BS: Joke thread for 2023

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Aug 23 - 07:30 PM

Two old ladies were chatting. Sez one: "Awful thing happened last week. I was cooking the Sunday lunch and I sent my husband to the allotment to pick us a nice cabbage. He was just about to cut it when he dropped dead of a heart attack!"

"Oh my God! That's awful! What did you do?"

"Well, I had to open a tin of peas..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 29 Aug 23 - 08:26 AM

She said....'Please show me an example of innuendo'? So I gave her one!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 29 Aug 23 - 08:55 AM

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday and she said "How about a divorce?".
I told her I wasn't planning to spend that much.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 29 Aug 23 - 12:21 PM

When I forgot her birthday... she said 'well you can just go out now and get me some item with loads of diamonds in'.....so I did. She loves her new pack of playing cards!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 06 Sep 23 - 12:35 PM

"Ah Sandy, I haven't seen you since last week"

"Aye, I was on holiday."

"Where did you go?"

"Went to Pitlochry. I'd never been there."

"And how did Velma like it?"

"Oh, it was just me."

"You went without her?"

"Aye, Velma's already been to Pitlochry"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 06 Sep 23 - 02:03 PM

That's the last time I go giving blood.

They wanted to know who's blood it was, where I got it and why it was in a bucket!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Sep 23 - 08:32 AM

Every Wednesday night at St. Rocco’s Catholic Church is a marriage seminar for husbands.

One night Father Gill asked Fabio to share his secrets for staying happily married for almost 50 years.

Fabio explained that he’d tried to treat his wife nice, buy her a few things, and best of all, he took her to Rome for their 49th anniversary.

Father Gill asked, “So what are you going to do for your 50th?”

Fabio proudly answered, “I’m gonna go pick her up!”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 08 Sep 23 - 10:58 AM

Yay! You've done it Don :-D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Sep 23 - 11:18 AM

Yebbut I posted my version of that one ages ago...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 08 Sep 23 - 11:52 AM

There's a comment about imitation and flattery, but it escapes me ....

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 08 Sep 23 - 11:58 AM

.... Oh, and warning for those about to visit the Vatican: They installed airport-type screening kit at the entrance to the Sistine Chapel, sometime between our first and second visits there, and the queues then were four hours long. Perhaps Fabio's missus is still in the queue.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Sep 23 - 12:48 PM

I was poisoned by a water fountain at the Vatican Museums. Fortunately, the symptoms set in the day after we arrived home. We paid for a fast-track ticket but still waited over two hours to get in. Same at the Colosseum. In the words of Dr Johnson, worth seeing, but not worth going to see.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 08 Sep 23 - 04:41 PM

Oh, Dr. Johnson was a witty one! After he published his dictionary, a delegation of women went to see him to complain.
The spokeswoman said huffily, "Dr. Johnson, your dictionary contains some 'improper' words!"
"Madam," he replied, "you've been looking for them!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 08 Sep 23 - 05:45 PM

The Blackadder episode with Dr Johnson is a cracker.


Yes that was intentional :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Sep 23 - 06:55 AM

A young man spotted a very old man sitting on a park bench, sobbing his heart out.

"Can I help?" asked the young man.

The old man said, “It’s a lovely day to be out and about. I'm 95 today. I am rich. I have a big country mansion with servants who do everything for me. I have a superb new sports car, a private jet and a yacht. I have a gorgeous young wife who's organising my birthday party right this minute.”

"Blimey, sounds like you should be the happiest man alive! Why the tears?"

"I can't remember where my house is..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 12 Sep 23 - 07:37 AM

How weird - That sprang to mind as I was driving this morning! I had not seen the thread till now/

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 15 Sep 23 - 08:10 AM

She said 'Hey Scotsman, is anything worn under your kilt'? He replied 'Noo dear, everything is in purrfect wurrkin order'!

Shesaid 'Do you wear anything under your kilt'? He replied 'Putt yer haand up underneath and find oot'. She did but quickly removed her hand saying ' Ohhh It's gruesome'!!   He said 'Putt yer haand up under again ye'll find its grew some more'!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 18 Sep 23 - 05:42 PM

Boss   -   "Where are you?"
Me      -   "I'm on the train heading for the south coast".
Boss   -   "You're supposed be in work!"
Me      -   "But you told me that you wanted me in Brighton early in the morning".


