BS: Improper uses of toilet paper

Subject: BS: Improper uses of a linen roller towel?
From: Peace
Date: 08 Oct 04 - 10:16 PM

This was prompted by something Charmion wrote on another thread:

What are the improper uses of a linen roller towel?

This is a thread for FUN. Just the flax, ma'am, just the flax.

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: open mike
Date: 08 Oct 04 - 10:32 PM

of course if you t.p. someone's house or yard..
decorating like crepe paper... (t.p.=toilet paper)
a trick often seen around halloween.

a proper use, though non-traditional, is to
spread t.p. in a line on the ground and use
it to simulate fire for hose and nozzle training
exercises foir fire fighters...you spray the
paper and it dissolves!

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Bobert
Date: 08 Oct 04 - 10:47 PM

New or used?

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: frogprince
Date: 08 Oct 04 - 11:33 PM

Now wait a minute; is this about linen roller towels, or about toilet paper? I truly hope no one here gets one mixed up with the other; if so, I wouldn't want to be the next person in that rest room; everyone repeat after me:the number one improper use of a linen roller towel is to use it as toilet paper!

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: GUEST
Date: 08 Oct 04 - 11:46 PM

The S.A. protocol....(into the trash-can) is more econmical and environmentally friendly than the European wipe/flush method.

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: frogprince
Date: 08 Oct 04 - 11:59 PM

Whatever floats yer boat; I first heard about the "S.A.protocal" a couple of years ago, and can't warm to the idea of all THAT setting there freshening the surrounding air and breeding E.Coli and whatever else...

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 09 Oct 04 - 12:59 AM

Sorry to be serious for a moment - "The S.A. protocol"?!!

Giving a roll to a kitten or a puppy to play with...

As much fun as giving full box of tissues to a baby to play with - they make a lovely noise as you take then out... My mother insisted on folding them all up and packing them into the box after my little brother played that game...

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 09 Oct 04 - 01:37 AM

Ah.... toilet paper flowers. That brings back memories! Making lots of them to put on a string like a lei.... spilling juice on them and getting papier mache on our clothes.....

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Peace
Date: 09 Oct 04 - 02:16 AM

Used to make carnations with kleenex when I was a kid. They looked like petunias to me, but everyone told me they were carnations. Kleenex and a bobby pin. And lipstick. (I came from a strange family.)

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Peace
Date: 09 Oct 04 - 03:33 AM

Wouldn't be good to use toilet paper as a fan belt.

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 09 Oct 04 - 07:37 AM

Well I reckon that Bronco stuff (Izal to some users) would do it, it sure isn't any use as toilet paper!

Brucie - Did you cut your carnations edges with pinking shears to get the zig zag edge? We used marker pens, but blue carnations never really looked right.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 09 Oct 04 - 10:21 AM

"We all wear a pink carnation!"

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 09 Oct 04 - 11:25 AM

I take the view that once you've bought it, its your toilet paper to do what you like with.

Wasn't it Shakespeare who said, alls fair in love and toilet paper.

If somebody offers to publish your music and the contract is on toilet paper, you've probably found an honest publisher. Not a good publisher, just honest.....

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Tig
Date: 09 Oct 04 - 12:15 PM

Can't do it these days but the old fashioned translucent stuff made excellent tracing paper. Kept us happy for hours!

(Mind you, you can still buy it .....wonder what FC would say if she had THAT in the loo :-) )

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: jacqui.c
Date: 09 Oct 04 - 02:18 PM

Writing politicians' speeches.

Strategic padding for the less well endowed of both sexes.

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Peace
Date: 09 Oct 04 - 03:22 PM

Liz,

You are yet a young gal, and when I did that stuff as a kid--which was fifty years ago--we may have used normal straight-edged pinking shears (I am calling them that because I never could spell sissers, scisors, scissers, scissores, scsissors, siscissers, scissoers). We had crayons when I was a kid, but markers didn't then exist (to my knowledge).

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Raedwulf
Date: 09 Oct 04 - 05:06 PM

Tig - "Ouch!" probably.

Ixel was one of the brand names, I think. I seem to remember that a male friend (Druid was his name, I know not why...)) of my sister once wrote her a lengthy letter on the stuff! Unused, I hasten to add!!

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 09 Oct 04 - 06:53 PM

I think they should bring back hanging for those people who leave on the roll, just enough paper (about 2.5 sheets) to cover the roll, but not enough to expose the cardboard inner, thus creating the illusion that there is still enough paper there.

Bastards, the lot of 'em.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Peace
Date: 09 Oct 04 - 07:07 PM

You tell 'em, Liz.

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Little Hawk
Date: 09 Oct 04 - 07:13 PM

And what about those who leave just the cardboard roll?

