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BS: Poetry in motions
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BS: Poetry in motions |
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Subject: BS: Poetry in motions From: Will Fly Date: 21 Oct 11 - 03:59 AM An old and good friend of mine recently suffered from a serious attack of ulcerative colitis and was in hospital for some days. Luckily, with excellent medical treatment and good doctors, he recovered and is back in good health again. He sent an email to friends the other day, drawing attntion to a newspaper article which said that recent research had shown links between the bug which causes ulcerative colitis - fusobacterium - and bowel cancer. With a coincidence which never ceases to amaze, I also received, on the same day as his email, a test kit through the post from the local bowel cancer screening unit. Apparently bowel cancer is the the third biggest cancer killer in the UK for men of a certain age, and I was on their list. I was initially in two minds whether to bother or not with the kit and mentioned it in an email to my friend. He replied straightaway, saying that he'd been sent one at the age of 60 (he's now 63) and he'd ignored it. "Ignore it at your peril", was his reply. So I've been humming "Poetry in motion" to myself for the last 3 days, wielding wooden spatulas and sealing flaps - and thinking how lucky I am not to work as a technician in the local bowel cancer screening unit...! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Poetry in motions From: Big Al Whittle Date: 21 Oct 11 - 06:57 AM I did it as well Will. I somehow don't feel very confident about it. Done it twice. The first time they called me in andput cameras up and down me. I was hoping that your thread was a letter from a kindred spirit to myself who sees poetic charm to turds in all their variety. Big Ones that wriggle out like a huge fish. Small misshapen ones that look like little dwarves an various insects. Ones with strange striations on the sides. ones so big that they stick out of the water like the Lorelei. Breathes there anywhere a soul so dull Who doesn't burst with pride, giving the chain a pull. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Poetry in motions From: Nigel Parsons Date: 21 Oct 11 - 07:09 AM The first time they called me in andput cameras up and down me. I hope they keep track of which camera is for which purpose! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Poetry in motions From: Nigel Parsons Date: 21 Oct 11 - 07:18 AM Songs about constipation: Elvis: Suspicious minds (I'm taut in a crap!) The Hollies: Turds don't come easy Folk: The five constipated men in the Bible |
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Subject: RE: BS: Poetry in motions From: John MacKenzie Date: 21 Oct 11 - 07:44 AM The constipated mathematician, who worked it out with paper and pencil. I too have the kit to complete and return. My problem is I'm squeamish, and I'm trying to work out how to do it, and not have to go too near a turd ;-) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Poetry in motions From: JohnInKansas Date: 21 Oct 11 - 08:41 AM Just clean the cat's litter box immediately before grabbing each of the samples and your own bits (or hunks) will look like jewels by comparison (and won't smell nearly as bad as the cat's). Or change a diaper on a really young 'un. You can wash your fingers after (and we hope you do), regardless of how you overcome your squeamishness. JUST GET IT DONE. John |
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Subject: RE: BS: Poetry in motions From: Will Fly Date: 21 Oct 11 - 08:47 AM Ah John - 'tis easy now... Having established that a crap is imminent and that the section of the test kit is dated and ready to receive the smear: 1. grab a handful of toilet paper 2. lean forward 3. catch the first plop on the paper 4. deposit package on paper on a nearby surface 5. complete the rest of the jobbie 6. wipe bum 7. do smears on to the test kit with spatulas and seal kit section 8. pop test plop into lav 9. wipe spatulas, wrap in paper and deposit in waste bin 10.flush lav and wash all round Repeat twice more on different occasions - humming a happy, reassuring "I know I am, I'm sure I am, C.R.A.P.P.Y." Post completed kit in special envelope. On a serious note, a couple I know each received a kit some months ago. He completed his in no time but she refused to do it - was revolted at the thought of anything to do with turds - and he got quite angry with her. Silly really. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Poetry in motions From: Will Fly Date: 21 Oct 11 - 09:20 AM Al - just to cheer you up, here are the lyrics to a song I wrote when a friend had to got to hospital for a colonoscopy. It's written from the viewpoint of the doctors and nurses who do these things - and sung to the tune of "In My Liverpool Home": Sliding a tube up your bum. Sliding a tube up your bum. We've polished the tube with a nice greasy rag, And slipped it in neatly, it won't start to drag, But if it gets stuck, we'll nip out for a fag. Sliding a tube up your bum. Sliding a tube up your bum. Sliding a tube up your bum. You won't feel a thing 'cos you'll be fast asleep, While up through your arsehole the camera will creep, We'll switch on the TV and all take a peep. Sliding a tube up your bum. Sliding a tube up your bum. Sliding a tube up your bum. We sing as we work for we don't have a care, We slip through the cheeks and we comb back the hair, And then we take bets on what we'll find there. Sliding a tube up your bum. Sliding a tube up your bum. Sliding a tube up your bum. Threading our way through the maze, we get through it, We don't mind the piles and we don't mind the poo - it's A dirty old job but someone's got to do it. Sliding a tube up your bum. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Poetry in motions From: John MacKenzie Date: 21 Oct 11 - 11:49 AM Love it Will. As for cleaning a cat litter box, NO WAY! For a start I dislike cats, and the main reason I dislike them is the number of song birds they slaughter, and don't even eat (usually) The second reason is that FUCKING HORRID smell |
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Subject: RE: BS: Poetry in motions From: JohnInKansas Date: 21 Oct 11 - 12:55 PM It might just be a difference in regional dialectics, but wouldn't "Poetry in Movements" have been a more appropriate thread title? John |
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Subject: RE: BS: Poetry in motions From: Will Fly Date: 21 Oct 11 - 01:07 PM In the UK, my doctor uses the word "motion" when he talks bowel stuff- perhaps it's different in your neck of the woods. Whatever - I couldn't resist the pun on the song title! :-) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Poetry in motions From: Will Fly Date: 21 Oct 11 - 01:08 PM Sorry John - presumed you know "Poetry In Motion" by Johnny Tillotson (1961). |
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Subject: RE: BS: Poetry in motions From: GUEST,Eliza Date: 21 Oct 11 - 02:20 PM In the song 'Brown Girl In The Ring' the verse continues, "Show me a motion, la la la la la.." Seriously though, take any opportunity to have the tests. My poor mother died from bowel cancer, and it was absolutely dreadful. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Poetry in motions From: gnu Date: 21 Oct 11 - 02:25 PM "My problem is I'm squeamish..." But, that's just a turd of you. The other two turds can overcome. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Poetry in motions From: John MacKenzie Date: 21 Oct 11 - 02:59 PM Beethoven's Turd movement. Andante moderato. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Poetry in motions From: Big Al Whittle Date: 21 Oct 11 - 04:05 PM I love the song. A real folksong about the world we inhabit. |
