BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 20 Jan 13 - 05:41 PM

Dear Danny the Dachshund,

I can relate to yer problem. I have pretty short legs too by human standards. This means that most human men tower over me, and worse than that...they look down on me! I have had to kill a few of 'em on account of that. There is no real cure for the shortness problem itself, so what we gotta do is think tall. Just remember, it ain't how tall you are, it's how tall you act! Good posture and a confident attitude can make you seem twice as tall as you really are.

Now, the Newfoundlander...what I think you need to do there is get ahold of some really delicious food to get her interest. Tell her you got some fresh pork sausages you want to share with a deservin' individual such as herself. She'll definitely be interested. Put the sausages right alongside a raised deck or some similar object that is maybe 2-3 feet high. While she is eatin' the sausages, you approach from deck level and....!

This should work if handled right. I heard of a tapir that managed to consummate his love with an African elephant usin' this techique! Unfortunately, though, he fell off the roof of the wildlife park's food storage enclosure at the critical moment, and broke his neck. Make sure this does not happen to you. Given the stature of the average Newfoundland, I don't think it's likely to.

- Chongo

***

Dear Slick Willy,

Sounds like yer makin' the best of a difficult situation, Slick, same as Bill Clinton would. Nice poem too.

- Chongo

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Jan 13 - 09:07 PM

Geez, here's another one:

Dear Chongo,

A couple years ago I had a baby. The father claimed it wasn't his, but we went to court and the DNA stuff proved that it was. I never did that with anyone else! So the judge said that the father had to pay me something called child support only I haven't seen a cent of it in two years. So I told the judge and she said that she'd take care of it and issued a guarantee or something for his arrest. Anyway, I thought I'd tell you and ask you when I can expect the money?

Sincerely,
Abandoned Momma

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Bobert
Date: 20 Jan 13 - 09:20 PM

Bottom line here??? Asking a poo-chucking monkey with polymorphous perverse guilt issues for advice is like wanting yer daughter to date Charles Manson...

B~

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Pete Jennings
Date: 21 Jan 13 - 07:41 AM

Best leave bottoms out of it, Bobz...

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Bobert
Date: 21 Jan 13 - 08:21 AM

Well, yeah... My bad...

B;~)

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 21 Jan 13 - 09:39 AM

Dear Abandoned,

I'm not sure when you can expect the money. It depends on whether the father has any money, see? If he don't...well, ya can't get blood from a rock, right? And if he gets put in jail, then he ain't gonna earn much money there either.

Does this father come from the Blind River area up in Ontario, Canada by any chance?

- Chongo

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Jan 13 - 09:39 PM

Dear Chonga,

I am currently in DC and seem to be suffering from Inaugural Balls. Is there a cure that you know of for this condition?

Thank you,
B.H.O.

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 22 Jan 13 - 12:19 AM

Dear B.H.O.,

Yer sufferin' from Inaugural Balls? OUCH! That is a real nasty affliction, stubborn as hell, totally drug-resistant, and it usually lasts for 4 years once you got it. Sometimes as long as 8! The only real cure is time. You gotta hunker down, grit yer teeth, and just get through it somehow.

Nixon had it so bad back in 72-74 that he just couldn't take it no longer, so he went for the radical and highly risky shock treatment they call Impeachment. Scary stuff! In my opinion, it ain't worth it. Just hang in until the disease runs its course. There is still life after Inaugural Balls, and it's worth waiting for.

Good luck!

- Chongo

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Jan 13 - 09:41 PM

Here's another one that just came in:

Dear Chongo,

Do you evr skrape yur nukels wen you drag yur nukles on grond whin you wak an git an infekshun when yu use them to wipe yur noze? I do an its not funy. I no yu wood no abote this cuz yu do it I no so how kan I stop it an not bee like yu?

Yur frend
S. McBride.

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 22 Jan 13 - 10:20 PM

Dear S. McBride,

There is no danger of you bein' much like me. Trust me on this. Now, it is a fact that I used to walk quite a bit on my knuckles back when I was a bush ape in the Old Country. But when I started hangin' around with people, which I done from about the age of 8 years old, then I learned to go more toward walkin' only on the hind legs, except when climbin' trees or walls. This way yer hands are free to use guns and other useful tools, see? And you get more respect from humans that way.

You oughta try it. Just think, yer knuckles would heal up and yer hands would be a lot cleaner too. This could result in women showin' a bit more interest in you. A good motivator, ain't it?

So give it a try. And lemme know how it works out, okay?

- Chongo

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 05 Aug 13 - 10:31 PM

Who ya gonna call? Chongo, that's who. He sees all. He knows all.

Got a problem that needs solving? Ask the Chimp!

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Aug 13 - 10:40 AM

Okay, I got a problem fer Chongo:

Given: A beaten zone 10 meters in depth by 5 meters in width following a preliminary bombardment of 20 minutes duration by TOT 155s and HEAT by 175.

