BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!

Subject: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 18 Jan 13 - 02:12 PM

Dateline: Chicago, Friday, January 18, 2013.

Okay, folks, you probably have all heard the sad news that the legendary Dear Abby, the Queen of advice columnists, has passed away. Let us all bow our heads for a moment of silence...

*******

Okay.

So...I figger it is time for someone else to step in and fill her shoes, offer comfort to all those desperate people out there who are lookin' for advice to solve the problems in their confused little lives.

And that someone is me.

I got the time. I got the experience. I got the nerve. So I am launchin' a national personal advice column, soon to go international, and this IS the inaugural issue of it right here, right in fronta your beady little eyes this very moment!

Tell ALL yer troubles to Chongo. I will offer the advice, answers, and solutions you need. I am waitin' and ready, pen in hand (figuratively speakin').

But keep it tasteful. This is a family column.

- Chongo

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Bill D
Date: 18 Jan 13 - 02:17 PM

Dear Chongo: If a million chimps could type at a million computers for a million years... could they produce any useful advice?

or is that not personal enuf?

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Amos
Date: 18 Jan 13 - 03:02 PM

Dear Chongo, Dear Chongo, my life's at an end
And it's all on account of an imaginary friend
He haunts me by daytime, he haunts me at night,
He bugs me at breakfast, and it just isn't right!
I just can't think straight 'cuz he badgers me so,
And my grip on reality's starting to go.
And sending you my story is all I can do!
ANd I think you can help, cuz he's an ugly chimp too!

Si-i-ii-iigned,

Disassociative

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 18 Jan 13 - 03:27 PM

Dear Bill,

You betcha! They could come up with more useful advice than ya can shake a stick at, my friend. Like, "Hey, Bill? Whyncha buy some new spiffy duds? Them ratty clothes yer wearin' are WAY outta style!" But it would not last for a million years, see? Cos they would be bound to evolve way past usin' primitive devices like the computer in that period of time. I am bettin' we'd be talkin' by direct telepathy at the 500,000 year mark, and we could dispense entirely with the machines. Ook! Ook!

- Chongo

Next?

Dear Dissasociative,

Okay, you got a real serious problem there. Yessiree. It is not a problem to be taken lightly. I have heard of people who ended up at the funny farm when that sorta thing happened to them. What you gotta do is give yerself some severe shock treatment that'll knock it outta yer system, see? First off, you gotta run the shower COLD. Let it run for at least 10 minutes. Then get under it and shower yerself good till yer coconuts and yer little dingus are about to shrivel up and fall off. Then get out, don't bother towlin' yerself off, go to the kitchen and down at least 3 glasses of whisky, neat. No ice. It dilutes the effect. Then put on yer joggin' shoes and a thong and do a few laps around yer neighborhood and stop at every street corner and utter a high-pitched SCREAM!!!!!! This will help a lot. If the delusions persist, however, you may have to take more serious measures. Join the Republican Party. Go to their next local fundraiser dressed in a pink Tutu and carryin' a sign that reads "Gay Men for Jesus!" on one side and "I love Communism, Dick Cheney, AND God!" on the other. The results will help clear yer mind considerable. If all this don't help, the only thing left that I can suggest is:

1. throw yerself in front of a fast-movin' bus

or

2. Decide to just be happy with yer fantasies!

Either way can provide the final solution to yer problem.

- Chongo

p.s. Great poetry! It'd even make a good song. Have you ever thought of a career in entertainment? Look into that. It could be the ticket to a long and successful life.

Next?

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: DMcG
Date: 18 Jan 13 - 03:38 PM

Dear Chongo:

I haven't heard from Dr Guitar for a long time. Have you had a hand (paw, whatever) in this?

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Bobert
Date: 18 Jan 13 - 03:38 PM

Dear Chongo,

I understand this is your specialty but our 2 year old grandson has taken to playing with and throwing his poo... We understand that this kind of behavior is normal for monkey's but this kid ain't a monkey...

Do you have any advice???

B~

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 18 Jan 13 - 03:56 PM

Dear DmcG,

I ain't heard from Doctor Guitar for ages myself. It's worrisome, ain't it? I suggest you put in a missin' person report to the authorities in yer area and see if they can find him, and I am gonna do the same here. With luck, Doctor Guitar will be back soon.

