BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: artbrooks
Date: 12 Dec 03 - 05:02 PM

Yes, Amos-you are entirely correct, and I apologize if I inadvertently lowered the tone of the Mudcat to a level which it has not previously plumbed. I can only attribute my misunderstanding of the tone and tenor of her response to those rude and inappropriate remarks made by that latter-day Dorothy Parker to trans-Altantic language difficulties. I clearly mistook one word, used in all innocence by Ms Rutledge in all of her Imperial splendor, for the same word having an entirely different meaning here among the unlettered.

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Amos
Date: 12 Dec 03 - 04:51 PM

Ms Rutledge is clearly pissed off, but I see no information to indicate she is knocked up, which is very different both operationally and prepositionally.

Dear Penelope, please excuse the roughage around the edges of our forum. It is very hard to get good help ay more, as I am sure you have experienced.

Kindest regards to yourself and Captain West, and we look forward to confirmation of the rumors regarding your imminent change of status over in Twillingsgate. Remember, should you become over-burdened with society's insistence on form over substance, you can always come to California where we do it the other way around.

Very best regards,

A

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 Dec 03 - 04:45 PM

LOL! GUEST, if you find yourself driven towards the horrors of self-abuse by the very tame material in this thread, I think you really ought to check out...

japanesegirls.com

And other such sites...

The resultant shock would probably reduce you to a quivering heap of incoherence, and render you incapable of further net surfing for at least 6 months.

Be thankful, GUEST, for small favours, and stop skulking around the edges of this forum like some nameless counterpart of Chuchundra the Muskrat, so terrified that he can never venture out of the shadows into the pool of light at the center of the room (see the writings of Rudyard Kipling - "Rikki Tikki Tavi" - for explanation of the Chuchundra reference).

Friends, I think Ms Rutledge has really blown a gasket this time, and I can understand why. Let us hope it does not cause her to permanently abandon this forum, as she lends it a bit of much-needed class from time to time. Are you listening, Penelope? We need you here. There are so few good role models around these days...

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Skipjack K8
Date: 12 Dec 03 - 11:44 AM

Will someone please listen to the man, and delete his mastubatory (sic) rubbish. Honestly!

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,freds
Date: 12 Dec 03 - 11:39 AM

Good day!

We have noted the announcement of this happy and joyous occassion and wish to state that we will, most certainly, attend. We wish to accord Mrs. Rutledge-West every possible opportunity for genetically satisfactory reproduction. With this in mind, we will be at the "wedding" and will honor the two with the gift of an unhatched herithim so that their future together will be fruitful and filled with both sexual and asexual ectasy.

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST
Date: 12 Dec 03 - 05:30 AM

Oo's this stuck-up geezer - I woz jus offerin' to 'elp a lady wot seems to be in trouble. If I fancied a bit o' the old five fingered widow, I'd find sumfink a bit more sexy to do it over than this lot. Mindjer you're the one one who sounds like a bit of a Merchant Banker.

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST
Date: 12 Dec 03 - 05:04 AM

Would someone please delete this mastubatory rubbish.

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Dirty Old Git
Date: 12 Dec 03 - 04:59 AM

Pennie Luv, if you really are up the duff then I reckons I know someone wot can get yer sorted out for about a monkey. One of my friends in the retirement 'ome (more like a bleedin' slammer these days) is a lady called Elizabeth what has 'ad some medical experience - she worked in Boots until they caught 'er nickin' fings.
Any'ow she's got a magic touch wiv' one of them old-fashioned button 'ooks, athough she often uses a bit o' wire coat 'anger these days. Mindyer she got in a row wiv Matron last time caus she pinched the coat hanger out of the arial socket on 'er old jam-jar. Loose Liz is quite an expert on being up the duff an' all - it was a sorta occupational 'azzard in er ol' job.

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Little Hawk
Date: 11 Dec 03 - 11:58 PM

Mudcat: The place where people from all walks of life meet, who wouldn't even talk to each other under normal circumstances. :-)

Gotta love it.

Elvis, come to Orillia if you possibly can, and visit my friend, Johnny Death. He has a mint condition vinyl album of every single record you ever made, and he would give his eye teeth to meet you. No fooling. He's even got a china Elvis bust that looks you in the eye when you walk into the basement (where all those records are, along with thousands and thousands of others). You would feel right at home. Do it now.

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: khandu
Date: 11 Dec 03 - 11:20 PM

El!!! Good to hear from you again! After our conversation of last week, I am pleased to see that you have sobered up!

Also, I want to assure you that the Royal position of Pelvic Extroiadinaire is still open!

Your Hunka hunka,
Kk

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Elvis Presley
Date: 11 Dec 03 - 11:06 PM

I have not had the pleasure of meeting Miss Rutledge, but I would be happy to do so when I get the chance. She seems to be a real fine lady, and I know what them gossip columnists can be like.

Mississippi? Well, I haven't been there in a while.

Thank you very much.

Elvis

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: artbrooks
Date: 11 Dec 03 - 10:57 PM

Bee-dubya-ell, I note that Ms Rutledge has admitted that she has missed her period, and it has apparently been some time now since she has had one. Perhaps the estimate of a wedding within six months is an outside guess, and the happy couple has already anticipated (or is that consumated?) their marital bliss.

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge
Date: 11 Dec 03 - 10:28 PM

I meant to say above... "mattress" not "attress"...

