BS: Joke Thread for 2022

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 Jan 22 - 09:31 PM

Snicker at you two!

Apparently Paris rarely floods.

That's because the water is normally l'eau.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Jan 22 - 07:53 PM

Old McDonald was dyslexic
OIOIE

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Jan 22 - 03:44 PM

I agree with you, Doug. Me too.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 23 Jan 22 - 02:35 PM

Sorry Mrrzy. I've just seen the Steve/Frank connection. I am a bit slow on the uptake sometimes.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 23 Jan 22 - 02:32 PM

At least add a joke to your postings about how people aren't posting jokes!

I agree.

Mrrzy, what was the joke that you added? I seem to have missed it.



I think I have a split personality .....

That makes four of us.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Jan 22 - 12:57 PM

Oi, mate, just count the number of real jokes that I've posted in this thread!! Let's all stick to jokes from now on, shall we? Tell your pal!

Chap goes to the doctor who tells him he has good news and bad news.

"Which would you like to hear first?"

"The good news, Doc!"

"Well, this is the last annual prostate examination you'll be needing..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 Jan 22 - 12:31 PM

You, apparently.

At least add a joke to your postings about how people aren't posting jokes!

I think I have a split personality, said Steve, being frank.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Jan 22 - 12:03 PM

And the punch line is what?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Jan 22 - 11:31 AM

I'm singin' in Ukrain, just singin' in Ukraine
What a glorious feeling It's Crimea again.
I'm laughing at smoke, so dark afar
The sun's in my heart and I'm ready for war

Let the deadly smoke chase, everyone from the place
Come on with the tanks, I've got troops on my flanks.
I'll walk down the trench with a gun in my clench
And clingin' just clingin' to Ukraine

Why am I smilin' and why do I cling?
Why does February seem sunny as Spring?
Why do I get up each morning to start shooting
And get up with mud in my gun?
Why is each new attack, so fun to do?
cause I am living a life of Russain troops

I'm clingin' to Ukraine, just clingin' to Ukraine
What a glorious feeling we're Russain again.
I'm laughing at smoke so dark above
The sun's in the sky and I'm ready to die.

Let the deadly smoke chase, everyone from the place.
Come on with the ice, I've a smile on my face
I'll walk down the lane with a happy refrain
And clingin' just clingin' to Ukraine

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Justa Picker
Date: 22 Jan 22 - 05:49 PM

Two dim wits are sitting in lawn chairs in one of their back yards, knocking back beer after beer on a warm summer night ... just staring at the stars in the sky.

After a while, one turns to the other and says wistfully:

"So what do yah figure is farther ... Florida, or the Moon?"

The other one laughs & says to his friend:

"You know ... you're a f--king idiot. Can you SEE Florida?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 Jan 22 - 07:46 AM

Bloke starts a new job looking after a chipping machine in a potato processing plant. The gaffer tells him that it often jams but he must never put his arm in to free it.

Of course on the first day it jams and he sticks his arm in to free it with subsequent loss of limb. His co-workers pack the arm in a plastic bag and rush him to the hospital. Next day, arm stitched back on, he is in work bright and early. The manager reminds him that he must never put his arm in so when it next jams he tries freeing the blades by stamping on the blockage.

Surprise, surprise. He loses his leg. As before, his work mates pack the leg in ice in a plastic bag and rush him to hospital again. Next morning he astounds everyone by waltzing in as if nothing had happened. The gaffer, getting a bit wiser, tells him to never put a limb in the machine. At the next jam he heeds the advice and tries to headbutt the blockage to force it through. Well, as you can imagine, he is decapitated so his pals put his head on ice in a plastic bag and take him to hospital.

The next day he doesn't turn up so the boss nips round to the hospital to find that the poor chap had suffocated...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Jan 22 - 07:24 AM

If mods ever read these these threads, for example to take time off from obsessing over our one-and-only Brit thread, may I plead with them to remove the extraneous letter m from my Ken Dodd joke...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Jan 22 - 07:17 AM

Well I did fall off my chair and busted a mirror that could give me seven years bad luck. My lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Jan 22 - 06:20 AM

I think he was giving the guitar joke an A-star, Raggtytash. Sadly, not a Shaw original, though I wish it was. I sent it to my guitar-playing lad this morning and he nearly fell off his chair. You do have to know what a Les Paul is first, though, and if you have to explain it, either before or after telling the joke, well, er, the moment has passed...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Raggytash
Date: 22 Jan 22 - 06:00 AM

Donuel, I suspect that many, if not most, people on this side of the pond cannot see why your last post is humourous. Could you please explain.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Jan 22 - 05:59 PM

Then a Fender... A+

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Jan 22 - 11:04 AM

Ken Dodd, one of my all-time favourites, once said "I'm not saying thatm I was an ugly baby, but when I popped out the midwife slapped me mother..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Jan 22 - 10:51 AM

A woman is in court, accused of killing her husband by hitting him over the head with his guitar.

