BS: Joke Thread for 2022

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Apr 22 - 08:37 PM

Lol? Really??

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 20 Apr 22 - 08:32 PM

I got it, Mrzzy. Lol and eeyuhh.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Raggytash
Date: 20 Apr 22 - 07:48 PM

Sorry Mzzry you'll have too explain that one to me to.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Apr 22 - 06:20 PM

?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Apr 22 - 05:56 PM

Told to me by the magician from the atheist conference:

A magician goes for a blow job. When he's done, his partner says wait, are you really done, there was no ejaculate. Says the magician...

...Check your ear!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Apr 22 - 05:27 PM

On mudcat
an American said I have the freedom to go to the White House and yell Down with Biden. So what, the Russain said. I can go to the Kremlin and yell that too.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Apr 22 - 04:09 PM

That is in bad taste in what is supposed to be a joke thread. What is the matter with you?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Apr 22 - 10:17 AM

Putin, during a during a JD Power award ceremony for the troops said: “I am prepared to give my blood for the cause of my Russia, drop by drop.”


A note is passed up to the podium: “Dear Comrade Putin, why drag things out? Give it all now.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Apr 22 - 10:09 AM

What’s the definition of a Russian string quartet? A Soviet symphony orchestra back from a US tour.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Apr 22 - 12:51 PM

The former Mayor aka The faster master of hereafter disasters was responsible for African style shake down roadblocks called the burley gates by the locals.
Peter Smalls says it was refreshing to see corruption in the light of day and become so transparant.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Apr 22 - 12:46 PM

Well let's just ignore you two silly buggers and consider instead two classic Billy Connolly funnies (read them in his accent for best effect):

Honestly, some folk will take offence at anything - I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was 'How are you getting on?'"

Bonnie Prince Charlie: the only man ever to be named after three sheepdogs...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 18 Apr 22 - 12:29 PM

Whoa, "non-judgemental".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Apr 22 - 12:14 PM

The Mayor prefers to say the election was overturned. The matter will be ultimately settled in the fullness of time, when the moment is right, upon the recounting of the recounted recounts.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 18 Apr 22 - 11:52 AM

I agree donuel, the self-appointed mayor of joketown needs to be impeached. Let's keep it light and non-judmental.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Apr 22 - 11:45 AM

Yes Mayor. Humphrey will get on that with all deliberate speed.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Apr 22 - 11:10 AM

Wouldn't it be great if, for a welcome change, you contributed something to this thread that was actually funny?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Apr 22 - 08:10 AM

Wouldn't it be great if we could do really useful things such as saving the joke thread for having light-hearted laughs and not having an inane editorial preface by the mayor of joketown.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 17 Apr 22 - 10:09 AM

My ex-wife and I were driving through North Wales when we went through Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
We were not so much arguing as having a heated discussion on the pronunciation of the place name, when we saw a ‘Burger King’. We decided to stop and eat and at the same time ask a local how to pronounce the name. Whilst my ex was ordering the food, I asked a blonde member of the staff if she could help by pronouncing the name of the place we were in but syllable by syllable and slowly. She said ‘’Certainly Sir’’ The name of the place we are in is………………………
BBuuuuuurrrrrggggggeeeeerrrrrrr KKKKiiinnnnnggg.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Apr 22 - 08:17 PM

Hershey chocolate is absolutely no joke, I can assure you. Unfortunately, it's available here.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 16 Apr 22 - 01:00 AM

What are a chocolate bar’s pronouns? Her/she.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Feb 22 - 09:43 AM

A banjo player and a piano accordion player are playing a New Year's Eve gig at a local club. When the gig's over, the club owner comes up to them and says, "You guys sound great! I'd love to book you for next New Year's Eve. Are you available?" The two musicians look at each other, then the club owner, and the banjo player says "Sure, we'd love to. Is it okay if we leave our stuff here?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Feb 22 - 06:37 AM

Sadly, Radio 3 has just been playing some of that shite jazz (which is most of it in my intolerant and prejudiced opinion), and it reminded me of this old chestnut:

Q. What's the difference between rock music and jazz?

A. Rock music has three chords and an audience of thousands, whereas jazz has thousands of chords and an audience of three.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Feb 22 - 05:57 AM

I'm no Bible scholar but I believe the weeping referred to (in the shortest verse of the Gospels, apparently) was on a different occasion. I haven't got a Bible to hand so I can't nail that right now... (see what I did there?)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 27 Feb 22 - 02:50 AM

Jesus wept.

so would you with nails in your hands

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 11:44 AM

Wouldn't it be great if we could do really useful things such as saving the joke thread for having light-hearted laughs and the Ukraine thread for talking about our concerns and fears regarding the terrible situation there instead of making up silly names for a brutal dictator?

