BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 19 Mar 20 - 01:20 PM

That's what we need in these worrying times - two fingers to our problems BDE

Just heard on the radio that they're burying the victims of the pandemic in Dublin - without coughin'

Keeping the home fires burning
A teacher announced to her Social Science class that she would be concentrating on things medical next time so they should bring in something appropriate to discuss
When the day arrived and she asked for examples a little girl handed in a packet of plasters
"Very good Mary" - and they discussed their uses
Next came another girl, who offered up a bottle of Iodine - the same again
She was about to move on when the tearaway of the class, late as usual, bust through the classroom door wheeling an Iron Lung.
Astounded, the teacher said, "That's amazing Tommy - where did you get it?"
It's my father's" came the reply
"Didn't he mind your borrowing it - what did he say when you took it ?"
"Arghhhhhhhhhh !" he said
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 18 Mar 20 - 06:06 PM

A passenger in a taxicab on the way to the airport gently tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. To the passenger's surprise, the driver let out a horrendous scream and nearly lost control of the cab, nearly striking a pedestrian and stopping just inches from a store's plate glass window.

"Oh my!" said the passenger, "I didn't mean to frighten you. I only wanted to ask a question. I'm sorry."

"No, no." replied the driver, "It was my fault. It was just a bit unexpected. This is my first day driving a taxicab. For the last twenty-five years, I've been driving a hearse."

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 18 Mar 20 - 11:10 AM

Oh dear !!
Local story told around here about the annual matchmaking festival in Lisdoonvarna
An elderly bachelor farmer farming one of the rough pieces of land on the Burren used to drive into Lisdoon on his donkey and cart whenever he ran out of provisions - he'd usually buy what he neded, load up the flatback cart and have a few pints, before driving home
One day, forgetting the Matchmaking Festival was on, he hitched up the cart and drove in, a little confused at firt at all the strangers
When he remembered, he stocked up and loaded the cart, had his usual pints and set off home
As he drove through town he saw a young woman standing at the side of the road hoping to be 'taken on, so he stopped, made a deal with her, sat her on the top of the provisions and drove out of town
A mile out of town, as he turned off the main road onto the rough 'green track' up the steep hill leading home the wind began to get up, it clouded over and it began to spatter with rain
The cart was rather heavily loaded and, what with the extra weight of the woman, the donkey began to struggle - after a few hundred yards, it stumbled
"That's one" said the farmer, and drove on
A short distance later the same thing happened and the poor animal stumbled again
"That's two" said the farmer again
Puzzled, the young woman said nothing
A mile further the donkey stumbled for the third time
The farmer reached for an ash-plant on the pleasure board beside him, got down, walked to the front and struck the beast a mighty blow between the eyes, killing it stone dead
In horror, the girl jumps down
"What did you do that for" she screams, the poor beat was overloaded and couldn't help slipping, besides, it's getting dark and bucketing with rain and we're still nowhere near any signs of life......"
"That's one" says the farmer.
(also found in the Appalachians)
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 18 Mar 20 - 09:38 AM

I sat watching a video one night when I was with my ex wife. She was baking in the kitchen. I started to shout... 'No No don't do it, it's a trap'!!!! She shouted 'What are you watching'?......... I replied 'Oh just our wedding video'

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 18 Mar 20 - 06:33 AM

A family of tortoises decided to go on a picnic
They packed their hamper and set off - it took a week to reach their chosen picnic ground
Mother tortoise started to unpack the hamper and, nearly finished, she suddenly said, "We've forgotten to pack the tin-opener"
Panic all round because most of the food was tinned
They debated the problem and argued who should go back for the tin-opener
They finally decided to toss a coin Tommy, the youngest lad (aged 40) lost
He argued at first but finally agreed to go, sayig , "Don't start without me"
They patiently waited - one week, two weeks, three weeks.... no sign of Tommy
Finally she said, "I don't know about you, I'm starving, lets have some bread and cheese
She made some sandwiches and they were just about to tuck in when Tommy popped his head up over the top of the rise and said, "I told you not to start without me - I'm not going"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 17 Mar 20 - 01:54 PM