The judge peered up at her over his specs and said, "First offender?"

She replied, "No, Your Honour. First a Les Paul, THEN a Fender..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Jan 22 - 10:46 AM

I've been a copper for twenty years. Anyone who tries to tell me that the police are corrupt can kiss my Rolex.

A policeman looks down at his stomach. He mutters to it, "You're under a vest..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 21 Jan 22 - 09:39 AM

The police canine centre was broken into last night and numerous items taken. A police spokesman said they definitely have no leads.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 21 Jan 22 - 07:02 AM

Man wakes up in a hospital bed after a motorcycle accident, and Screams:
"Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

"No sir, we amputated your hands!"

_______________________________________________________


Woman gets a phone call from the local A&E unit:
"Mrs Jones, your husband is here, he had an accident at work and we've had to amputate his finger."

"His whole finger?"

"No, the one next to it!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: G-Force
Date: 21 Jan 22 - 06:37 AM

A big hole opened up in the road outside our local police station. A spokesman for the police said they were looking into it.

-

And some of our cops were seen rehearsing their annual Christmas pantomime round at the local recycling centre. A spokesman for the police said they were acting on a tip.

-

And then someone broke into our local police station and stole all the toilet seats. A spokesman for the police said they had nothing to go on.

(It's the way I tell'em!)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Jan 22 - 08:24 PM

Beethoven's faforite fruit? BananaNAAA!

En Français, même question: Pom-pom-pom-POMME!"


Hey, Lone Ranger, what time is it?

Ten to ten, ten to ten, ten to ten ten ten...


...And where are you going with that car-load of rubbish?

To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Jan 22 - 03:30 PM

Doctor is saying to patient, ""Good news and bad - the good news is that I found the pills that will help you, but you'll have to take one a day for the rest of your life."

Chap says, "Oh, at least I'm alive, so I don't mind that!"

But looking at the bottle of pills he notices that there are only two in the bottle, and he looks back up at the doc.

"Ah yes," says the doc, "I haven't got round to the bad news yet..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 20 Jan 22 - 03:20 PM

After his operation, Bill was told by the surgeon that he had some bad news and good news for him.....firstly, unfortunately they had made a mistake and removed his good leg. However the good news was that his bad leg was getting better.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Jan 22 - 11:59 AM

I went to the doctor. He told me I had hypochondria.

I said wearily, "Well I might as well have it. I've got everything else..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Jan 22 - 11:33 AM

Doctor came into the ward to see a patient recovering from surgery.

"I have good news and bad news," sez the doc.

"So what's the good news, Doc??"

"Well, in the end we only had to remove half of your leg!"

"That's great! But what's the bad news, Doc?"

"It was the top half..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Jan 22 - 09:08 AM

"Doctor, I'm having real trouble pronouncing my Fs and THs..."

"Well, you can't say fairer than that, then..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 19 Jan 22 - 05:49 PM

A man is looking in a catalogue for a costume for a fancy dress party. He finds the perfect one - Adam - and sends off his order. After a few days, he receives a small fig leaf but sends it back with a note:
"Dear sirs,
       Please send me a larger fig leaf. This one
is not big enough to cover my requirements.
Yours sincerely, "

He receives the replacement but, again, returns it saying that it was not large enough to cover his requirements.

The same thing occurred with the large, XL and XXL sizes. Each time he returned it as not being large enough to cover his requirements.

Eventually, the supplier wrote to him offering him a custom made, quadruple extra large size, adding
"This is the largest size we are able to make. If this does not suffice, we suggest that you stick your requirements in your ear and go as a petrol pump."


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Jan 22 - 04:43 PM

mmm good

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Jan 22 - 04:31 PM

its a floor wax and a dessert topping

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Jan 22 - 04:09 PM

Chap goes to a fancy dress party carrying a naked young woman on his back.

"Good grief! Said the host, "So what have you come as?"

"A tortoise!" replied the chap.

"So, er, what's she doing on your back...?"

