BS: Subversive Cheese

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 08 Dec 03 - 06:53 PM

Is a big fishook a fishook that is big, a big hook for an average sized fish or a average sized hook for a big fish?

Just want to know.

:D

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 08 Dec 03 - 10:37 AM

I wonder if they'd notice a large bottle of marmite with a detonator in it - a mobile phone battery would set off the detonator with no trouble.

I know somebody who caused a panic because they had two large slabs of marzipan in their bag.

When they x-rayed my guitar case, they got upset about: my curly guitar lead, the internal pickup lead which looked like a big fishook, and the electronic tuner.

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: GUEST,pdq
Date: 07 Dec 03 - 03:29 PM

The pasteurized stuff called "American cheese" can easily be confused with C4 plastic explosive, at least to the untrained eye.

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 06 Dec 03 - 05:31 PM

And that can be A Real Tearer... :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: Cluin
Date: 06 Dec 03 - 11:09 AM

Cheese IS dangerous.

You can use it to bind a person.

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: Peg
Date: 06 Dec 03 - 10:00 AM

I missed this thread over the summer because I was away camping for a month...

Once, flying from Logan to Florida (yes, THAT Logan airport), I had a four-inch Bowie knife in my carry-on. Two security guys had a pissing contest over what to do, I stayed mum. One w asnted to confiscate it, one just wanted to wrap it in duct tape and put it at the bottom of my bag and tape my bag shut. The tape won in the end. I could not even bring a book of matches through Logan security recently. They have spent a lot of money recently on international flag banners and new video monitors that unspool endless advice at the security checkpoint ("please remove your shows, please place laptops in the grey bins only"), which is ignored by everyone and ends up saving no time. At least they have finally gotten rid of   the jack-booted thugs with machine guns patrolling the place after 9-11.

re:   henna; I am curious; was this confisacted by customs   officials in the US? Because I got some in England that nearly was too. I got it at an open air market, it was wrapped in clear plastic, as opposed to the sealed packages one gets at the body Shop or Lush. One official thought it was some odd plant substance, but the other understood what henna was once I explained and said it was all right.

I just wish there wasn't a law against bringing back English bacon...but no meat or dairy products are allowed.

Subject: BLESSED ARE THE CHEESE MAKERS
From: Donuel
Date: 06 Dec 03 - 09:12 AM

What a friend we have in cheeses
Chedder munster and Guryere
But what a hassle tis to carry
past security at US Air.

O what peace we often forfeit
O what needless pain we bear
All because we carried cheeses
on board a flight of US Air.

We were fondled and then X-rayed
Because of troubles in the air
The screener had trememdous courage
to plunge their hands in underwear.

Did we seem a fiend unfairhful
who would bomb without a care
Jesus is our cheese a weakness
in security at US Air.


Are we weak from ol bin Laden
cumbered with a load of care.
The guards ran to seek some refuge
from tin wrapped cheese we had to share.


Do the guards despise, forsake you?
at air ports everywhere
They are armed and may likely shoot you
if they find some cheese in there.


By the time this made the papers
the head line was in gross error.
Capture, praise and endless worship
for the guards at US Air.



by Don Hakman - because of you guys.

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: LadyJean
Date: 06 Dec 03 - 12:32 AM

Since cheese is a popular Christmas gift, I thought I'd revive this thread.

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 26 Jul 03 - 09:59 AM

Ah yes, not noted for jolly humour, those Customs and Excise people....

A merry quip and a sarcastic comment can have you probed quicker than you can say 'that's the red channel'.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 26 Jul 03 - 09:03 AM

I thought that some cheese slices actually were Semtex, they certainly don't taste much like cheese.
Giok

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 25 Jul 03 - 05:19 PM

I'd have thought that it'd be quite possible to make a blend of Semtex and cheese that would still be explosive, but would still have all the appearance of cheese...

The thing to remember though, is never ever make any kind of jokey remarks about any of the explosive potential contents of your baggage when you are going through custioms or security. People have been faced with really hefty jail sentences for that kind of thing.

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: Folkiedave
Date: 25 Jul 03 - 03:00 PM

best thread for ages..........refresh!!

Dave

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: gnomad
Date: 25 Jul 03 - 01:13 PM

Also on BBC.

subversive pastry?

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: DMcG
Date: 25 Jul 03 - 03:57 AM

There's an article in today's Guardian about someone who tried to take uncooked puff pastry through customs and got their luggage blown up (suspected semtex)

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: HuwG
Date: 24 Jul 03 - 07:13 AM

It might be worse. Someone once ordered live lobsters for a British Army officers mess' in Northern Ireland. The delivery driver went to the kitchen door. Nobody answered when he knocked, so he left the parcel on the doorstep, with a note. Meanwhile, the angry lobsters were clicking their claws as they tried to get out and back to see. The first cook to see the parcel heard the clicking, and didn't care to read the note; he just alerted the entire camp that there was an IRA bomb by the officers' mess.

