BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 06 Feb 09 - 02:47 PM

A woman who was born with no ears worked in the personnel department of a large company as an interviewer of prospective employees. Most of the time she wore her hair down to cover her lack of ears, but when interviewing applicants for jobs that involved dealing with the public she'd pull her hair back so that her lack of ears was apparent. She would use the applicants' reactions to her deformity as a measurement of their ability to be discrete and tactful.

One day she interviewed three men for a sales representative position. All three went through their interviews with flying colors and none had seemed to pay any attention to her lack of ears. So, she called each man back in and asked him one question: "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"

The first applicant replied, "No, nothing at all."
"Are you sure?" asked the interviewer.
"Absolutely!" replied the man, "Nothing at all."
"Thank you," said the interviewer, showing the man to the door.

The second applicant answered, "Well, since you mention it, I couldn't help but notice that you don't have any ears. I'd never have mentioned it, but since you brought it up...."

The third applicant looked at the interviewer and replied, "Yes, I do notice something unusual about you. You wear contact lenses, don't you?"
"Why, yes," replied the interviewer, a bit stunned by the man's answer, "I do wear contacts. But how did you know?"
"Simple," answered the applicant, "You sure as hell don't have any ears to hold glasses up!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: katlaughing
Date: 06 Feb 09 - 07:48 PM

Why men should NOT write advice columns...

Dear Terry,



I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching the TV. I hadn't driven more than a mile
down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a
halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour's daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was made redundant six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,


Sheila

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Sheila:



A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and
hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,


Terry

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Feb 09 - 12:28 PM

"Grammar"

Jimmy was having problems in English class, so his
teacher decided to stop by on her way home to
speak with his parents.

When she rang the bell, Jimmy answered.

"I'd like to talk to your mother or father," said the
teacher.

"Sorry, but they ain't here," he told her.

"Jimmy!" she said, "what is it with your grammar?"

"Beats me," Jimmy replied, "but dad sure was mad
that they had t'go bail her out again!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Bill D
Date: 09 Feb 09 - 04:12 PM

The new supermarket near my apartment has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Feb 09 - 09:16 PM

A blond is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."

The blond starts crying to her husband, sobbing, "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blond, still sobbing, says, "How many is a brazilian?"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Feb 09 - 10:34 AM

"Stockbroker Audit"

The stockbroker received notice from the IRS
that he was being audited.

He showed up at the appointed time and place
with all his financial records, then sat for what
seemed like hours as the accountant pored over
them.

Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented,
"You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir
Arthur Conan Doyle."

"Why would you say that?" wondered the broker.

"Because you've made more brilliant deductions
on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes
made in his entire career."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Amos
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 07:29 PM

Much-forwarded, but still funny satire on scam emails:


A"heads up" for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't
be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you
are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your
windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of
their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you
for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the backseat. On
the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front
seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your
wallet. I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th,
17th, 20th, & 24th 29th. Also December 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th,
23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this
upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale 2.99 each

---

A

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Folkiedave
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 07:37 PM

It's a UK joke really but nevertheless may be understood.

Q. What distinguishes well-known radio and TV broadcaster Sir Terry Wogan from:

Lord Stevenson (former chairman HBOS);
Andy Hornby (former chief exec HBOS);
Sir Fred Goodwin (former chief exec, Royal Bank of Scotland);
Sir Tom McKillop (former chairman, Royal Bank of Scotland);
John McFall M.P. (Chair of Treasury Select Committee);
Alistair Darling (Chancellor of the Exchequer.

A. Sir Terry has a banking qualification!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 09:14 PM

DaveO: Cf.

A lady was walking down the street when she saw a little boy sitting on the curb, smoking a cigarette & taking an occasional swig of out of a little bottle. She stopped & said, "Young man, why aren't you in school?" He answered, "Hell, lady, I'm only four."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Feb 09 - 03:54 PM

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their
cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and
so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the
wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser, and it's
half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25......man down!'

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Tangledwood
Date: 20 Feb 09 - 05:04 AM

Old Dave had been at the bar since the pub opened, downing pint after pint.

