BS: Funny witticisms

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 03 Jan 24 - 06:59 AM

That was a real knee-slapper, Don.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Jan 24 - 07:11 AM

Yeah, fer chrissake. It succeeds except on two levels: it isn't funny and it isn't witty.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Donuel
Date: 03 Jan 24 - 07:29 AM

Today modern prosthetics accomplish the miracle that Lourdes can not.
Among the most devout in cults, religion, and politics are the most brainwashed.

What is most relevant in wit is truth, not how funny any given person will find the most amusement. An example of wit could include a Zen Koan or a clever retort.

Steve may arbitrarily assign narrow parameters on humor or wit but thank goodness he shall never be the sole judge and jury of any subject. His editorials on wit or humor are as ridiculous as insisting all poetry must obey the rules of a limerick.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 03 Jan 24 - 07:55 AM

Your understanding of what a witticism is is on par with you understanding of what a joke is. You can call a turd a chocolate souffle but it still smells like shit.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Donuel
Date: 03 Jan 24 - 08:49 AM

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will always regret. Besides the one-sentence post was the result of mod editing and not my doing. The endless editorials by the usual subjects are as toxic as ever. The tempest in Steve's teacup is as poisonous as ever.

You are perfectly entitled to go with the general flow but remember only dead fish always go with the flow. Weak people revenge with lies, strong people forgive but intelligent people ignore.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 03 Jan 24 - 08:57 AM

No regrets, Don.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Donuel
Date: 03 Jan 24 - 09:06 AM

You can't ignore, can you?

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 03 Jan 24 - 09:09 AM

Not when some attention addict continues to muck up threads.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Jan 24 - 09:47 AM

"The tempest in Steve's teacup is as poisonous as ever."

I started this in the hope of our having a nice, lighthearted thread. Most of the input, yet none of yours, has been in that spirit. So let me just say that I find that sentence to be ever so slightly, er, odd...

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Donuel
Date: 03 Jan 24 - 09:52 AM

I forgive your lies. Most of my content is not mine and has no ego attachment to it. Most of your posts are responses without content but the little content you provide is fairly good.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Jan 24 - 10:11 AM

Anyway, back to the substantive!

I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them.

Suppose there were no hypothetical questions...?

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 03 Jan 24 - 10:32 AM

There is only 2 things I hate. Racial prejudice and Belgians...

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 03 Jan 24 - 11:16 AM

Early to bed and early to rise,
A true indication of social demise.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Black belt caterpillar wrestler
Date: 03 Jan 24 - 11:17 AM

Why is there no alternative word for thesarus?

Robin

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Jan 24 - 11:47 AM

Stupidity is not a crime so the politician is free to go.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 04 Jan 24 - 12:11 PM

I thought the Thesaurus was kaput after the K-P extinction event.

I'll get me...

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 04 Jan 24 - 01:02 PM

...than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 04 Jan 24 - 02:06 PM

Be careful not to speak clearer than you think.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 05 Jan 24 - 02:56 AM

Money can't buy happiness but it can make misery a lot more comfortable

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 05 Jan 24 - 06:06 AM

"Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t after you."
-Joseph Heller

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 05 Jan 24 - 06:11 AM

Seen on a wall over a urinal-
Don't look up here, the joke is in your hand.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jan 24 - 07:56 AM

Going for a wee: I'm just off to shake hands with the wife's best friend. Or, less optimistically, off to shake hands with the unemployed.

Or, to show off when cheek by jowl with another bloke in the gents, "Jeez, this porcelain's cold..."

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 Jan 24 - 10:23 AM

Mom always wondered why Going Out (with someone) was a euphemism for Sleeping With. Don't they Stay In to do that?

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: meself
Date: 05 Jan 24 - 06:33 PM

I always wondered why 'sleeping with' was a euphemism for fornication. I remember in my younger years reading of a woman who, reportedly, had 'once slept with twenty-six members of a bike gang'. I don't know about you, but the mental image that gives me is of a really, really wide bed, with her in the middle, and approximately thirteen hairy-and-scary brutes on each side of her, snoring peacefully ....