"That's Michelle!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bill D
Date: 19 Jan 22 - 02:20 PM

A business executive had a cute secretary, and he asked if she could "do some extra work over the weekend". She knew exactly what he meant, but didn't mind, and said she would. Boss says, "great, we'll work aboard my yacht". She says, "oh dear, I get really seasick!" He says "don't worry, I'll take care of it."
So he stops at the drugstore and asks for dramamine and condoms. The druggist says, "If it makes you sick, why
do you do it?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Jan 22 - 01:25 PM

Off topic. It's a joke thread.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Jan 22 - 01:00 PM

3 employees were watching the funeral pyre of their mutual boss.
They each commented on the momment.
"Look at the wonderful light the pyre casts"
"For me its the glorious warmth"
"If you can't smell that you both might have Covid!'

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 18 Jan 22 - 02:15 PM

Ha Ha Steve!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Jan 22 - 10:55 AM

"Went to the Infertility support group today. Most of them were from my family."

Heheh. That reminds me of the time I was in the waiting room at our local cottage hospital, waiting for an X-ray on my shoulder. A doctor who was also a drinking buddy of mine sailed through the waiting room, and spotting me sitting there, called out airily at the top of his voice, "Oh hi, Steve, I didn't realise that the impotence clinic was running today!" and promptly disappeared through a side door, leaving me with a bunch of other patients staring at me curiously...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 18 Jan 22 - 08:51 AM

And the time travelers' club will meet last Wednesday.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 18 Jan 22 - 07:30 AM

Last year, I joined a support group for anti-social people. We haven’t met yet!

I went to my first meeting for people with low self esteem today. Sign at front of building read ‘’Low self esteem group, use the back door’’

I went to the anger management support group today but they were shouting so much I just left!

The asthma support group I went to today was so good it really took my breath away.

I was going to the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome support group today but I couldn’t get out of bed.

I was going to the ‘Dizzyness’ support group today but I fell over on the way.

Was going to the exercise addiction support group today but ended up running past it.

Went to the Gambling Addiction support group today and it made me a little better.

Went to the Infertility support group today. Most of them were from my family.

Went to the Insomnia support group today but missed it all as I fell asleep.

Went to the Irritable bowel syndrome support group today but got fed up with all the bellyaching.

Went to the Kleptomaniacs support group today and came home with a lovely pair of silver candlesticks.

Went to the Loneliness support group today but no-one else came.

Would have gone to the Migraine sufferers support group today but came home with a headache last time, so gave it a miss.

Went to the Paranoia sufferers support group today. They all seemed to hate me so I left.

Was going to go to the Phobia support group today but was too frightened to go.

Was on my way to the Shopping addiction support group today but didn’t get there as M&S was open.

Was going to the Vegan support group today but realised it could be a missed steak.

First visit to the Unemployed support group today.. it was just the job.

The next time travellers support group meeting will be last Thursday at 2pm.

I went to the ‘Hernia sufferers group’ today but I found no support there.

I went to a meeting of the ‘Premature Ejaculators support group today but arrived too soon.

The Autopsy club will meet on Friday for an ‘Open Mike’ night.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 16 Jan 22 - 12:50 PM

When my ex-wife ran off with by best buddy I was totally devastated.....I really missed him!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Jan 22 - 10:33 AM

Man goes into living room and sez to his missus, "Come on, love, get your coat on..."

"Ooh, good! Are we going somewhere nice?"

"No, I'm off to the pub and I'm turning the heating off..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 16 Jan 22 - 08:07 AM

A man rushes into the house and shouts to his wife:
"Pack the suitcases! I've come up big-time on the lottery".
"Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" she asks.
"I don't care what what you take", he replies, "just pack your bags and clear off!"


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 16 Jan 22 - 07:16 AM

My ex wife told me one evening. 'Tonight I am going to make you the happiest man in the world'...... I replied 'Fantastic, but you can do your own packing'!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Jan 22 - 05:34 AM

"Whats the difference between mysoginist and sexist jokes?
not much."

You have demonstrated over many years that you have yet to appreciate that humour is multi-layered. In fact, you have yet to learn what a joke is. Thanks for the barb anyway.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 16 Jan 22 - 04:44 AM

Iron man has an iron will.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Jan 22 - 10:13 PM

Whats the difference between mysoginist and sexist jokes?
not much.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Jan 22 - 06:05 PM

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?


Iron Man is a superhero, whereas Iron Woman is an instruction.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: HuwG
Date: 15 Jan 22 - 05:30 PM

I told my girlfriend "I am going to make you mine."

She said "Lovely!"

I handed her a pickaxe.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 15 Jan 22 - 05:08 PM

Beethoven's faforite fruit? BananaNAAA!

En Français, même question: Pom-pom-pom-POMME!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Jan 22 - 11:14 AM

Beethoven's 9th;
"It was the bottom of the 9th and the bassists were loaded."