know that there are steel-head
trout in this river?!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Mar 09 - 10:07 AM

"Priest's Retirement Dinner"

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner
after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician
and member of the congregation was chosen to make
the presentation and to give a little speech at the
dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to
say his own few words while they waited:

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first
confession I heard here. I thought I had been
assigned to a terrible place. The very first person
who entered my confessional told me he had stolen
a television set and, when questioned by the police,
was able to lie his way out of it.

He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled
from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife,
taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was
appalled.

But as the days went on I learned that my people
were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to
a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician
arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately
began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,"
said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being
the first person to go to him for confession."

The Moral of story: Never, never, never be late!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 24 Mar 09 - 02:06 PM

A minister, a priest, and a rabbi are invited speak at a dinner for a group of deaf people. The man who invited them, who is not deaf, promises to interpret for them.

On the appointed evening there is a snowstorm. Many people arrive a bit late, but the dinner goes ahead as scheduled. By the time the dinner is finished, the minister, priest, and rabbi are getting a bit nervous, because the interpreter isn't there.

The minister's cell phone rings. It's the interpreter. He explains that he can't make it, and the three speakers should go ahead without him. "How can we do that?" asks the minister. "We don't know any sign language!"

"Don't worry," says the interpreter. "Just go slowly and make up your own signs. These people are intelligent; they'll figure out what you mean. And they're not expecting anything profound. They just want a few laughs. As soon as you make them laugh, you can stop."

After conferring, the minister, priest and rabbi reluctantly agree to give it a try. The minister volunteers to go first. He stands up and makes a few gestures. The audience immediately laughs, and he sits down.

"What did you say?" the other two ask him.

"Nothing special," he answers. "I just began a speech the way I always do. I said, 'Ladies...' (He holds up his left hand and makes a circle between his thumb and first finger.) '...and gentlemen....'" (With his right hand, he holds up one finger.)

The rabbi offers to go next. He stands up, makes a few gestures, the audience laughs heartily, and he sits down.

"What did you say to them?" the others ask.

"Not much," answers the rabbi. "I just began a speech the way I always do. I said, 'Ladies...' (He makes the same sign the minister did.) '...and gentlemen,...' (Ditto.) '...it gives me great pleasure...'" (He inserts his right finger into the circle and moves it in and out rapidly.)

Finally the priest gets up, makes a few gestures, and the audience howls. He sits down and the minister and rabbi immediately ask him, "What did you say?"

The priest said, "All I did was begin a speech the way I always do. I said, 'Ladies...' (Ditto.) '...and gentlemen...' (Ditto.) '...unaccustomed as I am....'" (He aims his finger at the circle and misses!)

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: dwditty
Date: 26 Mar 09 - 04:43 PM

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.   When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful
woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $650 million.'

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Proof that women are better financial planners than men.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Desert Dancer
Date: 27 Mar 09 - 11:00 AM

Cross-cultural exchanges (shamelessly ripped from the steaming screens of Ballad-L) --

Have you heard about German Chinese food?
An hour later you are hungry for power. . .
..

Not unlike the guy who was half Japanese, half Jewish. Every December 7th, he attacks Pearl Schwartz.
..

So there's this linguists' convention in Dublin, and one of the visiting professors asks an Irish linguist if there is any word in Gaelic that corresponds to "mañana."

The Irish linguist thinks for a moment, and replies, "well, there is, but it doesn't convey the same sense of urgency.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Michael
Date: 27 Mar 09 - 11:10 AM

Desert Dancer -Thanks, the last one caused me to pepper the screen with biscuit crumbs!

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Apr 09 - 09:32 AM

The newly weds were only married two weeks, when the husband said to the wife, 'Honey I'm going to Hank's Tavern to have a beer, I'll be right back'.

'Where'd you say you're going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. 'I'm going to have a beer..'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India , etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop... But at the bar... You know...they have frozen glasses... '

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long.. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out five dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP, CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR SORRY ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES RIGHT HERE BECAUSE YOU'RE MARRIED NOW AND YOUR SORRY ASS IS SO NOT GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER! GOT IT, DUMBASS?'

And..they lived happily ever after.
   
Isn't that a sweet story?????

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 01 Apr 09 - 12:36 PM

A happy ending!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Wesley S
Date: 01 Apr 09 - 01:14 PM

For whom?

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: GUEST,leeneia
Date: 02 Apr 09 - 03:08 PM

Here's something interesting. A deaf people's joke.

