BS: My current favorite joke

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: GUEST,Mr Red
Date: 04 Sep 09 - 07:35 AM

Here's one I like telling kids with their parents listening.
You get the kid laughing at the silliness and the parent laughing out of relief

What do you call a nun on a washing machine?























a Sistermatic


I'll get my coat..............

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Bill D
Date: 04 Sep 09 - 12:07 PM

Ok....(tweaked and actually shortened a bit)

A hiker was traveling in a remote area, and was afraid he was lost. He was about to panic when he came to a small monastery tucked into cliff near a small stream. He knocked at the gate, and a brown-robed monk came out and greeted him.
He explained that he was unsure of directions and needed to get back to where he had left his car at a certain road.

"Oh my," said the monk, "you have taken a wrong turn. I'm afraid you would never get back there before dark. Why don't you come in and dine with us and stay the night, and someone will guide you back to the right trail in the morning."

Well, the hiker was quite willing to accept that offer, and followed the monk inside, where a wonderful odor of cooking greeted him. Soon he was seated at a long table where he was served a wonderful meal of fried fish and potatoes.

Afterward, he said that before he went to bed, he'd like to complement whoever had prepared the meal.

"Well, Brother John here was on duty in the kitchen tonight."

"Then, thank you, Brother John...it was hands down the best fish and chips I have ever had. I want to to give praise for the fine meal. The fish was delicate and perfectly cooked, and the potatoes were wonderfully seasoned!"

"Well thank you for the kind words," replied Brother John, but can't take credit for everything. I am only the Fish Frier, brother Tim over there is the Chip Monk."


so...is that so long that listeners these days will lose interest before the punch line? Or do folks just hate to TYPE when they put it on the WWW?

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: catspaw49
Date: 04 Sep 09 - 12:58 PM

After experiencing some serious side effects that can occur, a friend of mine was forced to give up on all of the erectile dysfunction drugs. He decided to try a more natural solution to his problem and went to an herbalist to see if there were something he might do along those lines. The herbal specialist sent him home with an array of naturally grown produce and herbs with printed instructions on what to do on a file card.

Basically he was to finely chop and then caramelize the Vidalia onion in the hormone free butter, then add the pure apple cider vinegar, tomato puree, dill seed, and ground mustard seed. When the mixture had fully blended he let it cool and then made it into a poltice which he applied to his genitals. He was to apply a fresh poltice every 2 hours until he had 4 applications. The herbalist said it would cure the dysfunction for 2 weeks and then he would repeat the process.

My friend was a bit dubious but willing to try and much to his surprise, it worked! After two treatments that month, he went back to the herbalist for more ingredients, not wanting to risk buying "generic" stuff at the local grocery.   Both of them discussed the great success he'd had and the lack of side effects. My friend stated that wasn't entirely true as he had experienced a bit of a problem. The herbalist was concerned and asked what the side effect was.

"Well," said my friend, "Its not really a big deal, but every time I drive past a McDonald's I get a hard-on."


Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Joe_F
Date: 04 Sep 09 - 06:35 PM

Foulestrope & Micca: It is quoted by Freud as a German folk tale. I suspect it's been around.

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 05 Sep 09 - 06:55 AM

... reminded of this by reading above-line thread about childhood heroes:

Man wants to borrow money, goes into bank, sez to teller,"Excuse me, are you the loan arranger?"

"No, sir," the teller replies, "I'm Wyatt Earp."

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 05 Sep 09 - 08:58 AM

Thanks Bill D, I love it.

Dave H

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Bill D
Date: 05 Sep 09 - 07:25 PM

Two short ones which start the same way...

Two psychiatrists meet on the street...

One says "You're fine. How am I?"



Two psychiatrists meet on the street...

One says, "Good morning!"

The other mumbles,"Hmmm...wonder what he meant by that?"

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: SharonA
Date: 06 Sep 09 - 02:11 AM

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To demonstrate to the possum that it can be done.


A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Is this a joke?"

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: SharonA
Date: 06 Sep 09 - 02:26 AM

A husband and wife are sitting in their living room after a hearty dinner, reading the paper. Without warning, the husband lets go of a long, satisfying fart. The wife, highly indignant, says, "Excuse yourself!"

"Excuse me," the man mumbles.

"I mean, from the room."

Suddenly a voice emanating from the four walls booms: "Why should I excuse myself? He's the one who farted!"

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 06 Sep 09 - 03:30 AM

Sharon A's above reminds me of —

Why did the hedgehog cross the road? To see his flatmate.

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Michael
Date: 06 Sep 09 - 06:31 AM

My 4 yr old grandson,after being told the chicken joke. "Wdid the hedgehog cross the road? To see the chicken"

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 06 Sep 09 - 06:41 AM

British military joke, whats the time Sar'nt Major ? ONE, TWO THREE, ONE

Dave H

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 06 Sep 09 - 10:01 PM

Put these two up before, reminded by one above: but seem to have vanished - perhaps didn't click on Submit properly; surely too vanilla to have been deleted for any sort of impropriety!:

1. What is the policeman's address? 999 Letsbee Avenue   [for benefit of Across·Pond friends: 999 is our equivt of your 911]

2. What did the copper say to the three-headed burglar? "'Ullo! 'Ullo! 'Ullo!"

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Tangledwood
Date: 07 Sep 09 - 05:21 AM

Old Blue was a good dog who lived at the pub on the corner. He was very popular with all the regulars, always greeting them as they entered and escorting them to their favourite stool or table then quietly laying in his favourite corner until it was time to bid farewell to everybody.

