BS: Joke thread for 2024

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Apr 24 - 10:52 AM

The autocrat has ordered you to shun. The shun shines on he.

I started a joke which started the whole world crying
But I didn't see that the joke was on me oh no
I started to cry which started the whole world laughing
Oh If I'd only seen that the joke was on me
I looked at the skies running my hands over my eyes
And I fell out of bed hurting my head from things that I said
'Till I finally died which started the whole world living
Oh if I'd only seen that the joke was on me

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 18 Apr 24 - 09:22 AM

Dave, in case you're unaware you're now acting as a surrogate for an abusive former member in a spat with a current member. There's a reason we have a separate B.S. section. That's all I've got to say on this subject.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 18 Apr 24 - 09:10 AM

I'm just cutting and pasting from a named source, gillymor. If I just stop naming my source, like everyone else, is that any better?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 18 Apr 24 - 08:49 AM

This is getting creepy. Perhaps we should stick to jokes from real members.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 18 Apr 24 - 08:24 AM

My reply

Splattered doesn't rhyme with bastard...

Maybe

When hot oil spat
He screamed like a twat

Steve's reply

Donuel's Mudcat "jokes" are no fun
Not amusing at all, not one
Can't roll on the floor
Please, Donuel, no more
Or this thread every member must shun

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Apr 24 - 07:27 PM

There was an old man from Bude
who frequently cooked in the nude
When hot oil splattered
he screamed like a bastard
and behaved entirely rude.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Apr 24 - 06:31 PM

Don't let the door slam, Doug. Talking of which

Teenager: "And another thing - JIM MORRISON SUCKS!"

Dad: "Hey! There'll be no slamming of the Doors in this house!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 17 Apr 24 - 05:40 PM

I give up! I'm done with the Joke thread, at least for this year. Maybe I will look back in when it becomes the Joke thread for 2025 to see if people can behave like adults.

Carry on your petty squabbling, kiddywinks.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Apr 24 - 02:05 PM

And from the hand of George Bernard...

Oh no, hang on, it may be another Shaw :-D

Donuel attempted a joke
But there is no helping the bloke
His efforts are tasteless
Incredibly baseless
Somebody get him his cloak

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Apr 24 - 01:28 PM

A bloke called Don on Mudcat
Just couldn't get where it's at
He failed at some jokes
So he just had some tokes
And all over the forum he shat

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 17 Apr 24 - 08:57 AM

That is some lame stuff, Don.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Apr 24 - 08:25 AM

Amazon Tesla and Shell
made a worldwide pussy cartel
with planned obsolescence
and controlled detumescence
Poor men could not get a smell

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 16 Apr 24 - 05:08 AM

The teenage girl arrived home to tell her mother she had been 'graped'. Her mother said 'Don't you mean raped love'? She said no...there was a bunch of them.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 16 Apr 24 - 03:05 AM

Probably told by Jim Davidson or Bernard Manning, Joe. Along with Irish and Black jokes. I think most of us are an age where we remember them and probably used to indulge but they are best left in the past.

I now prefer chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Joe_F
Date: 15 Apr 24 - 10:01 PM

There are, or used to be, jokes based on the notion that women want to be raped. I will give an example if people insist.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 15 Apr 24 - 11:14 AM

Jesus wept...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Apr 24 - 09:58 AM

Rape jokes? I suppose all is fair in humor since it is the context and not the word's evil meaning. There are odd eggs who think rape is worse than murder. I know people who have recovered from rape, but murder?
There is a rumor that only one ancient Jew managed to recover from murder.

Besides if you try to switch rape and murder/kill it doesn't work. For example, the song Raping me Softly is awkward. Or the movies Rape Bill one and two, or the book To Rape a Mockingbird.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 15 Apr 24 - 05:47 AM

Reminds me of the shrink who claimed to be both an analyst and a therapist. You can imagine the portmanteau on his business card.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 15 Apr 24 - 03:54 AM

One of my favourites, Doug :-)

Psychotherapist moves into a new office and asks for his profession to be painted on the door so people can find him. The sign writer tries his best but finds it difficult to put such a long word in a small space so he decides to split it up

Psycho
The
Rapist

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 15 Apr 24 - 03:32 AM

{{{Sigh}}} ! I used to enjoy the joke threads. I wish people would just ignore the things that they don't find funny.

