BS: Joke thread for 2023

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 05 Aug 23 - 09:09 AM

My brother never finishes anything. He's a black belt in Partial Art.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Aug 23 - 10:42 AM

Is an atheist like Steve who goes to church a hypocrite or a
hyper creep?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 07 Aug 23 - 11:01 AM

Last time I bought a train ticket I asked for a return ticket

Where to? Asked the clerk

Back here...


I am a black belt in the martial art of Kung Shui

Arranging the furniture so your enemies fall over it

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Aug 23 - 11:40 AM

You're the creep for posting this nonsense in the joke thread.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 07 Aug 23 - 01:18 PM

Serves you right for pointing out the obvious C&P :-D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Aug 23 - 01:28 PM

If I find a good joke that I can just copy and paste, I'll acknowledge the source. Far more often I find with a longer joke that I can edit it to make it more pithy, and I might change a few details too. All good. It's called the "jolk process." But seeing a beautifully literate but unattributed copy-and-paste posted by someone who we know to be semi-literate is, er, no joke...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Aug 23 - 02:36 PM

A man was looking for footnotes in the Joke thread. Not finding any, he decided to stick to the jokes.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 07 Aug 23 - 03:52 PM

Obviously far above my low level sense of humour.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Aug 23 - 07:11 PM

What I find fantastically funny about Steve is that he is incredibly fragile sitting precariously on top of a huge pile of rage, all the while sincerely caring about society from his point of view. His outrage is a veneer but he tries to make it sound tectonically deep. He is like the Super Dave of the joke thread, sounding so serious it's funny.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: BobL
Date: 08 Aug 23 - 02:37 AM

From his sometimes deep, sometimes whimsical output I am fast coming to the conclusion that our Don is actually a covert AI.

Now can we get back to the jokes please?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Aug 23 - 02:44 AM

Your analytical skills are zilch. You are mushroom-addled and the upshot is that you regularly make a complete fool of yourself. You are also bitter, jealous, obsessive, resentful and full of sour grapes and confused about everything you think you're good at. Bet you can't tell us a joke.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep just like my grandad, not like the shouting and screaming passengers in his car...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Aug 23 - 04:29 AM

My post was directed at Donuel. You're half-right, Bob, in that his input is artificial in the sense of fake, but miles out when you suggest "intelligence."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 08 Aug 23 - 06:37 AM

If I find a good joke that I can just copy and paste, I'll acknowledge the source.

............"............

I want to die peacefully in my sleep just like my grandad, not like the shouting and screaming passengers in his car...
Bob Monkhouse


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 08 Aug 23 - 07:48 AM

There are a number of versions Doug. None that I have found are an exact match so the C&P point stands. IMO.

My favourite Bob quote is "When I was young and said I wanted to be a comedian, they all laughed at me. They're not laughing now... "

(Not a C&P either :-) )

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 08 Aug 23 - 09:09 AM

There are a number of versions Doug.

That just means that it had been misquoted many times. The essence of the joke is pure Monkhouse.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Aug 23 - 10:22 AM

I didn't know it was one of his and I dredged it up entirely from memory this time! Did I really get that close to the original?

Anyway, in reparation for my thieving, here are three of Bob's cracking one-liners. When I read them I can still hear him machine-gunning them out!

"The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time."

"I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance."

"People always say: 'You're a comedian, tell us a joke.' They don't say: 'You're an MP, tell us a lie.'"

"When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did HE go back to?"

"I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Aug 23 - 10:24 AM

Three?? Is this a joke?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Aug 23 - 11:05 AM

A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.
As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elephant Squire had ten sons, but the Hippo Squire was childless. The Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire sent their eighteen sons to kill the Hippo Squire, but the Hippo Squire drew his sword and single-handedly slaughtered all eighteen of them.