As he watched, the band manhandle their speakers onto the small platform that served for a stage, he swore quietly to himself. Bloody musicians. Why did the landlord have to put this racket on every week? Couldn't a man drown his sorrows in peace of a Friday.

Though to be fair, he thought, it wasn't every Friday that his wife left him. Just this particular one. Bloody musicians. He was in an even fouler mood by the time the band started. Five more pints of bitter had earned their name, and he swore at the singer as he staggered past to the toilets.
Half an hour and eight songs later, the band paused. "Are there any requests?" said the singer. Half a dozen voices shouted out, including Dave's.

"Play Yesterday, ya' b*****ds," he shouted.

The band conferred, and after a few moments started to play "Yesterday."
Again, the band paused, and asked if there were any requests. This time, only Dave said anything.

"Play Yesterday, again" he called, a touch indistinctly. Slightly to his surprise, they did. A slightly shorter version, but "yesterday", nonetheless.

Again, came the call for requests. For a second time, Dave was the only one to speak. For a third time, he asked for "Yesterday."

"Now come on, mate," said the singer, "We've done that for you twice already.

"Sing bloody Yesterday" growled Dave.

"We just have; twice" said the singer, and turned away. At this point, Dave snapped. "Now yer b*****d you're bloody well going to sing it again," snarled Dave, as he picked up a bottle from the table, and made a lunge for the platform.

He never reached the singer, though. First, he stumbled over a stool, then slipped in a pool of beer near the stage, and fell, knocking his head against the corner of the stage, and cracking his skull.
All of which, of course, only goes to demonstrate the wisdom of the old proverb
: . . . You should never fight the band that heeds you.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: katlaughing
Date: 22 Feb 09 - 06:25 PM

Thank to anudder Mudder for sending me this:

MAKE SURE YOU READ TO THE END - UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!


This happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.. Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...'Look Paddy...there's that f..king idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Feb 09 - 06:41 PM

Since Mudcat is a music site, here's an appropriate item:

THE BAD NOTE THEORY

This is a copy of Jim Coon's "Bad Note Theory". While it mentions the mandolin as an example, it applies to all instruments.

The more you practice, the more of the bad notes are used up.

This can be proven by correlation. Look at some of the people that have played a lot and how they sound: Dave Grissman, Neil Gladd, Sam Bush.

It comes from playing enough to get rid of the bad notes.

One caution comes to mind, I think it is one of the laws of thermodynamics: If you stop practicing, the bad
note supply tends to build back up, maybe not to the original level but they build back up.

The instrument also knows if a different person is playing it other than the one that has been using up the bad notes. In this case it calls upon its reserve of bad notes to match how much the present player has used up on another instrument.

Just remember, the more you practice, the more you deplete the supply of bad notes.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Bert
Date: 22 Feb 09 - 06:48 PM

So THAT'S my problem!!!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 22 Feb 09 - 09:07 PM

It reminds me of these instructions on how to carve a horse out of a block of wood:

You just cut away all the parts that don't look like a horse!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 22 Feb 09 - 10:15 PM

A man was passing by an old folks' home and was startled to see half a dozen old ladies lying naked on the front lawn. He went into the office and asked the manager if he was aware of what was going on. Yes, was the explanation, they're retired prostitutes, and they're having a yard sale.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Tangledwood
Date: 22 Feb 09 - 11:00 PM

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord !".
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord". A bit annoyed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Really angry now that this guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smartypants. You get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing .....
>
>
>
" A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 23 Feb 09 - 08:17 AM

Pastor's Business Card

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.   

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Feb 09 - 08:40 AM

"Speedy Service"

A lady answered her front door to find a plumber standing
there. "I'm here to fix the leaky pipe," he announced.

"I didn't call a plumber," said the lady.

"What?" huffed the plumber. "Aren't you Mrs. Snyder?"

The Snyders moved out of this house over a year ago,"
explained the lady.