Getting back on track:-


A guy is hitch hiking but not meeting with much success. Eventually a car pulls up and he jumps in.

"Thanks for picking me up" he said. "Not many people want to give rides theses days. It's understandable, I suppose. I mean, after all, how do you know I'm not a serial killer?"

The driver looked at him and replied "What are the chances of two strangers being the same car and both of them being serial killers?"


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 15 Apr 24 - 03:26 AM

Don goes to the library and asks for a book by Shakespeare

Certainly sir, which one?

William...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 15 Apr 24 - 03:04 AM

I'll never understand why some people are allowed to shit all over anyone else's threads while others are not allowed to post. I suspect Don either has some sinister hold on the Mudcat or is really Trump. Still, ours is not to reason why...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 14 Apr 24 - 06:29 PM

He's here for trolling, not for jokes.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Manitas_at_home
Date: 14 Apr 24 - 06:02 PM

Grief, you really don't understand jokes do you ?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Apr 24 - 02:34 PM

You poor dear, you see Stormy Daniels is the 'glove'.

In Steve's joke, forensics finding the chemical signature of Melania's lipstick is better science than phoney handwriting experts.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 14 Apr 24 - 02:06 PM

Is that supposed to be a joke?

Trump strolls out of the White House one snowy morning to find that someone has written, in piss, "Trump is a bastard" in the snow. Enraged, he orders his security team to investigate.

Later:

"Well, sir, the urine sample matches the DNA of Mike Pence. But that isn't all, sir..."

"Whaddya mean?"

"Well, sir, the handwriting is Melania's..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Apr 24 - 02:04 PM

cut and pasted...

The Trump trial will be a first but it is the OPPOSITE in every way to the OJ Simpson trial.

The Trump trial will not be televised.
OJ was televised and watched by millions.
OJ was an athlete, Trump needs a golf cart.
The Trump motorcade is preceded by police vehicles.
OJ's Bronco was followed by police vehicles.
OJ had the best lawyers in the country.
Trump has legal mouthpieces.
The Trump trial involves his dick
The OJ trial involved a knife.
Trump is MAGA white racist.
OJ was so black they redecorated his house 'white' for the trial.
For OJ if it didn't fit you must acquit.
For Trump one size fits all.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 14 Apr 24 - 07:37 AM

I think all the jokes on here are C&P'd unless there is an original joke writer amongst us. Don is closest I suppose but while his may be original, they certainly aren't jokes :-D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 14 Apr 24 - 07:13 AM

Just an observation, Dave.

Your joke reminds me of another note found on a wind shield-

"I've just run into your car, people are milling about. They think I'm writing down my contact information. They are wrong."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 14 Apr 24 - 03:32 AM

Is that supposed to be a joke gillymor? It's as bad as one of Don's!

Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said ‘Parking Fine.’, so that was nice.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 13 Apr 24 - 10:50 AM

Now the banished Shaw seems to have 2 surrogates acting on his behalf here.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 13 Apr 24 - 08:38 AM

That is an exact cut and paste from my cut and paste to the Trump thread on 10 Apr 24 - 07:14 AM!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 13 Apr 24 - 06:26 AM

Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a pig ran in front of the car.

The pig was killed.

The President told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in total disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.

“What happened?” asked the President.

“Well,” the driver replied, “the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me.”

“My God, what did you tell them?” asked the President.

The driver replied: “I just said I was Donald Trump’s driver, and I just killed the pig.”

another Steve

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 12 Apr 24 - 05:05 AM

I always called my ex wife 'treasure'.....for two reasons really... the first because when we got together, all my mates asked where had I dug her up....the second...because she had a sunken chest.

When my ex wife asked me for an example of innuendo...I gave her one!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 12 Apr 24 - 04:07 AM

I think Steve has been inspired by the stolen Jesus thread :-)

Jesus, Moses, and an old man were playing golf. Jesus teed off and hit his ball which went right into the pond. Disgusted, he walked on the water, reached down, grabbed his ball, and went to the next hole. Moses hit his ball which also went right into the pond. He parted the water, grabbed his ball, and went to the next hole. The old man hit his ball right at the pond but, before the ball hit the water, a fish jumped out and caught the ball, and before the fish could fall back in the water a huge eagle swooped down and snatched it out of midair. As the eagle flew over the putting green, it dropped the fish and the ball flew out of the fish's mouth and rolled into the hole.