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Peace
Date: 09 Oct 04 - 07:20 PM

. . . and people who fart and don't leave anything but the elastic band.

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Mary in Kentucky
Date: 09 Oct 04 - 07:29 PM

A proper use:

ROLL TOOMER'S CORNER

or send an electronic postcard - click on picture to enlarge...link to Toomer's Corner in Auburn Alabama - War Eagle!

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Peace
Date: 09 Oct 04 - 07:39 PM

Mary,

Just went to the link. That has gotta be--other than reincarnation--the ultimate in recycling.

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Mary in Kentucky
Date: 09 Oct 04 - 08:49 PM

It's quite a tradition, and fun too. I think you can buy a roll for $2 just in case you came to the party unprepared!

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Peace
Date: 09 Oct 04 - 08:59 PM

Never without me roll of TP. NEVER!

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: s6k
Date: 09 Oct 04 - 09:04 PM

a very improper use, would be as a handkerchief... after it has fulfilled its original use, of course.

now THAT would be improper...

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Peace
Date: 09 Oct 04 - 09:05 PM

Perish the thought!

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: SINSULL
Date: 09 Oct 04 - 09:10 PM

A fairly new development here in the States is a package of aloe moistioned (SP?) flushable towels. Nice to give the face a quick wipe on a hot day too.

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 09 Oct 04 - 10:33 PM

The James Bond Toilet paper - in several grades...

007,
006,
005,
004,
003,
002,
001,







and

















GOLD FINGER!

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Peace
Date: 09 Oct 04 - 10:46 PM

My gawd.

Mommy, he's back.

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Little Hawk
Date: 09 Oct 04 - 10:49 PM

Never attempt to escape out the 3rd, 4rth, 5th, 6th, 7th, etc. story of a burning building by lowering yourself from the bathroom window while hanging on to the toilet paper roll.

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Peace
Date: 09 Oct 04 - 10:58 PM

But if you do, hold on real tight.

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Little Hawk
Date: 09 Oct 04 - 11:06 PM

One thing you can say in its favour...this is a very FAST escape technique!

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Peace
Date: 09 Oct 04 - 11:17 PM

Hey, use the TP to wrap LH's squerril, squirele, skwerell,
sqkwerl, squerielle--rodent.

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: s6k
Date: 10 Oct 04 - 06:05 AM

HAHAHAHA! that almost makes me want to jump out my bedroom window holding onto some toilet roll... to see if it works

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Micca
Date: 10 Oct 04 - 06:21 AM

In the University I worked for in the early 70's above the TP dispenser in one cubicle appered a very netly lettered sign saying
"Sociology degrees, please take one, only one per candidate"

Subject: Improper uses of thread titles
From: Mr Red
Date: 10 Oct 04 - 06:55 AM

well????

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 10 Oct 04 - 09:27 AM

Micca, they say that about the University of Southern Queensland - which has a secret campus in Dubai - and also the Queensland University of Technology - the University you have when you don't have a real University.

USQ managed to come to notice when their Journalism Dept posted gibberish on the web page for the Dept's info page... Something to do with auto-generating web pages via scripts from Word Doucments... hehehehe!

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Oct 04 - 05:16 PM

That's how I escaped from the vixens who were holding me captive in New York City. I tied the toilet paper to the leg of the bed and slid down it to the street. This was okay, even if it was thirty stories of sliding, but I didn't know that it was "old" TP. I slid down that paper faster'n shit through a goose, so to speak. The folks on the sidewalk below helped me to escape, in fact they were pushing me away so that I'd get away faster.

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Peace
Date: 11 Oct 04 - 03:53 PM

Squerral, sguireal, skquweral, rodent bait.

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Little Hawk
Date: 11 Oct 04 - 03:54 PM

SQUIRREL!

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Charley Noble
Date: 11 Oct 04 - 05:33 PM

A verse from "The Folksinger's Lament" is also illustrative:

I scribbled it down on the back of a sheet,
That I tore from the roll as I sat on the seat,
In the back of the club where them folksingers meet,
And 'tis not what I'd sing 'twas I sober.

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Peace
Date: 11 Oct 04 - 05:36 PM

SQUIRELL. Got it. Thanks.

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Peace
Date: 11 Oct 04 - 05:39 PM

Jaysus, ya don't have to tell me thirty-six times.

SQUIRELL
SQUIRELL
SQUIRELL
SQUIRELL
SQUIRELL
SQUIRELL

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: GUEST,Luke in Toronto
Date: 11 Oct 04 - 05:43 PM

Some guy tried that toilet paper escape from the CN tower observation deck once, but the roll turned out not to be long enough, so it came off the cardboard roll and the poor guy got killed. Dumb move, eh? I think they ought to legislate longer toilet paper rolls so this won't happen again.