I have a friend who is an interpreter for the deaf. We were discussing her job, and she said that deaf people have their own, special jokes. Here's one:

A young couple were about to share the first night of their honeymoon at a small motel. You know, the kind that opens onto a parking lot. Everything was going smoothly until the groom realized he had forgotten the champagne! He went out to get some, and on his return he realized that he couldn't remember which room his bride was in.

So he thought and thought, and finally he got an idea. He went to a car and blew the horn again and again. Soon lights were going on and curtains were being yanked open in every room but one. Thus he knew that's where she was.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 06 Apr 09 - 02:03 PM

What kind of bees make milk?

Boobies!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Peace
Date: 10 Apr 09 - 02:13 AM

This is probably from Mudcat somewhere.


The husband leans over and asks his wife,
    'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else.
You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 11 Apr 09 - 02:13 AM

Here's to all the politically correct people out there who love
to read deep thoughts into everything!

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery
were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men
sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black weenies, but the one in the middle had a pink weenie. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink weenie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society. After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky T-shirt approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?' 'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple. ' Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replies 'In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Kentucky coal miners, and the guy in the
middle went home for lunch.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 11 Apr 09 - 02:17 AM

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new

Mercedes into an Irish gas station.

An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is...

"Top o' the mornin to ya."

As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.

"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.


"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant. "

Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 11 Apr 09 - 02:19 AM

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving
an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.   The test
features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have
to make a decision.   Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet
spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each
line.



THE SITUATION:

You are in Florida , Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you
caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical
proportions.   You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and
you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly
hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses
and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is
unleashing all of its destructive furor.



THE TEST:

Suddenly you see a woman in the water. She is fighting for her life,
trying not to be taken down with the debris.   You move closer.   Somehow
the woman looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's Hillary
Clinton!   At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to
take her under forever. You have two options: You can save the life of
Hillary Clinton, or - - - you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning
photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful and
brilliant women.



THE QUESTION:

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer....

















Would you select high contrast color film, or would

you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 11 Apr 09 - 05:35 AM

The coach tour for the blind has been a huge success. They were talked all the way through the route and understood exactly what they couldn't see.. and now they were on their way home. The driver was forced to take his compulsory break in line with the tachometer reading and pulled into the motorway services. He explained the break to the blind group on board and they said 'It's OK we will go play football"... The driver asked how they could play football when they could not see the ball... and they explained they had a ball with bells inside which they could hear.. and with their heightened sense of direction they would know at all times where the ball was.
The driver went for his coffee and cake and left them on the car park playing football. About ten minutes later a member of the public came in.. looking flushed and agitated and exclaimed "If you are the driver of the coach that has those blind people then you better come quick... the are kicking the s... out of a bunch of Morris Dancers"

Sorry if our friends in the US don't understand that one!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: GUEST,Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Apr 09 - 10:01 AM

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP20 and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

MEN NEVER LISTEN

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Justa Picker
Date: 11 Apr 09 - 07:14 PM

The Life of a Bagpiper

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.

As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest. I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Sweet Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Midchuck
Date: 11 Apr 09 - 07:44 PM

About ten minutes later a member of the public came in.. looking flushed and agitated and exclaimed "If you are the driver of the coach that has those blind people then you better come quick... the are kicking the s... out of a bunch of Morris Dancers"

Sorry if our friends in the US don't understand that one!!!!

Oh, those of us who go to folk festivals understand it very well. Sounds like fun. Would almost make up for being blind.

Peter

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Wesley S
Date: 16 Apr 09 - 02:21 PM

How do Englishmen have safe sex?

They spray paint "X"'s on the backs of the sheep that kick.

*********************

What's a Yankee?

It's the same as a quicky but a man can do it all by himself.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Apr 09 - 04:11 PM

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE
             1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!

       First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

       They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes.

       Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-base paints.

       We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads.

       As infants and children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes.
      
       Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

       We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

       We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.

       We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And we weren't overweight.
       WHY?

       Because we were always outside playing...that's why!

       We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

       No one was able to reach us all day. And, we were Okay.

       We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times,we learned to
solve the problem.

       We did not have Playstations, Nintendos, and X-Boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVDs, no surround-sound or CDs, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms
       WE HAD FRIENDS, and we went outside and found them!

       We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

       We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

       We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

       We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.

       Little League had tryouts, and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.

      Imagine that!!

      The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

      These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers, and inventors ever.

