BS: First Joke Thread for 2019

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Neil D
Date: 21 Apr 19 - 12:13 AM

A priest and a nun are crossing the desert on a camel which proceeds to up and die. Sitting there next to the dead camel, out of water in the middle of the desert, the priest says "sister I believe were going to die. Before we do there's something I always wanted to try." He pulls out his penis and the nun, gasping , says "father, what is that?" The priest says "sister this is that which gives life". The nun thinks for a moment and asks "Why don't you stick it in that camel so we can get the hell out of here?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Apr 19 - 06:22 AM

I went to the zoo yesterday, but all it had was one little dog. It was a Shih tzu.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 21 Apr 19 - 03:24 PM

I said 'I'm leaving you'!! ..........She asked 'Why'?........... I said because I'm homesick'.            She said 'But this is your home'.             I said 'I know and I'm sick of it'!!!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red
Date: 22 Apr 19 - 03:54 AM

Whatever do they feed the horses on round your way, Mr Red, to make it slippery. Are you sure it wasn't cows causing the problem? in India maybe.

In Hollywood & the UK there were far less cows pulling toffs in hansom cabs AKAIK. And whatever you feed horses on, it just melts when it rains. And UK weather ................

There was a Victorian trade of "crossing sweeper" (& I presume Hollywood had reached the reached such sophistication if not yet the degredation) to clean the road in an informal "cross walk" for toffs and ladies in long skirts to cross in relative ease. A bit like squeegie bandits at junctions these days, they did it for the tips.

And we thought pollution was a recent phenomenon! Solved by the motor car! Begs the question, what downside will electric vehicles produce as they solve the current problemo? I predict it will be the re-cycling of batteries. But predicting the future is a joke. Not funny but .................

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Apr 19 - 04:51 AM

All this talk of horses pulling things....What is this? Some kind of a yoke thread...?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 24 Apr 19 - 06:15 PM

The man who invented the ‘Hokey Pokey’ died last week. Things went OK until they tried to put him in his coffin…. ‘’They put his left leg in’’

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Apr 19 - 07:45 PM

And he overdosed on Viagra just before he died so that he wouldn't roll over as they carried his coffin...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 25 Apr 19 - 01:57 PM

During the occupation of France a Nazi officer swaggered into a Paris brothel, grabbed the most attractive woman and dragged her up to an upstairs room where the tore off her clothes, threw her on the bed and brutally ravished her
When he finished, he boasted lodly, "In nine months time you will give birth to a handsome blond child; you may call him Adolf - Heil Hitler"
She replied "In a few days time your willie will begin to itch, and will become covered with festering sores - You may call it a skin infection - Vive La France"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 25 Apr 19 - 07:38 PM

Dad was putting his daughter to bed when, putting her hands together and closing her eyes, she said "God bless mummy; God bless daddy; God bless grandma; goodbye grandad". The next morning, grandad was about to tuck into a hearty breakfast when he clutched his chest and collapsed. He died before the ambulance arrived.

A few weeks later, the little girl was again saying her prayers when she said "God bless mummy; God bless daddy; goodbye grandma". The next morning, grandma was found dead in bed. Of course, it could have been just a coincidence - or was there something more to it? He decided to keep it to himself rather than upset his wife at what was already a stressful time.

Some months went by without event until one evening she said "God bless mummy; goodbye daddy". Much as he decided to dismiss it from his mind, he nevertheless decide to go into work by public transport rather than risk driving. At the office, he took the stairs rather than the lift. He passed on eating lunch and by the afternoon he couldn't concentrate on any of his work. The journey home was a torture and, by the time he arrived home, he was a bag of nerves. He closed the door behind him and saw his wife standing in the hallway.

"I've had a terrible day" he said, almost crying.

"You think you've had a terrible day?" she replied. "What about me? The milkman dropped dead on the step this morning".

DC

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 29 Apr 19 - 02:16 PM

I went to the house of some friends this afternoon. There was a note saying ‘’Out! please hide in garage’’. Was in there two hours and my friend came in . He said what on Earth are you doing in here? I said ‘’I read your note and hid in here’’. He said ‘’You fool, the note was for our delivery man’’.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 01 May 19 - 03:48 AM

At an army training camp, news comes through that the father of one of the recruits has passed away. The officer in charge, wishing to pass the buck, informs the sergeant major, saying "You're closer to the men Sergeant Major. Perhaps it would be better coming from you."

"Yes sir" replies the sergeant major with a smart salute.

He steps out onto the parade ground and bellows "TOMKIN, HERE! NOW!!". He dashes up and the sergeant major says "The CO says your father's dead. Carry on Tomkin".