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Peace
Date: 11 Oct 04 - 05:48 PM

Sounds like a plan. Or next time he should use the non-serated kind, industrial strength.

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Peace
Date: 11 Oct 04 - 05:49 PM

Well, not the next time for him. But the next time for the next guy. YOU know.

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Little Hawk
Date: 11 Oct 04 - 05:50 PM

Good thinking there, brucie. With brains like yours and mine in charge here, how can this country go wrong?

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Peace
Date: 11 Oct 04 - 05:57 PM

Together, with all of us working together and thinking together and problem solving together, we can learn to spell squirell. Next we can all work on CHIPMONK. There is no end in sight. Just like the industrial rolls.

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Peace
Date: 11 Oct 04 - 05:59 PM

. . . and jerbulls.

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: GUEST,Richard H
Date: 11 Oct 04 - 07:41 PM

My big brother used to stuff toilet paper in the key-hole when he was in the bedroom with his girlfriend, which I found frustrating and improper.

Also it is improper when people bring out cake and sandwiches and put a half-used roll of TP on the table, claiming they've run out of tissues. One is never sure where the other half was used. However, only English people do this as far as I know.

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Little Hawk
Date: 11 Oct 04 - 07:54 PM

No, other people do it too. Look, it's tissue paper, okay?

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Mark Cohen
Date: 11 Oct 04 - 08:07 PM

Luke, I always suspected you Canadians were a couple of cents short of a two-dollar bill. If the roll wasn't long enough, all the poor schmo had to do was roll it back up and then try it again with a bigger roll. Jeez, Louise, do we have to tell you guys everything?

My favorite improper use was by one of my medical school professors, who used toilet paper to pick his medical residency program. He and a buddy picked up a sample of t.p. from the residents' lounge at every hospital they interviewed at. Then, as he told it, "We went back home and wiped our asses with every one, and then we decided to go to the one with the softest paper. We figured that if a hospital cared enough about its residents to give them soft toilet paper, that was the place for us."

Aloha,
Marak

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Oct 04 - 08:55 PM

I wouldn't have been able to escape except that the roll was two-ply. I seperated the plys (plies?), tied them together, and away I went!

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Peace
Date: 12 Oct 04 - 12:27 AM

You are gonna earn the nickname, McGiver.

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Peace
Date: 12 Oct 04 - 12:31 AM

Little break here.

Guy walks into a butcher shop and says, "Give me a pound of kidley." Butcher says, "What?" Guy says, "Give me a pound of kidley." Butchers again says, "WHAT?" Guys yells, "GIVE ME A POUND OF KIDLEY!" Butchers says, "You mean kidney, don't you?" Fellow responds, "That's what I said, diddle I?"

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 12 Oct 04 - 04:25 AM

Then of course, there is Gervase's method of filling a tankard, or 'the Folkies T.P. carrier' in finest pewter with convenient carrying handle.

Sorry.

I'll get me wellies.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Gervase
Date: 12 Oct 04 - 04:35 AM

Gloomy Bob Merritt (RIP) once came up with an impromptu dirge in the Middle Bar at Sidmouth when I got a roll of Izal stuck in my tankard.
It was a traumatic moment - I'd just arrived at the Anchor after a five-hour drive and was gagging for a a pint. The frustration when I realised that it was easier to stick the bog roll in than to get it out must have been palpable, and it wasn't long before poor Gerry Milne was left manfully singing "To the lifeboats..." while everyone else snorted at the desperado at the bar battling with a pot-bellied tankard.
By the time I'd extracted the bog roll, filled the pot properly and apologised to Gerry the twig had passed to Bob, who immediately immortalised the event with a suitably gloomy song.

None of which as bad as the British Army way with bog paper, I suppose. You're taught to tear off a corner and put it somewhere safe, then stick your finger through the middle and digitally clean the offending area, then pull the paper off over the finger, removing the contamination. The corner saved earlier is for cleaning out the crap under the fingernail!

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: el_punkoid_nouveau
Date: 12 Oct 04 - 07:47 AM

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh - good ol' Izal Medicated!

The best goddam tracing paper in teh universe! (Made the crappest (pardon the pun) TP, but who's counting!).

epn

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Oct 04 - 08:31 AM

Folks back where I came from used the same method of conserving toilet paper during the Depression. Also the local newspaper, corn cobs, rose bush stems, and thistles.

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 12 Oct 04 - 09:19 AM

It was a bus ticket when I heard the story.
I've got a roll of Izal stuck in my tankard - that s quite poetic

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Peace
Date: 12 Oct 04 - 10:07 AM

Yeah, yeah. The Depression. We had it tough in the 1950s. Glossy magazines. Think about it.

