BS: First Joke Thread for 2019

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Jan 19 - 07:44 PM

From that spam telephone thread:

Tommy Cooper said that he rang someone up and said "Who's speaking, please?" A voice said to him "You are." :-)

Another of his: "I went to the ticket office at the station and said, can I have a return, please? The chap said, where to? I said, Here."

Another: "I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 03 Jan 19 - 10:40 AM

A seminarian about to become a full pries is walking through the seminary grounds when he comes to a stile, slips and falls face down in the mud
He looks at he mud covered clothes and says "Oh shit"
He slaps his hands to his mouth and says, "Fuck, I said shit"
He thinks about whe he has said and says, "shit, I said fuck"
Then he turns round and walks away in disgust saying "Ah bollocks, I didn't want to be a priest anyway"
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 03 Jan 19 - 10:23 AM

Bleur yuk Jim!!!! Heh heh :)

That sounds like Kevin Bloody Wilson, the Australian comedian/singer. He sings 'Manuel the Bandito' and it's much the same story. (On Youtube)

My all-time favourite of his is 'Santa Claus you c***!!! Where's me f****** bike?' Very crude but makes me scream.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 03 Jan 19 - 10:02 AM

A Stranger sitting in a Mexican cantina overhears two farmers discussing the recent outbreak of banditry in the area at the next table.
Suddenly one of the men asks him, "Have you ever heard of Pedro the Bandit, stranger?"
"Have I heard of Pedro the bandit? he replies, last week I was riding in the mountains when suddenly a masked stranger jumps out in front of me holding two guns.
"Put up your hands", he says - he has two guns, I have none, I put up my hands
"Now, give me all your money" he says, what choice do I have, I give him all my money.
"Now drop your trousers" he says, I don't hesitate, I drop my trousers.
"Now shit" he says, he doesn't have to tell me twice, I'm halfway there already
"Now eat it" - I don;'t think twice, I eat it.
Suddenly the masked man drops his guard, so I grab his gun and point it at him
"Put up your hands", I say - what choice does he have - he puts up his hands
"Now give me all your money" - like a shot he gives me all his money
"Now drop your trousers" - he obeys instantly and drops his trousers.
"Now shit" I say, I don't have top tell him, he has already done so
"Now eat it" he eats it as if he hadn't had a square meal for a week.

Do I know Pedro the Bandit? - didn't I have lunch with him only last week
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 03 Jan 19 - 09:01 AM

Here's another rude joke from Mock The Week:

Things not heard on TV adverts:
"Tesco penis extensions. 'Cos every little helps."
and:
"Four hoof-marks and a pile of poo. It's the sign of the Black Horse..."
"Is your lovely cat annoying you by being too affectionate? Have a break, have a shit cat."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 03 Jan 19 - 08:55 AM

We are very lucky indeed Jim. Been in Norfolk for over forty years now, and I do realise it's not like other more urban areas, where racism and bigotry may be found. It's a little bubble of happiness here!
Our neighbours truly love my husband and don't patronise him. They have that dry Norfolk humour which outsiders might find a bit odd. He and they can laugh together, and he can imitate the Norfolk accent, which makes them die.
There is a very fine line between humour and nastiness, and I can see that being PC is an honest attempt to minimise the latter.
It's just that I come from a past generation when the world was a very different place!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 03 Jan 19 - 08:34 AM

A joke from wartime Liverpool
During World War two, two friends ran a chip-shop on Lime Street, which was a notorious red-light district.
Due to wartime conditions, potatoes were hard to come by and expensive and fish was virtually ungettable because of U-Boat activity in the North Sea, so trade dwindled to almost nothing
On night wile closing up one of the friends said to his mate; "I think we have to rethink how we are going about things; maybe we should close this down and open a brothel"
"Don't be daft", says his mate, "if we can't sell fish and chips, we're never going to be able to sell soup"
   
Sen;
Again, at the risk of spoiling a highly-enjoyable thread, can I say that you are among the lucky ones and I wish you every success in that.
I lived in areas where foreigners were not so lucky and where personal abuse, vandalism and even physical attacks were commonplace - I knew several friends who were victims
Personally, I would rather err on the side of PC than stay silent when racism and sexism in the form of humour raises their ugly heads   
They may appear harmless, but they tend to make acceptable abuse that can and often is both hurtful and harmful
Sorry 'bout that
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 03 Jan 19 - 03:47 AM

Hahahahaaaagh Joe F!! That could so easily apply to us! :)

These jokes are making a dull, dark January much brighter.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Joe_F
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 10:46 PM

The first black man to move into a white neighborhood was out on a Saturday morning mowing the front lawn. A neighbor happened by & asked "Hey, boy, how much do you get for mowing that lawn?" He answered, "I don't actually get paid, but the lady of the house lets me sleep with her once in a while."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 03:32 PM

