BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!

Subject: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 11:03 AM

I've noticed that posts written by primates tend to draw intemperate and unreasonable attacks by various abusive individuals on this forum, and I wish it would stop. As a proud chimpanzee who has led a productive and useful life bustin' criminals in the greater Chicago area and serving the cause of justice I feel that I deserve better than to be singled out and treated like a stereotype by various people who basically just hate apes! What have apes ever done to you? Did we put you in cages? No. Did we force you to perform demeaning circus acts in front of rubes and hayseeds and pay you peanuts for doing it? No. I'm really getting tired of all the prejudice, and I would appreciate it if people would just tone down the vitriol a little and act reasonable.

And I am makin' no apologies for being single. I just ain't found "Miss Right" yet.

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 11:32 AM

Well, try this little experiment, Mr. Chimp:

Put a member of your species in one cage. Put a member of Homo Sapiens in an adjoining cage. Wait and see which one will be first to fling poo at the other. I'll guarantee you it'll be the chimp every time unless the human just happens to be a politician.

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 12:07 PM

Having read your original post, I'm not at all surprised that you're still single!
Giok ;~)

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: Peace
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 02:01 PM

Ever see, "Every Which Way but Loose."?

We gotta get the ape laid.

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: GUEST,Bright Eyes Taylor
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 02:14 PM

It's a Mad House! A MAAAAAD HOUSE!!

Take your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty ape!

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: Peace
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 02:16 PM

BET: Are ya fer us or agin' us? Let's get Chongo laid.

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: GUEST,Bright Eyes Taylor
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 02:18 PM

You cut out his brain, you bloody baboon!

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: Peace
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 02:20 PM

Settle down Jack. This is about Chongo. Who needs a brain to get laid?

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: pdq
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 02:21 PM

Dang! It's Christmas and I can't find my record by the Hairy Simian Coral.

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: GUEST,Bright Eyes Taylor
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 02:24 PM

Oh, there were women, lots of women...
Lots of love-MAKING...

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 02:42 PM

I hear you get well laid down the funeral parlour, perhaps that's the place for you Chongo my hairy friend.
Giok

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: Once Famous
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 02:46 PM

Chongo, it's just a question that we here in Chicago have zero tolerance for one who's whole body is covered with pubic hair.

Of course except for that bulbous pink baboon ass.

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 05:22 PM

Humph. About what I expected. What a bunch of lowlifes and bindle-stiffs. I've met nicer people at the wrong end of a sap or a smoking gat than you empty-headed clowns. I hope I run across you in some crummy dive, Martin, so I can rearrange your ugly face and make you look more presentable for when you get your next snapshot taken by the local vice squad. Matter of fact, I think I seen your mug shot down at the post office the other day. Talk about ugly! I pity your poor wife.

Brucie - You don't need a brain to get laid in Chicago. Trust me. Total idiots get laid in Chicago as regular as clockwork. After all, Martin Gibson has managed it somehow (I assume) and that clinches it.

Bright Eyes - You been readin' Liberty Meadows by any chance? My favorite comic magazine, baby! Liberty Meadows can't be beat. Frank Cho is damn smart for a human.

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: Peace
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 05:24 PM

Chongo: Getting laid is not an art.

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: Once Famous
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 05:31 PM

Right, Chongo. Worry about those scorching farts you emanate first and then getting laid should just come naturally.

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: Peace
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 05:32 PM

Chongo needs his oil changed! Chongo needs his oil changed!

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: GUEST,Magenta, a little teary..
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 06:12 PM

Chongo, I remember, I remember your big toothy grin. And your hands - hands to warm a woman's .. heart. big hands, strong hands, hands a woman can feel. And the banana – how can I ever forget the night you offered it to me?

You whispered a beautiful poem in my ear, and I was yours, all yours..