And thus, it was proven once and for all that, the squire of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squires of the other two hides.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Aug 23 - 11:11 AM

Gosh, hasn't your spelling, punctuation and grammar suddenly improved beyond measure!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Aug 23 - 11:50 AM

How do you stop an Internet troll?
Seize their memes of production.

What do you call professional trolls?
Master baiters.

Trolls don't live under bridges. They have artificial Ivory Towers.

What do Trolls prove?
Nothing but they think they do.

The greatest gift a Troll can get is
destruction of good intentioned people.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Aug 23 - 06:16 PM

But have you got any jokes?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Aug 23 - 07:53 PM

To allay the Donuel-inspired gloom in what should be an unfailingly jolly thread, here are three more Bob Monkhouse one-liners:

I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

My dad was ruined by hard drink. He sat on an icicle.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 08 Aug 23 - 08:50 PM

Donuel, great rewrite! Loved the old version, but it's hard to tell these days.

Meanwhile my Unabashed Dictionary defines Artificial Intelligence as a blonde who's dyed herself brunette.

Speaking of stolen...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Aug 23 - 08:55 PM

Great rewrite of what? This is a joke thread, and no titter was raised this end, I can assure ye.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 09 Aug 23 - 02:35 AM

It was another uncredited C&P too.

Another king was so proud of his golden throne that he got paranoid about it being stolen and hoisted it up into the loft space so no-one could find it. Unfortunately the roof, being made of thatch, collapsed and the throne fell on the King, killing him.

Which goes to show that people in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Aug 23 - 03:45 AM

So not a rewrite then?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Aug 23 - 03:47 AM

And blonde jokes are so 1970s, aren't they. A bit like our Essex girl ones.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: G-Force
Date: 09 Aug 23 - 04:16 AM

Talking of the 1970's ...
Q: What's the difference between Jeremy Thorpe and William the Conqueror?
A: Not much, they're both fucking Norman.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Aug 23 - 04:25 AM

Essex girl crashes her car and is trapped. The fireman leans into the car, and says "Don't worry, love, we'll soon get you out. Where are you bleeding from?"

"Chingford," she replies, "So where are YOU bleedin' from?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 09 Aug 23 - 06:02 AM

What is a bully's favorite kind of joke? One with a punchline.

"NOBODY LOVES YOU" oh yeah? Who told you that, your mom?

Bullies learn their hate rape tactics from school days. Steve spent 35 years in middle school.

I ran into a school bully last week. Sadly he wore a seatbelt.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 09 Aug 23 - 06:04 AM

Paddy and Mick were relaxing at home. Paddy asked Mick, ‘’Are there any flightless birds in Iceland’’??. ‘’Of course’’ said Mick…………….. frozen chicken.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Aug 23 - 08:46 AM

Hate rape? You need to be very careful what you say, chum..

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 09 Aug 23 - 09:03 AM

Steve Shaw, I had heard that joke decades ago, about old women on the Rez, where the squaw of the hippopotamus was equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

I haven't told that joke in years. Now I can again, thanks to the brilliant rewrite Donuel posted.

Just because you don't know a joke doesn't mean it isn't one.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 09 Aug 23 - 09:29 AM

I'd rather read a clever C&P that I've never heard before, credited or un-, than to read a typed out version of the grass house/stowed throne joke that was stale 6 decades ago. No offense, Gnome. I either find something funny or I don't, that's all that concerns me.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Rain Dog
Date: 09 Aug 23 - 10:37 AM

There was me thinking that the Keystone cops were the joke police.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Aug 23 - 11:04 AM

Mrrzy, wassup! I've also known that joke for decades in another guise and of course I know it's a joke. The rewrite is quite good (discuss...) but it has NOTHING to do with Donuel except that he found it on the internet somewhere and copied and pasted it! Just copy the first line of it into your search box and you'll find "his" version all over the place.