Anyway, here's a joke:

I tried to phone up the spiritual leader of Tibet, but the next day I received a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I'd phoned Dial-a-Llama.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 10:31 AM

Judge Judy: There is a reason God gave you one mouth and two ears, now shut up.
Defendant: Your honor, some people talk out of their ass.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 10:09 AM

What do Newquay plastics and Cornish pasties have in common?
They're both made in Cornwall.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 10:00 AM

If it wasn't for scatological, religion and alcoholic jokes, Seve' would have no holy shit drunk jokes at all and would only make fun of gender and race.

Prince Andrew was a mite in shining armour.
Now e's just a dick.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 08:53 AM

How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?

Dunno. It's never been tried...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 08:51 AM

And another Doddy one:

"We went to see a topless lady ventriloquist last night. Nobody saw her lips move..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 08:46 AM

How many people from Cornwall does it take to change a lightbulb?
They don't care, as long as they do it better than people from Devon.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 08:45 AM

That was one from the great Ken Dodd. Here's another:

"The man who invented cats' eyes got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights. If the cat had been going the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 08:41 AM

I used to think I was really good in bed, then I discovered that all my girlfriends had asthma.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 08:27 AM

Mods please change the title of this thread to The Critic Corner :^~

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 07:39 AM

Jesus wept.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Feb 22 - 07:29 AM

A Desperate Ukrainian posted 'Mercedes for Sale @ $10'
No one responded, until an old man needed anything to evacate.
A Lady sold him a Maybach Mercedes with 12,000 Kms, for $10.
She handed him the papers and the car keys.
As the old man was leaving, he said, tell me why was this car so cheap?"
The Lady replied, "I am just fulfilling the will of my deceased Russain husband, it's written that the money from the sale of his Mercedes would go to Russain veterans.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Feb 22 - 09:05 PM

Your first one is a cracker, your second one is in serious need of a rethink.

Picasso was burgled, and he did a drawing of the robbers. The police arrested a horse and two sardines.   (Kudos, Barry Cryer!)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Feb 22 - 07:29 PM

I had a friend, his girlfriend was a midget.

He was nuts over her.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 22 Feb 22 - 02:12 PM

Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 22 Feb 22 - 02:57 AM

Overheard in a bar in Rome circa AD 45

Galdiator 1  A Martinus, bar tender.
Bar Tender  Did you mean Martini ?
Galdiator 1  If I'd wanted a double I would have asked for one


Gladiator 2  calls for 5 beers and holds up two fingers separated

OK, № 2 is a visual joke, two fingers one hand. From Victoria Coren-Mitchel

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Feb 22 - 06:44 PM

That grandad one has had me quietly belly-laughing all day!

Here's another Barry joke:

An 82-year-old man goes to his doctor. “I want a complete physical examination. I’m about to get married,” says the old man.

“How old are you?” the doctor asks.

“I’m 82 and she’s 24. I want a complete examination to make sure everything’s working properly,” says the old man.

The doctor says, “24! Well, I’ll do the examination. But it might be better if you also got a young lodger. You know, company for your wife.”

“Yes, yes, what a good idea,” says the old man.

The doctor meets him again a few months later. “Did you get married?” asks the doctor. “How’s your young bride?”

“She’s pregnant,” says the old man proudly.

“And, erm, how’s the lodger?” says the doctor nervously.

“She’s pregnant too,” says the old man...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 19 Feb 22 - 02:12 PM

I told Bill Withers that ‘’Aint no Sunshine’’ was not good grammar…… He replied ‘’I know, ,I know, I know, I know, I know.’’

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: the lemonade lady
Date: 19 Feb 22 - 04:46 AM

Knock knock
Who's there?
Grand Dad
.
.
.
.
STOP THE FUNERAL!!!!



Barry Cryer

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 17 Feb 22 - 03:24 PM

A group of 40 yr old men met and were discussing where they should have lunch. They agreed to meet at The Black Horse because the barmaids had big breasts and wore mini skirts. They met again aged 50 and decided on the Black horse again as the waitresses were attractive , the food was good and they had great beer. Aged 60 they met again and decided on the Black Horse again because it had good parking, the music was not too loud and it was good value for money. Aged 70 they met again and decided on the Black Horse because there was good wheelchair access and they had a toilet for the disabled. Aged 80, they met again and decided on the Black Horse for lunch as they had never tried there before.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 17 Feb 22 - 06:34 AM

The Affair

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 16 Feb 22 - 03:04 AM

Tell him it's a joke thread, Mrrzy. Consistency is everything...

From a man who know everything!

(Hint) funny relates to your "sphere of exposure" (aka knowledge). Following the minutia of US politics would explain, but it might shock. Truly shock. You wouldn't believe!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 15 Feb 22 - 01:36 PM

Joke thread?

Why don't helicopters fly in the mornings?

Twirly.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Feb 22 - 01:24 PM

I think the NFL is judged/refereed more subjectivly than figure skating. It aint Baseball.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Feb 22 - 01:00 PM

All I want is see beautiful, flowing football played by two skilled teams, men or women. The only way I can think of putting a joke into this post is by inserting the two words "American football..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Feb 22 - 12:49 PM

Steve hopes Manchester City beats Rottingham Hoturds this Saturday.