There are sparkles of rain on the bright
Hair over your forehead;
Your eyes are wet and your lips
Wet and cold, your cheek rigid with cold.
Why have you stayed
Away so long, why have you only
Come to me late at night
After walking for hours in wind and rain?
Take off your dress and stockings;
Sit in the deep chair before the fire.
I will warm your feet in my hands;
I will warm your breasts and thighs with kisses.
I wish I could build a fire
In you that would never go out.
I wish I could be sure that deep in you
Was a magnet to draw you always home...

Chongo, I'm waiting, waiting. I wouldn't just drop you for some other ape. I'm still thinking of you. Australia is a long way away, but I need you now. When are you coming?

Your ever faithful sweetheart

Magenta

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 07:06 PM

Chongo,

No apologies necessary here. I remember how you saved Chicago from the Nazis and I think everyone should be greatful. I know Magentas waiting for you in Australia. You got the ticket. You were on the plane. What happened?

I get the feeling a friend of mine is probably going to need a hand. And big strong hairy hands are always the best!

Hang in there!

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: Peace
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 07:07 PM

No doubt.

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: GUEST,Peter Woodruff
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 07:16 PM

Chongo Chimp, You are right you are sorry and I'm sorry for you.

Peter

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: GUEST,Ape girl
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 07:19 PM

Chongo,

Get fucked. You need it.

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 07:32 PM

Yeah, right. Thanks much for the advice, Ape girl, and the same to you! Awright, you sorry lot of greasers, mendicants, and left-handed pickle-pullers, you heard the lady...Magenta, I am on my way! I just gotta get the tommygun through Australian customs somehow...

Thanks for the vote of confidence, Chief. You will always rate high in my book.

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 06 Dec 04 - 05:53 AM

Chongo I thought I saw your name on the wrapper of a loaf of bread the other day, but when I looked again I realised it said 'Thick Cut'
Giok ;^)

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 06 Dec 04 - 06:07 AM

Hey, I'm left handed but I've never pulled a pickle - I use a fork, it's easier to get a good grip....

Of course, the hardest part is getting the lid off.....

I'm sorry you're simian too... I like the hairy ones best and it sounds like we could be good together... but I just don't interspecies date... not since 1986 anyway.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: Cluin
Date: 06 Dec 04 - 09:45 AM

Chongo just needs to find himself a nice Bonobo girl. She'll file off his corners for him.

Just don't get too bent out of shape when rolls over for the next primate that comes along. It's nothing personal; it's just how they say hello.

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 06 Dec 04 - 11:10 AM

Just how they say hello? Wow... how the heck to they say 'I love you'?!!!

I want to be a Bonobo if reincarnation is the thing... or a pig... Pigs get 20-30 minute orgasms..... but lions can do it up to 40 times a day.... decisions, decisions.......

AAAAAAAAAAAaarrrrghhhh!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: Peace
Date: 06 Dec 04 - 01:34 PM

Chongo is like in dire need of an oil change.

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 06 Dec 04 - 02:21 PM

Certainly has a problem with his dipstick!
Giok

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: Peace
Date: 06 Dec 04 - 03:02 PM

Dipstick?

Are you saying that Chongo needs lipstick on the dipstick?

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 06 Dec 04 - 04:42 PM

I've been trying to grasp the concept of a 20-30 minute orgasm (reputed to happen for pigs). I just can't fathom it...

Sounds good though. If you can get through it without suffering heart failure.

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: Peace
Date: 06 Dec 04 - 04:43 PM

Would the CPR people identify themselves at this point in case the ape needs that?

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 06 Dec 04 - 05:49 PM

Defibrillator yes; mouth to mouth NO!!
Giok

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: Peace
Date: 06 Dec 04 - 05:50 PM

You, sir, are skipping the part that Chongo likes.

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 06 Dec 04 - 08:02 PM

Don't look at me.. my heart is dodgy enough thank you very much!!!

I mustn't be excited, so no pigs for me in the afterlife!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 06 Dec 04 - 08:13 PM

a monkey who can write....!

Not all the people in our village can do that.