"Sergeant Major" protests the officer. "That was a little, erm, insensitive".

Two weeks later news comes through that, sadly, Tomkin's mother has also passed away. The officer calls the sergeant major and says "This time, I want you to break the bad news more gently. Try to be - how shall I put it? - a little less direct".

"Very good sir" replies the sergeant major. "Right you lot! Get yourselves fell in - AT THE DOUBLE. Anyone with at least one parent living, fall out to the canteen. WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING TO, TOMKIN?"

DC

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Joe_F
Date: 02 May 19 - 07:03 PM

Scarcely had the marriage been consummated, when the husband succumbed to jealousy. He fell into a troubled sleep, and dreamed that an angel had come down to relieve his anxiety. The angel gave him a ring, and told him that as long as he wore it, his wife was certain to be faithful. But as soon as he put the ring on, it began jerking violently as if trying to pull itself off. During the struggle, he heard his bride's voice yelling "Stop that!" and awoke to find his finger you must not imagine where.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 May 19 - 10:45 AM

AaaaaaAaaaAaaaargh! (News of Chewy's death)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 May 19 - 08:04 PM

What is ET short for?
Um, extraterrestrial?
Nah, it's so he can fit into his tiny little spaceship.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 May 19 - 08:37 PM

What is ET short for?

Cos he's only got little legs...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 28 May 19 - 10:34 AM

Now I must punish you.

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Smellmop.
(Then laugh if they give the expected response.)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 May 19 - 11:53 AM

Knock knock

Who's there?

Control freak - now you say "control freak who?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 28 May 19 - 05:00 PM

2 golfers were in the middle of their round when an electric storm started. When 1 pulled out a 1-iron & held it up high, his partner asked "what on EARTH are you doing? There's lightening about!" To which he calmly replied "not even God can hit a 1-iron"; my song, from WalkaboutsVerse, "Lingolf"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 28 May 19 - 05:53 PM

Why did da Danes put bar codes on all deir ships? So dey could scan da navy in.

Remember the Interruption Cow knockknock joke? Interruption Giraffe works the same, but you stick your tongue out instead of mooing...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 May 19 - 06:12 PM

I've said it before and I'll say it again.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

M. A. B. it's a big horse.

M. A. B. it's a big horse who?

M. A. B. it's a big horse I'm a Londoner...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 15 Jun 19 - 11:12 AM

Why is it hard to tell when a pterodactyl is using the loo?






Because the pee is silent.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 16 Jun 19 - 11:22 AM

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly towards four men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one man and he clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed to the man, and apologised. ‘'Please let me help. I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could Relieve your pain if you'll let me’' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' he replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he agreed to let her help.
She moved his hands to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She provided tender and artful massage for several long minutes. ‘'How does that feel?’’ she asked. He replied: ‘'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken’’.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Jun 19 - 11:52 AM

A man rushed up to me in the street and cried "Quick! Quick! Have you seen a policeman around here?"

"No," I replied.

"Good!" he said, "Stick 'em up..."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 16 Jun 19 - 01:36 PM

The dinner party was in full swing with both wine and conversation flowing freely when the dining room door opened and in walked the six year old daughter of the house. As she stood there in dripping wet pyjamas, she cast an accusing glance at the men around the table. She pointed at each in turn, saying:
    "Either YOU or YOU or YOU left the toilet seat up and I FELL IN!"

DC

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Jun 19 - 09:15 PM

Georgiansilver, that's a bloody cracker. I told it to my 90-year-old mum today and she laughed so much I thought I was going to have to call for a paramedic...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 18 Jun 19 - 11:23 AM

Thanks Steve Shaw....... Here's another for you to tell your mum.       A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 20 Jun 19 - 10:04 AM

A clergyman was pleased to secure a post as vicar to an island parish. It was the ideal rural position, far from the violence and crime surrounding his previous inner-city church. He was a popular preacher and the church was always full, with people from all over the island attending.

One day, however, his faith was shaken when he found that his bike had gone missing from the vicarage garden. With no visitors to the island and the ferry not due until the weekend, it had to be one of the locals. What hypocrites, he thought to himself, sitting there all prim and proper on Sundays while doing the Devil's work during the week.

He decided that, on the coming Sunday, he would base his sermon on the ten commandments. When he got to "Thou shalt not steal", he would stare at each member of the congregation in turn, as if looking into their souls. Even if no-one owned up, he was confident that his bike would reappear in the vicarage garden, no questions asked.

