BS: last time you 'browned' your pants

Subject: BS: last time you 'browned' your pants
From: GUEST,name withheld for medical reasons and shame
Date: 02 Oct 05 - 12:29 AM

I came too close last night and tonight.

starting to get a bit concerned about going folk pub tomorrow.

So seriously, is shitting yourself in public something to worry about;

or just an inevitable condition of getting older ?

Subject: RE: BS: last time you 'browned' your pants
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 02 Oct 05 - 01:40 AM

Depends...

Subject: RE: BS: last time you 'browned' your pants
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 02 Oct 05 - 03:38 AM

For most people it's not an "inevitable condition of getting older" but the causes may change as your metabolism "matures." Foods that once didn't bother you may suddenly decide to rush right through, and you may need to adjust your diet. The horrifying fact is that sometimes beer acts that way for some people. (It's probably the hops?)

Anything you may have ingested in larger than usual amounts within a couple of days before you noticed the problem may be a suspect, and adjusting your diet will often help.

A recent antibiotic (or other medical) treatment may have "depopulated" the natural gut flora, and in some people this can cause reduced control. A common "treatment" is a dose or two of lactobacillus acidophilus, which should be available from pharmacies and/or health food shops. In some areas you can get milk (skim usually) treated to contain it. Yogurt is also a recommended source.

Plain old "lazy gut" can cause a loss of control, and there are (you knew there would be) exercises recomended for improving your "holding power."

A number of conditions, ranging from annoying to rather serious, can be at fault, so consulting with a qualified medical advisor is recommended if the condition persists for more than a few days. Changes in Liver, kidney, gall bladder, and sometimes even thyroid functions can cause excessive amounts of fluid to be retained in the gut where it makes things slide right through. Lower gut polyps, while usually "benign," can cause reduced control.

Any appearance of elevated temperature associated with an unusual loss of control should be sufficient cause to seek professional medical advice, due to the very large number and variety of (mostly bacterial) infections that can cause loss of control. You may have to resort to "technical aids" (a thermometer) to be sure whether your temp is normal in some cases.

Or it may just be a bad piece of cheese.

John

Subject: RE: BS: last time you 'browned' your pants
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 02 Oct 05 - 04:02 AM

The colon is a funny thing
A mystery; that's true
It gurgles while you lie in bed
With little help from you
It deals with what you throw at it
Turns even cordon bleu to shit
But as old age creeps up on you
Watch out for the fart and follow through

G.

Subject: RE: BS: last time you 'browned' your pants
From: RangerSteve
Date: 02 Oct 05 - 07:11 AM

I learned the hard way that I don't handle fried foods the way I used to, after eating a particularly greasy meal in Maine and getting an attack on the highway later on. Thankfully, there was a gas station nearby and I made it in time. (OK, so I didn't make it on time, but the spot on my pants was barely noticeable). This never happened before, and I think John's statements are correct. A few times afterward I had the same problem, so I just don't deep fry anything anymore, and I'm doing fine.

By the way, Maine is supposed to be seafood heaven. The clams had no taste and the scallops were so bitter they couldn't be eaten. The state of Maine owes it to tourists to have a Food Police to check out places that may ruin it's reputation.

Subject: RE: BS: last time you 'browned' your pants
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Oct 05 - 08:49 AM

I hadn't studied and Sister Catherine of the Nine Tails asked me to recite....

Subject: RE: BS: last time you 'browned' your pants
From: SINSULL
Date: 02 Oct 05 - 11:05 AM

Must have been Sister Blister's protege from the school of Sister Paschal Candle Half-Lit.

Subject: RE: BS: last time you 'browned' your pants
From: Little Hawk
Date: 02 Oct 05 - 11:44 AM

It can happen at any age. If, however, it starts happening frequently, I think you can get various kinds of "security" underwear for incontinence at a medical accessories store. I don't know what it's called exactly, but they do have such items. This would at least provide some measure of relief from extreme anxiety about the situation.