Problem: What is the ammunition requirement for the above for a .30 caliber water-cooled Browning machine gun firing at an angle of 45 degrees, and when should the fire be raised to prevent collateral casualties among friendly troops and how many ammunition bearers will be needed to sustain the fire?

It can be assumed that Bangalore torpedoes have cut the wire and mine clearance procedures have been successful.

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: GUEST,Svetlana
Date: 06 Aug 13 - 01:48 PM

Dear Mister Chongo,

I have very big problem. Six month ago my sister answer ad for western man and I don't hear from her. I go to police and they say bad men may have fool her and take her "sex slave". I google Hot Girlz Ukraine to see if I find her and I find this trash. Everything is big joke. Pigs! How would they feel if this was his sister- or maybe daughter? I pray for my sister. Someday she come home.

http://www.theguardian.com/law/2011/jul/02/odessa-ukraine-sex-trafficking-invest

Bobert, Svetlana can advice because I have son and grandson. When he do good say good, when he do bad say bad. Don't get mad. One day he decide. Who knows why. One day he go in toilet, next day same, and next. That's it. Until then just clean up. This is part of life.

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: gnu
Date: 06 Aug 13 - 02:51 PM

Rap! Those are not fair questions. Chimps don't got stripes... and no counting underwear.

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Bobert
Date: 06 Aug 13 - 05:58 PM

Dear Chongz...

How does it feel to wake up every morning thinkin' you are like Rambo and then you look in the mirror and discover that you are you??? Man, that must suck, right???

B;~(

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 06 Aug 13 - 06:04 PM

Rap - Look, buster, don't waste people's time showin' off and askin' questions you already know the answer to just so ya can look smart! That's bad manners. Bad manners won't get you nothin' but hard knocks where I come from, see? You got a military problem? Find a military solution. That takes trainin', money, equipment, soldiers, all that kinda stuff, and you know it, so why am I wastin' time tellin' you what you already know? Hmmm? Get lost.

- Chongo

Svetlana - I fear for what may have happened to yer sister, and I think it's a total disgrace what is goin' on in the former Soviet Union after they was fooled and took for a ride by liars and carpetbaggers who promised everyone "freedom", but who didn't happen to mention how they was gonna rob everyone blind. What you got now is freedom for a few rich oligarchs and corrupt Mafia hoodluns to run roughshod over decent people and ruin lives. What you got is a disaster. The only thing that'll root out the criminal gangs in yer country now is another ruthless dictatorship, I'm sorry to say....because right now it's only money that talks, nothin' else matters, and money ain't got no conscience. I will join in prayers for yer sister. I sure hope she makes it back home safe somehow.

- Chongo

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 06 Aug 13 - 06:30 PM

Bobertz - Yeah, I guess it would suck pretty bad. How long you been havin' that problem?

What I think might work for ya is to come up with a brand new role model, someone who fits yer general talents and abilities better...someone like....

Cheech Marin! Yeah, that would work. He is a lot like you, Bobertz, but he's also rich and successful, see? Give it some thought. I can't see you as Rambo at all....but I can definitely see you as Cheech Marin. Get an old VW bus, paint flowers on it, roll some 12-inch joints, get busted a coupla times, go to San Francisco or Acapulco, smoke yer brains out, shack up with spaced-out hippy girls who say "What's your sign?", camp out on the beach, and make all yer dreams come true!

- Chongo

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: GUEST,Chumpo Chimp
Date: 06 Aug 13 - 06:38 PM

Hey everybody, look at me.

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 06 Aug 13 - 07:05 PM

Hi, Greg! ;-D Want a banana?

- Chongo

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Bobert
Date: 06 Aug 13 - 07:19 PM

Already done all that stuff, Chongz... Got anything new for me to do... No, I ain't taking up skydiving...

Reminds me of my San Francisco story... Even you'll appreciate this...

So back in '70 I converted my band's equipment truck, a 1949 Ford panel truck, into a camper and headed off to the left coast... Got into San Fransisco about midnight... Didn't have a clue where I was... Found what I thought was a park so I parked the truck and me and my son's mother went off to sleep in the back of the panel truck... Now this panel truck was painted up 100% hippie rock 'n roller... You get the picture???

Was awakened 'bout 7:30 the next morning with a bunch of cars around us... Looked out the window and we were in the middle of parking lot for some country club and folks were gettin' their golf clubs out...

Ya' had to be there...

B~

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Aug 13 - 07:38 PM

Coulda been worse, Bobert. You coulda been in a National Guard parking lot.

But I got a question for Chong:

Do I cut the red wire or the blue wire to prevent the thing from blowing up? Please answer quickly as the timer is running.

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Bobert
Date: 06 Aug 13 - 07:40 PM

Which ever wire Chongz tells you to cut, cut the other one, Rap...

B~

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 Aug 13 - 12:15 AM

Funny...Chongo's been sitting around for hours, just chuckling to himself and saying, "Any time now. Any time."

He seems to be waiting for something to happen.

