BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 25 Dec 17 - 11:57 PM

"201 !" Says the giant wombat.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 26 Dec 17 - 12:27 AM

"Hey Rap, that should be shaken, not stirred!" Sir James says. " How many times do I have to tell you?"

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 26 Dec 17 - 12:31 AM

Teresa Terrific laughingly says "Good to see you boys Bonding."

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 26 Dec 17 - 12:33 AM

And Severn says "My puns aren't bad, just misunderstood."

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 26 Dec 17 - 12:35 AM

TT says " Well, they can stop standing under me!"

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 26 Dec 17 - 01:05 AM

Ahah! The pot sickens ( having been left off the flame for too long). I just noticed this from last year- How many years has the giant wombat been coming here, before performing his sleigh-pulling duties ? And is it the Same giant wombat each year?

Or do they take turns?

"Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016n
From: Sandra in Sydney - PM
Date: 20 Dec 16 - 05:28 AM

sandra saunters in, having left a giant wombat in the stable where it started eating the straw in the stall where an unfazed Ebbie placed it.

Giant wombats are herbivores, allegedly extinct 25,000 years ago & they certainly don't belong to people (maybe people belong to giant wombats??) Maybe JennieG will sort out the situation when she gets back.

sandra places an order for hot spiced orange juice and a chicken sandwich & looks around ..."

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 26 Dec 17 - 01:09 AM

The Tavern librarian , a handsome orange-otang, takes it upon himself to start an inquiry. He sidles over to Sandra to ask a few questions.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: JennieG
Date: 26 Dec 17 - 01:12 AM

There's probably a stable of giant wombats especially bred for tavern duties......

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 26 Dec 17 - 01:18 AM

"Outside of a giant wombat, a book is your best friend.





Inside of a giant wombat, it's too dark to read." Says the librarian.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 26 Dec 17 - 09:07 AM

Maybe no one gnu but it is unwise to feed Oxy to moles and trolls.

By golly those bossy Nazi moles on oxy-poppy are cocky zombie Nazis.

An Aussie autopsy by a glossy saucy paparazzi story showed frosty bodies in oxy saki sauce E-mails.

Rightie's hobbies to lobby for oxy coffee and toffee is kovfefe since oxy is deadly for alkies.


I'll get me Taxi.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Dec 17 - 11:04 AM

Uber the top, Donuel!

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 26 Dec 17 - 11:07 AM

I think Donuel has had a bit too much of the Tavern Brew.


But at least he is awake ( I think) and commenting!


Teresa Terrific looks around, and says "Where is everybody?"

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 26 Dec 17 - 04:51 PM

As darkness falls, the tavern is almost empty. Only the assorted chori, the wombat, and the oversized felines remain to keep Teresa Terrific company, with Rap, Donuel, Severn and beardedbruce dozing off at the bar. The alligator looks at his watch ( with the dodo leather watchband) and thinks about the end of his shift.

The door on the SWS side opens, and in comes

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 26 Dec 17 - 05:17 PM

a moderate crowd, bringing a birthday cake with 69 + 1 candles.

"Someone here by the name of 'Severn'? This might be early, but we wanted to get it out- that many candles is a fire hazard." says the baker.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 26 Dec 17 - 05:19 PM

Teresa Terrific says " Drinks on me!" as the chori line up bodyshots.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 26 Dec 17 - 06:49 PM

Reverend Severn in full Regalia, jeans T shirt and coat, slowly and deliberately offered personal amnesty and blessings to each and every survivor of the weekend still immobile and hung over.
"Eternum forgottenae olde acquaitensea" When all the virtual animals harmed were blessed and living non lifeforms interred in the pit, Severn slowly withdrew while on the phone "whaduya mean the station went dead?"

Camera zooms in on what could be a flickering time distortion nexus as a kovfefe worm wriggles into view...fade to white.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Dec 17 - 08:46 PM

Deep in his cups, he sings soundlessly. His dagger falls from his doublet and sticks point-first in the puncheon floor. The ruby in its pommel, particularily pertinent for pummeling poor pumas, glints in the firelight.