       The past fifty years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

       We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
       If YOU are one of them? CONGRATULATIONS!

       You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids before the lawyers and the government
regulated so much of our lives "for our own good".

       While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were.
   
       Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: curmudgeon
Date: 19 Apr 09 - 11:51 AM

World's shortest music joke:

A musician walked past a bar...

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Apr 09 - 03:40 PM

"Calming the Teacher"

When I was a kid, my dad and I had a running
joke. If anyone asked what he did for a living,
I always said, "He's a sports mechanic. He fixes
boxing matches and horse races."

Once I answered a teacher this way. She flipped
out and summoned my parents. Dad calmed her
down by explaining it was a joke.

"So what do you do?" she asked.

Dad, a sales rep for a pharmaceutical company,
said, "I sell drugs."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: severed-head
Date: 20 Apr 09 - 04:48 PM

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: severed-head
Date: 20 Apr 09 - 04:49 PM

A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead. Well, now she's angry. She opens her purse and takes out the gun. But as she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her own head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."

"Shut up," she says. "You're next....."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Peace
Date: 21 Apr 09 - 06:25 AM

A young farm boy from Saskatchewan moved to Vancouver Island and went to a huge "everything under one roof department store" looking for a job.

The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The kid says , 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Saskatchewan.'

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many customers bought something from you today?'

The kid says 'one'. The boss says, 'Just one? Our salespeople average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'

The kid says, '$101,237.65.'

The boss says, '$101,237.65! What the heck did you sell?'

The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fishhook.
Then I sold him a medium fishhook.
Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boadepartment and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Ford Expedition.'

The boss said, 'You mean to tell me that a guy came in here to buy a
fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'

The Saskatchewan farm boy said, 'No, the guy came in here to buy
Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot -- you should go fishing!'

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Leadfingers
Date: 21 Apr 09 - 02:11 PM

Any one play Darts ??

One Hundred and EIGHTY !!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Apr 09 - 04:51 PM

Cuba is selling a tea made from sugar cane and mother in law's tongue (a mild astringent) which causes your voice to be higher in pitch.
Castro-tea.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Apr 09 - 09:51 AM

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the highway.   So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car, and opened the trunk.

I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They looked so lifelike, you wouldn't believe it! They were in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.

To my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men, which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road. And of course traffic started backing up.   Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me.

He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

'What's going on here?'

'My car has a flat tire,' I said calmly.

'Well, what the are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?'

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him,
'Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!'

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 22 Apr 09 - 10:23 AM

Uncle Dave - Go to your room !

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 22 Apr 09 - 09:42 PM

I tried Camels for 30 days.
Then I went back to Women.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Michael
Date: 23 Apr 09 - 05:57 AM

Smoking Women? I'll have a pack.

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Apr 09 - 09:38 AM

A Heavenly Marriage"

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married
this couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is
sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St. Peter to
do an intake. In conversation while waiting they wonder
if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter
finally shows up and they ask him.

St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time
anyone ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sits for a couple of months and in
conversation they begin to wonder if they really should
get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of
it all.

"What if it doesn't work out?," they wonder, "Are we
stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet
another month, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in
Heaven."

"Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't
work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the
ground.

"What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple.

"Jeez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months
to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how
long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer!?"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Apr 09 - 09:44 AM

God is Good

Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this, especially all of those who bake for church events.

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered the morning of the bake sale; and, after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack for Scout camp.

When Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She thought, 'Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake.'

This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church and in her new community of friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.

When Amanda arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. She grabbed her cell phone and called her mom.

Alice was horrified - she was beside herself. Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, and ridiculed! All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time.

She really didn't want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at Alice because she was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa but, having already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South and, to Alice 's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert! Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!

She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, 'What a beautiful cake!'

Alice still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, 'Thank you, I baked it myself.'

Alice smiled and thought to herself, 'God is good.'

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: CapriUni
Date: 24 Apr 09 - 02:17 PM

A Dialogue:

I'll be right back. I have to go to the store and pick up some birdseed.

Oh, really? How many birds do you have?

None, yet. But I hope to grow some.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: jeffp
Date: 24 Apr 09 - 03:03 PM

Would a stepfather be a faux pa?

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Apr 09 - 03:56 PM

Do you think these a bit odd?


Have pun!


1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir
Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.


3. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it
turned out to be an optical Aleutian.


5. She was a moonshiner's daughter, but he loved her still.


7. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class
because it was a weapon of math disruption.


9. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be
stationery.


11. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for
littering.


13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in
Linoleum Blownapart.


15. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


17. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


19. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police
are looking into it.


21. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.


23. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off
the Grass.'


25. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.


27.. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a
small medium at large.


29. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran.


31. A backward poet writes inverse.


33. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's
your count that votes.


35. When space men land, they normally say, "Take me to your
leader." When they land in Las Vegas, they say. "Lead me to your
taker."


37. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!


If someone called you odd, would you try to get even?

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 24 Apr 09 - 09:31 PM

Two businessmen were walking out of the office to lunch, when one of them asked the other, "Do you know how the Pope keeps all the cardinals on their toes? He's raised all the urinals in the Vatican 3 inches." After they'd left, one secretary asked another, "What's a urinal?" to which the other repliedf, "How should I know? I'm not a Catholic."

That is a second-order joke -- a joke about a joke. I saw it quoted, back in the ages of sexism, in an essay that also gave an example of a fifth-order joke. The author speculated that jokes of transfinite order might evoke the ineffable laughter of the gods.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 25 Apr 09 - 03:54 PM

So the two old jews are walking down the rainy street, kvetching about this and that, and one says to the other, and you know what the worst of it is? My son is thinking of becoming a Christian! Oy, vey, says the other, you won't believe it but so is mine! At that point the clouds part, the beam of light hits them both, and a booming voice from above says...

...Tell me about it!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Apr 09 - 07:46 PM

Children Writing About The Ocean...

   1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
       (Kelly, age 6)

   2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls.
       (Jerry, age 6)

   3) - If you are surrounded by ocean you are an island.
       If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent.
       (Wayne , age 7)

   4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
       Richardson. She's not my friend any more.
       (Kylie, age 6)

   5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.
       (Billy, age 8)

   6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and
       pots and comes back with crabs.
       (Millie, age 6)

   7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to      
       cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the
       sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said
       they would have been better off eating beans.(William, age 7)

   8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are
       beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do
       mermaids get pregnant? Like, really?
       (Helen, age 6)

   9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is
       always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big
       sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
       (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels
       can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea
       where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.
       (Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it
       makes my willy small.
       (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers
       can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.
       (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she
       was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because   
       water fired right up her big fat ass..
       (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't
       drown I don't know.
       (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the
       ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and
       married my mom.
       (James, age 7

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 25 Apr 09 - 08:09 PM

An old Jew on his deathbed asked for a priest. The family was horrified. A *priest*? Yes, he said, I want to be converted. Better than one of them should die than one of us!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Apr 09 - 12:23 PM

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says "Ah ... I see you regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it".

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is that it isn't cheap. It is $1000 an inch. "

The man perks up at this. "So", the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you go for the nine-inch, your wife might be a bit put off. But if you had a nine-inch before and you go for the five-inch, she might be disappointed. So it's an important decision that you and your wife should probably talk over." The man agrees to talk to his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day and says "So, have you spoken to your wife?"

"I have" says the man.

"And she has helped you in making the decision?"

"Yes, she has", the man says.

"And what is it?" the doctor asked.

"We're getting new granite countertops."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 27 Apr 09 - 09:43 AM

"Vet Problems"

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her
doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions,
about symptoms, how long had they been occurring,
etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet -
I don't need to ask my patients these kinds of
questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking."

She smugly added, "Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and
down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it
to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that
doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Apr 09 - 11:42 AM

The crowd of parents picking up their lilttle ones at school suddenly backed away from one quiet guy in jeans and T shirt in an ever expanding circle. His shirt said...


"I went to Mexico City and all I got was this lousy T shirt."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 29 Apr 09 - 03:12 PM

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to
feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up For a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, But one day, Sam approached the park and--lo and behold!--there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then He said, "For crying out loud, Bill, what in the world happened to you?"

Bill replied, "I've been in jail."

"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde
waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?"

"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at eighty-nine years old, I was so proud that when I got into court I pleaded 'guilty'."

Sam said, "What happened?"

"The damn judge gave me thirty days for perjury."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Wesley S
Date: 30 Apr 09 - 12:32 PM

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 30 Apr 09 - 02:30 PM

"Blind Cabbie"

After knocking down a woman pedestrian who
was jay-walking, the cabby stopped and helped
the irate lady to her feet.

Refusing his assistance, she yelled,

"You stupid, reckless creature! You must be blind!"

"What do you mean, blind?" snapped the cabdriver,
"I hit you, didn't I?"