- Chongo

Dear B,

Hmmm. Well, kids will sometimes do some pretty strange things, won't they? Yeah, I got some advice for ya, buster. First off, yer name is goin' on the national Specist Offenders list. Next, yer gonna get a visit from yer local Children's Aid people who will either teach you how to change yer kids diapers and keep him (or her) clean and proper or they'll take yer kid away and do it themselves! Shape up or ship out, mister.

- Chongo

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Ed T
Date: 18 Jan 13 - 04:01 PM

Chongo,
My spouse frequently embarasses me in public. He engages in repetitive crotch scratching? He also frequently puts his hand down his pants and plays with his balls. I find it embarassing, especially at formal events.

I guardedly brought it up to him in the past, and he just shruged it off. His reply was "the're my balls and I'll play 'em when I want to - you're jealous "cause you don't got 'em".

What do you recommend I do?

Signed,

"Going nuts" in Seattle

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Ed T
Date: 18 Jan 13 - 04:45 PM

Chongo,Bonjour j'ai crée ce topic pour vous posez plusieurs questions !   
Pourriez-vous me donner le nom du produit car mon mari me desire il à 80 ans et n'as pas du tout d'erection pourquoi et nous nous aimons et je suis beaucoup plus jeune que lui.

Depuis plusieurs mois j'ai envie de m'acheter un Sex Toy (gode) pour découvrir ce que sa procure comme sensation.    je ne voudrai surtout pas que le colis arrive dans la boîte au lettre ! lol    Il y a possibilitée d'aller chercher son colis à un point relais et que le colis soit 100% discret? Chez un Sexshop, comment est-ce à l'intérieur? Que me conseilleriez-vous de faire ? l'acheter sur un site où le colis est discret ? sexshop ?

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Ed T
Date: 18 Jan 13 - 04:47 PM

Since you advertized, I am just passing them on to you for my friends, Chongo.
Don't get any ideas that they are mine, fella.

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 18 Jan 13 - 05:12 PM

Dear Going Nuts,

Yer spouse has no class at all. You oughta inform him that his behaviour is unacceptable and he either changes it or he loses you. I got a question of my own. Is yer spouse a gorilla? Sure as hell sounds like a couple of dumb gorillas I've known in my time.

- Chongo

Geez, now I gotta go get a French translator somewhere! Renata! Do you know any French?

Hang on. I'll be back in a bit...

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 18 Jan 13 - 05:29 PM

Okay, I got some help with the French. Seems like we got a younger woman here with a much older husband who can't manage the marital duties. In short, he is havin' trouble raisin' the flag up the flagpole, you might say. It ain't even gettin' to half-mast. What she wants is one of them vibrator thingies to even out the situation, but she don't want it to arrive in her mailbox, cos that would be embarrassin'. She is lookin' for a discreet way to pick up the package. Okay...

Dear ....?, (didn't give no name)

What you gotta do is contact some apes or monkeys in yer area and arrange for them to deliver it, hidden in a basket of fruit. This can be done for a reasonable price if you provide a little cash up front. I suggest you go to an ape and monkey bar (or send someone there on yer behalf), find a likely ape or monkey who can help you out, and set it up from there. No one will suspect a thing.

Good luck!

- Chongo

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: gnu
Date: 18 Jan 13 - 05:31 PM

No French, Chongo? Well, you can't be allowed on any Canuck websites.

Sex Toy... comme sensation... la boîte au lettre... le colis soit 100% discret... l'acheter sur un site où le colis est discret... sexshop ?

???

Tu can't get that, la? and ye calls yerself an advice columninst? Learn French... the language of love. Well, even if it's solo.

Good one, Ed! Hehehehee!

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Bobert
Date: 18 Jan 13 - 05:33 PM

Keep yer day job, Chongz... You ain't no Dear Abby... Heck, you ain't no Dear Charles Manson...

B~

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: GUEST,Frank Blunt
Date: 18 Jan 13 - 07:43 PM

Dear Chongo

I am an avid participant in an internet discussion group in which one of the members has become a crashing bore. This member is himself a pontificating, self important, I-am-above-it-all-because-unlike-yourselves-I-am-enlightened type who has created several alter egos. These alter egos have long ago ceased to be clever, funny or cute but he doesn't seem to be aware of that and persists in torturing the other members with them. Can you give me some advice on how to make him aware of this without hurting his feelings.