In the darkness outside, a Wyrm approaches.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 26 Dec 17 - 09:04 PM

A wealthy puma sneaks in, and snags the ruby from the puma pummeling pommel. He takes it over to the dwarf scowler, who is talking to the Orange-atang librarian.

"Does this have any value, having been pried from a heathen idol's eye, given to the Church and used by a Cardinal of dubious virtue, and 'obtained' by Rap on a trip he does not talk about?"

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 26 Dec 17 - 09:10 PM

She pulled the dagger from the floor and placed it to her lips as to say "shh". Rap lookd up and saw it was her, the Dame of Groans.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 27 Dec 17 - 07:11 AM

Licking her lips, a small, perfect drop of blood appears on the damascened steel blade.

"Hey, watch that! I don't want it to rust." Rap says.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 27 Dec 17 - 07:14 AM

Without the protective power of the puma pummeling pommel ruby, Rap finds himself drawn ( poorly, with a no. 2 pencil) to her eyes.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 27 Dec 17 - 07:26 AM

---------technical digression:

Wootz steel originated in India. There are several ancient Tamil, Telugu, Greek, Chinese and Roman literary references to high carbon Indian steel since the time of Alexander's India campaign. The crucible steel production process started in the 6th century BC, at production sites of Kodumanal in Tamil Nadu, Golconda in Telangana, Karnataka and Sri Lanka and exported globally; the Tamils of the Chera Dynasty producing what was termed the finest steel in the world, i.e. Seric Iron to the Romans, Egyptians, Chinese and Arabs by 500 BC.

A 200 BC Tamil trade guild in Tissamaharama, in the South East of Sri Lanka, brought with them some of the oldest iron and steel artifacts and production processes to the island from the classical period. The Arabs introduced the South Indian/Sri Lankan wootz steel to Damascus, where an industry developed for making weapons of this steel. The 12th century Arab traveler Edrisi mentioned the "Hinduwani" or Indian steel as the best in the world.

Wootz is characterized by a pattern caused by bands of clustered Fe
3C particles made of microsegregation of low levels of carbide-forming elements. The presence of cementite nanowires, and carbon nanotubes has been identified by Peter Paufler of TU Dresden in the microstructure of wootz steel. There is a possibility of an abundance of ultrahard metallic carbides in the steel matrix precipitating out in bands. Wootz swords, especially Damascus blades, were renowned for their sharpness and toughness.

------------------------------end of digression

Rap shakes off the rising hypnotic effect, and grabs for his highly prized dagger.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 27 Dec 17 - 09:15 AM

...and learns that one does not grab a dagger, highly prized or otherwise.

He sinks back in his bench and opens a band-aid (sticking plaster) for his fingers.

Then, the flow of blood staunched, he reaches to his left and draws his rapier (actually a colichemarde) and his pistol (a Queen Anne style, in flint). The pistol is, of course, unloaded, as he doesn't wish to hurt anyone. The sword, however, is good, honest steel.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 27 Dec 17 - 09:44 AM

Drawing on a pair of Kevlar gloves, beardedbruce dis-daggers the Dame.

"No need for (more) bloodshed" he says to Rap.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 27 Dec 17 - 04:36 PM

The birthday is actually on the 30th, but we can celebrate as many times as you want to.

Severn looks at the cake, and blowing all 69 candles....

("How did you do that, Severn?" asked gnu?
"The answer is, blowing out the wind", he replies.
The Chorus starts in to singing:

"Sing choirs of gibbons,
Sing by exhalation....")

...."Now have at it, folks and drink up, as well, I can't. I'm diabetic" as he stares down at his can of Zevia Ginger Ale and sighs......

"Why's the cake so big?" asks Donuel.
"Besides needing space for 69 candles, it turns out that I couldn't persuade Sandra, Mrrzy or Acme to jump out of it., said the baker.
"Not for ANY amount of money would I go inside a cake" says Acme. "Bakers can't be choosers, you know."
"Now you tell me" says Teresa. "I could use the money."
"Where would you PUT it?" asks Mrrzy.