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 Jan 24 - 07:41 PM

That's the After picture.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 06 Jan 24 - 04:10 AM

Mom always wondered why Going Out (with someone) was a euphemism for Sleeping With.

That may have been more in Mom's mind than in fact. It's not just beauty that is in the eye of the beholder.

For me, 'going out' signifies dating. They could be have having a sexual relationship but, on the other hand, the young lady may be preserving her modesty for her wedding night.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Rain Dog
Date: 06 Jan 24 - 04:24 AM

I once heard the expression "Does anyone go near you at all?" When theg were asking someone if they were dating anyone?

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Jan 24 - 04:34 AM

Another euphemism for indulging in an intimate relationship was "carrying on" when I lived oop north.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 06 Jan 24 - 04:54 AM

"Carrying on" had the implication of an illicit, extra-marital relationship where I came from.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 06 Jan 24 - 05:16 AM

Getting back to the witticisms:-

“English can be weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.”

Anonymous (unless anyone knows better!)

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Thompson
Date: 10 Jan 24 - 05:23 PM

In Ireland we generally have either very tall presidents or very tiny presidents. One of the tiny ones was Sean T O'Kelly, universally known as Seán T, who also had a very tall wife. One day he was given the honour of throwing in the ball at the All-Ireland Hurling Final. As the crowd fell reverently silent, one shouted, "Cut the grass, we can't see the President!"

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: meself
Date: 12 Jan 24 - 11:55 AM

Along the same lines:

A local personage of some considerable girth was MCing a concert. He approached the microphone to begin the proceedings, as a friend of mine had his head turned, talking away to his neighbour. The sizable MC said, "Ken, do you mind? We want to get started." Ken turned and said, "Oh, sorry - I couldn't see you there behind the mike-stand!"

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: The Sandman
Date: 12 Jan 24 - 12:02 PM

Response to a heckler "when they circumsised you they thew away the wrong bit" attributed to Joe Stead

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 12 Jan 24 - 01:39 PM

I was reminded of a cartoon. Three women standing. One says, And this is my significant mother.

Freudian slip:
When you mean to say one thing and accidentally say your mother.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 13 Jan 24 - 03:20 AM

I'm pinching the weird English one, Doug :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 13 Jan 24 - 06:50 PM

Then there is this…

The King’s English

    Anonymous

I take it you already know
Of tough and bough and cough and dough?

Others may stumble, but not you,
On hiccough, thorough, slough and through.

Beware of heard, a dreadful word,
That looks like beard but sounds like bird.

And dead: It’s said like bed, not bead --
For goodness’ sake, don’t call it deed!

Watch out for meat and great and threat…
They rhyme with suite and straight and debt.

A moth is not the moth in mother,
Nor both in bother, nor broth in brother.

And here is not a match for there,
Nor dear and fear for bear and pear,

And then there’s dose and rose and lose --
Just look them up -- and goose and choose.

And cork and work and card and ward,
And font and front and word and sword.

And do and go, then thwart and cart,
Come, come, I’ve hardly made a start!

A dreadful language? Sakes alive!
I’d mastered it when I was five.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Reinhard
Date: 17 Jan 24 - 01:46 AM

Very nice, Mrrzy! But then there's also

THE CHAOS

Dr. Gerard Nolst Trenité
(Netherlands, 1870-1946)

Dearest creature in creation
Studying English pronunciation,

    I will teach you in my verse
    Sounds like corpse, corps, horse and worse.

I will keep you, Susy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy;1

    Tear in eye, your dress you'll tear;
    Queer, fair seer, hear my prayer.

Pray, console your loving poet,
Make my coat look new, dear, sew it!

    Just compare heart, hear and heard,
    Dies and diet, lord and word.

Sword and sward, retain and Britain
(Mind the latter how it's written).

    Made has not the sound of bade,
    Say - said, pay - paid, laid but plaid.

Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as vague and ague,

    But be careful how you speak,
    Say: gush, bush, steak, streak, break, bleak,

Previous, precious, fuchsia, via
Recipe, pipe, studding-sail, choir;

    Woven, oven, how and low,
    Script, receipt, shoe, poem, toe.

Say, expecting fraud and trickery:
Daughter, laughter and Terpsichore,

    Branch, ranch, measles, topsails, aisles,
    Missiles, similes, reviles.

Wholly, holly, signal, signing,
Same, examining, but mining,

    Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
    Solar, mica, war and far.

From "desire": desirable - admirable from "admire",
Lumber, plumber, bier, but brier,

    Topsham, brougham, renown, but known,
    Knowledge, done, lone, gone, none, tone,

One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel.

    Gertrude, German, wind and wind,
    Beau, kind, kindred, queue, mankind,

Tortoise, turquoise, chamois-leather,
Reading, Reading, heathen, heather.

    This phonetic labyrinth
    Gives moss, gross, brook, brooch, ninth, plinth.

Have you ever yet endeavoured
To pronounce revered and severed,

    Demon, lemon, ghoul, foul, soul,
    Peter, petrol and patrol?

Billet does not end like ballet;
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.

    Blood and flood are not like food,
    Nor is mould like should and would.

Banquet is not nearly parquet,
Which exactly rhymes with khaki.

    Discount, viscount, load and broad,
    Toward, to forward, to reward,

Ricocheted and crocheting, croquet?
Right! Your pronunciation's OK.

    Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
    Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Is your R correct in higher?
Keats asserts it rhymes with Thalia.

    Hugh, but hug, and hood, but hoot,
    Buoyant, minute, but minute.

Say abscission with precision,
Now: position and transition;

    Would it tally with my rhyme
    If I mentioned paradigm?

Twopence, threepence, tease are easy,
But cease, crease, grease and greasy?

    Cornice, nice, valise, revise,
    Rabies, but lullabies.

Of such puzzling words as nauseous,
Rhyming well with cautious, tortious,

    You'll envelop lists, I hope,
    In a linen envelope.

Would you like some more? You'll have it!
Affidavit, David, davit.

    To abjure, to perjure. Sheik
    Does not sound like Czech but ache.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, loch, moustache, eleven.

    We say hallowed, but allowed,
    People, leopard, towed but vowed.

Mark the difference, moreover,
Between mover, plover, Dover.

    Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
    Chalice, but police and lice,

Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.

    Petal, penal, and canal,
    Wait, surmise, plait, promise, pal,

Suit, suite, ruin. Circuit, conduit
Rhyme with "shirk it" and "beyond it",

    But it is not hard to tell
    Why it's pall, mall, but Pall Mall.

Muscle, muscular, gaol, iron,
Timber, climber, bullion, lion,

    Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
    Senator, spectator, mayor,

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
Has the A of drachm and hammer.

    Pussy, hussy and possess,
    Desert, but desert, address.

Golf, wolf, countenance, lieutenants
Hoist in lieu of flags left pennants.

    Courier, courtier, tomb, bomb, comb,
    Cow, but Cowper, some and home.

"Solder, soldier! Blood is thicker",
Quoth he, "than liqueur or liquor",

    Making, it is sad but true,
    In bravado, much ado.

Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.

    Pilot, pivot, gaunt, but aunt,
    Font, front, wont, want, grand and grant.

Arsenic, specific, scenic,
Relic, rhetoric, hygienic.

    Gooseberry, goose, and close, but close,
    Paradise, rise, rose, and dose.

Say inveigh, neigh, but inveigle,
Make the latter rhyme with eagle.

    Mind! Meandering but mean,
    Valentine and magazine.

And I bet you, dear, a penny,
You say mani-(fold) like many,

    Which is wrong. Say rapier, pier,
    Tier (one who ties), but tier.

Arch, archangel; pray, does erring
Rhyme with herring or with stirring?

    Prison, bison, treasure trove,
    Treason, hover, cover, cove,

Perseverance, severance. Ribald
Rhymes (but piebald doesn't) with nibbled.

    Phaeton, paean, gnat, ghat, gnaw,
    Lien, psychic, shone, bone, pshaw.

