BS: Sorry to break it to you...

Subject: BS: Sorry to break it to you...
From: GUEST
Date: 09 Oct 05 - 12:20 PM

Sorry, this is a bit long but it made me laugh...

Notice Of Revocation Of Independence

By John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. (Except Utah, which she does not fancy.)

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect :

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'you' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'you' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same valente seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'you' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every ten seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be
trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added
to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen
Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you
shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry to break it to you...
From: pdq
Date: 09 Oct 05 - 12:26 PM

American Budweiser beer will be re-named "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". Sounds reasonable to me

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry to break it to you...
From: Richard Bridge
Date: 09 Oct 05 - 12:41 PM

Was funny originally. The additional errors in spelling and grammar in this re-type do it no favours, even as a piece of historical humour.

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry to break it to you...
From: Joe Offer
Date: 09 Oct 05 - 12:52 PM

So, is this the fifth time it's been posted here at Mudcat?

• one
  
• two
  
• three
  
• four

-Joe Offer-

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry to break it to you...
From: Jeri
Date: 09 Oct 05 - 12:59 PM

Joe, you missed two. In reverse chronological order:

6. 6 Jul 05
5. Apr 01
4. 28 Nov 00
3. 19 Nov 00
2. 15 Nov 00 (9:11 AM)
1. 15 Nov 00 (7:08 AM)

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry to break it to you...
From: GUEST
Date: 09 Oct 05 - 01:01 PM

Just another pot-stirring Euro-mutant

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry to break it to you...
From: Charmion
Date: 09 Oct 05 - 03:37 PM

Oh, come on. As a copy-editor plying her trade in Canada, where British and American culture (and spelling) are in constant competition, I have to smile every time I see this silly screed, which is often. People keep e-mailing it to me.

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry to break it to you...
From: CarolC
Date: 09 Oct 05 - 04:11 PM

Notice of acceptance

To Mr. John Cleese:

I await with eager anticipation implementation of the changes first enumerated on 15 Nov 00 (7:08 AM) here in the Mudcat. I have only one thing I want to ask you about said changes...

It's been almost five years since these changes were first announced and so far, nothing has changed.

What's taking you SO bloody long?

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry to break it to you...
From: John O'L
Date: 09 Oct 05 - 06:30 PM

So you really didn't notice?

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry to break it to you...
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 10 Oct 05 - 10:37 AM

No, this is the European one:
( I know it's proably been posted before...)

With the advent of a single European currency, some people are talking about a common European language, with English being touted as the preferred language for communications, ahead of German. But the British will be asked to concede a simplified spelling to be phased in over a five-year period.

In the first year, 'S' would be used instead of the soft 'C'. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard 'C' will be replaced with 'K'. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter on the keyboard.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by f. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful, so they would hav to go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' by 'z' and 'w' by 'v'. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou', and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil beno mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry to break it to you...
From: CarolC
Date: 10 Oct 05 - 12:24 PM

So you really didn't notice?

Ah, good. So they already made the changes? That's quite a relief, because I was feeling pretty disappointed in my government over all of the silly things it's been doing since the 2000 election, like attacking and occupying sovereign nations, eroding our civil rights, consolidating power into the hands of a few ultra-wealthy oligarchs, things like that.

It's such a relief to know that we in the US can blame Britain for these travesties, instead of ourselves.

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry to break it to you...
From: GUEST,rarelamb
Date: 10 Oct 05 - 12:29 PM

LMAO!

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry to break it to you...
From: Seamus Kennedy
Date: 10 Oct 05 - 04:11 PM

CarolC, why would we here in the US blame Britain for transvestites?
We have transvestites here too, you know.
Please stick to something you know, like double-dactyls.
Respecfully,

Seamus

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry to break it to you...
From: GUEST
Date: 10 Oct 05 - 04:33 PM

You're offering Tony Blair as an improvement over G W Bush? Sorry, I don't see where Tone is any better.

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry to break it to you...
From: Seamus Kennedy
Date: 11 Oct 05 - 12:33 AM

Sorry, CarolC, I meant 'respectfully.'

Seamus

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry to break it to you...
From: CarolC
Date: 11 Oct 05 - 01:14 AM

That's ok, Seamus. Did I say transvestites? I meant to say morris dancers. My mistake.

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry to break it to you...
From: Seamus Kennedy
Date: 11 Oct 05 - 05:08 PM

CarolC, that's what happens when you just type stuff in higgledy-piggledy....

Seamus

Subject: RE: BS: Sorry to break it to you...
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Oct 05 - 05:27 PM

There are a whole gaggle of Morris Dancers up before the court here, being asked to pay child support. The court noted that Morris Dancing was a sort of British fertility ritual, and when all of the nubile young ladies watching came up preggers, well....