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 18 Sep 23 - 10:28 PM

Looking for improper words in the dictionary reminds me of the old lady complaining about the boys who kept whistling dirty songs outside her window...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 18 Sep 23 - 11:28 PM

A group of astrophysicists tired of all the scatalogical jokes being made out of the word Uranus so they proposed changing the planet's name to... Urectum.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 19 Sep 23 - 02:05 PM

I have a friend who has started up a new hobby, taking pictures of salmon in different outfits. He says it's really easy, like shooting fish in apparel

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Sep 23 - 04:24 PM

An ancient couple were at their friends' house and were chatting away. The old boy said,   “Last night we went out to a fantastic restaurant we've never been to before."

His friend asked what the name of the restaurant was.

"Oh blimey, what was it now...". After a moment's thought he said, "What's the name of that flower you give on Valentines Day, you know, the red one with thorns...?"

“Do you mean a rose?”

“Ah, yes, that's it!"   He turned to his wife and said, “Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 20 Sep 23 - 11:52 AM

An old lady who lived alone in a house by a river called the County Sheriff.
"I want to report some young boys acting indecently! They're playing in the river right down the hill from my house. And they are NUDE!"

"Well," said the sheriff, "boys will be boys, but I'll send someone out to move them."

A couple of hours later, she called back. "They only moved a little ways. When I go to sit on my front porch, I can still see them! I am offended!"

Again, the sheriff sends a deputy out, and again, the old lady calls back.
"They moved behind some bushes, but when I go to my upstairs sewing room, I can still see them!"

Now the sheriff decides to solve the problem once and for all, and goes out himself to move the boys a couple of hundred yards down the river.

He thinks all is well, but again she calls back!

"I had them move way down! Now what?"

" Well,if I go up to my attic and lean way out the attic window with my binoculars, I can still see them!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 21 Sep 23 - 11:11 AM

What's the difference between a joke and a rhetorical question?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Sep 23 - 06:47 AM

'Who wants to be a Millionaire' and it's Micks' final question for a million pounds. 'Which bird never makes a nest 1) a sparrow, 2)a swallow, 3) a blackbird, 4) a cuckoo. Micks' only lifeline left is phone a friend so the host phones Paddy and Mick asks him the question. Paddy immediately says 'It's the cuckoo'. Mick wins the million pounds!!!!! When he gets home, he asks Paddy 'How did you know it was a cuckoo'?? To which Paddy replied 'Because cuckoos live in clocks you fool'!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Sep 23 - 06:19 AM

A few one-line groaners from Tim Vine, who was asked what jokes he'd put inside Christmas crackers:

I used to file my nails but then I thought, what’s the point in keeping them?

The turkey challenged me to a fight. He threw down the giblet.

My Christmas decorations are inflatable. I’m forever blowing baubles.

I saw a coconut-flavoured biscuit playing football. It was Wayne Macarooney.

You invented Tipp-Ex. Correct me if I’m wrong.

I was going to write my will today but then I thought, life’s too short.

I’ve got a horse called Treacle. He’s got golden stirrups.

I went to a posh party where everyone was drinking and knitting. I got Pimm’s and needles.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 26 Sep 23 - 04:41 AM

In America it's called an elevator while in the UK it's called a lift

I guess we were just raised differently

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Sep 23 - 11:49 PM

Nerd joke:

What does the ‘B’ in Benoit B. Mandlebrot stand for?

Benoit B. Mandlebrot.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Sep 23 - 06:30 AM

?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Manitas_at_home
Date: 27 Sep 23 - 07:08 AM

Fractals.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Sep 23 - 08:50 AM

I did warn that it was nerdy.

I laughed, anyway.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Sep 23 - 08:56 AM

We tend to like simple groans or belly laughs here in the UK. In-jokes or jokes that require much mental processing don't cut it.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Sep 23 - 05:23 AM

A bloke was in his garden when there was a terrible crashing sound from inside the house. His wife's friend dashed out in a panic and screamed at the bloke, "Quick! Your wife's fallen downstairs and she unconscious and it looks like she's broken both legs and fractured her skull!"

"Oh, thank God for that!" He replied, "I thought it was my motorbike falling over in the garage..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Sep 23 - 05:35 AM

Possibly politically-incorrect but here goes anyway...