Subject: RE: BS: last time you 'browned' your pants
From: jacqui.c
Date: 02 Oct 05 - 12:28 PM

One thing to remember as you get older - never trust a fart.

I found, a few years ago, that carbohydrates such as potatoes, rice and cereals give me the runs. Avoiding them solves the problem. I think that you just have to pay more attention to the signals your body gives out as you get older.

Mind you, that was useful to know after my recent hernia op - I avoided the constipation that seems to be a natural follow on from any op. for me by eating Kendall's chicken soup, which contained potatoes. Worked like a charm.

Subject: RE: BS: last time you 'browned' your pants
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 02 Oct 05 - 12:42 PM

Not for nothing is it known as Jewish Penicillin Jacqui.
G..

Subject: RE: BS: last time you 'browned' your pants
From: Peace
Date: 02 Oct 05 - 07:06 PM

Yellowed, yep. Browned--not for many many decades. Over five to be exact. However, about six corn on the cob can get me real close. Seven even closer. If I intend to tackle eight, I eat in the can. Probably more than you needed to know.

Subject: RE: BS: last time you 'browned' your pants
From: Pseudolus
Date: 03 Oct 05 - 03:07 PM

I hate to admit it but I'm laughing so hard at this thread I almost sh....well, you get the idea. This seems to fit the thread...

A great captain sailing the open seas heard the announcement, "Captain, there are two pirate ships off the port bow...". The captain immediately said, "Get me my red shirt!". "Why do you want your red shirt, captain?" The captain replied, "so that if I am injured in battle, no one will see the blood and my men will continue to fight valiently". The lookout said, "Wait, there's not 2 ships but there are 20 ships!" The captain said, "Someone get me my brown pants!".

Frank

P.S. ...never trust a fart? that is hysterical!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: last time you 'browned' your pants
From: GUEST
Date: 03 Oct 05 - 06:17 PM

never trust a fart

Hence the grafitto - "Here I sit, broken hearted, paid a penny, only farted"

Subject: RE: BS: last time you 'browned' your pants
From: Peace
Date: 03 Oct 05 - 06:38 PM

But proud I was from whence I sat,
When I'd not farted, but had shat!

Subject: RE: BS: last time you 'browned' your pants
From: Metchosin
Date: 03 Oct 05 - 07:03 PM

Oh boy, do I ever miss Dave Allan.

An old British gentleman was telling a story to another fellow at the club one evening, regarding his encounter with a tiger in India.

"Suddenly, a tiger jumped out of the bush, right in front of me and went, ROOAAARRR!" he said, raising from his chair.

"My God! I soiled myself!" he exclaimed.

"Well," said the other chap, "I problably would have too, if I had encountered a tiger".

"Not then, you fool!" he responded, " just now, when I went ROOAARRRR!."

Subject: RE: BS: last time you 'browned' your pants
From: Joybell
Date: 03 Oct 05 - 07:32 PM

Oh! Happiness! I love my Mudcat family. And I thought I'd end my days discussing body-problems with the old lady tied to the chair next to me in the nursing home.
The other bits of the Old Fart's advice go:

Never pass up a chance to use a toilet
Never trust a fart
Never waste an erection (my substitute for us ladies - Never say no.)

Cheers, Joy

Subject: RE: BS: last time you 'browned' your pants
From: Peace
Date: 03 Oct 05 - 07:43 PM

I know at least ten sick, filthy or depraved jokes for what Joybell posted.

Subject: RE: BS: last time you 'browned' your pants
From: bobad
Date: 03 Oct 05 - 07:55 PM

Somehow I'm not surprised.

Subject: RE: BS: last time you 'browned' your pants
From: Peace
Date: 03 Oct 05 - 07:59 PM

EAT YER MUSHROOMS!