Jim, I told my husband your joke about the heart transplant donor and he's still laughing!
But he also said he's very glad our village neighbours accepted him 'living next door' from the first day we arrived. He often parodies Little Britain ('only gay in the village) and has a laugh with our neighbour by saying, "I'm the only black man in the village!" with quite a credible Welsh accent.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 03:17 PM

is it possible make a dodgy pun out of cobs or barm cakes?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 01:30 PM

There's a tea caravan between Camelford and Wadebridge on the A39 called Nice Baps.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 11:18 AM

A lady elephant was making her way through the jungle when a rotten tree fell, trapping her trunk against the ground
Try as she might, she couldn't free herself and after a while she begins to worry she might starve to death
After many hours, along comes a mouse and, seeing her plight, begins to dig frantically until, late the following day, she manages to pull herself free
Beside herself with gratitude, she thanks the mouse profusely and asks him if there's any way she can repay him
He thinks hard and finally says; "Well, as ridiculous as it may sound, I've always wanted to make love to an elephant"
She immediately agrees, and the mouse begins to make passionate love to her
He almost reaches climax when a rotten branch falls from the tree they are under, giving her a sever blow on the head
She lets out a deafening roar, and the mouse asks "Sorry, am I hurting you?"
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 10:19 AM

Hahahahaaaa Jim! Love those two!

I was nicknamed 'Skinny Lizzie' at school (I was like a skeleton) after a character in Dandy comic called Tin Lizzie. Also the 'Galloping Hairpin' after the old footballer Jim Hammond. I quite liked these names.
Here's another Gary Delaney one:

"My grief counsellor died yesterday. Fortunately he was so good, I didn't give a shit."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 10:04 AM

I think there's a little difference between PC and actually giving offence - a fine line
I remember the problems over a character on Children's radio entitled 'Big Fat Rosie' where it was thought very funny when she jumped into a swimming pool and emptied it - did a lot of damage to some children with a weight problem who were awarded the name as a taunt at school
I think that in some cases "P.C." has become the refuge for bigots to strut their stuff
Sorry - didn't meant to inject an air of seriousness into this so-far pleasant thread

My favourite anti-racist joke (though it doesn't appear to be such at first):
A West Indian Londoner is told he is dying and the doctor asked him would he donate his heart to the local hospital
He agrees on the condition that he be told the name of the recipient, to which the doctor reluctantly acquiesces   
The donor knocks on the door of the recipient and is faced with a huge skinhead - swastika tattoos, pins in nose, spiky haircut - the lot.
Looking down at him, the skinhead demands, "What the **** do you want Sambo?"
Timidly, the man says, "I've been told I'm dying and you're going to get my heart"
"Thank **** for that", said the skinhead, "I thought you were coming to live next door"

And the Irish one:
A newly arrived Irish immigrant applied for a job as a builder with a high-class building firm and was offered the job on condition that he would prove his abilities by sitting a short oral test.
He was asked, "What's the difference between a joist and a girder
He answered, The First wrote Ulysses the second wrote Faust
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 09:22 AM

Humour was so much less inhibited then wasn't it? Before the PC lot got going.
I'd be very amused at being labelled 'Big Dumplings' or 'Lovely Babs'. I certainly wouldn't burst into tears or fan my face with my hand like today's snowflakes.

There's a food stall in Hellesdon, Norfolk which always gives me a smile. It's called 'Big Baps' Burger Bar'. (and the apostrophe is in the right place!) The lady behind the counter has certainly got both the credentials...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 09:12 AM

The big dumplings one reminded me of Ronnie Barker in "Porridge".

They were talking about Pan's People and he commented there was one in particular that he liked.

"Lovely Babs. Can't remember her name..."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 08:04 AM

Gary Delaney is really very funny, even if a bit crude.

"I decided to try and improve my lovemaking technique, so I got a DVD about it. Skipped the bit about foreplay though - too boring."

"Today I had beef casserole with big dumplings. I shouldn't really call her that, but she is a big girl."

"This morning I went to my Premature Ejaculation meeting. Unfortunately it's tomorrow."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 07:12 AM

A man goes to the doctor complaining of flatulence
The doctor told him that, while embarrassing, it wasn't really serious
"This is a little different" said the man, "listen"
He bent over and let of an enormous fart which, intead of the usual sound, came out as "hondah"
"Strange" says the doctor, "drop your trousers and I'll examine you" - he did
Straightening up, the doctor said, "not too serious, you have an abscess"   
"What difference does that make?"
"Well" replied the doctor, "you mus know the old saying - abscess makes the fart go "hondah"
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 07:05 AM

Not moving too far from this fundamental theme:
I discovered a new word from my local newsagent a couple of weeks ago
He is a native of Kilkee, a resort on the southern coast of this county, Clare, which was once the Summer watering-hole of the English landowners and rich farmers
Down there, they refer to tourists as 'Rookahs' - ,Rua' being a reference to 'red' (red haired') and ca, the childish word for 'shit (ca-ca)
In the big houses in Kilkee, it was the duty of the chambermaids to empty the chamber-pots over the cliffs into the sea
As only the wealthy in those days were the only ones who could afford red meat, the contents of the chamber-pots were invariably red in colour, so the tourists became known as 'rookahs' Red shits'
Bon appetít
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 06:58 AM

I went to the doctors the other day and told him I could not stop singing "The green, green grass of home"

He said I had Tom Jones syndrome.