All was going well until he reached "Thou shalt not commit adultery" when he remembered where he had left his bike.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 27 Jun 19 - 07:03 AM

A First Nation man married a Chinese-American woman. They were nervous about a cross-cultural wedding but both sets of parents were supportive. The man's parents gave them a voucher for 2 weeks residency every year at the family holiday teepee on Lake Kitchikoomie and the wife's parents gave them a pair of Dogs of Fu. All went well and they were expecting their first child, a boy. The husband said he wanted a traditional name for the boy but nothing common like Crazy Horse or Running Bear and he didn't want to upset his wife's family. "I've got it" he said, "we'll call him "Two Dogs Fu." "Are you crazy?" his wife said...
(wait for it)

..."our surname is King"

(I'll get me coat)

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 01 Jul 19 - 12:47 PM

No kidology, InternationalJokeDay is trending on Twitter.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Aug 19 - 06:50 AM

Man chatting up young woman who he's just met asks her, what's your name then? Carmen, she sez. That's a nice name, he sez. What does it mean? It means I like cars and I like men, sez she. So what's YOUR name then? Sez he, Beershag...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 31 Aug 19 - 07:41 AM

A couple going home one night in a car after a dance stop in a country lane for a snog - one thing leads to 'the other', but she hesitates and tells him he'll "have to wear one"
"One what", he asks?
She explains what she means and he looks puzzled saying, "I've never heard of one of those - where can I get one ?"
"As it happens" she says, "I've got one in my handbag"
"What do I do with it" he asks ?
Sighing, she takes it out, holds up her thumb, rolls it into place and tells him "like that" - then she takes it off and hands it to him - "now you do it".
They get down to the business and, after a few minutes she says, "Are you sure you've got it on right - "I'm all wet".
"I think so", he says, holding up his thumb
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 31 Aug 19 - 10:47 AM

What's the difference between a Born-Again Christian and The Pope in the bath ?
One has hope in his soul, the other has soap.....
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 31 Aug 19 - 11:36 AM

Apparently the man who invented predictive text has passed away. His funfair is on Monkey.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Aug 19 - 11:46 AM

From the Tim Vine radio show. If you have groans, prepare to shed them now:

Two tapeworms were chatting inside the intestine of a high-ranking army officer. One said to the other, "You look a bit miserable today. Everything okay?"

"Oh, it's nothing in particular," sighed the other, "just life in general..."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 31 Aug 19 - 12:24 PM

We live a few miles south of the Burren, in County Clare - this weekend sees the end of the annual Matchmaking Festival at Lisdoonvarna, where elderly farmers used to go to find young wives to be their housekeepers (among other things!)
This is one of the stories connected with the custom (also told in the Appalachians, by the way)

An old bachelor farmer working his farm in one of the most remote areas of the Burren, used to go regularly into Lisdoon to stock up on supplies when they ran out
One Saturday he set out into town on his donkey and cart to stock up for the Autumn, forgetting that the Matchmaking was still in fill spring
Down the long narrow rock road he went until he arrived in the town; he was a little puzzled to see the hundreds of people crowding the streets of the normally quiet towneen
He bought what he needed, carried them out and piled them high onto the back of the cart.
As the poor beast dragged the overloaded cart out of town, the farmer spotted a young one standing on the side of the street looking to be hired for the season - the farmer, remembering what time of year it was,strode over to her and made his bargain - the two walked back to the cart and he lifted up to sit on the pile of goods
They drove along the Ennistymon Road until they came to the farmer's turn-off and began to make their way up the steep, stony track - a half mile into the journey, the donkey stumbled - "That's one" said the farmer - the girl sat there bemused, but said nothing.
A mile further the poor beast stumbled again: "That's two" said the farmer - again, the woman, held her peace.
A mile further the animal stumbled a third time.
"That's three" said the farmer and walked around the back of the cart, scrabbled under the goods and pulled out a large, thick blackthorn stick; walking around to the front, he struck the donkey a mighty blow between the eyes, killing it stone dead
Well - your wan was horrified - she leapt down off the cart and screamed at the man: "Why did you do that - it wan't the poor creature's fault you overloaded the cart - what are we going to do now; we're nowhere near a house, it's getting cold and dark, its beginning to rain and I only have light shoes..... how are we going to get home?
The farmer looked at her coldly and said quietly - "That's one"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Sep 19 - 09:35 PM

I went on the Big Dipper at Blackpool Pleasure Beach. For half the ride I was laughing my head off, but for the other half I was in floods of tears.

