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BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Liz the Squeak Date: 19 Dec 02 - 05:08 PM Hey ducky, was there something you wanted? LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Noreen Date: 19 Dec 02 - 05:22 PM mmmmf |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Morticia Date: 19 Dec 02 - 05:50 PM no wonder there's fur in my gin and tonic.... |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Liz the Squeak Date: 19 Dec 02 - 05:55 PM Damn... that's where the merkin went.... Unless lemons are supposed to squeak??? LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Noreen Date: 19 Dec 02 - 06:06 PM ....but .... the nails were all used to mend the hole in the roof!! mmmmmf |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Yorkshire Tony Date: 19 Dec 02 - 06:38 PM Having tested the lutefisk, Camo pulls a disgusted face and returns to the Aurochs and Baileys. She will try most things once but now undestands why Norwegians only eat it once a year. Tony is still trying to attract a Swedish maiden by holding his nose and washing the lutfisk down with aquavit. He generously offers to share with Silly River Sage, then tries forcefeeding the stuff to the immobilised duck. Liz's merkin comes to rest behind the bar on a lemon where a short sighted lemming attempts to mate with it. What was it I read about lemon juice as a contraceptive? Is a whole lemon even more effective? |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Rustic Rebel Date: 19 Dec 02 - 06:48 PM Yeah,if your getting it on with the lemon. I don't think you could cross-breed. If we could Tony would that make you a lemon pop? |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: MMario Date: 19 Dec 02 - 06:56 PM ACK! I was going to use them to garnish the glogg! |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: SINSULL Date: 19 Dec 02 - 06:56 PM Aflac...Aflac!!! AFLACCCCCCC!!!!!!! And with this the duck dislodges the nails, files a workman's comp claim and returns to the bar asking... |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Gareth Date: 19 Dec 02 - 07:05 PM The inflatable sheep, now fully errect after the , Ahem, Blow job bounces up to the bar :- " A pint of Olde Sheep Dip for myself, and 15 gallons of Brains S.A. for my butties in the Aberflyhalf RFC, oh yes and a sprinkling of of termites for my friend the duck, yes the one wot is imitating the hedgehog on the motorway. " Mmario points out that pressed duck is supposed to be a delicacy. "Only 15 gallons 'Ewe", exclaim the RFC, "We brought along the linesman and Moira the Rugby Groupy as well !". "OK then", bleats the inflatable Sheep, " make it 17 gallons, and be sure they are imperial measure not American !" The bar goes quiet, 17 imp' gallons, well thats 136 imperial pints, it takes a long time to pull, even in a virtual Tavern. "Now lads !", the sheep explains, "Lets have a good old South Welsh Song, and I'll bleat the time !!" And Moira, the Rugby Groupy {She likes men who play with odd shaped balls} leads off with that old classic (Moira)If I, Sir, was the marrying kind, (Omnes) And thank the Lord your not Ma'am ! (M)The type of man that I would wed, Would be a Mudcat poster ! (Omnes) For he'd log in, and he'd log out, And we would both log in together, We'd be alright in the middle of the night, Logging in together !!" This continues for several hundred more verses - No wonder they need 8 pints of S.A. a head to continue singing. Surprisingly the Morris men are silent, possibly contemplating the sheep surrounding the Brown Jug at Upchurch, and the Ship Ashore at Hollow Shore. And the fact that the Sea Wall at Hollow Shore don't allow the woolleybacks any roon to run away!!. Gareth |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Cluin Date: 19 Dec 02 - 07:22 PM ... returns to the bar asking: "Where'd you get the nail?" "We already had some here," the barkeep shrugs. "There's one old bugger comes in here who insists on a real rusty nail in his Rusty Nail. I'd suggest you bugger off now and get a tetanus jab." |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Noreen Date: 19 Dec 02 - 07:42 PM I've suffered enough for this, got to finish it..."Got'ny bread?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Cluin Date: 19 Dec 02 - 07:45 PM Barkeep flips the duck a coin. "Hit the road!