BS: Joke Thread for 2022

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 15 Feb 22 - 10:57 AM

A man sits, at a few minutes past midnight, weeping quietly in his kitchen. His wife comes doown and asks, what is up? He answers, it's our 20th anniversary... She starts to tear up. He says, remember how we met? You were 15, I was 18, at that dance? Her tears spill, but she's smiling. Remember how later, your dad caught us in the back of my car? And threatened me with a 20-year sentence for statutory rape?

I'd have gotten out today...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Feb 22 - 09:55 AM

Tell him it's a joke thread, Mrrzy. Consistency is everything...

A bloke in the pub was bragging about his successful marriage. His mate asked him what his secret was.

He said, "Well, for our 25th anniversary I took her on a surprise luxury trip to the South Sea islands..."

"Wow, that's great! So what will you be doing for your 50th?"

"Well, I'm going back there to pick her up..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Feb 22 - 06:44 AM

The White Nationalist 'Mein Koch' Cookbook has added new recipes to their white bread and mayonaise classic; KKKabbage slaw, Gazpacho Police Soup, Schindler's Bisque, Marjorie Greene's tossed salad,
Lynched Chicken Filet, Broth Keepers Chili and Proud Big Boy's Burger.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 15 Feb 22 - 06:27 AM

An Asylum seeker arrived at Dover to be met by a Government fairy who offered him three wishes. The asylum seekers first wish is for food and a good meal appears before him. His second wish was for good and large accommodation and a lovely large four bedroomed house with a swimming pool was readily available. For his third wish he asks to be a British citizen and everything vanishes…… ‘’Where has it all gone’’?, he asks the fairy. She replied ‘’You are a British citizen now so you’re entitled to nothing’’!!!!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Feb 22 - 05:59 AM

Too parochial? Then go political instead! Manchester Citeh? Chelski?


I haven't worked one out for Paris St Germain as yet...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Feb 22 - 04:14 AM

Or, as Billy Connolly said about his boyhood local club, he always thought its name was "Partick Nil."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 15 Feb 22 - 03:45 AM

Manchester United, they don't beat anybody. aka Manchester Untidy

A bit like Aston Vanilla - easily licked. (by Birmingham Titty &/or West Bromwich Ambulances)

I could have added Preston Both Ends, Rent A Sunderland & Acrid Tone Stanley, with apologies to US readers for being too parochial

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Feb 22 - 07:56 PM

That's a good 'un! Reminds me of the Billy Connolly one about the bloke who buried his wife in the front garden, leaving her bum sticking out. His mate asked him why he'd buried her with her bum sticking out. "Well I've got to have somewhere to park my bike!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 14 Feb 22 - 07:41 PM

Joke thread, Steve.

At the Super Bowl a man notices an empty seat. Thinking this to be strange, the man asks the person sitting next to the empty seat if he knows who sits there. The guy replies: Well, I bought two tickets for my wife and I a long time ago, but she passed away. So the man asks: Couldn't you have brought someone else?

"They're all at the funeral."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Feb 22 - 07:32 PM

So as protect you from Raggytash, I should inform you that Manchester United are currently fifth in the English Premier League, arguably the top domestic league in the world. They topped their group in the group stage of this year's Champions League, arguably the greatest club competition in the word, and are playing in the last 16 this week. Do keep up.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Feb 22 - 07:20 PM

Right Honourable Lord Justice Shawp listened intently to a 10 year old who claimed his mother beat him, his father beat him and even his only other relative great aunt Liz beat him. Against protocol the judge asked the young man who he preferred to be his Guardian.
He said Manchester United, they don't beat anybody.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 07 Feb 22 - 06:50 AM

Edge and Bono walked into a bar. The bartender looked up and said, “Not U2 again!”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 28 Jan 22 - 10:44 AM

Farmer Jack once lived on a quiet rural highway but as time went by,
the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast
that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three
to six a week.
So Farmer Jack called the local police station to complain, "You've
got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing
all my chickens," he said to the local police officer.
"What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign that said:
SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer Jack called the policeman and said, "You've
still got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing'
sign seems to make them go even faster!"
So again, they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY .
That really sped them up. So Farmer Jack called and said, "Your signs
are no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
In order to get Farmer Jack off his back said "Sure. Put up your own sign.
The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the
better of the Officer, so he called Farmer John, “How’s the problem
with the speeding drivers. did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed.
The policeman was really curious and thought he'd better go out and
take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign might be something
the Police could use elsewhere, to slow drivers down..
So he drove out to Farmer Jack's house.   His jaw dropped the moment
he saw the sign.
'NUDIST COLONY'
'Slow down and watch for chicks!'