So, a Wheelbarrow [a remote-controlled tracked vehicle, which holds lots of tools for bomb disposal at a safe distance] was deployed; it "disrupted" the parcel with a "controlled explosion". Translation; the unfortunate crustaceans were instantly reduced to sandwich spread.

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: JennyO
Date: 24 Jul 03 - 12:38 AM

Only a week? I've had forgotten things in cars that managed to leave a smell for months!

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: LadyJean
Date: 23 Jul 03 - 11:05 PM

I went to Maryland with two friends, years ago. The one with the car decided to bring a bunch of Maryland crabs home to his mother. ( I think they were alive when we left.) He put them in the trunk/boot of his car. A week later, you could still smell them.

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: nickp
Date: 23 Jul 03 - 06:52 AM

And as I hit the submit button I suddenly remembered...

About 8 years ago our clogging team went to France (from the UK to put it in perspective) and on our way back stocked up the boot (trunk) of the car with garlic and local soft cheeses and other irrelevant souvenirs - to say nothing of sweaty socks and grubby costumes.

OK so far, but this is a very very hot weekend, a long car journey and a long ferry trip...

Guess who got stopped for a check at the customs on entry? Except that the officer who asked to see in the back of the car lifted the lid about 2 inches - and shut it again in a hurry! No further checks for contraband (not that there was any) but I have to say the cheese nearly made its own way home!

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: nickp
Date: 23 Jul 03 - 06:45 AM

I gather that bars of chocolate can confuse the airport machines too - they look like blocks of explosive..... which is the effect they have on my waistline!

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 22 Jul 03 - 04:41 PM

I dunno... remembering some of the stuff my mother knitted, they can be VERY offensive weapons!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 22 Jul 03 - 01:47 PM

I don't actually; but there are so *many* potentially lethal objects about people that to eliminate something like knitting needles or crochet hooks is silly - unless they are also going to eliminate pens, pencils, paper clips, ties, shoelaces, etc, etc, etc.

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: GUEST,Kim C no cookie
Date: 22 Jul 03 - 01:30 PM

I guess because I'm not the murderous type, I have a hard time imagining a #2 bamboo knitting needle as a lethal weapon. ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: catspaw49
Date: 22 Jul 03 - 09:25 AM

LadyJean.......Ever since my bypass in '97 I have been tripping metal detectors (sternum stapled together). Then the addition of a St. Jude's mitral valve added a bit more metal inside with the bonus of the fact that under the right conditions you can hear the thing make a ticking noise as it opens and closes. Although the metal detectors are generally tripped, so far no one has noticed my chest is also ticking. With these days of suicide bombers I do get a bit nervous so I carry my St. Jude's registration card and a letter from my Doctor.

And to be completely pedantic.......It's "Cincinnati" and you are far from alone in the doubling of letters mistake. Also the airport is in Erlanger, not Florence (as if it matters a ratshit).

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: Mr Red
Date: 21 Jul 03 - 03:06 PM

Gareth

Cosher Bailey's MP Ron, well he stop a while in Clapham
Lost his car and job, though he still don't know what happen
Was you ever saw, was you ever saw........................

Ya gotta smile or the bloody politicians will win.

For a US translation think Chappaquidick without the loss of life and you get the idea - almost.

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 21 Jul 03 - 09:11 AM

On our first trip to the states (pre 9/11) we had all manner of foodstuffs in the luggage. I was a little worried when I saw the list of restricted items (including cheese!) some of which were in the cases.

The very very nice man at Atlanta said 'English eh? First trip to the US?'

'Yes' replies I.

'Anything to declare?' he asks. Before I can reply he grins 'Just say tea and biscuits. It's what everyone brings.'

'OK', I say. 'tea and biscuits.'

'Next...'

Very different now I guess.

Anyroads. Whats wrong with us fat businessmesn being terrorists? I'll get the Gnome Liberation Army an you mate!

Cheers

Dave the Gnome

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 20 Jul 03 - 10:19 AM

I can't see why finding a terrorist who can look like a paunchy businessman would be a particular problem.

If you aren't rational within the area what yiou are trying to do, you couldn't be very effective as a terrorist. Alright, what you are doing might be raving lunacy, but that's another matter. The same applies on a much larger scale for the people who operate nuclear missile systems, they're engaged in something conpletely insane, but they have to be rational while they are doing it.

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: CapriUni
Date: 20 Jul 03 - 08:45 AM

All this is reason why I will not fly...

I use a motorized wheelchair, and I just know, with its battery and wires and motor, that it would be taken apart and inspected by personel who don't know the first thing about wheelchairs.   If / when they can't put it together again, I lose all my independence until I can get it fixed or replaced -- wouldn't even be able to go from side of the room to the other without help...

