BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 21 Dec 02 - 09:29 PM

OK, so this is the shortest day... but it's also the longest night.. .where is that mistletoe?

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Cluin
Date: 22 Dec 02 - 12:42 AM

It's all been hoarded by a disreputable scion of unspecified foreign royalty, who has tied it to his belt, both in front and behind. He is presently standing on a table, clutching a huge stein of ale, three sheets to the hurricane and is incorrigibly belting out dirty versions of songs:

Ohhhhhh... Old King Cole was a merry old soul
But a horny old cuss was he
He called for his queen and he called for his ho'
And he called for his diddlers three...

Of course, the Aberflyhalf RFC are cheering him on and there is talk of a coup...

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Gareth
Date: 22 Dec 02 - 05:17 AM

Cluin - a calamny, a despicable calamny - I have never claimed to be the "scion of unspecified royalty" Any way the mistltoe is significant at Beltain !!!!

Gareth

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Dead Horse
Date: 22 Dec 02 - 10:25 AM

But why is the mistletoe hung BEHIND!
Tis as I suspected. You sir, are a prevert.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Amos
Date: 22 Dec 02 - 02:01 PM

It's an ancient Druidic symbolic ritual, the nearest modern translation of which, scholars agree, can only be rendered as "Kiss My Royal Irish Arse". This is not a widely known fact, because most scholars blanch at the very concept, let alone the prospect of publishing it in words.

A

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Cluin
Date: 22 Dec 02 - 02:35 PM

Actually, they hold back on publishing because there is some disagreement on the translation: some think the modern equivalent of the word is "Royal", while others think it is "Wild". More government funding is required to further research the discrepancy.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Cluin
Date: 22 Dec 02 - 02:38 PM

By the way, doesn't Welsh mean Foreign?

*sneaking out*

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 22 Dec 02 - 02:46 PM

The long-hair with the loin cloth and tool belt, sat beside me. He wasn't to bad to look at or smell after he had cleaned himself up a bit.He must have been getting a little buzzed though because he starts complaining to me a little..
He says,
I repaired the hole in the roof, but do they call me a carpenter?
I fixed the leaking faucet in the mens room, but do they call me a plumber?
I build a rock wall around the paint truck to stop the wave of the fuschia, but do they call me a mason?
No,But I fuck one inflatable sheep...

I'm thinking this is someone Gareth, Art, or the bare-chested man in the MacGregor kilt could handle better than myself so I slip off the bar stool and go find myself a bottle of Cuervo behind the bar.(I figure I might as well take the whole bottle since we have no-one to tend bar)
I think there is some coconut, lime and salt under the tree so I wonder off that way.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Cluin
Date: 22 Dec 02 - 02:49 PM

Yeah, Enkidu always did get rather morose just before he passed out.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Dead Horse
Date: 22 Dec 02 - 03:51 PM

If Gareth has a Royal Irish Arse (RIA) he should get it decommisioned at once.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: SINSULL
Date: 22 Dec 02 - 07:11 PM

Is a diddler a person or a thing? And why does he need three? HAHA the duck said to put it on his bill. Just got it. I think I will help myself to the bottle of Jack Daniels behind the bar. Saves getting up and down. Put it on the duck's bill...HAHAHA

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Dec 02 - 07:34 PM

The quiet man simply drank his Talisker, his sixth? seventh? seventieth? He'd quit counting some time ago.

Exciting evening, what with the wave of the fuschia and all. He'd gotten pretty disgusted, too, with the various puns engendered: Liz, spying a small puddle of the paint off to one side, had said, "Look! The waif of the fuschia!" Amos, afraid that once the flood was stopped it would return as a ghost, had babbled about the "wraith of the future."

He turned his back to the window and called to bartender for more. It was, he knew, either back to the fuschia or he'd be suffering from fuschia shock.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Cluin
Date: 22 Dec 02 - 10:56 PM

And thusly did the poor inebriated Taverners discover that both the bottle of Jack and the bartender were no longer on the premises--two of the seven signs that a new gyre fast approacheth.

