Subject: RE: The Hell of Worship - pitfalls of church music
From:
wysiwyg
Date: 07 Jun 04 - 01:04 PM
Tantrums. From people in adult bodies.
Rehearsals can be real fun (not)..... We've had two different people storm out when the tantrum they threw in rehearsal was not received as they thought it should be. We're human, and we all have feelings we bring to the experience, but the band is there to minister to people coming to the service, primarily by the music we offer; we are NOT there for opportunities to act out, or for giving each other therapy.
The first time, it was a then-regular band member whose meds and family situation kinda boiled over. He first picked a fight with the Missus who was there watching the rehearsal. When we asked them to stop because people were about to arrive for the service, she was able to quiet herself, but he only escalated and then flounced out muttering dire upset. We just let him go. (Later he apologized after taking a break from the band for awhile, he's been able to participate positively most of the times he's come.)
That night, we decided as a band that behavior like that is simply not acceptable. So the second time this happened (it was one of many beginner players we've invited to sit in for rehearsal and/or the service), we saw it for what it was and didn't put up with it.
We have not had this problem with any other beginners, or any performing pro's who sit in when they visit us, either. Generally, people have appreciated the opportunity to learn something when they sit in, as we appreciate learning from them.
These experiences led to a lot of reflection among band members. For awhile we considered not being open to non-members sitting in. But we concluded that the problem wasn't with the sitting-in aspect. IMO it has more to do with maturity, and lacking a shared sense of why we are there.
Several months later, one of our regular members got mad about some news he heard during rehearsal, just before we were to leave to go do a set in a big community concert. We all kept our lips zipped as he blew up and then subsided, and he was able to get his feelings settled down. He soon apologized for the disruption.
Because of what we had learned from the two earlier experiences, the rest of us waited out the upset instead of jumping in on it to argue it or try to fix it. I was grateful the situation didn't escalate to the point that we had to decide whether he should be asked to skip that gig. The reason why it didn't was because he took responsibility for his upset and didn't push it off on us.
More recently, our old regular returned and was once again very much on the edge with med changes. That night it got a little dicey at times, not only musically but in his conversation with parishioners present. Frankly, some people got scared.
He had said, however, as he arrived, "I dunno if I should be here tonight." I looked him square in the eye and said, "Let's see how it goes and I'll let you know, OK?" He gratefully agreed. When he got out of line I asked him to settle down and he was able to.
The following week he had stabilized, and he asked me how bad it had been the week before. I was honest and he appreciated it. There was a general consensus that as his friend and as the band's director, I have last call on whether he's in shape to play or might be asked to sit in the pew and let us minister to him.
As a band, we do minister to one another, and we do share how our day has gone-- how major life situations are progressing, what we need from each other. But we don't hold each other up for ransom: "Treat me like THIS or I won't play or be nice." And once the rehearsal gets moving, we focus on the music and the spiritual experience.
Also, once the people start to arrive, out focus is on paying attention to them, not receiving their attention or being drawn into an extended, intense personal conversation.... we are also the greeters as people arrive, due to our being good at it and because we play from the place where they come in (no accident). So if we don't keep the right focus, the whole atmosphere is affected. Oh, I'm not saying people arriving don't inquire as to how we are, ourselves; but it's not a time when they should be met with a needy person longing to tell them the Whole Story of the week, nor is it appropriate for us to give all of our time and attention to a needy person longing to tell US the Whole Story of their week.
It's a fine line, leading this band with church members as volunteers. To a certain extent, I'm a volunteer too, but as the pastor's wife I face innumerable unarticulated (and often conflicting) expectations. It can be hard to know how to respond to these, especially when people want a more personal relationship (positive or negative) than are appropriate within pastoral boundaries. Sometimes it affects my willingness to volunteer, myself.
Over time, what I have learned is that people who can be responsible for themselves can go with the flow, and that people who can't, can't, and once they make that clear, they should not be expected to join our band. I have learned that to know this ahead of time, or to even try to please them, I would have to be a mindreader... that what they really want is help only Jesus can give them.... and that whatever shape I may be in on any given day, I ain't Him.
A decision we made most recently was to close rehearsals. Some people have been coming earlier and earlier before the service, so we've concluded that since there is no after-service fellowship hour, we'll designate a room for pre-service fellowship that needs to go beyond the 10-15 minutes immediately before the service when people visit pew-to-pew as they arrive and welcome one another. Because it isn't working for it to occur while we are trying to learn new material or work out arrangements, and there simply isn't any other time we can get together. We'll cover it in announcements at the upcoming service, hopefully as new good news-- not as "don't come early" news.
~Susan
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sj