I must have told this before but it's such a depressing day here in 'closed for business' Ireland....
A handsome young boy is the sole survivor of a shipwreck on an idyllic desert island
There is plenty of food and water to survive and the lad grown into early manhood without ever meeting a fellow human being
Desperate to fill in the empty hours, he begins to be aware of his developing manhood and decides to do tricks with it
He sits on the pebble shore and begins to fist push pebbles along with it and later, to flick them into the sea
He develops his 'trick' to throw them further and further into the sea until h manages extremely impressive distances

One day he is sitting on the beach occupying himself, as usual, when a beautiful young woman, slightly his senior, swims ashore, the survivor of another shipwreck
"What are you doing?" she asks - he explains
"I'm sure we can find something far more enjoyable to do with that" she says
She sits beside him, puts an arm around his shoulder and begins to fondle him till he becomes very aroused - a totally new experience for him
Under her instructions, they begin to make love until, at last they both lay gasping on the beach
"What do you think of that?" she asks
"It was wonderful" he replies, "but I suppose you know you've ruined my flicker?
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 16 Mar 20 - 02:40 PM

Ya goora larf - 'aven't you ?

A liverpool Catholic Schoolteacher, Peter Moloney, made his name in the sixties by listening to what his kids did, and then write them up

He describes how he was sitting outside the confessional in his church aiting to confess his sins, when he hears the priest roar out in the box: "What kind of a little girl are you?"
Came the reply: "I'm a little boy, father"

Two of his pupils were walking down the road near a local Priory when they see an elderly monk, dressed in black robes, bent double and hobbling along the road with some difficulty
One asks "Ay father, was you in the Ark"
"No of course I wasn't yo stupid boy" he snapped
"The why weren't you drowned" came the reply
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Senoufou
Date: 16 Mar 20 - 01:05 PM

Did you hear about the hyenas that ate Oxo cubes?
They were the laughing stock of Africa.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 16 Mar 20 - 11:36 AM

A teacher farts in front of the class, reddens deeply and sais to the scruff sitting in the front desk, "Tommy - stop that"
"Certainly Miss, which way did it go?"
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 16 Mar 20 - 10:51 AM

It's the way I smell 'em
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 16 Mar 20 - 10:50 AM

Which reminds me
At a royal banquet HM let off a loud skirtlifter - oune of the great ad good sitting lose leapt to he feet, apoligised profusely and hurried from the room
An American ambassador sitting along the table, turns to his neigbour and askes - "What's with him - she did it"
He is told, "In Enland a gentleman always takes the blame for that sort of thing"
Shortly afterwards Madge lets another one go
The Yank leaps up and shouts up the table, "Relax ma-am, this one's on me"

In the same vein
A pupil in calls puts his hand up and asks, "Sir, does wind come in lumps"
"No, of course not" he is sternly told.
"Then I've shit myself"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 16 Mar 20 - 10:40 AM

the addendump to never trust a fart is:

"Don't sit on a loose stool"

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 14 Mar 20 - 12:59 PM

Cheering me up no end
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 14 Mar 20 - 12:53 PM

For the songs-food thing, remember poor Miss Bayleaf (unfortunate miss Bayleaf)!

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 14 Mar 20 - 12:27 PM

For those who remember the advertising slogan for 'Philosan Health Tonic' - popular when I didn't need it

A man is admitted into hospital for the very first time - the first night he is so nervous he is unable to sleep
In the early hours, he spots a young nurse who silently slips into the ward and climbs into bed with an elderly man
a few minutes later, she clims out, and tiptoes down to another bed... and slowly makes her way completely around the room, then quietly slips out again
Next morning, the new man explains what he witnessed to one of the nurses
"Take no notice" she tells him, "That's Phyllis Anne - he fortifies the over forties"
JIm Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 14 Mar 20 - 11:49 AM

Where have you been all my life GS ???
Two more gems for the book

Pat't just come home from the Supermarket giggling
One of the new notices by the unwrapped food counter, regarding the health scare reads "customers must use thongs"
It's going to take me all afternoon to calm her down
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 13 Mar 20 - 08:03 PM

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus is watching you.’ He nearly jumped out of his skin, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard a voice say, ‘Jesus is watching you.’ Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. ‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot. ‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’ The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’?‘I'm Moses.’ replied the bird. ‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of stupid person would name a bird Moses?’?The parrot replied………
’The same kind of person that would name his Rottweiler Jesus.’