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 28 Jan 22 - 10:43 AM

A weasel walked into a bar. 'What are you drinking;;? asked the barman. 'Pop' goes the weasel.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 28 Jan 22 - 09:54 AM

A man walks into a bra (he was dyslexic) - excuses, excuses. Wouldn't wash today!

If I said I was discalculic - would that count?

But I can count up to 2...............
I'll get my coat.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: G-Force
Date: 28 Jan 22 - 09:47 AM

A man walks into a bra (he was dyslexic).

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Jan 22 - 09:37 AM

I swear he's dense , look at the way the light bends around him!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Jan 22 - 06:02 AM

Why did the turkey cross the road? The chicken tested positive.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Jan 22 - 09:19 PM

A horse went into a bar during happy hour and ordered a pint. The horse paid the really cheap happy hour price and started to drink his pint.

Eventually the barman said to the horse, "Hey, mate, you've just enjoyed a nice cheap pint in my nice warm pub, so why the long face?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Jan 22 - 08:18 PM

A crab walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a pint please, but if I’m not satisfied with it, I’d like to be compensated with 10 bottles of champagne.”


The bartender says, “Why the big clause?”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Jan 22 - 01:15 PM

You wouldn't get Barry Cryer telling that one. :-(

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Jan 22 - 12:55 PM

Big Muddy.

Anyway, why don't grasshoppers watch football?

They prefer cricket.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 27 Jan 22 - 08:32 AM

I guess "Don't waste time in the back, Mali, The big ref said to play on!" is a pun but I can't figure it out yet!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Jan 22 - 06:25 AM

One of Barry Cryer's favourite jokes, in honour of that great funnyman:

"A man drives down a country lane and runs over a cockerel. He knocks at a nearby farmhouse door and a woman answers.

"'I appear to have killed your cockerel,' he says. 'I'd like to replace it.' The woman replies: 'Please yourself - the hens are round the back.'"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 27 Jan 22 - 04:15 AM

Oh!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Jan 22 - 10:31 PM

Mine *was* a joke.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Jan 22 - 07:08 PM

Your loss, pal, and that's no joke!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 26 Jan 22 - 06:21 PM

... you must be a Man U fan.

Not any sort of fan. I don't even know which end the wickets go.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Jan 22 - 06:09 PM

Well I've posted so many quality jokes in this thread, Doug (count 'em!), that I feel I might be permitted a slight, benign diversion in order to address Mrrzy's excellent though off-topic point about football. I can only conclude from your curmudgeonly intervention that you must be a Man U fan. Very sad.

And that last joke of yours is so old that I'm guessing that it was first told to Methuselah by Noah...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 26 Jan 22 - 05:57 PM

Have I missed something or were the two posts above (at 4:23pm and 5:07pm) focussed purely on (yawn!) football?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw - PM
Date: 14 Jan 22 - 08:03 PM

This a joke thread. Just a reminder.

Still, followimng the principle of "At least add a joke to your postings about how people aren't posting jokes!"

It was the birds versus insects football match. Within 5 minutes the birds scored their first goal. Another quarter of an hour saw two more goals and by half time, the insects were down 5 - nil. The second half saw the birds add yet another two goals. With 15 minutes to go, the insects made a substitution. A beetle came off and the centipede came on. Within a minute he had scored. Then another and another. Like a tornado, he moved across the pitch scoring goal after goal. By the final whistle, the insects had won 10 - 7.

After the match, the two coaches were talking. The birds coach said what fantastic player the centipede was and asked his opposite number why he hadn't been brought on earlier.

"Oh, he's a fantastic player, alright," said the insect coach, "but it takes him that long to get his boots on".

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Jan 22 - 05:08 PM

WOULD be bereft!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Jan 22 - 05:07 PM

Liverpool have three of their star players (Mo Salah Egypt, Naby Keïta Guinea, Sadio Mané Senegal) in that competition. We are literally pooping our pantalons in case they come back injured. At the same time, it's a wonderful competition. I can only take in so much football and at the moment the season is so thrilling that I'm watching three or four domestic or European games per week. If I watched the African competition as well, Mudcat be bereft of my contributions. And that would be no joke... ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Jan 22 - 04:23 PM

Speaking of football, I have been watching the African Cup of Nations (sorry, Côte d!Ivoire!) and in this game with Mali there are 2 refs, one much taller. Equatorial Guniea was, unsuccessfully, calling for a foul, and the guilty-looking opponent was fiddling around behind the line...