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: GUEST,Skivee-guesting in
Date: 07 Aug 13 - 03:53 AM

Hey, Chongo, could you tell my wife that I was with you last night at the "Chuckle Shack" comedy club on Rt. 15? I had a burger and fries. Got it?
Thanks, I appreciate it.

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: gnu
Date: 07 Aug 13 - 06:41 AM

Skivee... I was there. Saw yer wife. She had a good set.

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Bobert
Date: 07 Aug 13 - 08:59 AM

Set of what???

B;~)

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Aug 13 - 10:57 AM

Chessmen. A good set of chessmen.

Always play chess with women because it always ends in mating.

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Pete Jennings
Date: 07 Aug 13 - 11:36 AM

Bobertz an artizt so it'd end as a draw, surely?









(sorry...)

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 Aug 13 - 11:45 AM

And being a musician, he might then find himself...in a jam!

(If I was from the UK, I would now say: "I'll get me coat...")

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: gnu
Date: 07 Aug 13 - 01:20 PM

Bobert... a good set... she got an enthusiastic response to her performance.

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: GUEST,Svetlana
Date: 10 Aug 13 - 05:50 PM

Thank you Chongo. You are very kind.

I see movie "Planet of the Apes." Gorilla like soldier, police. Orange like boss, run everything. Chimp like intelligentsia, very smart monkey.

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Aug 13 - 10:52 PM

Chimp throw poo-poo like monkey. Chimp ugly, have fleas, carry disease. Chimp have poo-poo for brains.

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: GUEST,Tarzan
Date: 10 Aug 13 - 11:03 PM

No. Cheetah good. Cheetah Tarzan's friend. Help Tarzan.

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: GUEST
Date: 10 Aug 13 - 11:19 PM

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=_mGTz6EC1Ew

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Aug 13 - 10:33 AM

Chong not Cheetah. Chong stupid. Chong wanted by sister Chinga. Chinga feed Chong to ants. Then this thread called "Dear Chinga." Better advice, no poo-poo throwing.

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: GUEST,Chinga
Date: 11 Aug 13 - 01:40 PM

Wait a sec. Let me pick myself up off the floor.

There, that's better.

But what I really want to know is how Tarzan knew about schnapps. I mean, how can you recognize schnapps if you don't speak German? I'm thinking that Cheetah must have been quite the drinker.

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Bizibod
Date: 11 Aug 13 - 01:49 PM

And ,according to the news report , Cheetah threw - not poo-poo, but diva-strops !
New name, same old,same old ?
Got a ring to it.....

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: GUEST,Tarzan
Date: 11 Aug 13 - 05:38 PM

Tarzan think Chongo get very angry at bad talk here! Find bad talkers. Rip heads off. Tarzan maybe help Chongo. Bundolo bad tarmangani!

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Bobert
Date: 11 Aug 13 - 07:31 PM

Rap's got it about right...

Asking a poo chucking monkey for advice ain't all that advisable...

B~

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 11 Aug 13 - 10:30 PM

(sigh) Bobert...

1. He's not a monkey.

2. He doesn't throw poo.

You, sir, haven't got a leg to stand on! Or to put it another way...that dog won't hunt. ;-) And to think you would speak this way about a fine ape like Chongo after all he's done for you! Oh, it's shocking, yes it is. Just shocking. And saddening.

It's like the politicians always say when asked how they feel about some recent tragedy:

"I was shocked and saddened. (Awk!) I was shocked and saddened. (Awk!) Anyone got a cracker? (Awk!)"

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: GUEST,Chinga
Date: 12 Aug 13 - 05:27 AM

Little Hawk, you forgot the rest of it:

"And we're going to do everything we can to make sure that something like this never happens again."

Awk!

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 Aug 13 - 09:35 AM

So right, Chinga, you are so right. ;-D

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Bobert
Date: 13 Aug 13 - 07:53 PM

Yo, Chongz...

What do monkeys think about???

B;~)

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 13 Aug 13 - 08:07 PM

Good question, Bobertz! Yer average bush monkey thinks about food, other monkeys, sex, the weather, and predators. Pretty straighforward stuff, huh?

But then ya got the monkeys that have joined human society, and that's where it gets real complicated. Yer modern societal monkey might be thinkin' about almost anything. Trust me on this. They are still thinkin' about other monkeys, food, the weather, and sex, of course. That goes without sayin'. They ain't thinkin' much about predators no longer, cos you don't find a lotta leopards and such downtown, see? But city monkeys also might be thinkin' about sports, politics, philosophy, auto repair, checkers, booze, Mike Hammer books, TV, the horse races, Hillary Clinton, you name it...basically anything that humans think about.

And this is why some societal monkeys end up havin' emotional problems, and havin' to see a shrink. You'd never find a bush ape that had those kinda problems. Bein' "civilized" has its drawbacks, see? But those of us who've left the bush feel that the price of losin' our natural innocence is still worth the rewards, particularly where liquor, fast cars, and nifty duds are concerned.

- Chongo

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: GUEST,Chinga
Date: 13 Aug 13 - 08:45 PM

Especially liquor...