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Senoufou
Date: 13 Mar 20 - 10:32 AM

In the paper yesterday, a fond grandparent told of his 4yr old grandson, whose parents always said, "Bon appétit" in restaurants etc.
The child has taken this in and now says, "Born up a tree!" before they eat. Not a joke but a true story, and it did make me laugh.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 13 Mar 20 - 09:47 AM

This morning I saw an ambulance with "Patient transport services" on the side. Behind it was another sounding its horn and trying to overtake. I guess it was IMpatient transport services

I'll get me straitjacket.

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 13 Mar 20 - 09:34 AM

Local West Clare Farmer J.C. Walsh's last words
"When I die, put me in my coffin face down so they can all kiss my arse
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 13 Mar 20 - 06:00 AM

Erwin Shrödinger's last words
before you lower me into the ground, lift the lid & check

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 13 Mar 20 - 04:08 AM

Wooonderful BDE

A man serving a long sentence fills his time watching and feeding a mouse that has nested in his cell - he becomes intrigued with its behavior so he sets about training it to do tricks
He teaches it to walk on its hind legs, to somersault and eventually, to dance to tunes he whistles
When he is finally released, he manages to slip it into his pocket, intending to make his fortune from it
He heads for the nearest bar hoping to earn a free pint with it - he calls the barman over, places it on the counter and sets it off dancing
The barman stares at it for a minute, reaches for a tray and squashes it flat saying, "this place is crawling with the dirty little fuckers"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 12 Mar 20 - 07:51 PM

A man walks into a bar. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a little man, maybe a foot tall and a little piano. He puts them both on the bar, and the little guy starts playing Mozart as the man orders his drink.

The bartender says "I'm sure it's none of my business, but where did you find a little man who plays piano like that?"

The guy says "There's a genie standing right outside your door and he's granting wishes. I bet he's still there if you hurry."

The bartender runs outside, and moments later a bunch of ducks come in through the front door and start causing a big ruckus. The bartender says "You didn't tell me the genie was hard of hearing. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

The guy says,"Do you really think I asked for an eleven inch pianist?"

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 11 Mar 20 - 04:45 AM

When I moved to London I was befriended by two singers who used to take me on bookings with them
On long car journeys we invented a game, reinventing names of songs and ballads - I've always wanted to add to it

I can remember:
The Unquiet Gravy'
The Dowie Dens of Marrow'
The Grey Coc-au-Van'
'Hang Down Your Head Tandoorie'
Terrapin Hero
The False Kite on the Toad
Allan Tyne of Marrow
The Bonnie Scouse of Airly

Peggy Seeger never found that we'd re-named her beautiful, Hello Friend, I see you're a stranger' "Hello Fiend, I see you're a strangler"

I'll try and remember more later, but I'd be grateful for additions
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 10 Mar 20 - 08:14 AM

" floats in the Tasman Sea?"
Must have been trying to escape from Australia
Having said that, I have the greatest respect for Australia - I have an Irish cousin who settle and raised her family there - and loves it
I fell madly in love with the Australian girls who took 'The Great Trek' to London in their camper vans and took over some of my favourite pubs for a time
We took my late mate, Tommy Munnelly to the wonderful Elizabethan pup, 'The George' in Southwark when we visited us in London
When Tommy asked for 'two glasses of bitter' - the very attractive Australian woman behind the bar replied, "We don't serve it in buckets luv'
Later I went to buy my round and commented on what a beautiful pub The George was I was told, "It's like working in a ****** museum mate"
How could you possible dislike people like that !!!
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 10 Mar 20 - 07:59 AM

Whats black & blue and floats in the Tasman Sea?
A Kiwi that tells Ozzie jokes..........

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 10 Mar 20 - 07:03 AM

Send him this
Q - What do you call a cultured Australian -
A - A New Zealander
Must stop this
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Mar 20 - 06:49 AM

Ha, just sent that one to me brother in New Zealand. I like it!

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 10 Mar 20 - 06:30 AM

published in New Zealand

I heard a few Ozzie jokes in NZ, usual fair - nearest neighbour, one county short of a country. But I heard one that I reminded me of a Polish joke about Russians.

Why does a **neigbour's** haircut cost $4? - Well it's a dollar per corner, innit mate?

** other ccountries & currencies are available.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Mar 20 - 06:21 AM

John Cleese has said that people keep asking him if he plays golf. He said "The answer is 'No.' I'm a democrat."

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Mar 20 - 06:14 AM

Reminds me of Mr Johnson (the Medallion Man) in Fawlty Towers, who called a pamphlet on the notable sights in Torquay "one of the world's shortest books, like 'The Wit of Margaret Thatcher,'" to Basil's chagrin.