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Noreen Date: 19 Dec 02 - 08:08 PM Is there a doctor in the house? Or the lovely Avocado Kween hersailf? There's a little anthropomorphic avian from the wilds of West licquorice-ridden Yorkshire who desires your presence, your madgestiness... |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Cluin Date: 19 Dec 02 - 08:49 PM (Wow! You must be psychic) *SNAP* The barkeep smacks himself on the forehead. "Damn! What was I thinking? We have bread!" He hauls a loaf of sliced bread out from below, slaps it down on the bar and rips the bag open. "YES! Yes! Yes, we have bread! I got your fornicating bread, right here. C'mere, duck!" With that, he reaches out and grabs the stubborn duck and shoves its head under his armpit. One hand pulls the duck's legs aside and the other begins shoving handfuls of bread up the duck's ass. *stuff* *stuff* *stuff* "We got bread. Sure, we got lotsa bread. GREAT bread! Best bread in the world!" *stuff* *stuff* *stuff* "Here Ducky, have s'more. Oh yeah! Bread! Yummy yummy bread!" *stuff* *stuff* *stuff* "Atsagooooood Ducky. Take yer ##$%%^$$% bread. It's good for ya! Sure it is!" *stuff* *stuff* *stuff* "Hey MMario! Bring me an onion. And set the oven to 450!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Stilly River Sage Date: 19 Dec 02 - 10:11 PM The Norwegian/Irish woman thanks Yorkshire Tony for the offer of lutefisk, declining, but adds "What I really want to eat is some lefse. Do you think that guy cooking could whip some up after they finish with the duck?" The commotion surrounding the duck grows louder with every handful of bread shoved into the bird. Sage shouts over the bar at MMario to ask if he has any boiled potatoes and can he make lefse? He seems distracted, pulling small frozen game hens from an institutional freezer behind the bar and tucking them into his pockets and under his armpits in an attempt to thaw them fast. The shouting continues, amid many shrieks of indignation at the treatment of the duck. "Well fuck a duck," Sage mutters to herself, and looks around for a way to get the cook's attention. A tipsy cat seated at the edge of the beautiful tree winks. Winks! Looking more closely at the animal, Sage sees that the cat is seated on the end of a long slim plank lying across the floor. Picking up one end and gently sliding the inebriated cat to the floor under the tree, she holds the board aloft and stretches it out to prod MMario in the shoulder. One of his game hens has escaped the pouch of his tunic and suddenly slipped to the floor, smashing a couple of toes as it bounces off of his left foot. The board reaches his shoulder just as he bends to retrieve the little bird, and receives a resounding "thunk!" on the head as he rises. Turning his sweaty gaze on the duo standing on the other side of the noisy bar, MMario finally understands that these two would like him to add potetlefse to his list of stuff to cook. "Okay, but put the *%&$##ing board down!" he hollers back. His voice is all but lost as the crowd roars. A wag approaches from behind the bar with an onion and hands it to Cluin. "I wouldn't do that if I were you," advises the overworked cook, but too late. Cluin cuts into the onion, releasing the eye-smarting scent, which promptly revives the duck, who with one mighty push blasts out the biggest wettest greenest wad of guano anyone in this room has ever seen emerge from one small bird. The cappucine monkey steps up to the duck, wraps his spindly arm around it's non-shoulders, and suggests they adjourn to the top of the tree. |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Liz the Squeak Date: 20 Dec 02 - 03:00 AM a stuffed duck and a coffee flavoured monkey trying to hit on the Christmas tree fairy..... I have GOT to stop smoking other peoples' Baileys.... Hey, pusscat, shift over and let me have a go at those presents under the tree... mind the ducks arse though, I think it's still loaded.... I'm sure there's a package under here with my name on it... if it doesn't have chocolate in it, there will be tears (and possibly a few dismembered limbs) before bedtime. Cheer up chaps, after tomorrow the days start getting longer again. LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: GUEST,Big,tough, hairy RSPCA inspector Date: 20 Dec 02 - 07:00 AM Right then you lot...I am stopping this thread right now.Never in all my years have I seen such blatant abuse of our poor, helpless, dumb friends.Release that duck, I say, let go that shivering monkey,sober up those cats,put that lemming DOWN, madam,stop cooking up prehistoric creatures and for Gods Sake, will someone please retire that sheep? Disgraceful.......shouldn't be allowed in any supposedly humane forum, just you wait, you lot will up to your arses in writs in no time flat, I can tell you......don't deserve to be allowed a thread you don't......... muttering and cursing the RSPCA inspector trudges off to police the other threads and if possible, find out who killed Cock Robin. |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: My guru always said Date: 20 Dec 02 - 07:20 AM The Stray watched while LTS rummaged through the large pile of pressies under the tree. Some were labelled but most of them weren't, so it looked like there was going to be a huge guessing game going on later. Most everyone knew each other anyway so most Catters would get something appropriate & others had hinted anyway. Both cats had had a good scratch at the wrapping paper earlier, boy was that Tortoishell a confusing Feline? The obvious presents were: A clever belt containing '007' tools for getting out of bondage An Acorn GPS handheld tracking system for use when lost Portable photo-copier A set of Jesses with little tinkly bells A Dictio9arey Bicycle repair kit for punctured nuts Fingerless gloves for fiddling with in the cold Fartanackle Choir CD (glowing gently) Small bag of red Leb Tin of Ducks Custard Powder Praire Oysters A coconut with a Lime & some Salt A set of extremely White Handkerchiefs Whoopie Cushion A Soft Bread Roll with an Orange A Large Block of Ice A bathtub of Sheep Dip It didn't take long for these presents to be chosen.... |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Dave Bryant Date: 20 Dec 02 - 08:07 AM Don't forget the 28lb box of Bailey's Chocolate Liqueurs - I wonder who's name's on that..... |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Noreen Date: 20 Dec 02 - 08:18 AM
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: MMario Date: 20 Dec 02 - 09:48 AM Who gets the complete set of Bronson's? |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Dead Horse Date: 20 Dec 02 - 10:22 AM I've already got a bicycle repair kit, thanks. I use the valve rubbers as condoms. And I see the prezzy I hid under the tree hasn't been found yet. I'm talking about the Max Boyce CDs which should drive those bloody rugby players barmy after a couple of hearings, and serves 'em right. Love the Dictio9arey, I wonder who in He9ll thats for? Back to the plot (Plot? Wot bloody plot?) The delectable (must look that up - wots lectable?) Kay, not having tripped the light fantastic for at least three minutes, is getting fidgety again, "O.K. You old bosun, (I think I heard right)git up and start singing South Australia in double quick time, I wanna be there by 6:30" "SouthAustraliaIwasbornHeaveawayHaulawaySouthAustraliaroundCapeHornandwe'reboundforSouthAustralia" (line breaks deleted to speed things up. Ed) The delectable Kay performs a double shuffle, three toe taps, two Cowboys, and a complete tribe of Indians before falling flat on her rump. "And let that be a lesson to you!" He says, breathlessly. |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Catherine Jayne Date: 20 Dec 02 - 10:47 AM There happens to be 2, 5-string fiddles under the tree......One for catsPHiddle and One for Sorcha......WOW this has made their Christmas!!