"How do you like that," grunted the plumber. "They call
you up and tell you it's an emergency and then they move
away!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Feb 09 - 10:33 AM

"Double Occupancy"

By the time Willard pulled into a little town every
hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room
somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed - I don't
care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant,"
admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split
the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so
loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained
in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired travelers assured him. "I'll
take it."

The next morning Willard came down to breakfast bright-
eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the
manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other
guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Willard.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in
the room," Willard explained. "I went over, gave him a
kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and
he sat up all night watching me."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: GUEST,machree01
Date: 25 Feb 09 - 07:33 AM

Sammy was outside pouring Beer all over his lawn,
his next door Neighbour came out, and said to Sammy
"why or you pouring beer all over your lawn",
Sammy said, "by the end of the day it will be half-cut".

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Feb 09 - 11:20 AM

"Darwin Awards"

Without further ado, here are the 2008 Darwin Awards.

Eighth Place

In Detroit, a 41-year-old man was stuck and drowned
in two feet of water after squeezing head first through
an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.


Seventh Place

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally
zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot
high cliff on his daily run.


Sixth Place

While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8-foot hole
for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a
beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him
beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their
hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not
reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment
almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead
at a hospital.


Fifth Place

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the
ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was
caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his
mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of
his skull as he hit the floor.


Fourth Place

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet
with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded
with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.


Third Place

After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked
at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather &
Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full
of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the
counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber
announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a
target pistol.

The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several
customers also drew their guns and fired. Paramedics
pronounced the robber dead at the scene. Crime scene
investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the
shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot
wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from seven different
weapons. No one else was hurt. (I think this is one of
those "Only in America" ones.)


HONORABLE MENTION

Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just
driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of
dynamite to toss out the window to see what would
happen. Apparently, they failed to notice the window
was closed.


RUNNER UP

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends
when one of them said they knew a person who had
bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic.
The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men
trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM.

Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered
that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who
had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that
a coil of lineman's cable lay near by. They secured one end
around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge.

His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore
his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall
into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen.
Bingham's foot was never located.


AND THE WINNER IS ...

Zookeeper, Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany), fed
his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and
more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the
plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to
give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved
beast unloaded.

The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation
knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his
head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate
200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one
of those freak accidents that proves "Crap happens."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 25 Feb 09 - 05:53 PM

Hey, those aren't jokes, albeit funny.

Anybody read "socialism according to cows?"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 25 Feb 09 - 06:15 PM

Husband to wife: "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

Wife to husband: "Your dick is much bigger than your friend Bill's."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 25 Feb 09 - 08:55 PM

Be sure to remove the screen before jumping out the window.
You wouldn't want to strain yourself.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Donuel
Date: 26 Feb 09 - 04:12 PM

A star walked into a black hole.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 26 Feb 09 - 09:15 PM

just after I hitched my wagon to it.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 27 Feb 09 - 09:55 AM

The IRS Genie...

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress.. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
                  ********POOF******
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?"

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.
                   *******POOF*******
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
                   ******POOF******
He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Mar 09 - 09:45 AM

"Customer Service"

The manager of a department store was training
several new Employees. He went over various
store policies including hours of work, breaks, floor
duties, stocking merchandise and employee discounts.

"But the most important thing," he said, "is customer
service. The customers are very important. Treat them
with respect. Patiently answer whatever questions
they have. And above all, Remember, 'The Customer
is Always Right.'"

With that, the new employees went to their allotted
departments. The manager walked around the store
several times that day and observed how his new
people were doing. All were doing well except one
man who just was not selling anything.

At the end of the day, the manager took him aside and
said, "I have been observing you. You assisted many
customers but you have not sold any merchandise.
Why?"