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: Peace
Date: 06 Dec 04 - 08:14 PM

Yeah, but they're probably gettin' laid and Chongo ain't.

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 Dec 04 - 01:08 AM

I think I should point out on Chongo's behalf that chimps are NOT monkeys. They're apes. There's a difference.

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: GUEST,SueB
Date: 07 Dec 04 - 01:48 AM

Look, I don't care if you're simian and single, why some of my best friends are simian and single, clearly I am an openminded sort, but not everybody is as openminded as me, so the thing to do, Chongo baby, would be to follow the advice of our esteemed former president (who by the way had no trouble at all getting his rocks off from what I can tell) when he said:

DON'T ASK - DON'T TELL.

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 07 Dec 04 - 04:18 AM

But DO make sure you have a good dry-cleaner nearby.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 07 Dec 04 - 05:26 AM

So does that mean Chongo should ape the behaviour of a certain William Jefferson Clinton? Wouldn't Hillary go ape? Should Monica have hollered APE!

I go ape every time I see you smile
I'm a ding dong gorilla, and I'll carry you caveman style
When you hold my hand
I'm a prehistoric man
I GO APE


Giok

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: GUEST,Magenta
Date: 07 Dec 04 - 05:58 AM

Chongo, please ignore these yobbos. I know that what important, is your big








heart. and its mine, all mine..
I'm waiting for you, babe. ps - the defibrillator - is that like a lie detector?

your girl.

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 07 Dec 04 - 06:11 AM

According to the wardens at the gorilla reserve where Dian Fossey was based, the larger apes are not particularly well endowed....


Explains a lot about some of my boyfriends.....

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 07 Dec 04 - 10:58 AM

I think Chongo wants a lay detector.
Giok ;~)

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 Dec 04 - 11:02 AM

LOL! Spaw, I sure hope as hell that you are reading this and getting some real culture and not wasting your time on windy analyses of the cultural relevance of Bob Dylan's writings or anything like that...

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 07 Dec 04 - 03:05 PM

Ape goes to the Drs....

Dr, I think I'm changing into a monkey....

Here, take two of these and simian the morning.

(well what do you expect at this time of day?!)

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 Dec 04 - 05:43 PM

What a tail of disaster...

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: pdq
Date: 07 Dec 04 - 11:22 PM

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
H. L. Mencken

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 08 Dec 04 - 05:01 PM

Damn straight!

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 08 Dec 04 - 05:32 PM

Is that a declaration or a cry of anguish?

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 08 Dec 04 - 05:37 PM

Heh! Funny, funny...

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: GUEST
Date: 08 Dec 04 - 05:42 PM

Chongo would do better in the bonobo cage if he really wants to get laid. Over there it's "make love not war." Chimps are inferior when it comes to sexual expression....Bonnie Bonobo, satisfied primate

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry I'm simian and single!
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 09 Dec 04 - 11:17 AM

Pygmy chimpanzees or bonobos - which some scientists call man's closest relative - have declined by 80 per cent as a result of rampant hunting in the Congo Basin, the World Wide Fund For Nature, said yesterday
The bonobo, whose multi-partner sexual antics have been used to challenge the idea of male supremacy in evolution, is much less widespread than the chimpanzee and its population was formerly estimated at about 50,000.
Preliminary results of the first detailed survey of a known bonobo stronghold found only limited evidence that they were living there. Current estimates now place the bonobo population closer to 10,000.
The survey was conducted in the Democratic Republic of Congo in the Salonga National Park, a protected area the size of Holland. No live bonobos were encountered and sightings of nests and dung were only made in a quarter of the area surveyed, at lower densities than previously measured.
There was, however, ample evidence of human encroachment into the park and of poaching.
''If these findings are mirrored across the park we can kiss goodbye to our closest relative,'' said Callum Rankine, the senior international species officer for WWF-UK.

Well Chongo it looks like your chances get less day by day, but rest assured it happens to other species too.
Giok