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BS: Hard things to do :-(
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Subject: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Dave the Gnome Date: 02 Sep 23 - 01:00 PM I have not posted this as an obituary as no one here knew her anyway. My daughter in law sadly passed away last week. She was the wife of my eldest son and, although she was older than him, was much too young to leave us at the age of 59. She had been part of our lives for almost 30 years and for the last 25 we had been related by marriage. They had no children and were a devoted couple. My son was understandably distraught. It is so difficult, as a parent, to bear the hardship of losing a child. Even though she was not born to us, she was still our daughter. Even worse, for me, is the thought that there is little I can do. Dads are supposed to fix things but I cannot fix this. I am sure he feels much worse than I do so I cannot burden him with my grief and guilt. So I am burdening you with it! Thanks for accepting the challenge Dave |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Stilly River Sage Date: 02 Sep 23 - 01:19 PM Lots of thoughts occur about my own fears of the death of loved ones, and the natural order of things that should have parents dying before their children. But this is about you, and how to process the pain. What comes to mind is spending quality time with other people, with exploring music and poetry that speak to this mourning period. What do you and your son do for meals, for music, for shared time together? What activity would honor your late DIL? Did she cook, garden, knit, or make furniture or pots? Something you can learn that connects you with her, shares her gifts to you. (The death of a friend at age 21 had my daughter crocheting hats for everyone, because the friend had taught her that needle art.) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Dave the Gnome Date: 02 Sep 23 - 02:09 PM She used to make jewellery and create havoc in restaurants! I suppose I could do both of those :-) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Steve Shaw Date: 02 Sep 23 - 02:40 PM Good thoughts and wishes heading your way, Dave. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Sandra in Sydney Date: 02 Sep 23 - 07:10 PM Enjoy your next restaurant meal, even if some of the other customers might not! Maybe you can string some beads from her stash as a keepsake for yourself & others. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Donuel Date: 03 Sep 23 - 07:52 AM It's hard but we all are so different there is no need to worry about timetables and customary rules. Some will find solace in nature and some may not. Welcome the changes and allow yourself to celebrate your favorite things. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Dave the Gnome Date: 03 Sep 23 - 02:19 PM Thanks all. I appreciate all the support |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Mr Red Date: 04 Sep 23 - 03:12 AM AS the dear old Queen Mum used to say about grief: "It doesn't get any better, you get better at it" Family are the first base but .......... my advice to anyone recently bereaved would be to get out and mingle. Walking clubs etc. CRUSE can help. When I knew a helper** they were happy to help with LBTQ and pets etc, but it is not for everyone. ** he had lost two wives and married ex-wife's aunt who eventually deceased him by 10 years. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Dave the Gnome Date: 07 Sep 23 - 09:25 AM A eulogy by my Son, Andrew and Lee's sister, Susannah In loving memory of Lee Polshaw, nee Beverley Cardash. Lee was born and raised in North West London by her mum Leila, dad Alan and stepdad Howard. She was part of the Jewish community and started her early life doing youth work. In her later life she discovered she was dyslexic and so did not follow her older sister, Susannah to university after school and did a variety of jobs before spending most of her twenties working for Cartier jewellers as a receptionist. Following redundancy she did a BTEC in Social Care before coming to North Staffordshire to study Criminology at Keele University in 1995. There she met Andy in 1996 and they were married in Hampstead, London in 1998 and bought a house in Trent Vale shortly afterwards. Lee has worked locally in administration for the university, Stoke-on-Trent College, the NHS and found her calling in probation where she worked as probation service officer in Winsford. Her physical health fluctuated but slowly declined over the past 17 years where she lived with her husband, Andy, in Penkhull. Although constantly hating party politics, Lee constantly fought for what she believed in ethically and politically and helped people in need in any way that she could. Lee also stood as the Labour Candidate in the Penkhull & Stoke By-election and, although her arthritis meant she couldn’t campaign much herself and lost by a few votes, she did that hoping to help her neighbours in any way she could. Although Lee never wanted one, she bought a mobility scooter and could be seen in the past couple of years, sometimes with a megaphone in hand, at