The employee replied, "I have been following your
instructions very carefully. Whenever a customer comes
in, I explain to him the details of the product, the special
features and the various prices. He then says something
like, 'This is cheaply made, overpriced, useless junk.' Since
you said the customer is always right, I tell him, 'You are
right!' And he leaves!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: GUEST,heric
Date: 03 Mar 09 - 02:14 PM

A nine year old boy walked into his parents' room and saw his dad with Mom bent over the foot of the bed etc etc and dad waived him away. Feeling guilty the next day and wanting to explain what's what to the boy, he walked into the boy's room and saw Granma bent over etc etc and dad said What on Earth are you doing? and Boy said:



"Not so funny when it's YOU'RE Mother, eh?"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: GUEST,heric
Date: 03 Mar 09 - 02:14 PM

your

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Dead Horse
Date: 03 Mar 09 - 03:57 PM

my my

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 03 Mar 09 - 04:07 PM

The Fibbies are watching you

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 04 Mar 09 - 01:40 PM

LOL!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Mar 09 - 08:22 AM

"Brave Pilots"

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered
and Mr. Benson looked out the window.

"Good Lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew
up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running
over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second
blast as yet another engine exploded on the other
side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the
stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then,
standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot
strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that
there was nothing to worry about. His words and his
demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel
better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked
to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed
several packages from under the seats and began
handing them to the flight attendants.

Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those
parachutes?"

The pilot said they were.

The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there
was nothing to worry about."

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine
exploded. "We're going to get help."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Mar 09 - 05:30 PM

Water vs. Wine

For those who wish to have a glass of wine.. And those who
don't...this is something to think about.
      
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E.coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we would be consuming 1 kilo of poop.
      
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
   
Remember: Water = Poop and Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit
      
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:

I'm doing it as a public service.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Mar 09 - 09:12 AM

"Expensive Funeral"

Bob died. His will provided $35,000 for an elaborate
funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his
wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I am
sure Bob would be pleased," she said.

"I am sure you are right," replied Judy, who lowered
her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this
really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty-five thousand."

"No!" Judy exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but
$35,000?"

Helen answered, "The funeral was $11,500. I donated
$500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were
another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Judy computed quickly, "$22,500 for a memorial stone?
My Lord, how big is it?"

"Two and a half carats."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: GUEST,Susu's Hubby
Date: 11 Mar 09 - 10:12 AM

Dr. Vincent Beraid, an expert in designer genes, specialized in creating large animals for meat production.

Dr. Beraid's death occurred during the development of a hog weighing over two tons. Dr. Beraid used almost eighty gorilla clones trained to carry out the mundane daily tasks of caring for this brute, who looked remarkably like Jabba the Hut.

One of the complicating factors in caring for this beast was his terrible bad breath. After feeding, It was necessary for several of the apes to force over 100 Chlorets down his throat before anyone could go into the lab.

On the day of the doctor's death, one of the gorillas spilled the breath freshener tablets onto the floor.

The doctor became enraged and began beating the poor ape. His brothers rioted and pandemonium ensued. It was four days before the police could enter the area with hermetically sealed Caterpillar bulldozers.

Portions of Dr. Beraid's remains were DNA fingerprinted from wall and ceiling residue. The police report summarizing the event states, ...






















"Seventy-six strong clones fed the pig Beraid with a hundred and ten Chlorets close at hand."


Hubby

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 11 Mar 09 - 12:09 PM

This probably came from this forum somewhere, but it isn't in this thread...

So, the dude escapes from his insane asylum through the attached laundromat, raping those doing laundry before running away. Next day the headline read...















Nut Screws Washers And Bolts!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Mar 09 - 08:40 AM

Party Chatter

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing
alone.

She approached him. "Hello" she said. "My name is Carmen
Gold."

"That's a beautiful name" he said, "Is it a family
name?"

"No", she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things
I like most in life, Cars, Men and Fine Jewelry.

"What's your Name?" she asked.

He replied, "B.J. Titsengolf".

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Mar 09 - 11:25 AM

An art thief was caught by police right outside the Museum.
The thief didn't have the Monet for Degas to make the Van Gogh.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: frogprince
Date: 15 Mar 09 - 09:20 PM

Pat the Irishman is sitting in a pub having a beer. A wee green fellow comes in the door, jumps up on the bar, does a couple of cartwheels to where Pat is sitting, stickS his face down in Pat's beer, goes "B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B", jumps up and scoots for the door. Just before he can get out, Pat catches up with him and grabs him by the neck. "You little @#&*#", says Pat; "I'm going to pull down your little green pants, grab you by your little green weenie, swing you around my head, and hurl you against the wall". "No yer not", says the little guy; "'cause I'm a leprachaun, and we don't have weenies".
"No weenies?" says Pat; "Then how do you pee?"