So let it be written... So let it be done.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Gareth
Date: 23 Dec 02 - 02:52 AM

Only to the foriegners !!!!!


Gareth awaiting the Eweltide festivities !

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 23 Dec 02 - 02:59 AM

How do you turn a duck into a blues singer?

Put it in a microwave until it's Bill Withers!

(sorry duck lovers....)

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 23 Dec 02 - 10:30 AM

What a waste of a duck ! - you don't get any of that lovely crisp skin in a microwave. The one that we're looking forward to on Wednesday will be meticulously prepared before it goes into the oven.

There doesn't seem to be much in the way of good, loud singing in the tavern at the moment - so I'll just slip away from Linda's Christmas preparations and find the Greenwich portal - it should be near the market - ah here we are.

OK what about "While Shepherds Watched" to the tune of "Cranbrook" ? I'll sing the melody line in the Tenor -Come on MMario they tell me you've got a big voice - you can sing the baritone part. Liz, you've got the Soprano part and Morty can sing Alto.

One, Two, Three

While Shepherds watched their flocks by night............

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: MMario
Date: 23 Dec 02 - 10:50 AM

MMario doesn't have much of any voice at the moment - his identical twin descendant/cousin/twin/ancestor Benjermin Laudley-Bellowes got a wee bit enthusiastic while celebrating Mr. Scrooges 'epiphany' yesterday - and while caroling - gradually lost tenor range, baritone range, and finally bass range -

for once (and it don't happen often) MMario is silent.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 23 Dec 02 - 11:43 AM

Christ - that was a shambles - sorry Roger, I wasn't talking about you. I'll just nip back and print out a load of scores - then we can do some note-bashing and try it again.

Do you all think that Christmas is just about getting pissed, shagging any creature that moves, and cooking and eating any that don't.

BTW try and sort out who's singing the bass part - it's not difficult - it only goes down to A and up to D on the bass clef.

You can find a MIDI of Thomas Clark's score HERE .

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: MMario
Date: 23 Dec 02 - 11:51 AM

of course not - Christmas is about lots more then getting pissed, shagging, cooking, and eating. those are just incidental functions. that make the holiday more festive.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Dead Horse
Date: 23 Dec 02 - 05:59 PM

Christmas is about getting your inflateable bollox blown up, your foreskin ripped off, a tree stuffed up your behind, your best sloe gin used as a fire extinguisher, and your missus rogered by the skiffler!
Been a good year, so far.
Definately got this place in my calender for 2003.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Cluin
Date: 23 Dec 02 - 06:08 PM

Yeah, but what's the soundtrack like for that movie, Dead Horse?

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Yorkshire Tony
Date: 23 Dec 02 - 06:18 PM

I can probably handle the Bass part. Camo can do the descants. Now how did it go:

While shepherds washed their socks by night all seated on the ground
The Angle of the Lord came down and paid for pints all round.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Leadfingers
Date: 23 Dec 02 - 07:16 PM

To the tune of Ilkley Moor BahT'at

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: GUEST
Date: 23 Dec 02 - 07:29 PM

Drunken voice at the back of the room says, whoever organised this orgy shoulda be crucified......

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Dave Swan
Date: 23 Dec 02 - 07:52 PM

Tony, you've saved Sherburne for me. New meaning. A genuine smile when I sing it. Thanks fo rhte Christmas present.
Cheers,
D

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 23 Dec 02 - 08:21 PM

Sorry, thought I was doing bass... not had enough gin for that....

shall we try again? And baggsy I get to sing the line about the angel of the Lord giving them all a scrub...

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 24 Dec 02 - 01:24 AM

Detecting a lull in the crowd as they all seem to slip into catatonia, the animals creep out from under the tree or climb down from atop it. They assemble on the remaining portion of the bar and sit quietly, listening to a few low voices as they discuss breaking into song. . .