anti-fascist and other protests as well as knocking on residents doors asking in her and other wards while campaigning.. Andy & Lee celebrated their silver wedding anniversary in July on a 3 week road trip through France and Italy, which sadly turned out to be Lee’s last adventure in life. Lee’s early diagnosed COPD worsened and was sleeping more after her return. Lee died suddenly and unexpectedly of a cardiac arrest on 23 August. Lee was fearless, feisty and strong; far more than should be capable of someone of her short stature and dwindling health. Everyone who met her, remembers her. Everyone she chose to spend time with would love her. She was a firebrand whose fire has unexpectedly gone out but whose light will be shared by all who loved her. Rest in Peace you beautiful and forever unique lady |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Thompson Date: 09 Sep 23 - 05:19 PM She sounds like a good soul. But *what* did she do in restaurants? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Dave the Gnome Date: 10 Sep 23 - 02:28 AM It was never straightforward Thompson! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Dave the Gnome Date: 13 Sep 23 - 02:32 AM The funeral is on Monday and we hope to go and see her on Friday. That will be tough but, from past experience, worthwhile. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: keberoxu Date: 14 Sep 23 - 07:26 PM Sending positive thoughts to you for the next few days. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Dave the Gnome Date: 15 Sep 23 - 03:18 AM Thank you keberoxu |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Dave the Gnome Date: 16 Sep 23 - 06:25 AM We went to see her yesterday and the undertaker has done a good job. She looked asleep! We wanted to go because our son did and we wanted to support him. His last memories were of her collapsing on the pavement outside their house and in the hospital surround by wires so this has put his mind at rest a little. It was upsetting of course but I think it is a milestone in the grieving process to say your last goodbyes in a calm, gentle environment. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Dave the Gnome Date: 21 Sep 23 - 02:55 AM The funeral went very well and Andrew did her proud. It was good to see her having her say with hurricane Lee the next day :-. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Stilly River Sage Date: 21 Sep 23 - 01:00 PM I hope you all went out and disrupted a restaurant in her honor afterwards. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Dave the Gnome Date: 21 Sep 23 - 01:49 PM Just a local sports and social club. They were very good! Andrew had been out for a meal with friends the day before and that seemed to be a Lee experience:-) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Rapparee Date: 22 Sep 23 - 08:20 PM I'm late getting to this or even on MC lately. Believe me when I say I know what you're feeling and know what you're going through. All I can offer are good thoughts and psychic support. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Dave the Gnome Date: 23 Sep 23 - 02:27 AM Thanks Rapparee I am going back to Whitby on Tuesday and will be treating Wednesday morning with some trepidation! I was at the folk festival 5 weeks ago come then when she died :-( Daft I know but I cannot help it. The support I have had from friends on here and elsewhere has been a great help. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Monique Date: 23 Sep 23 - 03:06 AM I've only opened this thread this morning. I'm sorry for your loss, Dave. My condolences to you all. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Dave the Gnome Date: 24 Sep 23 - 01:49 AM Thank you Monique and thanks again to all who have helped to support us during this hard time. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Backwoodsman Date: 24 Sep 23 - 03:59 AM Apologies Dave, I’m another who’s late getting to this thread. Sincere sympathy and condolences to you, your son, and the rest of your family. And all good wishes for your Whitby visit, hopefully a step the right way in the healing process. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Dave the Gnome Date: 28 Sep 23 - 08:39 AM Well, back from Whitby after a lovely time and no further tradgedies. Glad I got back on that horse :-) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Donuel Date: 07 Oct 23 - 11:46 AM Grief is uncomfortable but face it we are all predead folks. Moving on is full of mixed feelings. People who we are close to are indelible after they die but they are no longer central to our lives. Some things can't be fixed but we still move forward. In a way grief is chronic. But so is love, new places and people. Grief can drive people a little insane but so can other things. Everyone may know the feeling of being a misfit. That self-doubt might unite some and isolate others. Giving voice to your story is always better than remaining silent. So, good going Dave. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Dave the Gnome Date: 07 Oct 23 - 12:08 PM Thanks Don. Much appreciated There is a lovely phrase in an advert for a UK charity Death is not the opposite of life. It is part of it. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Steve Shaw Date: 07 Oct 23 - 01:24 PM "face it we are all predead folks." Well I'm not. I prefer to live in the moment, thank you. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Mrrzy Date: 07 Oct 23 - 01:52 PM So, you're dead? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Steve Shaw Date: 07 Oct 23 - 02:15 PM I'm fully alive and I'm not going to be called pre-dead, thank you. Let's accentuate the positive, eh? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Donuel Date: 08 Oct 23 - 01:44 PM As usual, Steve makes a point of disagreeing with what is not said. Mortality does make time our most enforced limited commodity. Immortality is something money can't buy although many have tried. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Stilly River Sage Date: 08 Oct 23 - 03:24 PM You reach a point in life when you realize that most of the people dear to you are old enough now that there will be more funerals and dealing with loss in the future. Retirement can serve as that reminder, though most of my retiree friends now are active and healthy. Our mother was the youngest of three daughters and we are the youngest of all of the cousins, so will in theory be seeing those relatives shuffle off this mortal coil ahead of us. Dwelling on that can subject matter can muffle the pleasure one otherwise experiences in life. We each have to think about it and deal with it in our own ways as we move forward. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Steve Shaw Date: 08 Oct 23 - 04:05 PM Well you did say that we're all pre-dead. That's what I don't agree with and that's what I said. Yeah, lots of funerals these days. As I said, live in the moment. That's the best we wrinklies have and we should relish it, whilst still celebrating the friends and family members who have passed on. Accentuate the positive! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-(Bu From: robomatic Date: 11 Oct 23 - 12:14 AM We have many folks who pass away 'in the midst of life' locally. Most recently they have been aviation incidents. We also have many bad drivers. And young suicides. We had a young symphony conductor, very good, very popular, who passed away suddenly during the Covid era, but with no cause of death cited. In many cases I either don't ask for details if I've not been informed or had a written reference. The other go-to is friends or relatives. But it's the living who we comfort, sometimes by mere presence and nearby warmth. Hard things to do... As the Yiddish saying goes: "God gives burdens...Also shoulders. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Mrrzy Date: 07 Oct 23 - 01:52 PM So, you're dead? |
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Subject: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Dave the Gnome Date: 02 Sep 23 - 01:00 PM I have not posted this as an obituary as no one here knew her anyway. My daughter in law sadly passed away last week. She was the wife of my eldest son and, although she was older than him, was much too young to leave us at the age of 59. She had been part of our lives for almost 30 years and for the last 25 we had been related by marriage. They had no children and were a devoted couple. My son was understandably distraught. It is so difficult, as a parent, to bear the hardship of losing a child. Even though she was not born to us, she was still our daughter. Even worse, for me, is the thought that there is little I can do. Dads are supposed to fix things but I cannot fix this. I am sure he feels much worse than I do so I cannot burden him with my grief and guilt. So I am burdening you with it! Thanks for accepting the challenge Dave |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Dave the Gnome Date: 02 Sep 23 - 02:09 PM She used to make jewellery and create havoc in restaurants! I suppose I could do both of those :-) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Dave the Gnome Date: 03 Sep 23 - 02:19 PM Thanks all. I appreciate all the support |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Dave the Gnome Date: 07 Sep 23 - 09:25 AM A eulogy by my Son, Andrew and Lee's sister, Susannah In loving memory of Lee Polshaw, nee Beverley Cardash. Lee was born and raised in North West London by her mum Leila, dad Alan and stepdad Howard. She was part of the Jewish community and started her early life doing youth work. In her later life she discovered she was dyslexic and so did not follow her older sister, Susannah to university after school and did a variety of jobs before spending most of her twenties working for Cartier jewellers as a receptionist. Following redundancy she did a BTEC in Social Care before coming to North Staffordshire to study Criminology at Keele University in 1995. There she met Andy in 1996 and they were married in Hampstead, London in 1998 and bought a house in Trent Vale shortly afterwards. Lee has worked locally in administration for the university, Stoke-on-Trent College, the NHS and found her calling in probation where she worked as probation service officer in Winsford. Her physical health fluctuated but slowly declined over the past 17 years