It's a bit poignant that the fellow who played Mr Johnson, Nicky Henson (uncle of Adam Henson of Countryfile as it happens), died just before Christmas after a 20-year battle with cancer. He and John Cleese were good mates in real life.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 10 Mar 20 - 04:30 AM

"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?"
Years ago a remainder bookshop in Dublin had a sizeble paperback on its shelves entitled 'The Mammoth Book of Australian Culture'
On opening it you found all the pages were blank - it was an exercise book, published in New Zealand
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 09 Mar 20 - 04:15 PM

True story. I was told of an overheard remark. Two women discussing what they read in the Daily Mail. A run (sic) on toilet rolls, and wmpty shelves. At which a man piped up and suggested using the Daily Mail.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Senoufou
Date: 09 Mar 20 - 03:46 PM

This made me laugh for some reason (Daily Mail - yes I know...)

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 09 Mar 20 - 03:39 PM

Now look what we've done Steve - two birds with one stone (chat)
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor
Date: 09 Mar 20 - 01:11 PM

The Moorhen I'm Heron these bird puns the less I Cara Cara for them.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Senoufou
Date: 09 Mar 20 - 12:54 PM

Have you lot nothing better to do than to swan around on here making perfect tits of yourselves?

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 09 Mar 20 - 12:45 PM

"No, but I got an unexpected goose..."
So you came home feeling cocky and had to pullet
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Mar 20 - 12:19 PM

No, but I got an unexpected goose...

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Michael
Date: 09 Mar 20 - 11:46 AM

But not thrush I hope Steve

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Mar 20 - 10:38 AM

Went birdwatching this morning on the nature reserve. Didn't see much because of the rain but I did get a shag in the reeds...

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 09 Mar 20 - 08:01 AM

I meant "the nest have a go" - didn't smink of it in time
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 09 Mar 20 - 07:58 AM

Steve
Before we take plover this thread, perhaps we should let plovers have a go
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 09 Mar 20 - 07:54 AM

Only a mew
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Mar 20 - 07:48 AM

No egrets, then, Jim?

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 09 Mar 20 - 07:24 AM

"Sorry, couldn't resist"
Don't chicken out Steve - that was worth a heron
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Mar 20 - 06:45 AM

From Mr Red yesterday:

"You think you are funny, the mistake is one of assumption."

Is this a Red grouse?

Sorry, couldn't resist...Cheers for bringing birds into it, Jim. I hope no-one thinks this is a cheep jibe...

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 08 Mar 20 - 04:08 PM

A Sussex couple walking along the coast came across the remains of a bird’s nest the seagulls had obviously got at – on closer examination they found rather a strange looking egg which they wiped down and gently carried back to the car
When the got home they noticed it was still warm and appeared to contain a developing chick, so they made a makeshift nest on the kitchen worktop and left it there to see what happened
Over the next few days it showed signs of hatching and, when I finally did, the strangest, ugliest-looking chick broke out
They left it in the nest, took a photograph and sent it off to the Natural History Museum in London – after a short while they got an excited reply saying they had never seen such a bird and would be in touch – they also said that it was so unusual that the staff had named it ‘The Rary Bird’
The bird continued to grow at an alarming rate, so much in fact that they were forced to take it from the worktop, drag out an old dog-basket and rehouse it there
With a week it had outgrown the dog basket so they were forced to put it in the garden shed on a large bundle of old blankets – it was costing a small fortune to keep it in food
Still not hearing from the Natural History Museum the couple decided that, as it was one of a kind, the Museum would probably experiment on it and eventually stuff it – so they decided to drive down to the coast where they found it and try to get it to fly away
They did this, gingerly lifted it off the borrowed trailer truck and placed it at the edge of the cliff…. and waited, and waited, and waited – nothing happened
Finally the man said to his wife, “We’re going to have to give it a push over the cliff”.
Reluctantly she agreed, they placed it on the edge and made ready – the bird stared at them silently with it’s huge liquid eyes and finally said – “That’s a long way to tip a Rary”
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 08 Mar 20 - 02:46 PM

Hen I get time, that is !!
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 08 Mar 20 - 02:46 PM

"Careful, Jim - we don't want to do anything that woodcock up this thread..."
I'll finch about it
Jim