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: mg
Date: 24 Dec 02 - 01:39 AM

and here is what they sang

Jesus our King kind and good was humbly born in a stable of wood
And the lowly beasts around him stood Jesus our King kind and good
I said the donkey shaggy and brown I carried his mother up and down
I carried his mother to Bethlehem town I said the donkey shaggy and brown
I said the ox this was my hay I gave him my manger twas here that he lay
I gave him my manger twas here that he lay I said the ox this was my hay
(I said the sheep with pearly horn I gave him my wool for a blanket warm
He wore my coat on Christmas morn I said the sheep with pearly horn)
I said the dove from the rafters high I sang him to sleep that he would not cry
We sang him to sleep my love and I I said the dove from the rafters high
And so every heart by some good spell in the stable dark was glad to tell
Of the gift they he gave to Emanuel of the gift that he gave to Emanuel

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 24 Dec 02 - 02:18 AM

But what happened to the duck?

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Dead Horse
Date: 24 Dec 02 - 05:37 AM

Bugger the duck. (ooh er)
It's them chameleons I feel sorry for. (no flies on them!)
Could you all sing faster, please, because they are re-running WW2 on the tele and I want to see how it turns out.
We might lose this time, so as to be eligible for reconstruction money.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 24 Dec 02 - 09:12 AM

From:Sue,Grabbit & Runne, Solicitors & Commissioners of bloody oaths.
To: Mr Equine Deceased
Re: Allegations made against our client Roger aka The Skiffler, hereinafter referred to as the party of the first part (second hand and worn out parts)
My client feels your allegations are an unjustified slur on your lovely lady wife, Kay, aka Clogs of Fire, but flattering in regard to his own appeal to, and performance with, the opposite sex, so could you please publicise them as widely as possiblt to enhance his street cred down the day centre and NYCFTTS.
Yours etc...

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: SINSULL
Date: 24 Dec 02 - 09:33 AM

(aside) Lovely, Mary. Thank you.

Now back to the frivolities.

      To My Duck

"There were three little ducks
And they did go
Wibble Wobble Wibble Wobble
Down to the pond.
But the one little duck
With a feather on his back
He'd lead the others
With a "Quack quack quack"

If the ocean were whiskey
And I was a duck,
I would dive to the bottom and never come up.
But the ocean ain't whiskey
And I ain't no duck
So I'll drink the Jack Daniels
And not give a ...

Yellow bird
Up high in the Christmas tree.
Yellow bird
Escaping the reverie.
Would you like some Dew?
It's my favorite brew.
It's from Tennessee
Where the grass is blue
And the banjo rules
And a twang is cool.
They are more lucky than we.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Dead Horse
Date: 24 Dec 02 - 08:33 PM

Xmas calypso music eminating from the bar.(the bar where Messers Sue,Grabbit & Runne, Solicitors & Commissioners of bloody oaths practise, no doubt.)
As for the rogering, look mate, she's my wife, I have to, fer gawds sake. Wots your excuse?
Seein' as how we is singin' agin', an' we got a theme of *whisky*, I reckon I might do a shanty if only I could think of one...............
nope. Don't suppose there can be any, seein' as how all sailors was tea total.
I dreamed a dream, the other night
Tea bags, Tea bags away, my John
Make me a cup, and make it white
My Tea bags, haa-way

Now, don't forget to warm the pot,
Tea bags, Tea bags away, my John
I likes it warm, but not too hot
My Tea bags, haa-way

And there's more where that came from, so let that be a warning.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Dec 02 - 02:21 PM

It was time. More than time, in fact. He took out The Trumpet.

This one was midnight blue, with silver -- stars, were they? -- in the bell. This one you couldn't hardly keep in sight; it tended to vanish with vision, like something seen only in the corner of the eye.

He put it to his lips, then put in a mute and blew one crystal clear note. It hung in the air like a star.

No one noticed.

