Americans....

Subject: RE: Americans....
From: GUEST
Date: 06 Jul 05 - 12:44 AM

TO: The Citizens of the United States of America RE: Revocation of your Independence In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter Uwill be reinstated in words such as favour and neighbour, skipping the letter U is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise,you will learn to spell doughnut without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter Z(pronounced zed not zee) and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix burgh is pronounced burra e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as Pittsberg if you cant cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more bleeps in the Jerry Springer show. If youre not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldnt have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you wont have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter u and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isnt that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents? Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While were talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who cant cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you Im A Spammer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "$hit". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we dont believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are cr*p and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries arent even French; they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be Im A Spammerred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be Im A Spammerred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be Im A Spammerred to as "Near-Frozen Knats Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be Im A Spammerred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knats Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that youre not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If youre not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then youre not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. Its been driving us crazy. 16. Tax collectors from Her Majestys Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your cooperation Rt Hon David Blunkett Home Secretary ...

AHHA what yall think of this ;),no hard feelings America....

Subject: RE: Americans....
From: Peace
Date: 06 Jul 05 - 12:48 AM

Deja vu all over again. Cool.

That is a very humOurous piece of writing. Thank you, GUEST.

Subject: RE: Americans....
From: GUEST,GuerillaUnit
Date: 06 Jul 05 - 12:52 AM

ahha, ya no problem its pretty funny

Subject: RE: Americans....
From: Kaleea
Date: 06 Jul 05 - 01:08 AM

uh, Bubba, tel 'er Majestay, "rotza ruck!" Anyone who actually WANTS &/or SEEKS out the job of being in charge of the USA must be nutzo cracko!
However, with all the idiots who have been elected to office, we are still here. And we'll be here after bushlite finally gets relieved of duty.

Subject: RE: Americans....
From: Malcolm Douglas
Date: 06 Jul 05 - 01:09 AM

See also these earlier threads where the same old email circular has been posted for our (decreasing) amusement over the last 5 years or so:

BS: Just a laugh
BS: BUSH WINS yippee!!! BS: Notice to the American's
BS: Message from Australia
BS: So Who is Our New President?
BS: Notice of Revocation of Independance
BS: reinstatement of US colonial status
BS: Effective Immediatley

Subject: RE: Americans....
From: Peace
Date: 06 Jul 05 - 01:13 AM

The story was that John Cleese (Monty Python fame) wrote it, but that was never substantiated.

Subject: RE: Americans....
From: GUEST,GuerillaUnit
Date: 06 Jul 05 - 01:23 AM

"See also these earlier threads where the same old email circular has been posted for our (decreasing) amusement over the last 5 years or so:

BS: Just a laugh
BS: BUSH WINS yippee!!!<
BS: Notice to the American's
BS: So Who is Our New President?
BS: Notice of Revocation of Independance
BS: reinstatement of US colonial status
BS: Effective Immediatley"

well, i have a life....and i dont have as much time as u do on your hands to go look for all the posts matching this....

Subject: RE: Americans....
From: Malcolm Douglas
Date: 06 Jul 05 - 01:31 AM

That's the excuse time-wasters always use. Don't flatter yourself.

Subject: RE: Americans....
From: GUEST
Date: 06 Jul 05 - 01:32 AM

Avoid this GUEST. He has serious issues. Multiple identities and few brains.

Subject: RE: Americans....
From: GUEST
Date: 06 Jul 05 - 02:00 AM

ya u no cause this is my first post on this site...and how many people have more then 1 brain?Obviously no one...

Subject: RE: Americans....
From: Joe Offer
Date: 06 Jul 05 - 02:11 AM

If you find a list of clever things on the Internet that you think is amusing, chances are that somebody else found it before you and also found it amusing. Therefore, it does make sense to do a search before you copy-paste something like this here. If you don't have time to search before you post, then be forewarned that people are going to think you're pretty stupid if you post something that's been posted 15 times before - and Google says this one has been posted on the Internet 654 times.

Don't blame them for thinking of you that way. In fact, many people will think you're stupid even if you're the first one to post one of those damn lists here.