where she lived with her husband, Andy, in Penkhull. Although constantly hating party politics, Lee constantly fought for what she believed in ethically and politically and helped people in need in any way that she could. Lee also stood as the Labour Candidate in the Penkhull & Stoke By-election and, although her arthritis meant she couldn’t campaign much herself and lost by a few votes, she did that hoping to help her neighbours in any way she could. Although Lee never wanted one, she bought a mobility scooter and could be seen in the past couple of years, sometimes with a megaphone in hand, at anti-fascist and other protests as well as knocking on residents doors asking in her and other wards while campaigning.. Andy & Lee celebrated their silver wedding anniversary in July on a 3 week road trip through France and Italy, which sadly turned out to be Lee’s last adventure in life. Lee’s early diagnosed COPD worsened and was sleeping more after her return. Lee died suddenly and unexpectedly of a cardiac arrest on 23 August. Lee was fearless, feisty and strong; far more than should be capable of someone of her short stature and dwindling health. Everyone who met her, remembers her. Everyone she chose to spend time with would love her. She was a firebrand whose fire has unexpectedly gone out but whose light will be shared by all who loved her. Rest in Peace you beautiful and forever unique lady |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Dave the Gnome Date: 10 Sep 23 - 02:28 AM It was never straightforward Thompson! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Dave the Gnome Date: 13 Sep 23 - 02:32 AM The funeral is on Monday and we hope to go and see her on Friday. That will be tough but, from past experience, worthwhile. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Dave the Gnome Date: 15 Sep 23 - 03:18 AM Thank you keberoxu |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Dave the Gnome Date: 16 Sep 23 - 06:25 AM We went to see her yesterday and the undertaker has done a good job. She looked asleep! We wanted to go because our son did and we wanted to support him. His last memories were of her collapsing on the pavement outside their house and in the hospital surround by wires so this has put his mind at rest a little. It was upsetting of course but I think it is a milestone in the grieving process to say your last goodbyes in a calm, gentle environment. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Dave the Gnome Date: 21 Sep 23 - 02:55 AM The funeral went very well and Andrew did her proud. It was good to see her having her say with hurricane Lee the next day :-. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Dave the Gnome Date: 21 Sep 23 - 01:49 PM Just a local sports and social club. They were very good! Andrew had been out for a meal with friends the day before and that seemed to be a Lee experience:-) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Dave the Gnome Date: 23 Sep 23 - 02:27 AM Thanks Rapparee I am going back to Whitby on Tuesday and will be treating Wednesday morning with some trepidation! I was at the folk festival 5 weeks ago come then when she died :-( Daft I know but I cannot help it. The support I have had from friends on here and elsewhere has been a great help. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Dave the Gnome Date: 24 Sep 23 - 01:49 AM Thank you Monique and thanks again to all who have helped to support us during this hard time. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Dave the Gnome Date: 28 Sep 23 - 08:39 AM Well, back from Whitby after a lovely time and no further tradgedies. Glad I got back on that horse :-) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Dave the Gnome Date: 07 Oct 23 - 12:08 PM Thanks Don. Much appreciated There is a lovely phrase in an advert for a UK charity Death is not the opposite of life. It is part of it. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Mr Red Date: 04 Sep 23 - 03:12 AM AS the dear old Queen Mum used to say about grief: "It doesn't get any better, you get better at it" Family are the first base but .......... my advice to anyone recently bereaved would be to get out and mingle. Walking clubs etc. CRUSE can help. When I knew a helper** they were happy to help with LBTQ and pets etc, but it is not for everyone. ** he had lost two wives and married ex-wife's aunt who eventually deceased him by 10 years. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-(Bu From: robomatic Date: 11 Oct 23 - 12:14 AM We have many folks who pass away 'in the midst of life' locally. Most recently they have been aviation incidents. We also have many bad drivers. And young suicides. We had a young symphony conductor, very good, very popular, who passed away suddenly during the Covid era, but with no cause of death cited. In many cases I either don't ask for details if I've not been informed or had a written reference. The other go-to is friends or relatives. But it's the living who we comfort, sometimes by mere presence and nearby warmth. Hard things to do... As the Yiddish saying goes: "God gives burdens...Also shoulders. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Donuel Date: 03 Sep 23 - 07:52 AM It's hard but we all are so different there is no need to worry about timetables and customary rules. Some will find solace in nature and some may not. Welcome the changes and allow yourself to celebrate your favorite things. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Donuel Date: 07 Oct 23 - 11:46 AM Grief is uncomfortable but face it we are all predead folks. Moving on is full of mixed feelings. People who we are close to are indelible after they die but they are no longer central to our lives. Some things can't be fixed but we still move forward. In a way grief is chronic. But so is love, new places and people. Grief can drive people a little insane but so can other things. Everyone may know the feeling of being a misfit. That self-doubt might unite some and isolate others. Giving voice to your story is always better than remaining silent. So, good going Dave. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Donuel Date: 08 Oct 23 - 01:44 PM As usual, Steve makes a point of disagreeing with what is not said. Mortality does make time our most enforced limited commodity. Immortality is something money can't buy although many have tried. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Stilly River Sage Date: 02 Sep 23 - 01:19 PM Lots of thoughts occur about my own fears of the death of loved ones, and the natural order of things that should have parents dying before their children. But this is about you, and how to process the pain. What comes to mind is spending quality time with other people, with exploring music and poetry that speak to this mourning period. What do you and your son do for meals, for music, for shared time together? What activity would honor your late DIL? Did she cook, garden, knit, or make furniture or pots? Something you can learn that connects you with her, shares her gifts to you. (The death of a friend at age 21 had my daughter crocheting hats for everyone, because the friend had taught her that needle art.) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Stilly River Sage Date: 21 Sep 23 - 01:00 PM I hope you all went out and disrupted a restaurant in her honor afterwards. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Stilly River Sage Date: 08 Oct 23 - 03:24 PM You reach a point in life when you realize that most of the people dear to you are old enough now that there will be more funerals and dealing with loss in the future. Retirement can serve as that reminder, though most of my retiree friends now are active and healthy. Our mother was the youngest of three daughters and we are the youngest of all of the cousins, so will in theory be seeing those relatives shuffle off this mortal coil ahead of us. Dwelling on that can subject matter can muffle the pleasure one otherwise experiences in life. We each have to think about it and deal with it in our own ways as we move forward. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Sandra in Sydney Date: 02 Sep 23 - 07:10 PM Enjoy your next restaurant meal, even if some of the other customers might not! Maybe you can string some beads from her stash as a keepsake for yourself & others. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Rapparee Date: 22 Sep 23 - 08:20 PM I'm late getting to this or even on MC lately. Believe me when I say I know what you're feeling and know what you're going through. All I can offer are good thoughts and psychic support. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Thompson Date: 09 Sep 23 - 05:19 PM She sounds like a good soul. But *what* did she do in restaurants? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Backwoodsman Date: 24 Sep 23 - 03:59 AM Apologies Dave, I’m another who’s late getting to this thread. Sincere sympathy and condolences to you, your son, and the rest of your family. And all good wishes for your Whitby visit, hopefully a step the right way in the healing process. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Steve Shaw Date: 02 Sep 23 - 02:40 PM Good thoughts and wishes heading your way, Dave. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Steve Shaw Date: 07 Oct 23 - 01:24 PM "face it we are all predead folks." Well I'm not. I prefer to live in the moment, thank you. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Steve Shaw Date: 07 Oct 23 - 02:15 PM I'm fully alive and I'm not going to be called pre-dead, thank you. Let's accentuate the positive, eh? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Steve Shaw Date: 08 Oct 23 - 04:05 PM Well you did say that we're all pre-dead. That's what I don't agree with and that's what I said. Yeah, lots of funerals these days. As I said, live in the moment. That's the best we wrinklies have and we should relish it, whilst still celebrating the friends and family members who have passed on. Accentuate the positive! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: Monique Date: 23 Sep 23 - 03:06 AM I've only opened this thread this morning. I'm sorry for your loss, Dave. My condolences to you all. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Hard things to do :-( From: keberoxu Date: 14 Sep 23 - 07:26 PM Sending positive thoughts to you for the next few days. |