The quiet man put the trumpet away, muttering to himself, "No, it's not time yet. I'll let Gabe do it; it's his job after all."

He looked over the crowd again, and sighed, "They do a lot more good than ill. And this planet needs all the good it can get."

He picked up The Trumpet, pulled the mouthpiece, and put both back into his pack. He drained the Talisker, shook his head indulgently, and with a faint "pop" vanished, leaving in the air only a "Merry Christmas and Peace On Earth" shimmering like thousands of tiny stars.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 25 Dec 02 - 02:44 PM

Sage looked up, with a niggling little feeling, like she almost just remembered something--it was like a scene from a Jack Benny movie--The Horn Blows at Midnight, sans the coffee cup.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 27 Dec 02 - 02:56 AM

There was the most delicious sound in the air... The band in the corner petered out to a gentle harmonic, even Morty looked up from her Baileys, and Liz stopped chomping on the sprout sandwich.....

Suddenly, it felt as if someone had opened a window onto heaven, the air freshened, the sweet pine scent of the tree overpowered the fug of booze, farts and the jello pit.

From far away, there came the sound of an ancient clock, chiming with the sound of silver bells, midnight. The duck, the chameleons and the donkey turn to the east, kneel down, and the air is filled with light from a source no-one can tell.

'Blessings on you all' they say, 'even you with the orange sauce'.

Like the realisation that it's end of term or free drinks at the bar, every face is smiling, serene or beautiful.

Gaudete, Gaudete, Christus est natus, Ex Maria, virgine. Gaudete!

Pax vobiscum

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Dead Horse
Date: 27 Dec 02 - 07:22 AM

I see the whist drivers are back, and trumps are in the air.
(goes over to corner, hangs sou'wester over web-cam)
Chameleons having settled down to a mahogany hue, are now flicking their tongues out in turn, playing at catching bar flies. Morti appears to be the favourite target.
There is a knocking at the front door, then a bunch of hoodeners enter, saying.........
Here comes bludger and his motley crew,
They've come to see what they can screw out of you.
Open your wallet, dig into your pocket,
Then we'll be off, just like a rocket.

It may not be traditional, but it is blessedly short. Not at all like a mummers play, really.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 27 Dec 02 - 05:59 PM

Come on you lot, Christmas isn't over for another 9 days yet!!!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: MMario
Date: 27 Dec 02 - 06:28 PM

But the place is a WRECK!    Maybe we need to phase it into a new incarnation for New Years and Hogmany - then celebrate Old Christmas and Epiphany too!

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 27 Dec 02 - 09:47 PM

Sage begins humming softly, almost under her breath, Last Night I Had the Strangest Dream, a song she considered a lullaby from childhood. Stepping carefully toward the main front door, she opens it a crack as a few in the group pick up on the song but then all are lulled into a group power nap. She slides into a comfortable nitch near the coat rack and also drifts to sleep. In through the door creep the Shoemaker's elves, who set quickly to work. They pick up the unconscious duck, cats, monkey, and chameleons on the bar and dust under each then replace them gently. They pull out their little silver hammers and reach into their aprons for hand-cut nails and rapidly repair the bar. Next, feather dusters make a circuit of the room, followed by brooms and dustpans to remove loose bits of debris. The tree is given a good shake to removed loose shakes, needles and bits of wattle and daub from the damaged walls, then the ornaments are repaired and replaced on each branch. The kitchen is also visited, with a heavy influence of green soap and lye as the entire establishment is given a going-over previously unimagined by any of the sleep-drugged human occupants. Indeed, the humans are the final task for the elves, as those in the messiest condition have a little pixie dust thrown their way to straighten their disheveled apparel.