I have greater fear of the secrurity people than I do of the terrorists, frankly.

Which is why I've decided that all my traveling will be over Earth's surface from now on -- at least, that way, I have a reasonable expectation of having my chair in my posession for the whole journey.

... So, do cruise ships still go across the oceans, or are they just for trips along coasts, to the tropical islands?

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: Gurney
Date: 20 Jul 03 - 06:34 AM

I've shared McGrath's opinion for some time, passengers in dressing-gowns, with the addition that the luggage should be towed behind the plane in a glider, with a pilot on danger-money and possibly el-cheapo all-care, no-responsibility seats...
"This is a Hijack!!! I have swallowed explosive and if you do not surrender control I shall stick my finger in the light-socket!!"

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 20 Jul 03 - 04:50 AM

I notice Gareth also ignores the embarassing fact that the present prince of Wales is an Anglo/German/Greek, who talks to plants!
Maybe that's what was happening on Clapham Common that night; yes that's the answer, he was talking to the trees.

I talk to the trees
That's why they put me away!
La la lala la.

No honestly I don't need a coat this weather.

Giok

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: LadyJean
Date: 19 Jul 03 - 10:33 PM

My cousin lives in Burlington, Kentucky. When I visit, I fly to the Cincinnatti airport, which is just up the road, in Florence Kentucky. (Cinncinnatti is in Ohio, as some mudders may not know.) Since 9/11 my chief problem has been the 9 screws that hold my left arm together. (I had a collision with a basement floor some years ago.) I beep metal detectors. I check my luggage, with my knitting inside, at the gate. Until now, all they've done is asked if I've had it out of my sight, or if anyone gave me anything to carry onto the plane.
Now, they x ray the thing, and inspect my cheese.
I don't beep metal detectors anymore, though.
Those cheese puns smelled worse than limburger. I appreciated them greatly. "Pack your bags Caerphilly!"

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: Bill D
Date: 19 Jul 03 - 09:46 PM

"That is exactly the way any rational terrorist would be likely to dress,....."

ummmm...I suppose it would be handy to find someone like that willing to do the 'job'...but it is hardly likely. And 'rational terrorist' is rather a category error, if I may say so,(though I see your point).

"...everyone flying on airlines or charter planes should have to hand in everything they've got..." etc...sure, then the terrorists will shrug and blow up a train or a bus (and probably on a bridge or in a tunnel). I suspect they are just as happy to be making us spend these hundreds of millions of $$$ searching ladies for knitting needles while they plan an attack on a power plant or reservoir.

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: Strick
Date: 19 Jul 03 - 07:21 PM

When I flew through O'Hare right after last Christmas, I was warned not to be careful going through the security check point. The new gear for identifying explosives couldn't distiquish between C4 and fruitcake.

Maybe it knows something we don't.

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Jul 03 - 07:16 PM

Our middle school had an earth science field trip to FL
On the way back several students had water samples from the swamp that was to be tested later.
Before a chaperone knew what was happening a security guard had forced a child to drink the swamp water.
The child vomited on the plane but recovered in a couple days none the worse for suspicious subversive behior.

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 19 Jul 03 - 07:10 PM

You glide swiftly past Charlotte Church and Catherine Zeta-Jones, I note...

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: Gareth
Date: 19 Jul 03 - 07:06 PM

Oi ! leave off the criticism of Caerphilly. That, the Castle, and antics on Clapham Common are our only claim to public fame !

Gareth

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 19 Jul 03 - 06:18 PM

You could combine a cheese with a pretty good biological weapon, if you had the mind to.

"...some little old lady and a paunchy businessman..." That is exactly the way any rational terrorist would be likely to dress, surely, instead of "swarthy young men with accents"?

I've suggested that everyone flying on airlines or charter planes should have to hand in everything they've got, and everything they are wearing. Then travel wearing overalls or pyjamas issueed on the spot by the airline, and piuck up their stuff at the other end. If one result was to cut down the number of people who found it necessary to travel, all the better.

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: KateG
Date: 19 Jul 03 - 06:08 PM

A generously proportioned friend of mine has taken to wearing pull-on sports bras whenever travelling. It seems that the hooks and underwires in her normal corsetry are enough to set off metal detectors, and she got tired of being groped (however politely) whenever she flew.

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: Mr Red
Date: 19 Jul 03 - 12:10 PM

Pack your bags Caerphilly no Red Leicesters under the beds either.