"No need any more for the blood shed?" calls out a Red Cross volunteer. "Does that mean we can lock it up and go home?"
"The week is young yet" says Bruce. "Check out over by where Rap is."
Some of the bats are eying the blood shed. "I dodn't think we HAD any vampires up in the belfry" whispered Severn to gnu.
"Maybe they're relatives visiting for the holidays" replies gnu.



Having been declared as "misunderstood", Severn asks Teresa Terrific if she wants to be Queen of the Miss Understood Pageant.
"I'd take it, you'd want me to be "understanding" the mistletoe over there where it "oversits"?......

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Dec 17 - 05:31 PM

Why does steel never admit to its crimes?

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 27 Dec 17 - 11:56 PM

The Wyrm knocks on the Northern door.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 28 Dec 17 - 09:27 AM

"Hey! Is anyone here? I've been dragin' all day, and could use a pick-me-up." the Wyrm says.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 28 Dec 17 - 11:17 AM

Is it blue? Without Yule, I am blue and drag on.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 28 Dec 17 - 11:46 AM

Why yes! It IS a Blue Wyrm.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 28 Dec 17 - 11:53 AM

Is it by any chance the Lambton Worm? In which case, wheesht lads, haad yer gobs...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 28 Dec 17 - 12:01 PM

No, I think it is a kindler, gentler Wrym. Though it may well drink milk- Wryms do have to worry about ulcers from all those hot knights.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 28 Dec 17 - 12:07 PM

And I would think the Lambton worm would be more likely to frequent

http://sonnet43pubs.com/the-lambton-worm/


If he were to be at the Tavern, I would expect it to be as an invited guest, and come with others.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 28 Dec 17 - 12:39 PM

Ah, I've got it.... it's a Thread Worm!!

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 28 Dec 17 - 12:40 PM

Are there any hot knights around here in the tavern please? I'd quite like one...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 28 Dec 17 - 12:40 PM

The Oily Boid, freshly rescued from a pipeline spill, takes one look at the size of the wyrm, turns around and heads back to its home to go back to sleep.....


The alligator brings the wyrm a bottle of Mescal and and a straw, supposedly so it can free a relative at the bottom of the bottle.....



The gibbon MC of the Hairy Simian Chorale steps up to the mic and proclaims "Alright, everybody, we've got a special guest. Please give a worm welcome to our old friend LAILY"!
After a round of applause and a long pull at the straw, Laily is backed by the group on a version of the old Percy Sledge hit, "Wyrm And Tender Love". More applause, after which he heads for the Serpent's Quarters.....

Teresa Terrific explains to Severn, "So far in my short sweet life, I've been crowned Miss Judgement by a judiciary committee, Miss Calculation by the Society For Mathematics Professors, Miss Direction for Google Maps and a whole lot more. I've won the Miss Alaneous crown for five years straight. I have no more room on my mantle piece. for any more trophies. You say you're 69 years old and have no money, so are YOU to be considered a trophy?"
Hell, a lot of the time, they even leave out the letter space between the "a" and the "t", but I'm a good man for all that...."
"Usually, if I wanted to leave with something somewhat battered and crispy, I'd be talking about carryout chicken or fish, but step over here for a well deserved birthday present. Don't get any ideas, because, believe it of not, I'n still a virgin......
Severn thinks that whether she's a revised stranded virgin or under the protection of King James, she's still Good News For Modern Man......

The wealthy Puma turns out to be a relative of Xavier Cougar & Abbey Lion frim the Big Banned Days.....

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 28 Dec 17 - 12:56 PM

A random bat drops red-and-green things on Eliza parcequ'elle, la chauve-souris, l'adore! Also drinks are sent over. Several.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 28 Dec 17 - 01:24 PM

La vieille Eliza attrape la chauve-souris avec enorme plaisir et un gros bisou.

Those dreaded Siamese cats are singing to the giant wombat, who is hurriedly inserting earplugs.

The Worm slowly advances (it's actually a sloe worm) and hisses, but the Siamese cats are not at all afraid.

Clutching a toasted crumpet dripping with butter, the old lady sips her Old Speckled hen ale and starts to dance the mapouka.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Dec 17 - 07:17 PM

Over in the corner he crawls the walls in his sleep. Like Spiderman, he's a pretty good wall-crawler and is soon up among the bats.

