BS: Mid Life Crisis Experience

Subject: BS: Mid Life Crisis Experience
From: GUEST,At a crossroads
Date: 10 Dec 04 - 11:31 AM

Hi

I'm a member but I'm going for the anonimity here.

I find that I'm at a bit of a crisis point in my life and I just wanted to know how many people had been here and see what they had done to move on.

A couple of years ago my long term partner left me for a woman who was nearly 20 years his junior. They very quickly had a child and live farily close by. His relationship with our daughter is somewhat fraught - largely due to the emotional immaturity of the woman involved. But we've coped with that. The last two years I have devoted ( emotionally mainly ) to getting my daughter through her education and she is now settled , studing at university and living at home. With help I am sorting out the house, aiming to sell and move to a more central location to reduce travelling and widen my circle of friends.   There you are, all sensibly handled and under control.

But ....

Because I no longer have to worry about my daughter, I know find I have to think about what I'm doing. It's always been sort of laid out and suddenly, given the odd family responsibilty I could do what I want. When I sell the house I'm going to rent for a lttle bit and have told my parents that I will then look to buy another house. But I'm not sure I want to take a large mortgage on. I am unengaged by what I'm doing at work and feel that I'm not putting anything back into society at large.

Anyone want to comment on how they coped with something similar themselves.

Subject: RE: BS: Mid Life Crisis Experience
From: Once Famous
Date: 10 Dec 04 - 11:34 AM

You can learn to play Mah Jong and hang out with my mother.

Subject: RE: BS: Mid Life Crisis Experience
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 10 Dec 04 - 11:47 AM

What did you really want to do back when you were in college? Were you going to join the Peace Corps, or be a park ranger or run a sheep farm and spin wool? Time to dust off those old dreams and reconsider them. But don't forget to set yourself up for retirement.

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: Mid Life Crisis Experience
From: Spot
Date: 10 Dec 04 - 02:27 PM

MG...
         Was that a serious suggestion re Mah Jong?

                  Regards to all ..Spot

Subject: RE: BS: Mid Life Crisis Experience
From: Once Famous
Date: 10 Dec 04 - 02:42 PM

My Mom plays Mah Jong 3 times a week with her old lady friends and she's happy.

It was meant tongue in cheek like about 99% of everything else I write below the line. Unfortunately there are some here (not inferring you, Spot) who get their tongue in their own butt cheek about what I write they are so meshugenah and uptight about life.

Subject: RE: BS: Mid Life Crisis Experience
From: Peace
Date: 10 Dec 04 - 02:57 PM

It seems you are calling not knowing what to do with yourself a "mid-life crisis". It would be a crisis regardless of your age. Hell, I'm 57, and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I expect to change occupations within the next twelve months--maybe move to a different place or continent. Will I miss what I have to leave behind? Maybe. In the grand scheme of things, however, we all walk our own path in this life. Don't be tied to 'things'. They are just things.

Subject: RE: BS: Mid Life Crisis Experience
From: GUEST,SueB
Date: 10 Dec 04 - 03:53 PM

Maybe it's not a "Crisis". Maybe it's a Midlife Opportunity, or A Second Chance, or a Clean Slate. Freedom!

Subject: RE: BS: Mid Life Crisis Experience
From: PoppaGator
Date: 10 Dec 04 - 04:10 PM

Sadly, for me and many others, "do whatcha wanna" and "set yourself up for retirement" are mutually exclusive directives. How 'bout you?

Hey, if money's not a problem, try hard not to let anything *else* be a problem that would stand in your way of persuing a dream.

Do you think loneliness will become an issue? Losing your partner (husband?) and then your daughter (only child?) in such quick succession is a pretty big lifestyle change. While you might feel good about it at first -- freer than before -- that good feeling might not last. It sounds like you're planning to move to a more central/populated area, which is probably good.

And you, Brucie -- you and I are the same age, chronologically and also, apparently, psychologically. Just like you, I can't wait to see what I become if and when I grow up.

Subject: RE: BS: Mid Life Crisis Experience
From: GUEST,At a crossroads
Date: 10 Dec 04 - 04:12 PM

Subject: RE: BS: Mid Life Crisis Experience
From: GUEST,at a crossroads
Date: 10 Dec 04 - 04:22 PM

sorry about the one above - internet at home so much slower than at work - i over clicked.

In a nutshell - its been a massive change over the last two years and it takes all your assumptions away. Its a problem to do what I want ( if I really knew what it was) and make sure that I'm set up for retirement which is a bit off yet.   Not desparate financially after buying my partner out of the house but not so comfortable that I could easily downsize.

The moving centrally will help to stave off loneliness - people have to be reasonably dedicated to come and visit me here. I have met new people over the last year who have made me think that there could be others for me long term.   But i was really just after other people's experiences. I can't help feeling that I have coped for the difficult time - why am i having trouble now?