Frank

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: GUEST,Feral Cheryl
Date: 18 Jan 13 - 08:08 PM

Dear Chongo

Like many of us here I like to monkey around a bit, dance, sing and do the mashed banana. But I also want to understand the nature of this zoo. It seems that some apes want to be the head gorilla (Mr Frank?) by quashing those who seek diversity. Personally I'm into multiples and think its no big deal. There's room for all these apes and some of us hang from a few different trees. Meanwhile, I've heard that the universe can be equated to a monkey looking at itself in a broken mirror. Is that why we all see things so differently?

with thanks for your consideration

feral cheryl.

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Bobert
Date: 18 Jan 13 - 08:17 PM

Dear Moderators,

Here ya have a whacked out monkey settin' up a business right here in Mudville... No license... No credentials... No sanity papers... No nothin'... Just another organ grinin' poo chucker... I mean, if ya'll gonna let this go on the very least ya'll should do is get a cut of any $$$ that the poo chucker extracts for the monkey logic that he's pitchin'...

B~

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: GUEST
Date: 18 Jan 13 - 08:59 PM

Dear Frank,

Yer blunt, allright, but you are treadin' really, really old, stale ground here, like objectin' to Spaw's fart jokes or somethin' else along that line. Yer solution is amazingly simple. Just don't read stuff that bores you. Read the stuff that don't bore you. Then you will be happy.

- Chongo

Dear Feral Cheryl,

Well, I think Frank's got an anger problem. But that should not bring the rest of us down. You are so right that the Universe favors diversity and has got room for all types. The main problem we got is...some people don't want to share the room. Why do we see things differently? Because we ARE different! Dead simple. Enjoy the diversity and don't get angry about it.

- Chongo

Hey, Bobertz? Yer not askin' no questions, yer not here for that, yer just flingin' poop like usual. Verbal poop, that is. Go grind yer own organ and stop rainin' on other folks' parade, I say.

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Bobert
Date: 18 Jan 13 - 09:20 PM

Okay, Chongz... You want a question???

Here it is... If it takes a day and a half for a hen and a half to lay an egg and a half then how long does it take for a monkey with a wooden leg to kick the seeds outta a dill pickle???

Huh???

B~

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Jan 13 - 09:23 PM

Dear Chonga,

...Over the last quarter century Alzheimer's disease had stolen away bit by bit her remarkable intellect....

This was written today by her daughter, who took over the column years ago.

My question is this: Do you have Alzheimer's disease, or have you simply been brain dead for the last quarter of a century?

Sincerely yours,
Chinga

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 18 Jan 13 - 11:42 PM

Dear Bobertz,

How long has that question been troublin' you? Have you considered gettin' professional help of the medical sort? I think you should, cos yer clearly nuts. First of all you are makin' unfounded assumptions about "a hen and a half" when you say it would take them "a day and a half" to produce "an egg and a half". There is no recorded case of such a thing happenin'. I got a question for you. When are you gonna stop wastin' my time here and takin' up my advice column with yer useless nonsense when I could be helpin' people in genuine need of my services? Huh? Go grind on yer organ.

- Chongo

Dear Chinga,

No. And no. Yer questions have been answered. Take a powder.

- Chongo

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 19 Jan 13 - 06:35 AM

Dear Chongo,

Not saying you would know from personal experience, but maybe you could ask Cheetah... Did Jane wear anything under her loincloth?

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Jan 13 - 07:32 AM

Dear Chonga,

Would you help me, please? I'm trying to decide between the ballistics of the Federal 230 grain .45 ACP HST and those of the Speer 185 grain Gold Dot Special. You know all about this stuff, so please let me know which YOU would prefer and the details of why. I mean, like the ballistic co-efficients, raise and drop over distance, and chamber pressure. I'm not interested in +P rounds.

Thanks,
Rapparee

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Will Fly
Date: 19 Jan 13 - 08:18 AM

Dear Chongo

Fuck off.

Got a problem with that?

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 19 Jan 13 - 08:31 AM

Oi chongo, do you get paid in peanuts ? if so you're vastly overpaid.