-Joe Offer-

Subject: RE: Americans....
From: Emma B
Date: 06 Jul 05 - 04:40 AM

Well I haven't been coming here since the year dot and I think it's hilarious!

While it is annoying that people don't look up the title, first lines etc of songs it is difficult to imagine how any normal non-obsessive person would find either the time or need to search for such varied titles as above

Why is it not time wasting to keep hectoring people if no-one makes anyone read this stuff anyways?

Subject: RE: Americans....
From: Joe Offer
Date: 06 Jul 05 - 05:25 AM

The people who post or e-mail these lists are most often lovely, sincere, innocent people. I'm sure they think they're doing something generous by sharing this wonderful thing they found on the Internet with all their friends. And I'm sure they don't understand how and why it Drives Me Fricking Crazy when I get this stuff dumped on me.

So, I know I should learn to be more polite....

-Joe Offer, apologetically (perhaps)-

Subject: RE: Americans....
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 06 Jul 05 - 05:54 AM

Actually...... Devon was a shire, being "A portion of Great Britain originally under the supervision of an earl; a territorial division, usually identical with a county, but sometimes limited to a smaller district; as, Wiltshire, Yorkshire, Richmondshire, Hallamshire."

Here's a pretty good explaination. Scroll down and you'll see that Devon was once referred to as Devonshire.

Dorset used to be one too, but their status was changed sometime before or during WWII.

LTS

Subject: RE: Americans....
From: artbrooks
Date: 06 Jul 05 - 06:18 AM

One (and the only) interesting thing about this is the number of times Im A Spammer is imbedded in it.

Subject: RE: Americans....
From: freda underhill
Date: 06 Jul 05 - 06:49 AM

ROTFLMAO - thanks, guest!

ps

On a tour of Australia, the Pope took a few days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing an English rugby jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark. As the Pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled up with three men wearing Wallabies rugby jerseys. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while the other two reached out and pulled the blue, semiconscious Pommie fan from the water. Then, using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat. Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there were some bitter hatreds between Australian and English rugby fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies, "Who was that?"

"It was the Pope" one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well" the harpooner said, "he may have access to God and his wisdom, but he doesn't know shit about shark fishing.
Is the bait holding up OK or do we need to get another one?"

Subject: RE: Americans....
From: jacqui.c
Date: 06 Jul 05 - 08:52 AM

Great one freda.

Subject: RE: Americans....
From: gnu
Date: 06 Jul 05 - 09:02 AM

Hehehehe. Now I have to change my shirt... I just managed to get my hand over my mouth before I spit my tea. That's the best one I've heard in a long time. I shall be telling that one more than a few times. Thanks Freda.

Subject: RE: Americans....
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 06 Jul 05 - 10:13 AM

And I think that one's been around a few times, with variations in who stands in as the shark (or whatever) bait. Making it an Englishman is lot better than some versions...

Nothing wrong with passing on good stuff we come across - it's how jokes travel, the same way songs do. But I think, when it's a cut and paste of a specific text, it's good manners to indicate so, and maybe give a link to the immediate source.

Subject: RE: Americans....
From: gnu
Date: 06 Jul 05 - 10:21 AM

Round here, it's a fellah's wife and lobsters... but the variation and delivery was excellent.

Subject: RE: Americans....
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 06 Jul 05 - 10:23 AM

I don't blame Malcolm Douglas for taking the time to look up the previous posts. It's the kind of thing I'd do, and have done several times (e.g. here and here).

I said once before, "A true folklorist would compare all those versions and see how they've evolved." It looks like ArtBrooks really did this time, and found the "I'm a Spammer" messages. Now, I wonder who put them there, and did they do it just to prove that people will copy and paste without even reading what they copy and paste?

If Guerrilla Unit is married, I'll bet he's married to someone who constantly cleans up his mess and complains about it (like we do) while he makes the excuse "I've got a life." These two types always seem to find each other.

Subject: RE: Americans....
From: Emma B
Date: 06 Jul 05 - 10:34 AM

I've not heard that one either Freda......great laugh to start the day!

Subject: RE: Americans....
From: freda underhill
Date: 06 Jul 05 - 10:35 AM

:-) I'm finishing my day now Emma - g'nite!