I think I will have to add Mah Jong tomy list of thing to learn. Is it more logic or strategy as I'm much better at logic

Subject: RE: BS: Mid Life Crisis Experience
From: freda underhill
Date: 10 Dec 04 - 08:30 PM

hi whoever you are

i'm going through asimilar transition, but its lasting 5 years and has just mutated recently into a classic midlife crisis.

i left my long term relationship nearly 5 years ago. i did what Sue and SRS have suggested and looked at it as an opportunity. music, art and friends took up my time.i have been very busy, but retirement survival hit me a month ago as the great new mid life issue. i went to a financial advisor and poverty reality hit with a thump.

i am moving to another city tomorrow to a new job, and starting all over. will be commuting home on the weekends.

good luck - i'll be checking out the folk scene in Canberra, it will be my window into new connections.

best wishes

freda

Subject: RE: BS: Mid Life Crisis Experience
From: Bobert
Date: 10 Dec 04 - 09:14 PM

Well, I probably won't be much help here but I believe that things happen for a reason. Sometimes we don't understand at the time but as doors shut, others open...

I'm kinda thinkin' that you will get in closer to a population center and maybe take an evening course at the local college and from that some other things will open up for you...

It sounds like you live in the UK and I'm not too sure what the tax implications are there sghould you sell your house and not purchase another but you might want to check into them...

But, if I know nothing else. please refraim from terms like mid-life experience. It sounds way too cut and dried...

Try the word opportunity and...

now, go out and find it...

Bobert

Subject: RE: BS: Mid Life Crisis Experience
From: GUEST,John O'Lennaine
Date: 10 Dec 04 - 10:05 PM

When similar things happened to me I rearanged my first and middle names to the order I had always wanted them to be, and went for an open-ended trip around the world. It only lasted three years but that was enough for me to make the adjustment.

I agree with Bobert in that there is a reason for this happening now.

Give yourself permission to find the reason.

Subject: RE: BS: Mid Life Crisis Experience
From: dianavan
Date: 10 Dec 04 - 11:41 PM

Many of us have experienced the lack of direction that hits when the kids leave home. Everyone knows about 'empty nesters' but nobody (to my knowlege) has ever studied what happens to single parents when the last child leaves home. Its scary! For the last twenty years you have focussed on doing what was best for the children. Now, all of a sudden, you have to do what is best for yourself.

If you are anything like me, you have no idea what you really want or what is best for you. Take some time. Don't make any big changes just yet. Consider all of your options and then do what it is you have always wanted to do. Like Freda said, don't overlook your retirement needs. You may want to seek financial counselling and learn what investment options to consider.

Good luck

Subject: RE: BS: Mid Life Crisis Experience
From: artbrooks
Date: 11 Dec 04 - 12:06 AM

I'd say make a lifestyle break in addition to the moving. I retired 3 years ago, and went back to college. That's clearly not the best thing for everyone, or even practical if there are financial and other issues. I guess what I'm suggesting is, don't go elsewhere and try to do the same sort of things as you have been, but without the daughter and the rest of the support system. Do something different. As SRS said, is there a dream that you could return to, or a new dream you'd like to chase?

Subject: RE: BS: Mid Life Crisis Experience
From: Spot
Date: 11 Dec 04 - 03:08 AM

MG...
    Tongues and butt cheeks certainly not relevant to me here..Dunno what you mean by meshugenah!! Its just that I've been down the same road as Crossroads and know what its like. I lost everything after the demise of my first marriage...kids... house...job...lifestyle...my ex was having it away with a guy who purported to be my 'best mate' while they were on with it..The last thing I needed at the time was 'tongue in cheek' stuff or sweeping statements that seemed to trivialise my situation.It took me a good five years to come to terms with it. I dont want to get into another slanging match either....I just feel for Crossroads.I wonder if you've had any similar experiences?

             Regards to all....Spot      :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Mid Life Crisis Experience
From: Jeanie
Date: 11 Dec 04 - 03:53 AM

It's interesting that at least a couple of people on this thread have mentioned five years as being the timespan needed to recover from the end of a long-long-term relationship or marriage. The advice I was given on a divorce recovery course was that it takes around 5 years for you to regain an inner equilibrium, and also that during that time it's unwise to enter into any new relationships. Five years ! At the time, that sounded endless and downright ridiculous to me, but, five years on from my divorce, I see how very wise and true that is.

In other words.....it takes time for everything to settle. Things start to feel OK, then suddenly, out of the blue, you find yourself all shaken up and bewildered again, but gradually the spaces between those times of shaky uncertainty get longer and longer. That's been my experience, anyway. It's normal and natural to feel the way you do.

Something I've found is that one tentative step leads to another more positive one....and another....and another...maybe branching off into a totally different direction from the one you originally intended, but supported by all the steps taken before and therefore leaving you in no doubt that it is the right one for you. Give *voice* to your hopes and dreams. Tell people about them. Somehow, by telling other people, ambitions take on a greater force than if they are only swimming around in your thoughts.

With all good wishes for your big adventure,
- jeanie

Subject: RE: BS: Mid Life Crisis Experience
From: Ellenpoly
Date: 11 Dec 04 - 05:54 AM

My suggestion is only for you to see this as an opportunity to change what you might not be happy with about yourself or your living circumstances, and reevaluate what you might like to explore next.