Your friend, Dave

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Jan 13 - 09:17 AM

If he paid them he'd be vastly overpaid and the amount is irrelevant.

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Ed T
Date: 19 Jan 13 - 09:38 AM

Dear Chongo,
How can I find a rich western man, that's willing to spend lots of $ on me, would welcome my huge extended family into his home, and not place any icky sexual demands on me?

I tried internet advertizing - but only got stale air from old folkiez-fartz with ponyz tailz and long earz and nasal hairz.

Signed,

Hot Girlz
Ukraine

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Stu
Date: 19 Jan 13 - 10:10 AM

Dear Chongo,

I have a fondness for whelks and was thinking of raising my own but have no idea about how to start. As I live miles from the sea, can I raise them on the rather fine heather of the local moorlands?

Yours gastropodidly,

Sugarfoot Jack

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 19 Jan 13 - 11:38 AM

Dear Bee-Dubya-Ell,

I have it on good authority that Jane went commando most of the time, but wore undies on Sundays.

- Chongo

Dear Rapparee,

Stop showin' off, okay? We all know that you know almost as much about guns and ammo as Madonna does about rare sexual practices and positions, and we ain't impressed. Not by you, I mean. By Madonna? Well....maybe.

- Chongo

Dear Will Fly,

Go bugger yer aunt's walrus.

Got a problem with that?

- Chongo

Dear Dave Hanson,

I useta get paid in peanuts a long time ago on the streets of New York, back in the "Dirty Thirties". Now I get paid in cash, by check, and sometimes in fresh fruit, and occasionally even in booze. Whatever gets ya by, right?

- Chongo

Dear Hot Girlz,

You ask how you can "find a rich western man, that's willing to spend lots of $ on me, would welcome my huge extended family into his home, and not place any icky sexual demands on me?"

Well...Ook! Ook! ;-D You have made my day askin' this question, Hot Girlz. The fact is, it would probably be a lot easier to find Jimmy Hoffa. Or the Fountain of Youth. Or the True Cross. Or water in the Sahara. Or an honest politician. But, hey, that's not sayin' it's completely impossible, right? Just very, very unlikely. I hafta admire yer optimism!

Then you go on to say you "only got stale air from old folkiez-fartz with ponyz tailz and long earz and nasal hairz".

You been hearin' from Bobertz, aintcha? Lissen up good here, Hot Girlz. You would be makin' the hugest mistake of yer life to get tangled up with Bobertz...or any of these other burnt-out old folkie characters you mighta been hearin' from. They are mostly real crabby, cos whatever dreams they once had in their youth have pretty well dried up, see? And they gotta take it out on someone. Most days they just take it out on each other by fightin' about politics, hurlin' insults and scorn, makin' snide remarks, and carryin' on their little feuds here in the daily snake pit. But what if YOU was to move in with one of 'em? What then?

Well, I'm predictin' that it would be all wine and roses for a short while...till reality set in. Soon you would find yerself bein' blamed for everything that was goin' wrong in their miserable lives. You would become a doormat, a scratchin' post, a dog to be kicked when things ain't goin' just right. On top of that, you would have to put up with all them creepy sexual demands. They'd be askin' you to do mudwrestlin' with other Ukrainian Girlz and sleazy stuff like that while they watched and tuned up their damn banjos and beat on their bodhrans. It makes me sick just thinkin' about it.

Here is the thing, Hot Girlz. You been advertisin' in the wrong place, see? Fire whoever is doin' yer ads up and get somebody who has a clue what he's doing. Besides which, ain't there any nice men left in the Ukraine, fer Chrissake?

- Chongo

Dear Sugarfoot Jack,

What you need to do, Jack, is petition the government to dig a canal or estuary from the sea directly to your local moorlands. Soon you will have plenty of whelks right at your doorstep. Have you got any dirt on yer local or national politicians? That could be quite helpful.

- Chongo

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Ed T
Date: 19 Jan 13 - 12:21 PM

Thankz Chongo,

Good adviz.

I'll be looking closer at the hotz guyz closer to the home.
Your advice confirmz what my great daddyz used to chime, "You knowz girl, what youz alwayz gonna finda under da ponyz tail"

Hot Girlz
Ukraine

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Jan 13 - 12:26 PM

LOL!