Bee-dubya-ell, I decided to drop the period from "Ms" some time ago. I also decided to shorten my signing at the end of each post to just "* PR".

I hope these changes meet with your approval, because there isn't jolly well much you can do about it if they don't!

I am signing off now. Goodbye.

* PR

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge
Date: 11 Dec 03 - 10:14 PM

I heard about this from a friend, but I didn't believe it. Now I believe it.

Let me be perfectly frank when I say that you can all take a flying leap into Hades! There are days when I wish I had never heard of the Internet and this is definitely one of them.

I am going to tell you something about Pruella Tattle. She is the ugliest, most unmarriageable bit of dessicated, sallow, corporeal demon-effluent that ever wielded a pen in her clawlike hand. Why is she still a "miss" at 45? I'll tell you why. There are a great many stupid men in this town, but only a few who are irretrievably insane, and even they wouldn't have her! There is no clammy stone or wornout attress she will not look under, no limit to her mundane curiosity regarding other people's business. She is the living proof that those with the blackest hearts live the longest and talk the loudest, and get paid for doing it!

As for you, Amos, I can detect distinctions you haven't even dreamed of yet! You had best watch it, sir.

Miss "Q"? I am going to find you, and you will not like it when I do.

* PR

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 11 Dec 03 - 10:12 PM

These sudden marriage plans surely have nothing to do with...

No. Far be it from me to spread idle rumours about the fair Ms Rutledge's health.

Have you noticed that there is no period in "Ms Rutledge"?

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: khandu
Date: 11 Dec 03 - 10:10 PM

Q...did you say the "late" Elvis Presley???????

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: khandu
Date: 11 Dec 03 - 10:01 PM

"I suppose the fact that Khandu magically posts only 3 minutes after this momentous news hits the threads is purely a coincidence.."

Hmmmmmm ...is there a subtle implication here?

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Amos
Date: 11 Dec 03 - 09:53 PM

I suppose the fact that Khandu magically posts only 3 minutes after this momentous news hits the threads is purely a coincidence....Ah well. I am moved to wonder whether the illustrious Captain West -- that bloody toff!--is any warmer in the sack than he is in the barracks? And if so, will our esteemed Penelope detect the distinction?


A

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Miss "Q" of Twillingsgate
Date: 11 Dec 03 - 09:51 PM

Really? I wasn't aware that Mississippi had such an enlightened form of social development. When did it happen? Are you perhaps referring to the late Elvis Presley?

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: khandu
Date: 11 Dec 03 - 09:45 PM

& she was just given great honor by the King of Mississippi!!!

Subject: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Miss "Q" of Twillingsgate
Date: 11 Dec 03 - 09:42 PM

This from the Twillingsgate Herald, December 11, 2003:

It is no secret that Ms Penelope Rutledge has been seen much lately in the company of Captain Nigel West of the Coldstream Guards. Indeed the two of them dined only this Sunday last at the fashionable Vicar's Inn, the hub of the Twillingsgate social scene, where observers noted that our Ms Rutledge was in a very merry mood indeed, not surprisingly, as she was escorted by the dashing Captain West who took her out on the dancefloor as they whiled away the hours to the strains of Vivaldi, performed by the Vicar's Inn Ensemble.

I for one, dear readers, noted a heightening of colour in Ms Rutledge's cheeks, denoting, dare I say it, the rising of the ardent flames of romance!

And why not? Captain West is a rakishly handsome devil of a man, tall and dark, with features that bring to mind the heroes of yore popularized in the great Victorian novels of such as H. Ryder Haggard and Conan Doyle. (Sir John Roxton comes to mind...)

Well, my pretties, that is not all! I have it on good authority (from a source I cannot reveal) that Ms Penelope will shorty announce her engagement to be married!

This promises to be the biggest event in Twillingsgate since the notorious Malcolm Buggeroll incident or if not that, the end of World War II, and I can assure you that the Twillingsgate Herald will be there every step of the way to provide you with each new tantalizing revelation as it unfolds.

Ms Rutledge adroitly avoided answering any of my questions by saying, "Really, Miss Tattle, don't you have an assassination to attend somewhere? Or perhaps a graverobbing that needs doing?" She has such a dry sense of humour does our Penelope...

I noted that Winston Wellington-Jones was in his typically dark and sardonic mood, sitting at his favourite table, glowering, and downing an endless round of dacquiris. I was unable to elicit any useful comments from him other than,

"Oh. Still alive, are you, Pruella? Damn shame."

and..."Look at that bloody toff!" (this last remark referring to Captain West, I assume).

When I asked him to expand on that, and share his real thoughts with the readers, he said something I cannot repeat in a family newspaper and then refused to further acknowledge my existence. I expect he shall come to his senses and apologize within a day or so...or else the moon shall turn blue and I'll catch it in my hat and keep it in a thimble on the mantle. The one is about as likely as the other.

I suggest that anyone who has the time look up the available information on the Coldstream Guards, the oldest regular regiment in the British Army, at http://www.army.mod.uk/coldstreamguards/

Ms Rutledge appears to have finally found herself a suitable match, and to be headed toward marital bliss within less than six months, I predict. Yes, you heard it here! A spring/summer wedding for Twillingsgate that will galvanize the community is only short months away.

Stay tuned!

- Miss Pruella Tattle, Twillingsgate Herald "All the news that's fit to print, and a bit more besides."