It was an emotional roller-coaster...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Sep 19 - 03:18 AM

Funny girl - we went to bed, I put my p.... in her hand and she said, "I'll put it under the pillow and smoke it in the morning"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 02 Sep 19 - 04:58 AM

Last year, I joined a support group for anti-social people. We haven’t met yet!
I joined a support group for people with memory loss which was supposed to meet at 2pm on Monday. Nobody turned up!!
Went to the Loneliness support group today but no-one else came.
Was going to the Vegan support group today but realised it could be a missed steak.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Sep 19 - 05:15 AM

Was thinking of going to the Hernia Support Group yesterday but I didn't want to be held up.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Sep 19 - 06:11 AM

They have refused to allow the entry of men wearing trusses into taking part in 'Come Dancing' - they said it restricts the ballroom
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 02 Sep 19 - 07:41 AM

An epitaph from the 18th century, its' called ' On Aberdeen '

Here lies the body of Elizabeth Charlotte,
Born a virgin, died a harlot,
A virgin still a 17,
A remarkable thing for Aberdeen.

Dave H

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Sep 19 - 03:40 PM

Reminded by the greyhound thread - probably told this before but so may jokes - so little time

A gambling addict down to his last few sheckles decides to blow them all on one last race so he sets off for Wimbledon Dog Track
Going through the main gate he is accosted my a man who tells him about this wonderful dog which is guaranteed to win every race it enters - affret listening patently for a few minutes, the gambler is completely sold on the idea the dog cannot possibly lose
"One slight problem" says teh tipster, "The animal is used to clockwise courses and this one is anti-clockwise; but I have no doubt he's fast enough to overcome that"
The punter puts all hsi money on teh dog and stands patently for te race to start.
The rece begins and, before the first bend the dog in gards in front of teh rest of the field, but, when it comes to the turn, the dog goes off to the right instead of the left
Righting itself, the dog gets back on course and quickly overtakes the rest of the field until the same happens at the second bend until the dog sorts itself out again.
This happens throughout the race until, at the finishing post, the dog crosses the finishing line a nose behind the winner
In despair, the punter throws away his ticket and heads towards the gate when he is once more accepted by the tipster who apologises profusely
"No problem" says the punter, these things happen"
You know that fault with your dog can be easily cured" he tells the tipser
"How ?" the man asks anxiously
"You just have to put a little piece of lead in its ear" he is told
"But surely it'll fall out ?"
Not if you put it in properly - try using a ***** gun"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Sep 19 - 11:11 PM

If you're looking for the Time Travelers Anonymous group, we meet last Thursday.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 04 Sep 19 - 04:20 PM

A wealthy man steps out of his front door just in time to see the painter he had hired putting the finishing touches to his classic car with weatherproof exterior paint
"I said the porch, you stupid bastard, the porch"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 04 Sep 19 - 10:06 PM

What's that pig doing in the hot, dry desert?

Bakin' [might need American accent]...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 05 Sep 19 - 03:16 AM

A young French mother was walking her young child though Paris Zoo when they stopped to watch the elephants - one male bull's enormous penis, on-heat and ready for action, was hanging down full length beneath him.
The child pointed and asked "what's that mummy"
Thoroughly embarrassed, the young woman hastily replied, "It's nothing dear".
A passing Frenchman told her, "Madam is blasé".
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 05 Sep 19 - 08:44 AM

"I offer my honour, sir knight " said the fair maiden.
"I honour your offer" said the the gallant knight.
And all night long he was ohn her and off her
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: saulgoldie
Date: 06 Sep 19 - 08:16 AM

On a tombstone:

Here lies the body of Les Moore.
No les.
No moore.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 06 Sep 19 - 10:10 AM

Paddy Murphy, the Irishman decides that before he gets too old he would like to see some of the world, so he jumps into a rowing boat and rows over to Scotland, then sets off walking through the country, down into England and then through Wales
Pretty soon news of his epic trek is reported in all the newspapers and on the local radio ND his affable, easy going nature makes him friends wherever he goes - he is constantly invited in to people's homes where he is fed and given a bed for the night
Eventually, he crosses into France, then through Germany, Switzerland, and eventually Italy, still making friends and winning hearts everywhere.
He finally decides to end his journey with a visit to the Vatican.
He is standing in St Peter's Square along with the thousands of others hoping to catch a glimpse of the Pope, when the very man he wishes to see comes out into the crowd and begins to bless them
Spotting Paddy, he comes over and says, "I've been reading of your adventures my son - I'm delighted to meet you; tell me, which part of Ireland do you come from?"
"Belfast, you Papish bastard"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Joe_F
Date: 06 Sep 19 - 06:16 PM

"Father, forgive me. I have sinned. I've become a prostitute."
"You've become *what*?"
"A prostitute, father."
"God be praised! I thought at first you said a Protestant."