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Jan 13 - 03:49 PM

Dear Chonga,

I'm forwarding this for a friend of mine who is too damned shy to write you under his own MC name. Here is his message, as I scanned it in from his email to me:

Dear Chongo,

I live in a small coastal town in Southern California and squat, ugly, dirty, hairy, male chimps really excite me. I really get excited by ones from Chicago who have big guns, if you understand what I'm saying, and who like to smoke "cigars." I'm into the "rough trade" too. Since you are a Chicago chimp who's tough and rough and dirty and filthy and "smokes cigars" and has a big gun, I thought you might know someone who would like a good time with a guitar player from Southern California. I'd plunk YOU G-string, you know.

Sincerely yours,
"A"

And not, I did NOT write that piece of trash!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Ed T
Date: 19 Jan 13 - 05:00 PM

They keep coming in to me to forward:


Chongo,
I am a workaholic, never knowin' when to stop. I am at it day and night, chop'n, stack'n and chop'n again. It is at a point that it is impacting me negatively and also my relationahip with my family, friends and neighbours. How can I change, and learn when enough work is enough, stop my obsession with work? and unlax.

Signed

Happy Harry, The hairy Woodchuck,
Alder Grove, Saskatchewan

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Bobert
Date: 19 Jan 13 - 08:07 PM

Yo, Chongz...

Remember that little incident in North Carolina??? You know, the one where you signed on to handle my security in the 2008 presidential campaign and Skivz rented that office above the gas station... Well, the landlord is still pissed over the permanent stains and stench in the hardwood floors from yer monkey poo and can't rent the joint until the flooring is replaced and needs $4000 to fix the damages left by you...

If you will just forward the money to me then I'll see that this gets handled...

B~

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: GUEST,Chinga Chimp
Date: 19 Jan 13 - 08:32 PM

Chongo, my dear sister,

You stinking louse-covered puta! Your dirty, stinking, diseased pervert! What are you going to do NOW, you bastard? Mom died from the broken heart you gave her, you prick! Your personal advice (from me) is to run fast and silent, because if I catch you I'm gonna twist your fake balls off and feed them to you!

What do you think about that, you whore?

Your sister,
Chinga Chimp

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 19 Jan 13 - 08:37 PM

Dear "A",

Yeah, I get yer drift. Well, sorry to say, I ain't available these days, cos I'm already taken, but I do know a single Chimp named Sonny Rango, who is available. He just got outta jail again. I will advise him of yer possible interest and forward him yer letter.

Good luck!

- Chongo

****

Dear Happy Harry,

I can well understand what you are goin' through. Bein' a Woodchuck is a fulltime job, and it's a demanding one...at least until hibernation time comes around. This thing about chuckin' wood...it's not easy to draw the line between "enough" and "too much" when it comes to that. Sorta the same as with whisky and women, I find. But you KNOW you have crossed the line into "too much" when yer eyesight starts failin', yer hands start to shake, and you can't get no sleep at night. I feel for what you are goin' through, Harry. My suggestion is to join Wood Chuckers Anonymous (WCA) without delay. There you can draw strength from the community of similarly afflicted large rodents, give yer own testimonials, and slowly gain control of yer addiction by goin' through their 12-step program. I predict that within a year or less you will be chuckin' only as much wood as you really need, and you'll have found the friends of a lifetime.

God bless, little pal! You'll be in my prayers.

- Chongo

****

Dear Bobertz,

You mean you still ain't received the papers yet from my lawyers for the defamation of character suit that we launched against you over those allegations? You hintin' that yer still open to negotiation? Well...I'll tell you what. I am willin' to drop the suit if I receive no less than $25,000 from you within 10 days. We'll just forget about the whole thing in that case and let bygones be bygones. Act, quick, Bobert, cos if you don't, you are up shit creek. Do the smart thing. Settle now. I know I can count on you.

- Chongo

p.s. Yeah, I know Bruce just spent all the money in yer bank account on havin' a wild time with them Ukrainian Internet girls, but you can still get a mortgage on yer house, right? So do it. Think of the relief you'll experience, knowin' you have put this sorry episode behind you.

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Bobert
Date: 19 Jan 13 - 08:45 PM

There ya'll have it...

Monkey poops the floor and now wants me to clean up behind him...

