BS: Joke thread for 2023

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Nov 23 - 01:41 PM

One day a Trump Party member is walking through town when he hears a man shout “Down with the Republican with a fat head and ass.” Immediately the Trumpist drags the man to Mara Lago and explains to Donald what he said. Donald, furiously asks: why did you say that? The man replies he was talking about Chris Christie. Trump listens and decides the man is telling the truth. He agrees with his sentiments and sends the man on his way. The Trumper is about to go as well but is stopped by Donald and asked: "Tell me, which fat ass were you thinking of when you dragged that man here?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Nov 23 - 01:53 PM

A man is lying in the hospital, waiting to be the first person in history to receive a brain transplant. A doctor comes in and says "Congratulations! But unfortunately since this is a new procedure your insurance isn't going to cover it all. So we're going to give you 3 choices for brains and you can decide which you can afford." "Okay, what are they?" Says the man to the doctor. The doctor says "Well, first there's a botanist brain, that's $100 an ounce. Then there's astrophysicist brain, that'll cost you $200 an ounce. Finally there's politician brain. That's the most expensive at $1000 an ounce." The man looks at the doctor, surprised. "That's absurd! Why is the politician brain so expensive?" The doctor turns to him and says "Dear God man, do you have any idea how MANY politicians it takes to get an ounce of brain?!?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 24 Nov 23 - 09:04 AM

...and Lo, the animals came to the stable. The ass gave the baby warmth, the cow gave the baby milk. The turkey said:"what an ugly baby" and gave the family their first thanksgiving dinner.
RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 24 Nov 23 - 11:46 AM

It's the ancient Olympics and the King has been asked to give out the medals.

"To athlete in first place, goes this gold medal;

To the second placed athlete, goes this, ... erm?.., gold medal;

And for third place, we have this ... oh? ... erm?? ..."

The queen steps forward: "OK Midas. I'll take from here!"

Dc

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Nov 23 - 10:13 PM

One day the A817 was visiting Glasgow, and it found a nice-looking pub to spend the evening in. Unbeknownst to our protagonist, the pub was rougher than it looked.

First thing that happened, the doors burst open, and a four-lane motorway stomped in. The various A- and B-roads hurriedly got out of its way, and it went up to the bar. “I’m the M8,” it said in a rough Lowlands accent. “Gimme a pint of snakebite.”

The bartender gave the M8 a pint, but it had hardly started to drink when the doors burst open again, and a six-lane motorway pushed its way in. It hard-shouldered the cringing M8 out of its way, and announced in a coarse south-side Glaswegian accent: “I’m the M74. Gimme a pint of cider and black, ya bas.”

The bartender had barely drawn the cider into the glass, when the door opened quietly, and a weedy little “road” came in: green, with only one white stripe. It approached the bar, and the A817 was bemused when both the M8 and the M74 cringed out of the way, trying to make themselves look as small as possible.

“What’s going on,” whispered the A817 to the cowering M8, as the strange weedy road sat by the bar and ordered a Guinness. “Big tough motorway like you, afraid of a wee thing like that?”

“Aye mate,” said the M8, “I’m a big tough motorway. But yon’s a fucking cyclepath.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 28 Nov 23 - 02:26 AM

I subscribe to a newsletter from a local tent manufacturer. This month's is headed "now is the winter of our discount tents"

Their PR are good :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Nov 23 - 08:45 PM

Woman came home from seeing the doc. She says to her husband, "That went really well! The doc told me that I have the breasts of a 20-year-old!"

Scathingly, he said, "Hmm. Did he say anything about your 60-year-old arse?"

"Well no, dear, he didn't mention you at all..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Nov 23 - 06:23 AM

A shamelessly copied Ronnie Corbett joke:

A rural dean once went to visit one of his local priests. He could see the priest looked sad, so he asked what the matter was. The priest replied, “I have had my bicycle stolen, and what is worse, I think it has been stolen by one of my congregation.”

The wise rural dean thought for a second and said, “Ah, what you need to do.. is preach a sermon on the 10 Commandments. When you get to “Thou shalt not steal” look sternly at all the congregation. The person who looks embarrassed will be the one who stole it.”

A few weeks later, the rural dean visited the priest again and he was much happier. The priest told him he had got his bike back. The rural dean said, “Did you preach on the 10 Commandments?”

“Yes.” replied the priest

“And did you find out who took it?”

“Er, not exactly. When I got to “Thou shalt not commit adultery”, I remembered where I left it.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Nov 23 - 06:28 AM

A woman was reading a letter that her doctor had sent her.

"This is disgusting! Last week he told me I was dyslexic, and now he's written to say that I have tiny tits!"

"Let me see that," said her husband, seizing the letter.