Life really is a banquet, as Auntie Mame says. Time to wander the smorgasbord and pick what you'd like to try next!

..xx..e

Subject: RE: BS: Mid Life Crisis Experience
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 11 Dec 04 - 06:11 AM

Unlike a Folk performance, you cannot practice or rehearse a "Lifestyle". My marriage ended a year ago, since which I have moved away from the area I lived, renewed my Folk Club attendance which had ceased due to pressures of work and life in general, done some voluntary work for charity which gives me great reward as well as helps others, given more time to my family and friends, spent more time hunting for Antiques and collectables, which I love doing, done pretty much what I want as it takes me........One year later, I feel healed of the pain and know myself, my needs and my wants much better.
Give it time but try to work out some sort of "very loose" plan for yourself without doing anything you think MAY be detrimental or impulsive even.
If you are in the U.K, there are some organisations that will help if you struggle to cope on your own.
Hope all goes well for you
Best wishes, Mike.

Subject: RE: BS: Mid Life Crisis Experience
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 11 Dec 04 - 06:28 AM

Good advice. I've been through a couple of major life transitions myself- divorce, followed by the best relationship anyone could hope for (didn't wait 5 years, and I'm so glad I didn't- I just accepted the gift of the man who was given to me!) followed by widowhood. On the horizon is the next transition of children leaving the nest.

When I've had major changes, I've learned to take a "fallow time"- in old farming, a field would be left alone for a season or two, to let it regain the nutrients it needed, to give it a "rest" so it would be able to produce again. You may be in that fallow time. You will know when it's time to move on. You're already taking baby steps in that direction. Trust your own instinct, and learn to enjoy - savor- the process!

Blessings,

Allison

Subject: RE: BS: Mid Life Crisis Experience
From: GUEST
Date: 11 Dec 04 - 06:48 AM

Maybe you could study English, things such as the difference between infer and imply then share it with MG.

Subject: RE: BS: Mid Life Crisis Experience
From: GUEST,at crossroads
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 06:26 AM

I think I may have to take some sort of professional advice. Not so much financial ( investments now that's a bit of a laugh ) but career wise. I need to find something to work at that really interests me and I feel is useful and which doesn't involve me downsizing too much. If I don't change what I do now, I will end up with a large mortgage and no option but to continue as I am.   There's lots of adverts for Life coaches which don't appear to be what I need. Any one know the best way to approach this in the UK. Is there a clearing house somewhere to disaffected middle aged people ?

Subject: RE: BS: Mid Life Crisis Experience
From: Jeanie
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 08:49 AM

These people are worth a look: Outlook I've done two of their courses ('Outlook' and 'Essence'). They are very intensive, over a period of a few days each, but invaluable in giving a clear and positive perspective on who you are and where you want to go from here - in all aspects of life and living, not limited to work-wise.

I did 'Outlook' post-divorce and when I was not totally happy workwise and it helped to give me clarity. One of the activities on the course made it clear to me that I had to answer that nagging that had been going on in my head to become a drama teacher, and that it was something I could do very well. Uncannily (or maybe not), very soon afterwards, an opportunity to do just that came up, I took it and have never looked back. From your earlier posts, 'Crossroads', I have a feeling that there is something nagging away in your head, too, that you are yearning to do but have maybe not yet dared give voice to. A course like 'Outlook' winkles it out of you and spurs you on to do it !

All good wishes,
- jeanie

Subject: RE: BS: Mid Life Crisis Experience
From: Gervase
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 07:36 AM

Don't go near any prat calling himself/herself a 'life coach' - all they'll want to do is make you needy and make you pay!
Set yourself a challenge - try the Open University (it can be addictive and, with a daughter at university, competitive) or learn an instrument.
As for lifestyle choices, think long and hard before making any sort of change - it's very easy to 'downshift', but darned hard to climb back up if you later get second thoughts. If you do decide to downshift, do it with both eyes open and the realisation that whaterver path you take it's going to be hard work (often bloody exhausting) but can be the best thing you'll ever do. Time spent in constructive thought now won't be wasted - and if you want to know something, ask! Whatever path takes your fancy will have been travelled by others like yourself, so ask them before you make a step. The internet is a useful tool for that - there are forums and discussion groups on almost every subject under the sun (even folk and blues, so I've heard!) and among them you'll find good advice. You'll also find liars, dilletantes and bullshitters galore, but provided you keep a clear head and remain on the friendly side of sceptical, you should be OK.
Good luck, and safe journey!

Subject: RE: BS: Mid Life Crisis Experience
From: GUEST,At Crossroads
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 09:55 AM

Am aleady working on the learning an instrument. Unfortunately, the fellow teaching me has more problems that I have. Will stick with it because when his mind is clear ( or at least clearish) he is a wonderful teacher.

Realised that as a graduate of the local university, be it quite a long time ago, I can use their career service so I've been down and had a short chat with one of their guidance workers. Still don't know what I want to do but am going for a longer chat in January. Its left me strangely emotional about everything but at least I'm doing something.