I agree, gillymor, but when you see a perfectly literate rendition of a joke posted by a semi- literate person that he passes off as his own it kind of whiffs of his need for a bit of reflected glory. I got told off for posting a Bob Monkhouse one-liner (I didn't know it was his) without attribution, and made abundant reparation by posting a bunch of his others in two posts. In the past I've posted lots of one-liners from Tim Vine, Tommy Cooper, Ken Dodd and others and I always credit them.

I've said before that all our joke threads are replete with repetition and that it doesn't matter. If I'd whinged about every joke here that I'd heard (or seen here) before, I'd have wasted bucket loads of virtual ink. It doesn't matter one jot or tittle!

Anyway, I'm not at all well so all shut up...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 09 Aug 23 - 12:16 PM

Attribution, please; it being from the yuppie-and-yokel era ought to put bounds on its origin ....

Man in flashy sports car drives up to a ford in the countryside.

Driver: "I say, how deep is this ford?"
Local: "Yur, 'tis only an inch or two."
Driver: "Thanks."

Vroom *vroom* *splash* glugluglug ....
Driver swims ashore and grabs local by the throat.

Driver: "I thought you said this was only two inches deep!"
Local: "Yur, does only come halfway up our ducks."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 09 Aug 23 - 12:23 PM

That is like a Peter Sellers joke.

Ow! I thought you said your dog doesn't bite.
That is not my dog.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 09 Aug 23 - 12:34 PM

gillymor. Of course it was an old joke. This is a folk music site and it was traditional:-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 09 Aug 23 - 01:24 PM

So what if it was cut and pasted? You think I retype every joke I find funny enough to post here?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Aug 23 - 01:24 PM

Not a joke, Donuel. You are an extremely slow learner. Put the mushrooms down and walk away slowly.

Here's a Peter Sellers one:

Did you hear about the bloke who poisoned his wife with a razor blade?

He gave her arse a nick.

(Not the greatest joke ever but at least it's a bloody joke!)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Aug 23 - 01:25 PM

What jokes?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 09 Aug 23 - 01:30 PM

You think I retype every joke I find funny enough to post here?

I think I have up to now and I always try to cite the source if I ever use C&P. It is only common courtesy to all concerned

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Aug 23 - 02:35 PM

That's more like it, MaJoC (God, it's bloody hard to to type your moniker - may I call you Mad Jock?). I just told Mrs Steve that one in a faux yokel accent and she loved it!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 09 Aug 23 - 03:36 PM

American tourist in the Yorkshire dales spots an old chap sat on a bench rolling something into little black balls

"Gee" he says "I love these quaint English customs. Just what is this one?"

"Ahm meckin larnin pills"

"Wow! That's great. Can I try one?"

"Aye. Fiver each"

The tourist buys half a dozen and pops the first one in his mouth

"Yuk! That tastes like sheep shit!"

"Tha's larnin..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 09 Aug 23 - 03:41 PM

Courtesy of random Facebook memes

I just googled "Missing medieval servant"

It came back "Page not found"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 09 Aug 23 - 08:43 PM

Hahaha!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 10 Aug 23 - 05:42 AM

America is multi lingual but not everyone has English skills. Yesterday my phone said the call was from pastel hair and a young lady was asking me about a manicure. I politely told her several times I did NOT need a manicure. Very slowly she said 'med i care'. Oh that's different.

At the drive through I was asked if I wanted a Cole Porter. I said sure but when I got to the window she was holding a Cup Holder.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 11 Aug 23 - 03:53 PM

Re Donuel, 09 Aug 23 - 12:23 PM ....

[Mumble frotz], you left-handed w*nker.
*I'm* not left-handed.

.... heard in real time some decades ago.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 11 Aug 23 - 04:05 PM

> Mad Jock

*bzzt* Wrong, in stereo: I'm English; and not only am I sane, but I also have a piece of paper here to prove it.

.... meanwhile, back at the jokes, somebody at a previous place of employment chose to expand "IBM" to "I've Been MaJoCced".