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Bee-dubya-ell Date: 20 Dec 02 - 11:12 AM Just a quick refresher: When we last saw Punch the Horse he was somewhere on the plains of Australia, negotiating to have a trained boxing kangaroo open a large can of whip-arse on Oakley's rival, Winston Wellington-Jones. Now, back to the present.... The Southern Hemisphere door bursts open and in flies a noisy and very unusual looking four-seater airplane. Emblazoned on the fuselage is the legend "Punch the Horse World Tour 2003". What is so highly unusual about this particular airplane, also known as the "Puncheoplane", is that it is the world's only known hamster-powered flying machine. Each of its six propellers is attached to a shaft which serves as the axle for 500 hamster exercise wheels. (I can hear some readers performing quick mental calulations such as, "500 hamster wheels at a width of, say, three inches each would reguire a shaft 125 feet long! How can such a shaft possibly fit into a four-seater airplane?" Well, just remember that our normal perceptions about space, time and the amount of alcohol a human being can consume do not necessarilly apply in the Mudcat Tavern.) The cumulative power generated by 3000 hamsters running their little arses off , when multiplied by a sequence of gears, is just enough to keep the Puncheoplane aloft and moving forward at roughly 20 knots. To supply the extra power required for take-off, the hamsters' energy is stored using an ingenious system of rubberbands. The Puncheoplane somehow makes a three-point landing in the litterstrewn aisleway of the Tavern and taxis up to the bar. A pilot-side window is popped open and Captain DeanMeister pops his head out of the window and asks, "Got any hamster food?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Dave Bryant Date: 20 Dec 02 - 11:23 AM Noreen - are you really prepared to fight LTS (probably aided bt Bratling) for them ? |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: MMario Date: 20 Dec 02 - 11:31 AM Sorry - we don't serve Hamster here. Want some Aurochs? Velociraptor? Bread? |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Stilly River Sage Date: 20 Dec 02 - 01:27 PM That lefse ready yet? |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: GUEST,Guest, Cluin (from girlfriend's computer) Date: 20 Dec 02 - 01:39 PM I knew I shoulda used the onion whole.... |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: mg Date: 20 Dec 02 - 01:40 PM lutefisk lutefisk lefse lefse will we beat Ballard you betcha you betcha they sang in simple harmony |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: MMario Date: 20 Dec 02 - 01:43 PM Did you want that made with wheat flour, rye or buckwheat? The wheat is on the right side of the counter, the rye on the left and the buckwheat is just coming off the griddle. Blini's next! |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Stilly River Sage Date: 20 Dec 02 - 01:48 PM Potatoes, puleeease! Use a little unbleached white flour when you roll it out. . . |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Rapparee Date: 20 Dec 02 - 01:51 PM Outside, there came a squeal of tires (tyres, on the English side) and a horrible, rending, crash and scream of tortured metal on asphalt (macadam on the English side). A man in a ragged, torn jacket and pants staggered in, screaming, "Run for your lives! My paint truck (paint lorry on the English side) just crashed and split open! There's a wave of reddish-purple paint flooding this way!" And he ran out the other door. Those near the windows looked out and saw it: a tidal wave, a veritable tsunami, of reddish-purple paint bearing down on the Tavern. "Oh, look!" said Noreen. "The wave of the fuschia!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: MMario Date: 20 Dec 02 - 01:59 PM well of COURSE! *sniff* think I don't know how to make lefse? - whodacookaroundhereanywho?makemthemselvestheydon'tlikethewayIdoitsotheycan |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Stilly River Sage Date: 20 Dec 02 - 02:30 PM Sage peers around the darkend room, the purplish tinge on the ceiling a reflection of the outside neon light bouncing off of the sea of fuchia paint on the ground. She's looking for the pale glow of another low-sun-expsure-pastey-white Northwesterner. "Mary Garvey, do you remember your recipe for lefse? I think I have a box of cookbooks out in my pickup truck, but I hate to turn my socks purple by wading out to get one." Feathers drift down from near the top of the tree as the small monkey busily grooms the duck and tosses unattached feathers so they'll drift beyond the tree out to the floor. |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Catherine Jayne Date: 20 Dec 02 - 02:46 PM Oh shit it looks like we've been marrooned! (reddish purple paint) |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Micca Date: 20 Dec 02 - 02:58 PM Its Not paint!!! Its catsPHiddles infamous Blackberry vodka!!!!