"We put our head down and go "B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Donuel
Date: 16 Mar 09 - 10:48 AM

A Greek is culturally bragging to an Italian, "We invented democracy, we invented great architecture and realistic statuary. We virtually invented eros and sex."

The Italian says "They may have invented sex, but we introduced it to women."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Donuel
Date: 16 Mar 09 - 11:30 AM

(a possible Phythonesque extravaganza)

"Thank you ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the EVIL award ceremonies"
Laser light show and orchestral fanfare fills the auditorium...
Marie Antoinette, Louis, please step down to these lower platforms to make make room for Bernie Madoff and his lovely wife."
"Lets have a round of applause for all our award winning CEOs.
to the tune of Miss America... Here they are, all our CEO's. Here they come, all the scum...

Please make room for The winners and still CEOs
and stand next to the CEO of Enron"
Bear Sterns, Lehman Bros. Goldman Sachs, AIG (big applause and hoots) Merill Lynch, Bank of America, Citi Group, ...(goes on for 20 minutes)
"No Mr. Hitler you don't have to step down, but we would like you to share your platform with Dick. Dick this is Adoolf, Adolf this is Dick."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Sookite
Date: 16 Mar 09 - 05:39 PM

Gynecologist

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire life".

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Mar 09 - 08:51 PM

QUOTE From: Donuel - PM

A Greek is culturally bragging to an Italian, "We invented democracy, we invented great architecture and realistic statuary. We virtually invented eros and sex."

The Italian says "They may have invented sex, but we introduced it to women." UNQUOTE

Oh Jaysus. Scrape me up somebody. Keep 'em coming, old chap! :-D

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 Mar 09 - 09:35 AM

"Father O'Mally and Elvis"

Father O'Mally has been preaching at his church in
Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a
vacation. He has never been married and he is curious
as to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he
decides to go to the States before it is too late.

He hops on the plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in
the Airport in Las Vegas. As he is exiting the plane,
someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims,
"Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead
Elvis! How have you been?"

Father looks at her and says, "Get outta me face.
Can't you see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like
Elvis."

The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He
hops in his cab and he's a little upset so he tells the
cabby, "Take me to my hotel and step on it."

The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing sir - Oh my
God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your
number one fan! It's so great to see you!"

"Shut up, you imbecile." says the father "I'm not
Elvis! Now turn around and drive!" So, the cabby
speeds up to the hotel.

Father O'Malley gets his things and walks up to the
hotel check-in counter. "Oh my God! Oh my God! It's
you!" screams the hotel clerk. "You're back Elvis! I
knew this day would happen. We saved everything just
the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter
and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs, complementary
hookers and a full liquor bar! I'm so glad you're back!"

Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says,
"Thank you... Thank you very much!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 17 Mar 09 - 01:32 PM

Why is it necessary to specify that Father O'Malley has never been married?

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 17 Mar 09 - 02:07 PM

picky, picky...

        

Short tempered couple

If there was one problem in the parish it involved the constant rows between Sean and Bridie Flynn. Fearsome were their tempers and long were their memories.

So Friday evening saw them rowing over some small happening from months before. Bridie struck Sean with the phone - Sean countered with the back of his hand. Bridie came back with a broom handle across his shoulders.

Sean grabbed the implement and pulled Bridie down the stairs. With the impetus of her fall, Sean spun her out of the open front door and into the street. He threw himself astride her winded frame and began slapping her across the face, just as Father Murphy came round the comer on his Friday visits.

Looking up and seeing the priest, Sean thought quickly and glowering at his prostrate spouse he roared: 'Now will you go to Mass?'

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Wesley S
Date: 17 Mar 09 - 03:06 PM

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.. Maureen and the male Martian (Tomato, what was his name again?) go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache . She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'