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: freda underhill
Date: 12 Oct 04 - 10:14 AM

In sydney some people at the markets sell toilet paper with our prime minister's face printed on each square.

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: JennyO
Date: 12 Oct 04 - 10:57 AM

Now THAT's what I call a PROPER use of toilet paper! That'll wipe the grin off little johnnie's face - heh heh!

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Oct 04 - 11:01 AM

Actually, brucie, we were so poor when I was growing up that we had to use bits of cardboard boxes we'd salvage from the dump. We thought that glossy magazines were only used by rich folks.

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 12 Oct 04 - 07:30 PM

Ive still got the squeaky animal toys of Howard, Hanson & Beazley...

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Peace
Date: 12 Oct 04 - 07:33 PM

Oh, yeah, Rap? We were so poor that we had to use BOTH SIDES of the paper, even for #2.

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Oct 04 - 07:39 PM

Oh yeah, brucie? We had to use both sides, the four edges, and the inside as well. And then my mother washed it so we could use it over again.

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Peace
Date: 12 Oct 04 - 08:40 PM

Oh, yeah? Well, we didn't even HAVE a toilet. We used our personal supper bowls and then go bury the remains before the wolves found out where we were!

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Oct 04 - 09:57 PM

Wolves? Wolves are wimps compared to the Utahraptors and the velociraptors WE had to put up with!

Why, every morning we'd have to fight through packs of them just to walk the 57 miles each way to school, uphill both ways through snow up to our chins, barefoot over shards of broken ice, our feet bleeding and raw, the only protection on the soles of our feet our own frozen blood! And if we killed one, we ate it on the spot because it was the only breakfast we had! And with our bare hands, too, because we couldn't afford gloves, which hadn't been invented yet anyway. In fact, we always walked to school naked -- nobody could see us with the snow up to our chins -- to save our clothes from wearing out too fast. I remember one year when we couldn't get cardboard and used icicles all year.

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Peace
Date: 12 Oct 04 - 10:01 PM

Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: frogprince
Date: 12 Oct 04 - 10:02 PM

Sears Roebuck and Montgomery Ward catalogs came free when I was growing up, so we didn't have to use corn cobs, icicles, or thistles; but we were so poor my sis got tired of washing tampons and hanging them out to dry for next time.

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Peace
Date: 12 Oct 04 - 10:07 PM

Oh, yeah?

One day on the way to school my friends and I had to fight. It was 24 against 3. The fight waged for over a half an hour, maybe two halfs an hour. We battled mightily. The blood and gore was awful. But, eventually we won. They we the toughest 3 guys we ever fought.

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: dianavan
Date: 13 Oct 04 - 02:24 AM

Awhile back I agreed to help an ex-con adjust to society after being in prison for a very long time. So much had changed, he needed coaching in almost every aspect of normal day to day living.

One day we went grocery shopping. I called out for him to get a couple of rolls of toilet paper. He was gone for quite awhile so I searched the aisles. He was staring at the vast selection and didn't know which kind to buy. I told him to grab the recyled t.p.

His eyes went very wide. He cried out in alarm, "They even recycle toilet paper?!"

Of course I meant the t.p. made from recycled paper.

d

P.S. The guy finally adjusted to life on the outside and went on to rcv. a degree in Political Science.

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: GUEST,noddy
Date: 13 Oct 04 - 04:38 AM

in my student days long long ago a friend sent his girl friend a letter written telling her she was dumped. her reply was on toilet paper it said................... "wish you were here"

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 13 Oct 04 - 08:11 AM

I knew a guy who broke up with a girl, and the way he did it was to send her a parachute...

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Oct 04 - 08:48 AM

Yeah. Go ahead, I dare you. But you better check your insurance before you do.

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 13 Oct 04 - 09:53 AM

Corn cobs? Oooooooooooooh!

I like the bit in 'Ice cold in Alex' - when the lady (Sylvia Sims) asks one of the men where he goes to with the shovel every evening...

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Peace
Date: 13 Oct 04 - 10:26 AM

Oh, yeah? We had to use steam.

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: GUEST,Bill Kennedy
Date: 13 Oct 04 - 11:30 AM

toilet paper - the only thing that is both digital & analog

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Oct 04 - 03:33 PM

That's 'cause you were wimps and couldn't stand a little cold and snow!

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Peace
Date: 13 Oct 04 - 03:49 PM

Oh, yeah?

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Oct 04 - 05:19 PM

Yeah! And here's
a picture of my brother and his pet to prove it! So there!

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 13 Oct 04 - 05:55 PM

That is one well trained mammoth - how did you get him to use that big litter tray?

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Improper uses of toilet paper
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Oct 04 - 05:59 PM

A lot of patience, a lot of love, a lot of beatings....

The worst part was arranging the snow and dyeing it green so that it looked like is twas warm out.