After a moment, he said to her, "The letter says that you have tinnitus..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 30 Nov 23 - 07:43 AM

My ex wife came home from the doctors and said 'I think the Doc fancies me'. I asked her why...she replied 'He says a have a cute angina.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 30 Nov 23 - 10:04 PM

Dyslexics of the world, untie!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 01 Dec 23 - 02:07 PM

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 01 Dec 23 - 05:45 PM

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac??    Stayed awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

I asked her if she knew the difference between sex and conversation. She replied 'No' So I told her we should have a long chat.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Dec 23 - 04:46 AM

How many dyslexics does it change to take a lightbulb?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 02 Dec 23 - 06:06 AM

Steve... did you mean a lgihtblub?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Dec 23 - 01:19 PM

Wot?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Dec 23 - 05:53 AM

How Many Narcissists Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?;

“How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?”
None, they use gaslighting.

One… they hold it in place and wait for the world to revolve around them…

None, they think their "shining light" is enough for the world.

Light bulb? Everybody knows that isn't a light bulb. And even if it was, it wouldn't need changing. Anyone can see the lighting in here is great. You need to get your eyes checked.

None because we do it for them and then hear about how we did it wrong.

Light bulb? Oh, you mean it’s still not working?

What light bulb?

None, they don't know how to change a bulb, only how to shine it on themselves.

None, they prefer to keep things in the dark anyway.

They just get you to change it and then convince you that they did.

None, because it is all your fault that the light bulb went out.

Depends on who's watching.

None, because they find a source to do everything.

It's not my responsibility.

None. It's someone else's job so they can moan at them later when the bulb ultimately blows again.

They don’t need to change the bulb. It’s not broken. What’s wrong with you? Why would you think that?

It wasn't me.

None. They will leave it for you to do and then complain about how you did it wrong.

Well, I didn’t do it. I think you are imagining it. That bulb isn’t broken. It works just fine. But if it’s dark in the room is really all your fault! And why do you have to be so sensitive. Geez, it’s only a light bulb. I was just kidding you stupid git.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 04 Dec 23 - 06:03 AM

How many narcissists does it take to mangle a simple light bulb joke?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Dec 23 - 06:07 AM

Just the one, just the one. Got any jokes, Donuel?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Dec 23 - 07:46 AM

Jokes are for people who have no personal concept of a sense of humor.
Jokes are a poor replacement to fill that void.
A man who understands this best is Albert Brooks.
(Albert's original name was Albert Einstein.)
Got any sense of humor, Steve?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 04 Dec 23 - 08:38 AM

Since you find jokes so far beneath your highly evolved sense of humor WTF are you doing on a JOKE THREAD.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Dec 23 - 11:07 AM

Because he likes to troll.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Rain Dog
Date: 04 Dec 23 - 11:20 AM

"Jokes are for people who have no personal concept of a sense of humor."

That is your best joke Donuel.

Sense of humour. Great sense of humour. We don't all find the same things funnny.

You of all people must already know that.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Dec 23 - 02:50 PM

You Know You're Old When... Your favorite topic is criticism.
...when you have over 10 words you can no longer say in public.
...when you only have a landline.
...when a simple fall is a life-threatening event.


40's
You Know You Are Old When...
You know you are 40 when you've been there and done that, but don't remember what that was.

You know you are old when you stop growing at both ends and start growing in the middle.

You know you are old when you can cough, fart, sneeze and pee at the same time.

You know you are old when you got to second base with a TSA screener.

You know you are old when the only females who pursue you are mosquitoes.

You know you are old when you are too old to learn new tricks but your old tricks work just as well.

You Know You Are Old When...
50's
You know you are 50 when you knew when the Dead Sea was only sick.

You know you are old when you go to the beach and turn a wonderful color: Blue. It's from holding your stomach in.

You know you are old when people tell you how good you look.

You know you are old when almost everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

You know you are old when the candles cost more than the cake.

You know you are old when you tell people you are retro.

You Know You Are Old When...
60's
You know you are old when you hear your favorite songs in an elevator.

You know you are old when you're told to slow down by your doctor and not the police.

You know you are 60 years old when you eat supper at 5 p.m.

You Know You Are Old When...
70's
You don't care if you lose a cell phone.

You know you are old when the oxygen masks drop from the ceiling when your birthday candles are lit.

You Know You Are Old When...
80's
You know you are old when you write a note to yourself reminding you not to take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

You know you are 80 when your staying power is for the cake.

You Know You Are Old When...
90's
You know you are old when kidnappers aren't very interested in you.

You know you are old when people no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

You Know You Are Old When...
100's
You know you are old when there is nothing left to learn the hard way.

You know you are old when you are too old to care.

You know you are 100 years old when you see expensive antiques and you remember one just like it that you threw away.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Dec 23 - 03:13 PM

You know you are old when you are frightened by a current photo of Mary Lou Retton.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Dec 23 - 08:49 PM

Well plenty of posts, but the 4th has been a joke-free zone. So:

A bloke is seriously ill in a hospital bed, wired up to all sorts of machines and wearing an oxygen mask.

A young nurse pops her head round the door to make sure he's ok, but. he waves his hand to her and calls her in. He asks her, "Please can you tell me if my testicles are black?"