Knowing that a tip might well be offered by the customers, many now childlike in their sleep, the elves each help themselves to some of MMario's auroch and a roll each of Liz the Squeak's duct tape, left over from her early adventures in the tavern john. They depart merrily into the sweet-smelling night, knowing the revellers (who possess quite a bit of magic of their own) are all set to celebrate the New Year. Mmario and the barkeep begin to rouse first, and turn to tend their meat and drink for the stirring revellers.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: mg
Date: 27 Dec 02 - 10:28 PM

I sure hope they didn't use up all the lye in something so mundane as cleaning, seeing as it could be used in next year's lutefisk, thought the Swedish matron who had been given the chore of chaperoning the young maidens with flammables in their hair.

mg

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 28 Dec 02 - 04:41 AM

Hmmmmmm... wonder if they'd like to come home with me.... I could do with some extra help with the cats and around the house, especially that little one with the hairy chest, the one who listens to the same radio station as me...... bet he'd be good with the pussies.

Have the duct tape and welcome... and if you come back on New Years' Eve, the usual will be in the garden, under the pitsiporum.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Dead Horse
Date: 28 Dec 02 - 07:03 PM

Bloody hell! I've woken up in the wrong place!
Get me outa here, and back to the tavern, I left something there....(forget what. Bars open. Staying.)

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: SINSULL
Date: 28 Dec 02 - 10:19 PM

Wow! They even shaved my armpits and waxed my legs. Flossed and brushed as well. I haven't been this shevelled in months. Wonder if they would be available for some light house cleaning on a bi-weekly basis???? Would like a bikini waxing for the new year too.

I will have to check with the shoemaker next time I get re-soled or sold or souled...

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Gareth
Date: 29 Dec 02 - 04:33 AM

And with a gentle sigh of escaped air the inflatable sheep settles down, and is rolled up and packed away into storage for the next opening of the Mudcat Tavern.

The Monkey, dressed in its Sailors Uniform departs, it has an inkling to depart for Hartlepool, it's heard that Monkeys can have a swinging time there.

Throats sore and bleeding the Aberflyhalf RFC depart at a swaggering stagger, thier jollility dampened by the thought of post Xmas training sesions, and hoping against hope that the Scrumage Training machine will not continue to win the ball in thier practice sessions. As they depart through the door leading to thier little valley the croaking strains of "Cosher Bailey" fade into the bible black darkness Have you ever saw, Have you ever saw, Have you ever saw, Such a funny thing before ...

Into the void drifts a tinkling of Morris Bells, as always the Morris Dancers are the last to leave

The drays arrive to collect the empties.

Silence, decorum and sobrity settle over the tavern, like Van der Dekker, it exists in its own niche of unreality, awaiting revival when the festivities commence.

Gareth

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 29 Dec 02 - 07:15 AM

BBrrrrrrrrrrrruuuuuuuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaapppppppppppppphhhhhhhhh!

that's better... always more effective when there's no background noise...

Silence, decorum and sobriety my arse!!!


BBrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmpppppppppppppppphhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Listen how it tinkles off the tree ornaments... or is that the empties....

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Gareth
Date: 29 Dec 02 - 09:22 AM

Into the void drifts a tinkling of Morris Bells, as always the Morris Dancers are the last to leave

Correction - Delete Morris Dancers - Insert LtS

Meantime the Chameleons turn a brown, sludgy colour. A learned scientist writes a paper on "The Olefactory Input of Chameleons".

Gareth

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: My guru always said
Date: 29 Dec 02 - 12:21 PM

Well-groomed & dusted off the little Tabby on the bar yawns, stretches & looks around for her new-found friends.

'Damn, I've lost them all again..... and just when I was starting to feel at home! Maybe they'll be back for New Year, there's just time for a quick singaround before New Year's Eve. Maybe it was all just a dream.......'

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Noreen
Date: 29 Dec 02 - 12:59 PM

Small yellow Pontefraction duck awakes, nail holes in beak and webs also mended by shoemaker's elves.
(Wonder if they've done the same for Oakley's parts too?)

Feeling peckish, as ducks are wont to do, hops around on pristine bar: "Got'ny....

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Cllr
Date: 29 Dec 02 - 02:07 PM

Hello got any port? Cllr