"Batty," says Sev. "Better batty. Bitter, but better batty."

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: keberoxu
Date: 28 Dec 17 - 07:31 PM

Red and green things?

Sounds like ristras of chile peppers from New Mexico.
Is this a Mexican fruitbat??

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 28 Dec 17 - 10:05 PM

The vampire bats, just off from their day jobs at the phlebotomy department, Rush over to checkout Raps still bloody fingers. "Good to see the kitchen is still open . " one mutters.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 29 Dec 17 - 02:08 AM

The Siamese cats hiss at the wyrm and start singing ("if you can call it that", grumbles the wombat):

"Slime little sloe wyrm, slimmer, slimmer...."

The wombat grabs both of the cats, ties their tails together in a triple knot, swings them around by their joined tails over his head a few times and finally lets fly with them as hard as he can. With a horrible shriek (though actually more on key than their singing), they fly out the open doorway to the beach, which had been somewhat enlarged by the departing rhino, and way out over the ocean so far that we can't even hear the splash.

After a long and lingering pre-, birthday kiss from Teresa that he'd been hoping would last clear into his birthday, Severn is grinning from ear to ear.
"Thank you, O kind and beautiful lady" he tells her. "I've always maintained that every kiss tells a story, though some, alas, can be expressed in a single punctuation mark, but if you ever want to collaborate on creating the Great American Novel, I'm game, and always in season."
"Let's. Just leave it as a very sweet memory" she replied. Unnoticed, she pulls down the mistletoe and disposes it in a nearby receptacle. "That was actually enjoyable enough," she thinks, "but if I leave that stuff hanging, all those guys will suddenly be claiming. birthdays., and all that sudden aging gets old real fast...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 29 Dec 17 - 02:56 AM

Well, says the Gnome, that just goes to prove you CAN swing a cat in here...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 29 Dec 17 - 03:30 AM

A strange, distant sound is heard, which is getting ever louder. It resembles a thousand air-raid sirens. Over the horizon appears a gigantic cruise ship, several decks high, and along each rail stand hundreds of Siamese cats, singing at the tops of their voices. Clutching their now-unknotted but rather sore tails, the two loudest stand at the prow, glaring landward...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 29 Dec 17 - 07:49 AM

Looking at the wombat, Rap notices "He has no way to tie knots!"

Tech aside:
----------------------------------------------------------
Diprotodon superficially resembled a rhinoceros without a horn. Its feet turned inwards like a wombat’s, giving it a pigeon-toed appearance. It had strong claws on the front feet and its pouch opening faced backwards. Footprints of its feet have been found showing a covering of hair which indicates it had a coat similar to a modern wombat.
------------------------------------------------------------

"without opposable thumbs, the Giant Wombat COULD NOT have tied a triple knot. "Someone is providing a false trail!"



Thousands of angry Siamese cats approach the enlarged and uncloseable beach door...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 Dec 17 - 08:09 AM

Fly away! Fly away!

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 29 Dec 17 - 08:13 AM

The Siamese cats come in, and the two in front start towards Severn.

Soon, he is hip-deep in angry cat.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 29 Dec 17 - 08:23 AM

Fortunately, a gentle, smiling African chap arrives. He knows the Magic Word and immediately utters it. "Cheeeken!" The entire army of cats subsides. Severn heaves a sigh of relief and attends to the claw-marks on his bottom. Munching on roast poultry, the Siamese smile benignly and even stop singing for a while.
The old lady has become rather tired from performing the Mapouka dance, and orders another Old Speckled Hen ale from the bar. The African chap opens a plastic lunchbox and eats his Spicy Horror dinner.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 29 Dec 17 - 08:31 AM

(Thanks, Senoufou!)

The Wyrm starts up a conversation with the gentle, smiling African chap. " Magic words are of great interest to me: Care to have a private discussion over in one of the 16 corners?" says the Wyrm, eyes brightening with the thought of further learning.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 29 Dec 17 - 09:09 AM

Severn slinks silently over to the bar, and downs a ( sugar-free, non-alcoholic ) double. "No more grabbing cats for me!" he sighs.