She's somewhat taken aback and she replies that that isn't part of her duties. "Please, nurse, I'm desperate to know!"

Reluctantly she folds back his bedsheets and gently takes down his pj bottoms. Carefully, she eases his "old man" to one side and caresses his testicles.

"Well, everything's fine down there," she reassures him, and replaces his sheets and pj bottoms.

He takes off his oxygen mask momentarily and says, "Thank you, nurse, that was just lovely. But now can you tell me if my test results are back?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: BobL
Date: 05 Dec 23 - 04:40 AM

You know you are old when "forward planning" means not buying green bananas.

Sorry, you're probably sick of these by now...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Charmion's brother Andrew
Date: 05 Dec 23 - 10:53 AM

Yo-yo Ma and Buotros Boutros Ghali go out for lunch at a restaurant in New York. The waiter comes to take their order. "I'll have the mahi-mahi." says Yo-yo.

The waiter then turns to Boutros Boutros, "And Your Excellency?"

In response, he asks, "How's the couscous?"

The waiter replies, "So-so."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Dec 23 - 12:31 PM

Heheh. They should have gone to my very favourite Italian restaurant, which is in Bath. It's called Sotto Sotto. No kidding! :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 06 Dec 23 - 06:42 PM

Excellent New Yorker cartoon!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 08 Dec 23 - 09:41 AM

Meanwhile, back at the ageist jokes:

Growing up is the transition between thinking "Whoopee! an hour's extra partying" when the clocks go back, and instead thinking "Whoopee! an hour's extra sleep".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MudGuard
Date: 08 Dec 23 - 11:11 AM

Getting old involves the change from "Did I forget something?" to "What did I forget?" ...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 11 Dec 23 - 11:05 AM

Ah, those "hereafter" moments...

As in, what am I here after? when entering the room you went to FOR A REASON which has now skittered out of your mind like a mouse.

I blame doorways.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 13 Dec 23 - 06:51 AM

If the GOP holds debates in the forest, does Trump hear it?

Jack yells at the office lunch thief, "That is nacho cheese"
The thief said "I think it's Pepper Jack"
Jack yells louder "That is NOT YOUR CHEESE"

What did the magician say to the fisherman?
"Pick a cod, any cod"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 13 Dec 23 - 08:22 AM

Mitch McConnel is freezing up so often and his reboot takes so long that he is receiving Norton antiviral treatments.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 13 Dec 23 - 08:39 AM

Don't give up your day job, Don.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 14 Dec 23 - 03:43 PM

> I blame doorways.

How right you are, Mrrzy. I heard of a study once which suggested that humans tend to walk through their own life stories like a film; moving from one room to another causes a scene change, and *that*'s when one forgets why one went through the doorway.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 14 Dec 23 - 04:14 PM

"'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?"- George Carlin

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Dec 23 - 06:39 PM

Story of my life: one door closes, another one shuts... :-(

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 15 Dec 23 - 07:44 AM

My doctor told me I had one year to live so I shot him........The judge just gave me fifteen years.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Dec 23 - 04:42 PM

Sorry about the swearing in the following::

A young novice's first job in her new convent was to keep the birds out of the veg garden. One day, Mother Superior, watching from her upstairs window, to her horror witnessed the young nun waving her arms around shouting "Fuck off, crows!"

She called her into her office and told her, "Now look here, my dear, we don't tolerate that sort of behaviour here."

"So what do I do to get rid of the birds, Mother?"

"You wave your arms and shout 'Shoo, crows!'

THEN they'll fuck off!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 15 Dec 23 - 05:14 PM

I read that article!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Dec 23 - 07:01 PM

"Article"??

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 16 Dec 23 - 07:26 AM

1970 called, they want Archie Bunker back but he is currently doing time for an insurrection.

Lauran Bobert was caught giving a hand job at Xmas Mass.

Scrawny Ozempic Santa disappointed children.

Trump now claims he will only be a dictator on year one.

Texas charges fetus as an abortion accomplice.

California homeless encampment wants their own State.

Guilliani gets lit before lighting the tree.

Taylor Swift single again. Her new album is called Fuck Travis Kelce

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Dec 23 - 08:14 AM

Sick.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 16 Dec 23 - 11:26 AM

and tired
of the same old editorials.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Dec 23 - 12:01 PM

Please take your dismal bad taste elsewhere. You can't make jokes and your "offerings" have no place in this thread, which you are clearly trying to ruin. Shame on you.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Dec 23 - 01:24 PM

Did you hear about the statistician who drowned while crossing a river? It was three feet deep on average.

Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Q. What do you call a hippie's wife?

A. Mississippi.

I'll get me coat...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Dec 23 - 08:51 AM

I was in a restaurant the other day and the Mrs had gone to the bathroom when the waiter came to take our order.

"Do you know what she is having?" asked the waiter

"Well, judging by the length of time she has been in there, I can guess..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Dec 23 - 09:55 AM

Bathroom, Dave. I love it! I'm just off to the pet peeves thread...:-)