After a long and happy life Old Blue passed away, much to the sadness of the publican and the clientel. They had a bit of a discussion concerning the most appropriate way to remember such a wonderful dog and decided that they would keep his tail and hang it on the wall above Blue's favourite resting place.

Old Blue made it as far as The Pearly Gates and met Saint Peter. "Ah Blue," the Saint greeted him, "We've been expecting you but where is your tail? I'm very sorry but you're not allowed into Heaven unless you're physically intact."

Blue explained where his tail had gone but Saint Peter was adamant. "Sorry Blue, you'll have to go back and get it." He instructed.

So Old Blue went back down to the pub and, considerate dog that he was, waited outside until after closing time rather than risk scaring the drinkers. When the last one had left he slipped inside and found his former master who was, as you would expect, very surprised but none-the-less very pleased to see the faithful dog.

"What are you doing here?" he asked whereupon Blue told him what Saint Peter had said and asked for his tail back.

The Publican replied. " I would love to help you of course Blue, but I can't. You know I would loose my licence if I was caught re-tailing spirits after hours."

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 07 Sep 09 - 10:37 PM

Another one brought back to me by the 'Childhood heroes' thread:


"Wow, Tonto, look at all those Injuns. We're in trouble."

"What you mean, 'we', Paleface!"


(I tried it, as I know one should, as "Look at all those Native-Americans": but it didn't look right somehow!)

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 08 Sep 09 - 04:33 AM

Shortest joke I know —

[In bass voice]   HELP!

[In treble voice] SHARKS!

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: GUEST,Mr Red
Date: 08 Sep 09 - 06:56 AM

policeman's address? 999 Letsbee Avenue
ah! that would be the address of the Eve Ninn Hall.

(the US translation of that would be a house called "Put your hands way in the air BUD! And don't move."

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 11 Sep 09 - 12:09 PM

'I heard that after his last balls-up in an England match, he [England goalkeeper David James] tried to commit suicide by throwing himself in front of a bus, but it passed underneath him.'

The above, posted by Backwoodsman on the football thread about the recent England v Croatia match, Well Done England..., has definitely become my current favourite joke.

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: gnu
Date: 11 Sep 09 - 12:42 PM

Hahahaheheheheeeee.

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Joe_F
Date: 11 Sep 09 - 08:34 PM

Pat, a strapping young Irishman, applied for a job at a construction site. The boss looked at him skeptically. "This is no job for a common laborer," he said. "You have to have the knowledge. You have to know a joist from a girder." "Sure and I have the knowledge," says Pat. "Joist wrote Ulysses, and Girder wrote Faust."

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 11 Sep 09 - 11:34 PM

We don't seem to have got the one yet about [long·story·short as a girlfriend of mine used to say elliptically] the man with no knowledge of medical or anatomical terms, told by a doctor to take the pills 'per anum', and coming back next week to say "For all the good your pills did me I might as well have stuck them up my arse."

[Oldies definitely the best - now, Michael, let's think - do you maen yourself or the pleasantry, hmm?]

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Mrrzy
Date: 12 Sep 09 - 02:28 PM

Hee, hee, Mom got told to place her suppositories "one per vagina" which left us wondering, how many vaginas did the pharmacist think she HAD?

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 12 Sep 09 - 04:39 PM

That reminds me of the innocent man on morning after 1st night of his honeymoon [H0 you don't get many of those these days - what, as we all know, with today's naughty little madams who all ought to be spanked raffling their maidenheads at school at the age of 11 LoL], who, when his wife yawned & raised her hands to her eyes, saw her underarm hair & exclaimed "Oh goody-goody: two more!"

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: frogprince
Date: 12 Sep 09 - 06:40 PM

MtheGM, that has to be the worst joke I've heard in years; I'm ashamed of myself because I can't stop laughing.

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: gnu
Date: 12 Sep 09 - 07:11 PM

Old theme, but I just got this today...

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot. At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, (the manager) to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished , Mary asked .. 'How much for that faucet?

' Walt replied , 'That's pewter and it costs $300.' My goodness that sure is a lot Mary exclaimed . Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled , 'Mary, you wanna screw for that
hinge?'

Mary replied , 'No, but I will for the faucet.'

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 12 Sep 09 - 07:31 PM

Why, we do our best to please, Frogprince. Thank you. I hope your Princess will be along to kiss you any day now...

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Joe_F
Date: 12 Sep 09 - 08:30 PM

MtheGM: So also: Yes, doctor, I took one of those suppositories (is that the word?) every morning just as you said, and for all the good they did me, etc.

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Michael
Date: 13 Sep 09 - 06:35 AM

In the version of the suppository one I remember the doctors instruction was "Put one in your back passage every morning".
The following week "For all the good---"

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Joe_F
Date: 13 Sep 09 - 10:15 PM

If your husband reads _Playboy_, you may want to consider putting a staple in your navel.

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Michael
Date: 14 Sep 09 - 05:00 AM

Joe F a staple diet then?

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 14 Sep 09 - 02:14 PM

How do you get 4 elephants into a Mini? 2 in the front and two in the back.

And how do you get 4 rhinoceroses into a Mini? Well, first you take out the elephants...

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: gnu
Date: 14 Sep 09 - 05:00 PM

Elephants... I love it... called my buddy's wife and told her so she could tell Luke... a 7 year old. Thanks.

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: Andy Jackson
Date: 15 Sep 09 - 06:52 AM

And how do you get two whales in a mini?










Along the M4 and across the Severn bridge....

Subject: RE: BS: My current favorite joke
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 15 Sep 09 - 08:58 AM

Why do bees hum? Coz they don't know the words.