Jesus looked at the old man and said “Nice going dad. Now can we please stop messing around and just play golf?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 11 Apr 24 - 01:18 PM

I was talking to a bloke that said he was a famous pop star in the 80s. I told him that he may be mistaken but he was adamant

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 11 Apr 24 - 11:33 AM

Bit of my own. Well, Stephen Fry really but I repeated it :-)

I was taking a stroll through the meadows when I stopped and bent down to inspect a flower

"What are you doing?" asked my friend

"Picking a buttercup" I replied

"Who on earth would leave a buttock lying in a meadow..?"

Now back to the main show...

A bloke is trying to chat up a lovely young woman he's just met in a bar.

"Have you ever seen a penis?" he asked her, ever so subtly.

"A penis? What word is that?? Never heard of it!"

Well come back to my place and I'll show you mine!"

So they go back to his place and he, er, whips out his willy.    "So what do you think?"

"Ah, so that's a penis then!" she replied. "It's just like a dick, but a lot smaller!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 10 Apr 24 - 07:15 AM

...and another :-D

An old lady offers the bus driver a handful peanuts. He thanks her and happily munches away.

After a few minutes she gives him another handful of peanuts. This happens several times.

Eventually, the driver asks her why she doesn't eat them herself.

"Well," she says, "I can't chew. Look, I have no teeth..."

"Then why do you buy
them?" asks the driver.

"Oh, I just love sucking the
chocolate off the outsides."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 07 Apr 24 - 06:59 AM

Another Steve one :-)

Bloke went to confession and told the priest that he'd shagged Fanny Green twice in a week.

"Three Hail Marys, my son, and behave from now on."

A while later another bloke confessed to the priest that he'd shagged Fanny Green four times in a week.

"Bejaysus, son, ten Hail Marys and ten Glory Bes for you, and from now on keep your trousers up."

That Sunday at the start of Mass, a tall, elegant woman with a very short skirt and emerald green high heels sat on the front pew with her legs slightly apart. The priest whispered to the altar boy, "Is that Fanny Green?"

"No, Father, it's just the reflection from her shoes..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 07 Apr 24 - 06:53 AM

My ex wife once said to me 'I am brilliant at multi tasking' I told her to sit down and shut up....but she couldn't do either!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 06 Apr 24 - 06:17 PM

Left out "night", jeesh.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 06 Apr 24 - 06:07 PM

My wife likes to talk during sex, last she called me from a hotel.- Rodney Dangerfield

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 06 Apr 24 - 06:47 AM

One from Steve :-)

An old boy and his missus had lived a very long and healthy life, thanks to her obsession with a carefully balanced diet, plenty of exercise and moderation in all things. But at the age of 95 they died in an air crash and were met at the pearly gates by St Peter.

"Well, you've lived perfect lives and you can come straight in. You can do whatever you like in here - eat, drink as much as you like, play golf all day on our heavenly golf course, watch films all day in our luxury cinema - anything at all, no medical or any other consequences, you won't get fat and it's all perfectly free for evermore!"

"What, no restrictions at all?" asked the old boy.

"None whatsoever! The perfect life for all eternity!"

The old boy turned to his missus and said angrily, "We could have been here thirty years ago, Doris. You and your bloody Bran Flakes..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 05 Apr 24 - 08:45 AM

Heard on The Daily Show, under the heading TRUMP SELLS BIBLES:

Trump getting into business with God can only mean one thing. God is going to end up bankrupt and serving a 3 month prison sentence for lying under oath.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy
Date: 01 Apr 24 - 10:52 AM

Tasers, too...

Stealing the bobbin one!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 31 Mar 24 - 05:08 AM

What is the difference between a magic wand and a Police officers night stick~?      The magic wand is for cunning stunts!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Bill D
Date: 30 Mar 24 - 02:00 PM

That reminds me of:

Whats the difference between a sewing machine and a woman running down the street?


A sewing machine only has one bobbin.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 30 Mar 24 - 12:36 PM

:-D I'm pinching that

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy
Date: 30 Mar 24 - 11:39 AM

What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?

A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist just looks up the bush.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 29 Mar 24 - 02:28 PM

My wife said that I needed a new password for a shopping website. I said, "How's about 'Mypenis'?"

A couple of minutes later she came back in the room and said that the message from the website was "Too short. Choose something longer."