Reminds me of my Couzin Rufus who told the ever lovely Retha May one night after drenking behind the Sweet Springs Store, "If I want shit on the kitchen floor I'll just do it..." to which Retha May, without missing a beat responded...

..."go ahead, Rufe, the undertaker will wipe your sorry ass"...

Nah, Chongz... You do the crime and you do the time...

Anyone who would take any advice from a poo-chuckin' monkey outta have their head examined...

Send the 4 g's and I won't release the pics I have of you with that goat...

B~

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 19 Jan 13 - 08:46 PM

Funny how this job draws all the nutbars outta the woodworks, isn't it? I am gainin' more and more respect for Dear Abby all the time for what she musta had to put up with. Well, here goes with the next one.

****

Dear Chinga,

Get help. Seriously. My Momma died way back in the 1920s when a leopard ate her, back in the Old Country. West Africa. You ain't my sister, you are experiencin' delusions. Either that or you are a hypnotized "Manchurian Candidate" type agent employed by either Dick Cheney or Barack Obama to smear my reputation, in which case there ain't no use talkin' to you, cos it won't do no good.

But I will pray for you. At this point, I figger that's about the only thing left that anyone can do. It's up to the Big Ape in the Sky now.

- Chongo

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: GUEST,Chinga Chimp
Date: 20 Jan 13 - 06:21 AM

Chonga, you little slut! You forced Mom and me to sell our bodies to pay for YOUR sex-change operation! Mom eaten by a leopard! You know damned good and well how she died in my arms, muttering your name and saying that she forgave you! Well, she might have but I ain't, and if you remember anything from "The Old Country" it's the anger of a female chimp! Do you know how you degraded me and Mom? What disgusting things we were forced to do so that YOU could satisfy some weird idea of yours? There were nights when we both went hungry because YOU took all of the money we were forced to make! Well, when I get to you I'm going to break every one of your bones, each by each, saving your "bone" for the very last when I'll make you eat it.

What do you think now, you family-denying scum?

Love from your sister,
Chinga

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Stu
Date: 20 Jan 13 - 09:41 AM

Dear Chongo,

Thank you for your recent advice on setting up a whelk farm on the moors above my house. On reflection, I've decided I really can't be arsed to dig a canal from the sea and so I have decided to keep buying my whelks from the local fishmongers.

I am thinking about keeping one whelk in the manner to which it's become accustomed and teach it to sing cockney pub songs, so it can do a turn when we have people to our jellied-eels evenings.

Cheers me old china!

Sugarfoot Jack

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Pete Jennings
Date: 20 Jan 13 - 10:31 AM

Dear Chongo

I haveta come clean here. I have a drink problem. I can't afford it. Please advise soonest. Better still, send money. That $25 grand you gettin' from Bobz should just about cover it.

Anonymous

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Jan 13 - 10:37 AM

Here's another one I just got:

Dear Chongo,

I'm a sixth grade girl and there's this guy I really like but he don't like me or I don't think he does cause he's always pulling my hair and bothering me. My mom says this means he likes me but I think it's dumb to act that way if you like somebody. You are a man of the world and Mom says you'd know the answer: Are men jerks or just dumb?

Your freind,
Cathy Ann

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Ed T
Date: 20 Jan 13 - 11:15 AM

This just came im to me:

Chongo,


I have been in prison for the past 35 years, and now have the opportunity to "get out" on good behavour. If so, I could find a new career "outside". Inside I have a good job in the laundry. I have also been making a few extra dollars for smokes donating blood every month. For the past 30 years, I also have been donating to a mail-in sperm bank on the outside - (so I suspect I do have family somewhere on outside, if I can locate them).

From what I read in the news, ith all the guns it does not seem that safe "out there". Most people also seem unhappy with their jobs and home life.

Do you recommend I try and stay in the pen, or should I take my chances outside? WAre there any careers you recommend? My past jobs include break and entry and I thought I may have a talent for lock smithing. Is it still a active profession?


Ben in then Pen

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Ed T
Date: 20 Jan 13 - 11:47 AM

Another in an email to me:

Chongo,

I am an old folkie, and hammered out a few songs in the 60's. I don"t remember much about that time anymore, and can't seem to recall how I did it back then (it's all a bit of blurr)?