Don't be down, my own, but rough it,
And distinguish buffet, buffet;

    Brood, stood, roof, rook, school, wool, boon,
    Worcester, Boleyn, to impugn.

Say in sounds correct and sterling
Hearse, hear, hearken, year and yearling.

    Evil, devil, mezzotint,
    Mind the z! (A gentle hint.)

Now you need not pay attention
To such sounds as I don't mention,

    Sounds like pores, pause, pours and paws,
    Rhyming with the pronoun yours;

Nor are proper names included,
Though I often heard, as you did,

    Funny rhymes to unicorn,
    Yes, you know them, Vaughan and Strachan.

No, my maiden, coy and comely,
I don't want to speak of Cholmondeley.

    No. Yet Froude compared with proud
    Is no better than McLeod.

But mind trivial and vial,
Tripod, menial, denial,

    Troll and trolley, realm and ream,
    Schedule, mischief, schism, and scheme.

Argil, gill, Argyll, gill. Surely
May be made to rhyme with Raleigh,

    But you're not supposed to say
    Piquet rhymes with sobriquet.

Had this invalid invalid
Worthless documents? How pallid,

    How uncouth he, couchant, looked,
    When for Portsmouth I had booked!

Zeus, Thebes, Thales, Aphrodite,
Paramour, enamoured, flighty,

    Episodes, antipodes,
    Acquiesce, and obsequies.

Please don't monkey with the geyser,
Don't peel 'taters with my razor,

    Rather say in accents pure:
    Nature, stature and mature.

Pious, impious, limb, climb, glumly,
Worsted, worsted, crumbly, dumbly,

    Conquer, conquest, vase, phase, fan,
    Wan, sedan and artisan.

The TH will surely trouble you
More than R, CH or W.

    Say then these phonetic gems:
    Thomas, thyme, Theresa, Thames.

Thompson, Chatham, Waltham, Streatham,
There are more but I forget 'em -

    Wait! I've got it: Anthony,
    Lighten your anxiety.

The archaic word albeit
Does not rhyme with eight - you see it;

    With and forthwith, one has voice,
    One has not, you make your choice.

Shoes, goes, does. Now first say: finger;
Then say: singer, ginger, linger.

    Real, zeal, mauve, gauze and gauge,
    Marriage, foliage, mirage, age,

Hero, heron, query, very,
Parry, tarry, fury, bury,

    Dost, lost, post, and doth, cloth, loth,
    Job, Job, blossom, bosom, oath.

Faugh, oppugnant, keen oppugners,
Bowing, bowing, banjo-tuners

    Holm you know, but noes, canoes,
    Puisne, truism, use, to use?

Though the difference seems little,
We say actual, but victual,

    Seat, sweat, chaste, caste, Leigh, eight, height,
    Put, nut, granite, and unite

Reefer does not rhyme with deafer,
Feoffer does, and zephyr, heifer.

    Dull, bull, Geoffrey, George, ate, late,
    Hint, pint, senate, but sedate.

Gaelic, Arabic, pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific;

    Tour, but our, dour, succour, four,
    Gas, alas, and Arkansas.

Say manoeuvre, yacht and vomit,
Next omit, which differs from it

    Bona fide, alibi
    Gyrate, dowry and awry.

Sea, idea, guinea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.

    Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean,
    Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion with battalion,

    Rally with ally; yea, ye,
    Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, key, quay!

Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, receiver.

    Never guess - it is not safe,
    We say calves, valves, half, but Ralf.

Starry, granary, canary,
Crevice, but device, and eyrie,

    Face, but preface, then grimace,
    Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.

Bass, large, target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, oust, joust, and scour, but scourging;

    Ear, but earn; and ere and tear
    Do not rhyme with here but heir.

Mind the O of off and often
Which may be pronounced as orphan,

    With the sound of saw and sauce;
    Also soft, lost, cloth and cross.

Pudding, puddle, putting. Putting?
Yes: at golf it rhymes with shutting.

    Respite, spite, consent, resent.
    Liable, but Parliament.

Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew, Stephen,

    Monkey, donkey, clerk and jerk,
    Asp, grasp, wasp, demesne, cork, work.

A of valour, vapid, vapour,
S of news (compare newspaper),

    G of gibbet, gibbon, gist,
    I of antichrist and grist,

Differ like diverse and divers,
Rivers, strivers, shivers, fivers.

    Once, but nonce, toll, doll, but roll,
    Polish, Polish, poll and poll.

Pronunciation - think of Psyche! -
Is a paling, stout and spiky.

    Won't it make you lose your wits
    Writing groats and saying 'grits'?

It's a dark abyss or tunnel
Strewn with stones like rowlock, gunwale,

    Islington, and Isle of Wight,
    Housewife, verdict and indict.

Don't you think so, reader, rather,
Saying lather, bather, father?

    Finally, which rhymes with enough,
    Though, through, bough, cough, hough, sough, tough??

Hiccough has the sound of sup...
My advice is: GIVE IT UP!

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 19 Jan 24 - 01:23 PM

Tops!

I am reminded of someone re:Pirates of Penzance, wondering whether it was that the Brits couldn't spell Rafe, or that they couldn't pronounce Ralph.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: BobL
Date: 21 Jan 24 - 06:44 AM

English is a bastard language, its strange pronunciations & spellings inherited from many different tongues. Curiously it's the USA, the melting pot of the world, which felt a need to standardize. Hence:

Wagner: the German "varg" became "wag".
Warwick: the English "worrick" became "war-wick".
Lockheed: the Irish "Lough Head" would have become "log-head", so they changed the spelling.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Jan 24 - 07:34 AM

I have never heard the wag version of 'Vagner' the composer.
I do hear people dropping the ing for in and dropping the d at the end of a word or saying axe instead of ask.

Americans pronounce the er at the end of a word while some English turn it into a soft a. These are more like language pet peeves than witticisms.

The thing about English is that it is the official language of the sky and is spoken by all professional pilots when flying. You just can't say Mayday unless you are in a life-and-death situation.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 21 Jan 24 - 04:32 PM

I queastion "Irish "Lough Head" would have become "log-head", so they changed the spelling" ... Isn't it more likely they simply (mis)spelled Lough Head [pronounced in Irish] phonetically? That's why Wooster, Mass, etc...

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: meself
Date: 21 Jan 24 - 08:56 PM

' it's the USA, the melting pot of the world, which felt a need to standardize. Hence:

Wagner: the German "varg" became "wag".
Warwick: the English "worrick" became "war-wick".'

Seems to me it's nothing to do with "a need to standardize"; it's just pronouncing names the way they are spelled - you know, because you're a simple peasant who's never heard one of their betters say, "Varg(?)ner" or "Worrick".

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Jan 24 - 10:28 PM

Right.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Thompson
Date: 03 Feb 24 - 03:59 AM

Rafe/Ralph - someone who was an ace observer of English class consciousness told me many years ago that "Rafe" was a gutty pronunciation regarded with distaste by the Nancy Mitford types (who also, apparently regarded their royal family as rather infra dig).

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 03 Feb 24 - 07:48 AM

Isn't there a language thread open for the peevish.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: meself
Date: 03 Feb 24 - 03:04 PM

Not a witticism nor a criticism, just an observation: as a North American, I suppose, I have no idea of the meaning of that post just made by Thompson. Divided by one language, and all that.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: meself
Date: 03 Feb 24 - 03:05 PM

"a common language", that is ....

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 03 Feb 24 - 05:19 PM

... regarded with distaste by the Nancy Mitford types ...

Talking of Nancy Mitford, let's get back to the witticisms:-



“I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.”
- Nancy Mitford

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: The Sandman
Date: 03 Feb 24 - 05:33 PM

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. Groucho Marx

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: The Sandman
Date: 04 Feb 24 - 11:00 AM

Theodore Roosevelt. "I am an American; free born and free bred, where I acknowledge no man as my superior, except for his own worth, or as my inferior, except for his own demerit."