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: GUEST,Desdemona
Date: 19 Jul 03 - 05:24 AM

Yes, a colleague & I were returning home from a conference a few months ago, and had already had the return trip from hell--flight cancelled, terrible weather, had to drive 2 hours to another airport unless we wanted to sat another day (we didn't!), blah, blah, blah.
SO---after finally arriving at our hotel (for which we were vexed enough to make the airline give us a voucher)at 12.30am, and a 3am wake-up call, we were the "randomly selected" passengers given the privilege of having our undergarments scanned, luggage (again--dirty laundry!) rifled through, gifts for our kids inspected, fee inspected, et al. At which point we were so exhausted that we just started laughing hysterically because things had gone so badly already that we really weren't even surprised...we just wondered what might be next!

D.

PS---Am just arrived in the beautiful UK (got off the plane at 6.30am local time) after a *totally* smooth & uneventful trip---saints be praised!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 19 Jul 03 - 03:06 AM

There is a point where paranoia kicks in over common sense.... kneejerk reactions always end up being worse than the original problem.

Of course, now everyone is looking for Weapons of Mass Destruction, sharp pointy objects and lethal cheeses, it means the bona fide smugglers are sneaking all sorts of other stuff in.... when you are only looking for one thing, you only ever see that one thing.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: JennieG
Date: 19 Jul 03 - 12:39 AM

A lady I know was waiting to board a plane and as she is a quilter, had a small sewing case with her containing 2 or 3 needles, thread, etc. It was going to be confiscated. She then pointed out men who were waiting to board the same plane who had sharp pointed pins on their belt buckles and asked that the belts be confiscated if her sewing case was; also a lady wearing a brooch pinned to her lapel. After some hasty mumbling among themselves the guards waved her on - WITH her sewing case.
And no, they didn't take the belts or brooch either.
Cheers
JennieG

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: EBarnacle1
Date: 18 Jul 03 - 06:48 PM

A year and a half ago, I was shepherding some kids on board the USS Constitution. The inspectors wanted to confiscate my keychain penknife. There seemed to be some fear that I would hijack this classic square rigged sailing ship and actually take her to sea for more than her annual turnaround. I wonder whether their fantasy or mine was greater.

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: Bill D
Date: 18 Jul 03 - 06:29 PM

LOL!..wonderful!

...about airports: they have a routine at boarding gates in the US. Even after you have passed first security, they randomly select several passengers for 'extra' checks(a computer just spits out several numbers of boarding passes)...this gives the interesting scene at times of some little old lady and a paunchy businessman being asked to remove their shoes and empty their carry-on luggage, while swarthy young men with accents shuffle by un-impeded. (profiling, we KNOW is objectionable...*grin*)

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 18 Jul 03 - 03:17 PM

But there's a border guard at Portbou who will never be the same again after a certain short fat hairy person with a penchant for kilt wearing offered to delcare the extra bottle of port he had stashed in his case. To protect it he'd wrapped it in his dirty laundry.... bearing in mind, this was the going home journey..... and the case had been sitting in the sun for a long time....

The zips were unfastened, the lid flipped open. The guard took a step backwards muttering words that you'll never find in any Spanish or French dictionary and waved him through without further charge.

Strange how socks and Tshirts can resemble finest aged Gorgonzola with just a hint of rotten egg.....

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: GUEST,Desdemona at work
Date: 18 Jul 03 - 11:03 AM

I have to say this is probably the most irresistible thread title I've yet seen...and it puts me in mind of the time my mother smuggled 14 frozen pork pies and a 5 lb double Gloucester home from England, nestled between her sweaters and nightgowns...!

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: Noreen
Date: 18 Jul 03 - 09:14 AM

LOL Huw!

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: HuwG
Date: 18 Jul 03 - 09:04 AM

A friend of mine was doing some computer contract work in the Netherlands. A (British) friend of his who was already over there, asked him to bring some confectionary she was very fond of but could not obtain in the Netherlands, with him; namely, Cadbury's Cream Eggs.

He also put his Walkman in the case.

So, as he goes through the X-ray machines at the ferry terminal in the Hoek van Holland (sp), his suitcase contains a small box with circuitry, and 12 oval opaque objects, about the size of small hand-grenades (Cream Eggs are wrapped in foil).

It was all sorted out in the end, though he had to eat one of the Eggs to prove it was innocuous. This apparently revolted the Dutch customs guys, even though they are supposed to remain unmoved at what people- and drug-mugglers can do.

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: katlaughing
Date: 18 Jul 03 - 03:34 AM

Check these out: Knitting needles and murder (fictional) and this from Ananova: take those needles away!

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: GUEST
Date: 17 Jul 03 - 07:35 PM

Talk about lethal weapons: an acquaintance of mine keeps two toothbrushes and a length of dental floss in her carry-on bag. Instant garrote. Nobody's confiscated *them* yet...

Subject: RE: BS: Subversive Cheese
From: Red and White Rabbit
Date: 17 Jul 03 - 07:10 PM

No cheese Gromit - try raggys tent at Saddleworth festival this weekend