A couple took the wife's mother on a trip to the Holy Land. Sadly, the old lady died on the trip.

The undertaker said to the chap, "You have two choices. I can arrange for her to be flown home for £25000, or you can have her buried here in a simple ceremony for £500."

Without hesitation he replied that he wanted her flown home.

"Well it's up to you, of course, but why would you want to spend all that money when you don't have to?"

The chap replied, "Two thousand years ago they buried a bloke here and three days later he rose from the dead. I can't take that risk..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Sep 23 - 09:54 AM

possibly? That was an antisemitic joke in Germany years ago.
..."Years ago they buried a Jew here and"...

I'd like to see things from your point of view but I won't put my head up your ass.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Sep 23 - 12:26 PM

Stop looking for trouble and acting so bloody stupid. I should think that of the eight billion people living on this planet you're the only one who'd see anything "antisemitic" in that joke.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Sep 23 - 12:32 PM

Incidentally, my "politically-incorrect" comment was a reference to the fact that mother-in-law jokes are regarded in some quarters as passé these days, nothing else, a bit like blonde jokes really. I've got plenty more if they'll divert you from adding poison to a light-hearted and generally jovial thread.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Sep 23 - 03:53 PM

A tortoise was crossing the road when he was mugged by two snails. The police asked him, "Can you tell us exactly what you saw?"

The tortoise replied, "I don't know - it all happened so fast..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Sep 23 - 03:55 PM

How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb?


Who wants to know....?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 30 Sep 23 - 04:04 AM

Knock knock

Who's there?

Isiah

Isiah who?

Isiah was going over the far famed Kerry mountains...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Sep 23 - 07:35 AM

Bloke goes to the doctors' surgery and asks the receptionist if he can have an urgent appointment. The receptionist says that the doctor hasn't got any appointments left but says she'll try to fit him in if she can tell the doc what it's about.

"There's something wrong with my dick!” he replies rather loudly.

She's a bit shocked and offended and says, “Sir, your language…we have women and children in here! Would you like to try that again?”

"Oh, sorry about that,” the man says, “There's something wrong with my ear”.

"That's better… so what's the matter with your ear, sir?”

The man replies, in a loud voice again, “I can’t piss out of it!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Oct 23 - 08:51 AM

One hot day I noticed that my mate appeared to have what looked like a bra strap showing through his t-shirt.

"Is that a bra you're wearing?" said I.

"Er, yeah..."

"Jaysus, man, how long have you been wearing that?"

"Ever since my wife found it in the glove box..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Oct 23 - 09:19 AM

Three Hell's Angels were in a greasy spoon when they noticed that the only other customer was an old bloke sat on his own. They went over to his table in threatening mode, and one of them spat in the old boy's coffee, one poured a load of salt all over his breakfast and one put out his cigarette in his fried egg.

The chap got up without a murmur, paid his bill and left.

"Not much of a man, was he?" sneered one of the greasers.

"Not much of a truck driver either," said the waiter looking out of the window. "He's just reversed over three motor bikes."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 03 Oct 23 - 05:44 PM

I have been diagnosed with Feefiphobia

A fear of giants

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Oct 23 - 07:34 AM

An elderly man was hit by a car. Whilst he was still on the road the paramedic cushioned his head and covered him up, then asked him if he was comfortable.

He replied, "Well I have few grand in the bank and a good pension..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Oct 23 - 07:39 AM

I just discovered that there's no apostrophe in Hells Angels. Back off, pedants!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Oct 23 - 08:53 AM

Superman and Batman were having a pint and sharing stories.

Superman said, "The other day I was flying over a deserted island when I spotted Wonder Woman lying naked on her back on the beach. I zoomed down, thinking I'd I'd take advantage of the situation..."

"Was she surprised?" asked Batman.

"Yeah, but not as surprised as the Invisible Man..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Oct 23 - 08:54 AM

Beware the I'ds of October...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Joe_F
Date: 10 Oct 23 - 06:36 PM

Steve Shaw: There's no apostrophe in _Finnegans Wake_ (the book). But there is one in "Finnegan's Wake" (the song). Joyce was being naughty.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 13 Oct 23 - 03:57 PM

Cartoon, fish and shark, having a conversation.

Shark: hi, what's your name? Fish tells name, then asks, what's your name? Shark answers Gerard...

But most folks just call me AAAAAAAAAARGH!