Don't waste time in the back, Mali,
The big ref said to play on!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Jan 22 - 12:06 PM

Bob and Mick had both been keen footballers. But, sadly, Bob was on his deathbed.

"Sez Mick, "Promise me that when you get to heaven you'll send me down a message to tell me whether they play football in heaven," to which Bob agreed.

So Bob died and went to heaven. A few days later, a ghostly voice appeared to Mick in his dreams. It was Bob...

"Mick, great news! They DO play football in heaven!"

"...But the bad news is, you're in goal on Friday..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Jan 22 - 11:57 AM

A bloke rang his mate to tell him that he had two bits of bad news.

"Don't mess about," said his mate, "Just blurt them both out at once!"

"OK, I'll tell you then...Your wife is cheating on both of us..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 25 Jan 22 - 03:40 PM

One egg is un œuf surely?

A good egg's ample?


I heard a true pun tonight on R4 (or 4extra)- Sally Philips' friend is a Yarn Bomber and goes by the pseudonym of.............

Deadly Knit Shade

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 25 Jan 22 - 02:08 PM

An elephant and a snake met in the jungle. They struck up a conversation about being bored with little to do but look for food. The elephant suggested they play a game of snooker but awarding points for tricks they could perform, to which snake agreed. Elephant immediately stood up high on his hind legs and snake awarded him a red and blue (total six points). The snake then stood on his tail end and was awarded a red and brown (total five points) as it was not so difficult. The game progressed until the elephant was seven points in front. The snake said that it had been a great game but he had to go and could he have one last chance of winning by sliding up elephants trunk and out of his rear end for a red and black (eight points). A twinkle came into elephants eye as he agreed to the challenge. Snake slid quickly up elephants trunk. Elephant reached round with his trunk and inserted it into his rear end, then triumphantly shouted 'Shnookerred you shnake.!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 24 Jan 22 - 02:19 PM

I told the doctor I couldn't get the song "Green green grass of home" out of my head

He said I had Tom Jones syndrome and when I asked if that was common he said "It's not unusual"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 24 Jan 22 - 02:10 PM

I was in a bar yesterday and saw three rather obese ladies talking. I heard an accent and thought they must be Scottish, so I said ‘’ Are you three lassies from Scotland?. They chorused back rather nastily, ‘’WALES’’. I said ‘’ OK, are you three Whales from Scotland’’? That was the last thing I remembered until I woke up in hospital!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Jan 22 - 11:59 AM

Oh I am reminded of this old chestnut:

Remember Divine Brown, with whom Hugh Grant was caught canoodling? Apparently back when that story broke, Bill Gates was smitten with her, and got Hugh to set them up for an evening.

Afterwards, Bill says dreamily, I can see where you got the name Divine.

And I, said Divine, see where *you* got the name...

...Microsoft.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Senoufou
Date: 24 Jan 22 - 11:50 AM

My mate Joe went on the Dolly Parton diet. It certainly made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean Joe lean...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Jan 22 - 10:18 AM

Excuse me, this is a joke thread, not a yolk thread. :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 24 Jan 22 - 07:38 AM

Humpty Dumpty and Chicken Licken have just made love and are lying back, enjoying a post-coital cigarette. Humpty says:

"At least we know the answer to the question."


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Jan 22 - 07:25 AM

He was a good egg until he cracked.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 24 Jan 22 - 06:39 AM

One egg is un œuf surely?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 24 Jan 22 - 05:45 AM

L-n-t-c ??       the "L Word" ???

Give me a clue, please!




What do you call a Frenchmen wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope.


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Jan 22 - 04:24 AM

Your jokes are in Seine, Mrzzy.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: BobL
Date: 24 Jan 22 - 03:06 AM

There was once a mother cat with four kittens who, for reasons which need not concern us, were named Un, Deux, Trois and Quatre. Their story ends tragically.
One cold winter's day their local pond froze over, and they went out to play on the ice. However the ice was too thin, and it broke, and Un, Deux, Trois, Quatre - cinq!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 Jan 22 - 11:40 PM

Why do the French have a single egg at a time?

Because one egg is an œuf.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 23 Jan 22 - 10:19 PM

Would it still be permissible to repeat the old one about the L-n-t-c who drowned himself while in Paris? Punchline, "he was in Seine"/"insane". Scared to write the "L Word" in full, or tell this weak pun in public, lest someone seize the opportunity to take offence at the essential word.

Much prefer the one about the Frenchman seeing the tide rising and saying, "Merci", though the play on sounds might only be instantly understood in Scotland.