Subject: RE: BS: last time you 'browned' your pants
From: maire-aine
Date: 03 Oct 05 - 08:20 PM

For anybody who cares to take this seriously, test out this theory-- wheat allergy. Do an internet search on "celiac" & you'll get a lot of information. My mother, in her later years, had serious problems with "the runs". I was within days of checking her into the hospital, because nothing helped. Then I cut out everything with flour, and the problem stopped instantly. In retrospect, she probably had the problem most of her life; it just got worse as she got older.

Subject: RE: BS: last time you 'browned' your pants
From: GUEST,G
Date: 03 Oct 05 - 09:10 PM

The only positive thing I got from this thread was when Metchosin said, "Oh my, do I ever miss Dave Allan."    And I am a Yank.

RIP, Mr. Allen, the end of an era.

Subject: RE: BS: last time you 'browned' your pants
From: GUEST
Date: 03 Oct 05 - 09:14 PM

Was all positive until you showed up, G.

Subject: RE: BS: last time you 'browned' your pants
From: GUEST,G
Date: 03 Oct 05 - 09:41 PM

Guest, paying a tribute to Dave Allan was not a positive?

You must be the "Guest" that started this shit!

And I, like an idiot, had to join in. Why don't you stop by the local library and check out a few books. As shall I and consequently neither will be wasting our time or that of others.

Subject: RE: BS: last time you 'browned' your pants
From: GUEST
Date: 03 Oct 05 - 09:45 PM

Look down your nose at others don't you.

Subject: RE: BS: last time you 'browned' your pants
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 04 Oct 05 - 04:25 AM

WOW how did that happen?
G.

Subject: RE: BS: last time you 'browned' your pants
From: GUEST,G
Date: 04 Oct 05 - 06:55 AM

No - no offense meant - and this is not the best thread to bring a 'nose' into.

Subject: RE: BS: last time you 'browned' your pants
From: jacqui.c
Date: 04 Oct 05 - 09:12 AM

Peace - enquiring minds want to know the jokes. If they're too rude to post please pm them to me!

Subject: RE: BS: last time you 'browned' your pants
From: kendall
Date: 04 Oct 05 - 09:28 AM

I never have, once out of diapers.

Subject: RE: BS: last time you 'browned' your pants
From: Peace
Date: 04 Oct 05 - 01:57 PM

I will message you the best of the lot, Jacqui.

Subject: RE: BS: last time you 'browned' your pants
From: *daylia*
Date: 04 Oct 05 - 02:24 PM

Well, not sure if this counts but I unwittingly sat in some pool shock once. ANd shockingly enough, for the rest of the day a lot more heads than usual seemed to be turning as I walked by    ;-)

Seems I'd browned the lower left cheek of my best black shorts really nicely. Made for a couple creamy-smooth beigey-golden dripplings too.   Very interesting looking!

THink I'll tie-dye my other cheek someday. Symmetry is so VERY important, esthetically.

Subject: RE: BS: last time you 'browned' your pants
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 05 Oct 05 - 04:40 AM

Try doing 75 on a Honda CX500 with a single disk brake at the front when a pillock in a BMW decides you don't exist. Works for me...

:D

(Why is there a high proportion of BMW drivers who have shit for brains btw?)

Subject: RE: BS: last time you 'browned' your pants
From: frogprince
Date: 05 Oct 05 - 01:09 PM

Dave, I think sometimes that the more someone can pay for a car, the more they have to do that's more important to them than paying attention to us peons. My little compact import car got rear-ended at stoplights by Cadillacs twice in just a few months.

Subject: RE: BS: last time you 'browned' your pants
From: Metchosin
Date: 05 Oct 05 - 01:50 PM

Hey wait a minute, our little 1972 BMW 2002, a highly visible bright orange at the time, was rear ended on two occasions at a stop sign. Once by a Toyota Corolla and I forget the make, in the first instance. During all those years we never rear ended anybody, even once, but we did change the colour to grey, hoping that it would be less visible to those who seemed to have it in for us. And BTW it still currently sits in the drive as a restoration project . Any takers?