Problem is, I got something caught in the back in my throat a few years back, when I drank some of "Popcorn's shine". So,I can't sing very well anymore, my voice being quite nasal. In fact, people say it sucks. I'm not saying my sing'n is worse than that Yoko's girl, and it hasn't stopped me from try'in.

My question is, is there anything you can stir up in your chimp cauldron, or suggest something to get my voice back? If it can't be done, should I "pack it in", as not to blow my sing'n-writ'n legacy? I'm not get'n any younger, dude, and the hopes of "get'n it up" again are flickering low.


Signed,
Robert Allen Zimmerman

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: gnu
Date: 20 Jan 13 - 03:05 PM

Dear Chimp,

I have a hairy back and a ceiling fan and when it gets hot in the summer months the air movement caused by the ceiling fan rustles the hair on my back and wakes me up because it feels like spiders are crawling on me. Should I shave my pubic hair for the ladies?

Hairy in Moncton

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 20 Jan 13 - 03:36 PM

Boy, folks, this is a fascinatin' job. It's great, aside from the few odd stalkers and nutjobs who seem to feel impelled to write me with their delusions and idle threats. Other than that, it's turnin' out to be a far better career than bein' a primate eye.

Okay, I got a few more to answer.

***

Dear Sugarfoot Jack,

Yer plan sounds like a good one to me. Glad to be of help!

- Chongo

***

Dear Anonymous (with drinking problem),

The reason you can't afford drinks is simple. You need a job! Go to yer local unemployment office, check the want ads, try door to door, or just wear a sandwich board that says, "Will work to get drunk!" and stand on yer local street corner. Don't expect much, though, cos I know a Baboon who tried that gambit, and mostly all he got was a lotta smart remarks from passersby. I am not gonna send you money, because I ain't in the business of disempowerin' other people by deprivin' them of the chance to find their own strength, see? Gettin' drunk is a worthy objective that I can understand. All you gotta do is take yer God-given talents and apply them, mister! Capiche? Soon you will have enough money to get absolutely blasted when the weekend rolls around, and yer life will improve by leaps and bounds (specially if you happen to be a Kangaroo).

- Chongo

****

Dear Cathy Ann,

I can sense yer frustration. Yep, the sad thing is that most men really are jerks at that younger age you are alludin' to...or they're pretty clueless. If they like a girl, they start pesterin' her, pullin' her hair, throwin' spitwads at her, and doin' all kinds of gross stuff that makes her really mad or disgusted. Grade 6 boys mostly act like idiots! This is also true of many younger Chimps, I'm sorry to say. They hoot, screech, throw fruit (and sometimes worse stuff), jump around breakin' branches to show how tough they are...it's a wonder they ever make it to adulthood without the females hirin' some older and more experienced ape to take 'em quietly out into the bushes and introduce 'em to the Grim Reaper!

Then ya got the ones who are too shy to even talk to you...

But there is hope on the horizon, Cathy Ann. In time them boys will begin to mature, same as a young Chimp does. Right now they are actin' like they don't need you and like you had cooties or somethin'...but wait. In a few years all that will change, and you'll have 'em totally at yer mercy. They will bring flowers and candy, pay for yer meals and transportation, and end up on their knees beggin' you just for a kiss or a kind look! They'll go to movies they don't even like, just so you will have a good time.

That's when you gotta play yer cards real careful, and find yerself one that is the pick of the crop...and that won't turn from Dr Jeckyl to Mr Hyde after a few short years of marriage.

This takes careful judgement. Take note of how he treats not only YOU, but everyone else too. If he's kind and fair to other people, and not just to you, then he's a keeper. Yessir.

In the meantime, you gotta defend yer rights, have a sense of humor about the situation, and be patient. Yer ship will come in.

- Chongo

****

Dear Ben in the Pen,

Hmm. Yer case is a tricky one, Ben. Some people are actually happier "inside", and you might be one of them. The apparent freedom that lies outside the walls of the Big House, can turn out to be a trap for the unwary con if that is the case. On the other hand, you'll never know if you don't give it a try.

Emergin' after 35 years could be a real shock. Things have deteriorated out here in ways you could hardly imagine. The world, frankly, has gone nuts in my opinion, and it ain't gettin' better.

So you gotta think real careful about what move to make.