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: MMario Date: 20 Dec 02 - 03:11 PM STRAWS ALL AROUND! |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: mg Date: 20 Dec 02 - 03:49 PM I'm Irish..eat my potatoes straight. OK sometimes with a little whiskey. No lefse recipe here. mg |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: GUEST Date: 20 Dec 02 - 04:18 PM No one saw the convoy of white trucks/lorries bearing the logo of the NYCFTTS. Soon the place fills with the hit big bubrly men bearing straight jackets. A twist of lemming...ewwwww |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: MMario Date: 20 Dec 02 - 04:23 PM you prefer a wedgied lemming? |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Cllr Date: 20 Dec 02 - 04:32 PM lemming outa here and I only just arrived |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Dead Horse Date: 20 Dec 02 - 04:40 PM "I'll get me wellies on and go outside" says DH. "I might be gone some time" (Dead Horse Wins Oaks - Newmarket Gazette) "No cracks about *Waders of the Purple Sage* while I'm gone" Mrs DH picks herself up off the floor, and slides seductively towards a six fingered yokel wearing a stupid grin and a coonskin hat. "Git ya banjo out, ya purty young hunk, an' gi' us a toon" |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Liz the Squeak Date: 20 Dec 02 - 05:20 PM Oh Dave, what ever makes you think I'd fight my friends for chocolate... 28lbs divided by 3, makes 9lb each and one for Bratling... she's not supposed to eat too many... she's losing a front tooth. LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Tinker Date: 20 Dec 02 - 08:58 PM She shakes off the rain as she comes in through the Highland door... I knew if I came through the tavern I could replace the bottle Big Mick took home for the Missus... Looks like the bar could use one too. Hey bartender ! Straight from the Gordon.. another bottle of Cock of the North. Pour me a stiff one and a round for all the ladies... |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Allan C. Date: 20 Dec 02 - 09:05 PM Hey, Tink! I know I can't pass the physical; but could you spare a dram of that CoN for the likes of me? |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Cluin Date: 21 Dec 02 - 01:43 AM Dark wiry little lady enters and comes up to the bar, crooks a finger and beckons the barkeep towards her. "Oh, man!" says the barkeep. "What now?!" When he leans over the bar towards her, the lady says, in a thick Italian accent, "I'm-a looka for my husaban. You see? He's a handsome, a nice dress man, got-a nice suit. You see?" "Oh, sure, maybe", nods the barkeep. "There was a guy in an expensive suit here a while ago. But he left." "He go? Where?" asks the little lady, her chin jerking upward, eyes flashing. "He's alone or he's with-a some woman?" she challenges. "No, he was alone", assures the barkeep. "I guess things got too hot for him and he ran outta here lickety-split." "AhhhhhAtsa no my husaban' den", the lady shakes her head, almost sadly. "He pinch-a da bum, yes. But he no lick-a da split." Barkeep stares unfocussed for a 5 second count. "Fuggit! I'm on break!" he announces to no one in particular, then tosses down his bar towel, grabs a 40 of Jack Daniels and comes out from behind the bar. Throwing back his head, he upends the bottle into his gullet, chugging back a good five or six ounces. Coughs. Then he does it again. He lowers the bottle, glares once back at the bar, shakes his head and heads out the East Door, slouching towards Bethlehem. |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: MMario Date: 21 Dec 02 - 07:53 AM Y'know what I like about Christmas - sooner or later everyone shows up. New Friends, old friends, family. Have some more aurochs. Gotta make room for the big meal coming. |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: SINSULL Date: 21 Dec 02 - 07:06 PM SINSULL slowly hums "Deep Purple" and laughs aloud at her own joke. Another JD, a lemon bar and she slips quietly back into her corner to watch the fun and guard against any further attacks on the duck. |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Noreen Date: 21 Dec 02 - 08:01 PM Emboldened by Sorcha's protective presence, little duck pipes up: "Got 'ny aurochs? You can put it on my bill" |