Lyr Add: If I Were a Bell (Frank Loesser)

Subject: Lyr Add: IF I WERE A BELL (Frank Loesser)
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 31 Aug 10 - 08:26 PM

This song has become a popular jazz standard.

Lyrics copied from Frank Loesser by Thomas Laurence Riis (New Haven: Yale University Press, 2008), page 97:


IF I WERE A BELL
Words and music by Frank Loesser.
New York : Edwin H. Morris & Company, Inc., ©1950.
From "Guys and Dolls"

Ask me how do I feel. Ask me now that we're cozy and clinging.
Well, sir, all I can say is, if I were a bell, I'd be ringing.
From the moment we kissed tonight,
That's the way I've just got to behave.
Boy, if I were a lamp, I'd light,
And if I were a banner, I'd wave.
Ask me how do I feel, little me with my quiet upbringing.
Well, sir, all I can say is, if I were a gate, I'd be swinging,
And if I were a watch, I'd start popping my spring,
Of if I were a bell, I'd go, "Ding, dong, ding, dong, ding."

Ask me how do I feel from this chemistry lesson I'm learning.
Well, sir, all I can say is, if I were a bridge, I'd be burning.
Yes, I knew my morale would crack
From the wonderful way that you looked.
Boy, if I were a duck, I'd quack,
Or if I were a goose, I'd be cooked.
Ask me how do I feel. Ask me now that we're fondly caressing.
Pal, if I were a salad, I know I'd be splashing my dressing.
Ask me how to describe this whole beautiful thing.
Well, if I were a bell, I'd go, "Ding, dong, ding, dong, ding."

Subject: Lyr Add: IF I WERE A BELL (Homer & Jethro)
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 31 Aug 10 - 08:29 PM

Now here's Homer & Jethro's parody. Note that this parody is relatively free of the grotesque (and sometimes misogynistic) images of most of their parodies.

This song can be heard at WFMU's Beware of the Blog.


IF I WERE A BELL
As sung by Homer & Jethro

Ask me how do I feel. Ask me now that we're pickin' an' a-singin'.
Well now, all I can say is, if I were a bell, I'd be ringin'.
When we're kissin', there is no doubt
You found out what it's all about.
I can tell you used to play
The bugle in the Girl Scouts.
Ask me how do I feel. It'll be with my line of baloney.
Well, if I were a twin, I'd be givin' myself a Toni.*
And if I was a fiddle, I'd be snappin' a string,
Or if I were a bell, I'd go, "Ding, dong, ding, dong, ding."

Ask me how do I feel. Ask me now that we're cozy an' a-clingin'.
Well now, all I can say is, if I had a voice, I'd be singin'.
Well, if I were a fuse, I'd blow,
Or if I were a rooster, I'd crow.
When you're smilin' at me, my dear,
I feel like I'm strippin' a gear.
Ask me how do feel. Ask me now that we're huggin' an' a-kissin'.
Well, if I had a motor, I know that it would be missin'.
And if I was a bee, I'd be bendin' my sting,
And if I was a bell, I'd go, "Ding, dong, ding, dong,
Ding, dong, ding, dong, ding."


[* "Toni" was a popular brand of home-perm kit. They used twins in their advertising; their slogan was "Which twin has the Toni?" The British equivalent was "Twink" but I think it lacked any association with twins.]

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: If I Were a Bell (Frank Loesser)
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 01 Sep 10 - 09:34 AM

Toni was just as available here as Twink, & "Which twin has the Toni?" was as widespread an advertising campaign over here in UK as anywhere else, FYO.

~Michael~