One possibilty, though, is...you could do the good behaviour, get released, and try out bein' back in society for awhile. If it don't seem to work, just get yerself in a bit of minor trouble...nothin' too serious...just enough to get yerself back inside the joint. Yer problem will be solved and yer questions answered.

I might add that whatever you do decide to do, make sure it don't hurt no one, cos a Chimp in my job can't go advocatin' antisocial crimes to other people. In other words, don't blow up City Hall or rob the bank or nothin' violent, okay? That would be overkill.

For a career, you could try writin' a book about yer 35 years in the pen, spice it up real good with the wildest stories you can remember or invent, and you may soon be getting paid Big Money on the talk show circuit and get to meet buddies of mine, like Clint, Madonna, and Geraldo.

- Chongo

****

Dear Robert,

Yeah. I think I seen you perform a few months back, and I know watcha mean. Gettin' pretty rough allright!

Since yer talent in the writin' end seems to be real strong, I would move more into that, cos I don't think them vocal chords are ever gonna be young and flexible again. Mind you, William Shatner could never carry a tune AT ALL, and that hasn't stopped him makin' repeated forays into recordin', so why should yer whisky gravel voice stop you? If Tom Waites can torture the world the way he does and get away with it, NO ONE needs to feel embarrassed on account of their vocal flaws...providin' they can write...and you can.

You could try goin' to the crossroads too...if you ain't already done that at some point. But if you did, well, I guess there ain't no 2nd option for that.

Anyways, play to yer strengths. Write another book. Hell, the last one was absolutely great! So I figger it's time for Chronicles, Volume 2...or 3...or whatever. I know you like bein' funny with the numbers sometimes.

- Chongo

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 20 Jan 13 - 03:47 PM

Dear Hairy in Moncton,

Yer talkin' about 2 completely different problems there. Okay, first off...the hairy back. I have had trouble with this too. It's pretty freaky wakin' up in the middle of the night with the thought that there are spiders all over yer back, ain't it? I shot the place full of holes the first time it happened, and had to pay a fine for disturbin' the peace, cos they didn't buy my story about the gorillas breakin' in.

Only 1 sensible solution comes to mind. Convince yerself that it ain't spiders at all, but that it's Angelina Jolie, and she is runnin' her fingers gently over yer back hair. This works great. Trust me. (Or if she ain't yer type...just pick whoever is.)

"Should I shave my pubic hair for the ladies?"

Hmm. Depends on which ladies, doesn't it? You gotta choose between priorities here. Seems to me kinda unreasonable for ladies to demand that sorta thing of a man...or men to demand it of women either, but it takes all kinds, right? You gotta decide what matters the most to you, that's all. I blame the modern media for this bizarre obsession with hairless pubes that is sweepin' the nation. It's not natural, and I got no sympathy with it.

- Chongo

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Bobert
Date: 20 Jan 13 - 03:53 PM

Yo, Chongz,

How ya' coming with your polymorphous perverse guilt therapy sessions... Glad I ain't got that problem...

B~

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: Ed T
Date: 20 Jan 13 - 04:18 PM

Another one just came in:


Chongo,

People always make fun of me 'cause I am short and have tiny legs, and I could never keep up with the big boys or play in their games. Outside of being short, I have a long body, and get called hot dog, or centepede all the time. Yesterday, an old patronizing lady come up to me, singling me out from others patted my head and said "ain't he sweet,and soooo tiny, it's a wonder he can lift his leg to pee".
It is starting to get to me Chongo. I am a peace-loving dog - but one of these days I am going to loose it and either bite or pee on one of these old babes.

Well that is one problem, the other issue for your advice is below:

I have my eye on a shapely Newfouundlander, but she is very verry big and doesn't seem to notice me much. How do you suggest I approach her? If she has an interest in "get'in wit me" , do you see any romantic or other issues with the size difference. And, BTY, I would love to have young ones with her. (and, please, none of those, "put'n me on" wise cracks)

Danny the Dachshund,
Oscaryerville, Kt

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Chongo - personal advice column!
From: olddude
Date: 20 Jan 13 - 04:40 PM

Dear Chongo Dear Chongo my pee pee was broke
It hurt really bad and I can't even stroke
I went to the doctor he shoved up a tube
But now when I have sex
make sure I lube

Si-igned Slick Willy


apologies to John Prine :-)