whats all this fuss about sex ?

Subject: whats all this fuss about sex ?
From: GUEST,Mudcat Member [anonymous for now]
Date: 23 Jan 10 - 11:35 PM

Seriously, I've been doing sex for a quite a few decades.
Its quite enjoyable, as far as I can remember.
But just lately I'm beginning to find it a bit of a chore.

This morning, I thought I'd initiate something to cheer the wife up
as she's been ill for a couple of weeks and a bit down in the dumps.
After about half an hour in I was starting to regret ever thinking that would be a good idea.
My arm was cramping and my fingers were loosing flexibility and feeling.
Worse of all, I kept getting wafts of noxious bad breath
and other unpleasant odours from further below the sheets
as she blissfully enjoyed my hard efforts oblivious to my increasing discomfort.
I was starting to feel unwell myself.

To cut a long story short, I had to do all that was required
to ensure mutual happy endings.

Then she had cheek to make me go downstairs to make a pot of tea for both of us,
and she even demanded toast and apricot jam,
even though she finished the last pot off at Xmas,
and then stared sulking when I joked the only apricot preserve we still had
left was spicy winter pickle.

When will it all be over, and I can get some well deserved rest.

Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ?
From: Joe Offer
Date: 23 Jan 10 - 11:38 PM

Anonymity [grudgingly] accepted - but I think this thread belongs in the non-music section...

-Joe-

Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ?
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Jan 10 - 11:55 PM

Older sex is indeed the same and different

An enlarged protate does help me last longer.

Why do prostates grow but not other things?

I heard a cure that involves a saw and a pimento?


, btw a shower cures that odour thing.

Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ?
From: Backwoodsman
Date: 24 Jan 10 - 01:00 AM

Too much information! :-)

Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ?
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 24 Jan 10 - 01:29 AM

Me thinks someone was tightening their G string, to play 'Those Were the Days', and got melancholic...and ran to the 'puter, instead of arguing with their spouse!
(Wink)
GfS

Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ?
From: Bugsy
Date: 24 Jan 10 - 01:31 AM

"When will it all be over, and I can get some well deserved rest."

Do you require the lyrics, the chords, or the tune?


Cheers

Bugsy

Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ?
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 24 Jan 10 - 03:42 AM

Hey, quit bitching - at least you're getting some!

LTS

Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ?
From: Lizzie Cornish 1
Date: 24 Jan 10 - 04:00 AM

Put the spicy winter pickle on your wife and maybe she'll wake YOU up.

Go to the bathroom first, brush those teeth and all other bits, preferably not with the toothbrush though, unless this brings an apricoty smile to your face, of course..

If so, remember to throw said toothbrush away after...in case 'wife' picks wrong one up...

Now, WHY do I have this feeling that this thread is going to have us all spluttering uncontrollably before the day is out.. :0)

Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ?
From: Acorn4
Date: 24 Jan 10 - 04:01 AM

As per another thread somewhere, Morris dancing is better!

Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ?
From: Smedley
Date: 24 Jan 10 - 04:45 AM

Sex is OK, but it can't really compete with a really great meal.


(Please place your 'eating' puns here:                           )

Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ?
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 24 Jan 10 - 04:55 AM

Sex, is like Contract Bridge. You don't need a partner, if you've got a good hand.


I think it was George Burns who said, sex after a certain age, is like playing pool with a strand of cooked spaghetti for s cue.
(There ya go Smeds, an eating metaphor)

Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ?
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 24 Jan 10 - 06:00 AM

Well, there's the joke from the late 60s —

Mrs Portnoy: Now Alex, all this pussy you've been eating - are you sure it's kosher?

Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ?
From: bubblyrat
Date: 24 Jan 10 - 06:17 AM

The people who administer the Alms Houses where I live, Henley Municipal Charities,are very strict about this (No sex please,this is Henley !) and one is not allowed to have a person of the opposite sex staying the night ! Of course, I ignore the rules as often as possible,and,indeed,it adds a certain frisson of excitement to the proceedings,knowing that one could be evicted from one's home (just let the bastards try,says I !!).I suppose in the 1600s,when the houses were built,people,assuming they made it to 60 or over (unlikely), were not expected to be capable or even desirous of carnal knowledge !

Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ?
From: artbrooks
Date: 24 Jan 10 - 06:19 AM

Well, not knowing what side of the pond you are on, I'm not sure if it is more apropos to say "lie back and think of England" or "ask not what your country can do for you, but rather what you can do for your country". Just keep in mind that your partner's pleasure is always more important than your own. Or, alternately, what's a little hand cramp between friends?

Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ?
From: kendall
Date: 24 Jan 10 - 06:42 AM

Jeez, I hope I don't ever reach that age!

Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ?
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 24 Jan 10 - 06:43 AM

Give her a good whack on the rump, tell her to get cleaned up and go buy YOU some apricot jam.

Or you could read this to her.

http://atlas.csd.net/~cantelow/cgi-bin/poem_view.pl/critsolo/817/0/1


Might induce her to clean up her ... errrrr act.

Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ?
From: Midchuck
Date: 24 Jan 10 - 07:16 AM

I think it was George Burns who said, sex after a certain age, is like playing pool with a strand of cooked spaghetti for s cue.

Or the redneck version: "I been f***in' so long with a limber dick, I could row a boat with a rope!"

P.

Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ?
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 24 Jan 10 - 07:25 AM

As I have aged, I have at last realised that sex with a partner is OK but it's not like the real thing!!!!

Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ?
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 24 Jan 10 - 08:11 AM

LOL - the real thing... That's priceless.

Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ?
From: Acorn4
Date: 24 Jan 10 - 08:32 AM

It's not helped by the new tubes of KY jelly - the old ones you used to be able to roll up like a tube of toothpaste so you always knew how much was left, but the new ones sort of pop back and assume the shape of a full tube, so you never know how much is left - when you squeeze them they sort of make a farting sound as if empty but on the third or fourth squeeze come out in a massive splodge.

Which bright spark thought that one up?

Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ?
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 24 Jan 10 - 08:47 AM

farting tubes of lube ---

now that's romantic.

Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ?
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 24 Jan 10 - 09:01 AM

It's not the LUBE farting, that I mind

Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ?
From: kendall
Date: 24 Jan 10 - 09:05 AM

It's a slow day around the old corral.

Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ?
From: GUEST,mauvepink
Date: 24 Jan 10 - 09:46 AM

What the heck do you think we have chocolate for?   ;-)

"Then she had cheek to make me go downstairs to make a pot of tea for both of us,and she even demanded toast and apricot jam"... but it was YOU that initiated proceedings lol

"Why do prostates grow but not other things?" Not true. Men's ears grow as they get older and so does their ear and nasal hair ;-)

Now it can take you all night what you used to do all night

With age comes experience and quality can be a lot better than quantity. The same rules apply though. It's best when both partners are actually in the mood for it. Get a teasmade and toaster for the bedside ;-)

Just keep having fun!

mp

Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ?
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Jan 10 - 12:37 PM

The 'Joy of Sex' came out when I was in my twenties.
I suppose its time for the final boomer book on sex to be published.
The Chore of Sex.

Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ?
From: gnu
Date: 24 Jan 10 - 01:00 PM

John... "Sex, is like Contract Bridge. You don't need a partner, if you've got a good hand."

I've been dealing with this for about 13 years. Before that, I was married for over 10 years. 23 years. Maybe that ganglion on my wrist... hmmm... nevermind.

Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ?
From: Amos
Date: 24 Jan 10 - 01:08 PM

It doesn't sound to me like you're doing it right, mate.



A

Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ?
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 24 Jan 10 - 03:24 PM

Maybe he should do it left then, Amos

Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ?
From: artbrooks
Date: 24 Jan 10 - 03:27 PM

Kinky

Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ?
From: Mrs.Duck
Date: 24 Jan 10 - 03:36 PM

I alwyas knew there had to be silver lining to marrying a clawhammer banjo player ;)

Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ?
From: Richard Bridge
Date: 24 Jan 10 - 03:44 PM

Ah, pluck and roll.

Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ?
From: Rasener
Date: 24 Jan 10 - 03:47 PM

Did you push her head under the bedsheets when as you say "and other unpleasant odours from further below the sheets"

Maybe you should Muff Dive instead

Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ?
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 24 Jan 10 - 04:38 PM

Well OP, they do say. If sex is a pain in the arse, you're doing it wrong.



I'll get me coat

Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ?
From: Bill D
Date: 24 Jan 10 - 06:28 PM

"KY jelly"?? Naaawww..if one really needs extra lubrication... pure coconut oil! (health food stores and such places)
------------------------------------------------------------------
Somehow, this silliness brought up a line I hadn't thought of for many years.

An old guy was asked if being a bachelor was a problem, due to certain things he was missing.

"No", he replied, "I was married once, and sex is easier now. If it's too tight, you can loosen it. If it's too loose, you can tighten it. And if you get tired, you can quit!"

But I do agree with Kendall, "I hope I don't ever reach that age!"

(which reminds me of the OTHER old line.. "Once a king, always a king, but once a knight's enough")

Which reminds me of several of the joke threads...but....

Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ?
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Jan 10 - 06:32 PM

I can't just play bridge all day, I have chores to do.

Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ?
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Jan 10 - 09:03 PM

I'm not sure I remember how to play bridge. Doesn't it have something to do with nudity and simplifying integers?

Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ?
From: mousethief
Date: 24 Jan 10 - 10:22 PM

I'm clearly not as old as you farts, but I'm taking notes.

O..O
=o=

Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ?
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 24 Jan 10 - 10:35 PM

==they do say. If sex is a pain in the arse, you're doing it wrong.===

Unless, presumably, you are one of those into spanking! I understand there are quite a lot of them...

Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ?
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Jan 10 - 10:53 PM

Viagra is a supply drug. It serves virtually no demand.

It helps real old men to have sex that takes a very very long time.

How many hot women demand to have sex with a real old man for ever and ever and ever.

Yet doctors keep supplying decrepid old farts with the stuff.

Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ?
From: mousethief
Date: 24 Jan 10 - 11:06 PM

You know as well as I do that they give Viagra to really old men to keep them from rolling out of bed.

O..O
=o=

Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ?
From: Michael
Date: 25 Jan 10 - 10:44 AM

Try a different card game, like Patience. (If you call it Solitaire it has a different meaning)

Mike

Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ?
From: Amos
Date: 25 Jan 10 - 10:56 AM

There's plenty of demand for Viagara by those who need it, I think...


A

Subject: RE: whats all this fuss about sex ?
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 25 Jan 10 - 10:57 AM

Aren't sex them things that posh people have their coal delivered in?

DeG