I asked if that was rare.

He replied "It's not unusual"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jos
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 06:25 AM

They're not very good likenesses, are they?
The only one I recognised immediately was the Star Wars storm trooper (and I've never seen Star Wars; until recently I thought a light sabre was a 'light saver' - very ecological).

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 06:25 AM

Happy New Year to you too Jim!
I've been to Barcelona quite a lot (years ago) and always giggled at the caganer.
I want that Trump one!!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 06:05 AM

Hi Sen' Happy New YEAR

"the Catalan version of the Yule log is "caga Tio""
THIS ALWAY MAKES ME SMILE THIS TIME OF YEAR
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 05:22 AM

Hahahahaaaaaaaaagh!!!! These are making me die!!!!! :)

Oh please do some more you lot!!!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 04:41 AM

That's a relief - thanks

A climber in the Swiss alps is hastily making his way down the foothills before the winter sets in when he falls and breaks his ankle and is rescued by a mountain shepherd
As it's too far from civilisation to get help, the shepherd takes him home, where he and his wife and daughter dress his ankle, feed him and give him a bed or the winter
Not having a radio or TV, they sing songs, tell stories, play games and keep him entertained throughout the winter until the snows begin to melt the following spring; they make a special effort to teach him their local tradition of yodeling

Come the spring, the farmer goes out daily to see how far he can get down he mountain while the climber and the wife and daughter wait at home for the news - the ankle is all but healed by this time
One day the farmer returns to find the climber in bed with his daughter
The climber flees, pulling up his trousers and the farmer begins to chase him down the mountainside shouting: "I took you in, healed you, fed you, gave you a bed and entertained you right through the winter - I even taught you how to yodel - and how do you repay me - you seduce my young daughter".
"And your old lay-ee-dee" sang back the climber
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 04:09 AM

TROMBONES


Wha, Wha, Wha, Whaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 04:02 AM

"What is made of brass & sounds like Tom Jones?"
What.... driving me mad ?

What's brown and sounds like a bell
DUNG
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red
Date: 01 Jan 19 - 06:05 PM

the Catalan version of the Yule log is "caga Tio"
A log with a face at one end, and presents inside. Kids have to beat it with sticks while singing a special song.

Literal translation is "shit log". I had to ask when I was there - didn't I?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 01 Jan 19 - 04:38 AM

"Yes, it's a Yuletide log. I'll flush the toilet again in a minute."

Well, I've plucked the duck and covered it in grease. But now we need to leave the park."

(I get these from Mock The Week, which always has me in stitches)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 01 Jan 19 - 04:30 AM

"Look, my name is Joseph of Nazareth. You've given me a box with some straw in it. I asked to speak to the MANAGER!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red
Date: 01 Jan 19 - 03:50 AM

What is made of brass & sounds like Tom Jones?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Andrez
Date: 31 Dec 18 - 11:59 PM

One of the winners in a Cliché Competition seen in the the Daily Telegraph of London some years ago was:

"I hear what you're saying but, with all due respect, it's not exactly rocket science. Basically, at the end of the day, the fact of the matter is you have got to be able to tick all the boxes. It's not the end of the world as such but, to be perfectly honest with you, when push comes to shove, you don't want to be literally stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Going forward we all need to be on the same page and singing from the same song-sheet even if we can't see the wood from the trees. Naturally hindsight is 20/20 vision and you have to take the rough with the smooth before proceeding onwards and upwards. The bottom line is you wear your heart on your sleeve and, when all is said and done, this is all part and parcel of the ongoing bigger picture. C'est la vie (if you know what I mean)".

Sounds a bit like all the Brexit hoo haa and palaver we hear coming from Pollies in the media these days!

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 31 Dec 18 - 05:17 AM

Two miners getting on in years made a life-long habit of going for a drink together every Sunday morning.
One Sunday one knocked on his mate's door to accompany him down to the local
"Is Fred ready yet?" he asked when his mate's wife came to the door
I'm afraid I have some bad news", she replied, "He was in the garden last night pulling a head of cabbage for today's dinner when he had a heart attack and died"
"Jaysus missus Jones, that's awful, what will you do now ?"
"I'll have to open a tin of peas, I suppose"
Jim Carroll

Subject: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red
Date: 31 Dec 18 - 05:04 AM

April 1st